He didn’t say a word to console and comfort her; just held her until her sobs had subsided. Then he gently spoke, “Wash your face, freshen up. We’ll leave right away.”

“But the convention…”

“It was a bad idea to begin with…”

“I had completely forgotten that Rohan was in Darjeeling…”

“I hadn’t. But I didn’t think a madman would be let lose like this.”

For the first time Rupali noticed that Paritosh was angry. Extremely angry. She vaguely remembered that he had called Rohan ‘mad’ even before other doctors, not a more medically appropriate “mentally disturbed”. And he had called him names. Very uncharacteristic of him. He was gentlemanliness personified. He called even people many years his junior by their surnames. His anger, his emotions were always controlled. But Rohan had made him forget his manners… Or… No… Rohan hadn’t. She had. She had made him forget his manners. He made his disgust and anger so obvious because her life was in danger… She had that effect on him…

“Keeping him in an institution would be better use of all the money Moitras have, than spending it on certifying him fit and trying to settle him into a normal life.”

“What are you talking about?”

“That son of a… I am sorry,” he suddenly became conscious of his digression, “He has a practice here. Set up with the help of his father, of course. How can a mentally disturbed person be entrusted to cure others. I am sorry, Rupali. But despite all the respect you have for them, I can not condone this senselessness on their part. Just because he is their son…” His voice trailed off.

“Let’s leave,” she said in a small voice and walked to the bathroom to wash her face.

—

Their train would leave only late at night. But Paritosh did not wait for it. He hired the cab the to take them all the way to Kolkata. Half way through their journey, he saw Rupali shifting uncomfortably in her seat. He had been brooding silently till then and hadn’t realized that it was too long a journey to be comfortably covered by car.

“Please stop at the next petrol pump or motel,” he told the driver, then turned to Rupali, “It was a bad idea, wasn’t it? It’s too long a journey for car. I’m sorry… I was angry.”

“Please don’t apologize,” Rupali said, fatigue and depression clearly affecting her spirits, “I was as eager to get away.”

“Do you want to stay somewhere for the night. We can start again in the morning…”

“No.”

“Okay. We’ll take a short break then. Here is a motel. Some tea or coffee would be good I think. Please stop the car.”

—

It was three in the morning, when the car finally pulled over in front of Paritosh’ house. They hadn’t talked about her going to his house, but she did not insist otherwise. Paritosh paid the driver and they got down. On entering the house, she automatically walked towards the room she had stayed in earlier.

“Take rest,” he said, “Do you need something?”

She shook her head. He walked over to his bedroom. Rupali changed her clothes. She was tired and lied down on the bed. But despite all energy having been drained out of her body, she could not sleep. She finally gave up and came out of the room. Across the hall, she saw that the light was on in Paritosh’ room too. She walked towards it. The door wasn’t locked, only shut. She opened it slightly and saw Paritosh sitting on a chair near his writing-table. There was a glass full of whiskey there and a bottle that was almost empty. He had been drinking. Rupali didn’t know if he drank. But she had never seen him doing so. She sighed and walked to the table.

“Aren’t you going to sleep?” she asked.

“Rupali… What am I to do with you… with us?”

“What… are you… talking about?” Was he drunk?

“It is not like I had planned it, is it? You coming into my life… me in yours… Our shared pain of being orphans… a history connected through Daar ji and your mother… I hadn’t planned any of it… I hadn’t expected any of it… And yet it happened. Why?”

Rupali felt scared to the core. Where was this going? “I don’t know Dr. Khanna… But you should not be so disturbed. Please… Not because of me…”

“No. No. No. Don’t walk away. Talk to me.”

“About what?”

“Just sort this out for me, okay?”

“Stay away from me and you will be sorted again,” her voice quivered and her eyes moistened. But she managed to not cry.

“Sorted again? No Rupali. There is no ‘again’ for me. Because I was never sorted. Not in a long time. But you came. And against my better judgment, against any semblance of rationality, I started feeling connected to you… But…”

“I was too messed up myself to sort anything for you.”

“No. No. Why don’t you listen, or try to understand? Why do you have to conclude everything on your own?”

“I’m sorry.” He was clearly drunk. And probably it was for good. Even if in a rambling fashion, he was speaking his heart out. Although Rupali did not know how should she react to him.

“Good. Now listen. What was I saying?” He had lost his train of thoughts, “Why don’t you sit down?” He held her hands and took her to the bed. She sat down at its edge gingerly. He also sat down after her. “It has been a frustrating to and fro ride, Rupali.” He looked directly into her eyes.

“What do you mean?” she tried to hold his gaze.

“Every time I take a step towards you, something or the other pushes either me or you ten steps away. First you were out-of-bounds. Engaged… To that… Never mind. Then that house… It made you so miserable, while all I had wanted was to make you happy… And then knowing your painful past… I wanted to stand by you… But I was afraid I was not enough… I tried to push you away when you could have done most with support…”

“That’s not true. You have stood by me. Always.”

“You are a simpleton… An idiot… You thought I was pushing you away because of Chand, didn’t you?”

She gulped. She had indeed thought so at one point of time. And when Paritosh had clarified that they couldn’t be together, she hadn’t been able to find any alternate explanation of his behavior. She had just pushed those questions away from her mind. But even that pushing away didn’t mean that he wasn’t there for her. Why…

“You thought that, didn’t you?” he repeated his question.

She nodded in reply. She couldn’t lie.

“You were an idiot. You put me on such pedestal that you couldn’t see how scared I was. Of my inadequacy.”

Tears started flowing from her eyes.

“And as if our own confusions were not enough, every guilty person in the world had to draw his or her own conclusion and scare and confuse me ever more… One was Mr. Moitra, who felt guilty for you. Another was Chand, who felt guilty for me…” ‘So, Chand’s tete-a-tete about their relationship had not been restricted only to her,’ Rupali thought somberly, ‘She had been vocal before him too.’

“And then you… You stupid girl .You thought that you were not good enough for me, because… what had you said… you were damaged?” Oh my God! He had heard her conversation with Chand, then. And she didn’t have a clue!

“Damaged? Do you know what that made me feel? My own inadequacy was not so difficult to accept. But you feeling damaged… And that I could have had something to do with that feeling… Do you have any idea how much it hurt?”

“Dr. Khanna… You had nothing to do with… Oh God!” Rupali was openly sobbing now.

“But there was one thing I knew at that instant. That both of us were playing this I-am-not-good-enough-game. And I could not just be a silent spectator. I was aware of your pain, hurt… And I knew about my own insecurities, the habit of loneliness, of being by myself. I couldn’t hurry myself; or you. But I knew I had to take a step. May be those nosy and guilty people had a point. And I tried. But like every other time earlier, Rohan just had to come in. This afternoon… And push you away. Scare you away from me… Why Rupali? Why?”

Fatigue and drinks took over him and he almost fell down on his bed while asking her “Why” again and again. She saw his eyes closing through her tears. She adjusted him on the bed as best as she could. Then found a shawl large enough to cover him. She tip-toed out of his room, trying hard to get her emotions in control.

—

To be continued