“You look tired. You are obviously tired. Want some tea?” Paritosh asked when Rupali went to his room.

“Later Dr. Khanna.”

They went silent for a few moments. Then Paritosh started speaking, “Last night…”

“You talked,” she gave a nervous, half-smile.

“I did… I am too old to play this hide and seek Rupali.”

“And I have been telling you to go away without ever giving a reason. But it’s not like I have tried to go away myself. I forced you into this hide and seek.”

“Do me a favor Rupali. Stop berating yourself for everything. Stop saying things like you are damaged, messed up, or that you forced me for something…”

“But I am… And embarrassing as it is, I am going to tell you all today. I am going to give you the reason why I always ask you to go away. It has nothing to do with my feelings. Because… well… if you have not realized it till now then let me tell you that there is no end to how much I adore you. And not just because you have done me favors. But because of the person you are. The strength of your character, the gentleness of your heart… And all of this probably sounds like a character from Austen’s novels, but it’s just true…”

“Why then, Rupali? Is it me or my feelings that you are not sure of? The entire world seems to see right through them. Since before I have known them myself. Don’t you?”

“Even if that was the case at some point of time, that’s not so now. Not after last night.”

“Then?”

“Feelings are where a relationship begins Dr. Khanna. And then there is a life to be shared…”

“You think we are not compatible?”

She surprised him by suddenly turning away so that her back faced him, “I am just going to say this a doctor-to-doctor. And still I don’t have the heart to see your reaction. So, I am not facing you. Dr. Khanna – emotionally I may heal. In fact, emotionally I may not be that damaged. I had compartmentalized well there. But my body… If you touch me, I will go frigid. That is the only reaction my body knows. I am twenty-three. And I am a doctor. I know a few things about human body… And I know that there are natural desires… And I have never felt them. Never. Not for anybody. Not even for…” she bit her lips. She could not say “you”. “If Rohan was still in my life,” she continued, “It wouldn’t have mattered. He lived in his own delusional, happy world. He would never have noticed. But you… You will notice. You look at my face and you know that I am mad about you talking to Kakima. When I myself may not be sure if I am mad. You hear me talk about my appointment with the psychiatrist and you know that I am lying. You know me Dr. Khanna. And you would know when I… And both of us will be miserable.”

She was terrified after she had spoken. Was it a bad idea? What would he think of her now? Would their camaraderie be destroyed? Why wasn’t he saying anything? Should she just walk out and go home? Would they, then, go back to being the boss and the intern and forget that this ever happened?

The silence had been there barely for half a minute. But Rupali felt like it had been hours. Then he walked around and came to face her.

“Thank you,” he said startling her into looking up at him, “For talking.”

She didn’t know what to say and she felt like she was supposed to say something. “I should leave,” she finally mumbled and looked around distracted as if trying to ensure that she was not leaving anything behind.

“Don’t go away, Rupali. Don’t go away from me, or my life. I promise you, I will not touch you. And I will not let anyone lay a finger on you.”

She stared at him agape.

“I mean,” he closed his eyes trying to go from an emotional to a practical conversation, “If you want to go to your home right now. Or later. That’s fine. I will drop you myself. But don’t go away… not from my life.”

Her eyes dropped to the floor as she spoke, “Either you didn’t understand what I said. Or you are reacting hastily.”

He sighed audibly, “You don’t believe me?” Was it hurt in his voice?

“Dr. Khanna. It’s not like that…”

“I am not blaming you. Can you sit down for a moment?”

She nodded and sat down on the edge of the bed like last night. He also followed the suit.

“I was hasty… Not in my reaction. But in my speaking it out.”

That puzzled her. He paused for a moment before continuing, “You will probably understand me better, if I started by assuring you that I don’t think your problem is trivial. Nor have you been an idiot to make an issue out of it. And trust me. I understand why you didn’t talk about it till now. And how much of an effort it has been for you, even today.” She fought back a drop of tear that threatened to come out of her eyes. It had taken her a lifetime of effort and will power to say what she had just said. “I will be extremely honest with you, I had thought of a thousands of possibilities about what could be bothering you. And if you thought it was too early for you to decide, or that we were not compatible, I wouldn’t have said a single word to convince you otherwise. But among those thousand possibilities, I didn’t think of this bothering you. Why didn’t I think? I don’t know. I just didn’t. Probably there are some pains, some hurt that only you know, not even the person who knows you the best. But as you spoke Rupali, I was not surprised. The life you have had… It had to leave the hurt somewhere.”

“Why would you then…”

“Because you make me happy and hopeful about life. It is as simple as that. I am just grateful to fate that your emotional or mental hurt isn’t beyond healing. And sex… That can be one manifestation of love, but not the only one. Love is about things beyond that… And I haven’t felt that in a long time. What I have today… I don’t want to lose it.”

“Tomorrow might be different. You might find someone.”

“If history is anything to go by, I am not looking. But still, who am I to predict the future, right? If I do find someone in future, for whom I would like to forsake you, then you will be hurt once again. Your faith will be destroyed once again. Do you think you can take the risk with me?”

She was disarmed. And speechless.

“What am I supposed to do?” she mumbled, “This isn’t real. I hadn’t imagined being in a situation like this. Am I schizophrenic or something? Am I am imagining you? This entire thing? I don’t know how to react.”

“Oh, you have handled worse,” Paritosh replied with mock seriousness, “I’m sure you will figure something out.” Then he chuckled.

But Rupali was still lost. “What do I do?”

“Have your dinner here. Then let me drop you home,” Paritosh said seriously, “You won’t have another change of dress with you, right? And you are terribly exhausted. Have a good night’s sleep. That will clear your mind as well. And tomorrow morning, if you still have any objections to what I want, tell me. If not, well… there is nothing extra to do be done. Our life is good. And I would be a very, very happy man. Come now. I’m sure some dinner is ready.”

—

To be continued