The stubborn, stupid, foolish hope! You keep telling yourself that you are not hoping. But it creeps up on you, silently. It finds a cozy, comfortable home in your heart. Your mind doesn’t notice. Or decides not to notice. It is arrogant. It thinks that it can ignore the powers of hope. That it can keep it at bay. That even if some hope sneaks into your heart, it would know how to evict it. And the hope stays there. Hidden from the arrogant mind; at least not acknowledged by it. Then one day the hope, whose existence you never acknowledged, gets crushed. And it doesn’t suffer alone. With it gets crushed a part of your heart. And your mind cannot cut off the signals of pain. It can repent ignoring it all this while. But it is too late. You must suffer the pain.

Rupali suffered it that entire night. She thought she didn’t expect anything from Paritosh. That if he forgave her, that’d be more than what she wanted. How wrong was she! The hope had crept up. With his every little act of kindness, every small help, every smile and laughter, with every easy conversation…  The hope had made a small home in her heart. And it was now crushed. Crushing her heart with itself. She was in pain. He thought it was all wrong. But that wrong thing had been her lifeline.

And amidst all this, she didn’t even have her mother’s shoulders to lean on. She didn’t always discuss her problems with her mother. But she always found courage, support and peace in her presence. There was a silent understanding between them. Her mother understood it when she was in pain. She didn’t prod to know what it was, unless she was herself willing to share. But she managed to pass on a part of her quiet strength to her. The strength with which she had brought up her daughter alone. The strength with which she had kept working even after being diagnosed with critical heart problems. The strength with which she had not minded sending her only daughter away from home, and then from the country, because it was best for her career and life. “Don’t worry about me,” she had kept saying even when her illness had become really bad, “You live your life to the fullest sweetie. Your happiness is what I had promised your father on his death-bed.”

It was a wretched day. It seemed like the only way to take her mind off from one painful thought was to entertain another painful one. Ma and Dr. Khanna. Two people who were the source of all her hopes, and hopelessness. She couldn’t demand anything from Dr. Khanna. But Ma! She should come back for her.

—

She wasn’t back in the morning. Paritosh saw the notice announcing cancellation of her class that day. It was put up by Meher. What had happened? But he himself had to take a class at that time. So, he could talk to Meher only after an hour.

“Why was Dr. Banerjee’s class cancelled, Meher?”

“Her mother is ill and she had to be operated upon.”

“Operated?” They had said they’d keep her under observation for forty-eight hours. Did something go wrong?

“Yeah. She called this morning. She was very disturbed, obviously. I am thinking of going in the evening.”

“Meher. Can you please coordinate with director’s office and cancel my meeting with him today. Tell them that something urgent came up.”

“Sure Dr. Khanna.”

—

Rupali was sitting on a bench in the lobby. Sitting was hardly the right word. She was barely supporting herself with the edge of the seat. Her hands were pressed between her thighs as if they were cold and needed some warmth. As he went neared he realized that she probably did need some warmth. She was shivering. It wasn’t that cold! He remembered a jacked he usually kept in his car. He went back, got it and gently wrapped it around her shoulders. She was startled. His heart sank when she looked up at him. Her face… How terrible did she look! Her lips were dry, her cheeks hollow, her hair dishevelled and her eyes puffed from crying.

“Oh my God!” he could not help exclaiming, “What have you done to yourself? Your mother is stable. I just spoke to the doctor. But at this rate, you will fall ill yourself.”

She stayed silent and stared at the floor.

“Go and wash your face. You will feel better. You haven’t slept at all, have you? Go.” He prodded her.

She got up unwillingly. But hardly had she a taken a step that she stumbled. She was weak from all the crying. He got up hurriedly and held her to stop her from falling. Then he made her sit down.

“I will get something for you. You are so weak,” he told her gently and rushed to the small utility shop in the hospital. He picked up some juice, glucose and paper cups from there. Then he noticed a packet of wet tissue at the checkout counter and picked that up too. She obeyed him silently as he made her drink a glass each of juice and glucose water. He, then, handed her a wet tissue. “Wipe your face. You will feel better.” She looked surprised at his thoughtfulness. After a moment of hesitation, she took the tissue and wiped her face.

“What happened? Why the surgery all of a sudden?”

“Her condition was deteriorating. The blockage was severe and they were unable to do anything about it. She had only fifty percent chances of survival with surgery. But without it, she wouldn’t have survived today. I had to sign the consent form.” She looked at her hands as if she was reproaching them for putting those signatures.

“You did the right thing. And she is stable now.”

“She is breathing. But until she wakes up, there is no guarantee that she ever would. Coma, memory loss, mental disorientation are only some of the potential side effects.”

And depression for the daughter, Paritosh thought to himself. “And she would need someone to take care of her,” he told Rupali, “You don’t seem prepared for that at all.”

His reproach surprised her, but it also had the desired effect. “You are right,” she acknowledged in a small voice, “I am just drowning in self-pity. I shouldn’t.”

“Then come with me. I have spoken to the doctor. She won’t be conscious before evening. Let’s go to your home. You must take a shower and then take rest. And yes – have breakfast. We’ll get something packed on the way.”

She was thankful that he had come. But why was he doing this? Why was he making her dependent on him, fuelling the fire that was wrong according to him?

He got out of the car after pulling it over in front of her house in the campus. “Thank you,” she said with genuine gratitude, “For everything.”

In an unexpected gesture, he held her hands and pressed them, “Take care of yourself Rupali. It won’t do for you to break down.”

Rupali hated and loved him at that moment. He didn’t realize what he was doing to her, did he? He was just being a caring boss!

—

Mouli Banerjee was brought home. Rupali’s worst fears had not materialized. She hadn’t slipped into a coma. Although her condition was very fragile, her diet strict and she was weak. Rupali’s uncle had taken a train from Kolkata and had reached the hospital a day after the surgery. Paritosh had withdrawn on realizing that she had help. As much as she wanted him by her side, she had no reason for asking him to be, especially with her uncle present. But her uncle had to leave after a few days. His wife and young children were alone at home. “Will you be able to manage, child?” he had been concerned.

“Don’t worry Kaku. A nurse will be here, when I am not. We’d manage fine.”

“I wish I could send your Kaki here. But the little ones have their exams.”

“I understand Kaku. Don’t worry. I’d have help here if something comes up.”

“Rupali,” Paritosh stopped her as she was leaving for home that evening, “How is your mother doing?”

“Being brave. As usual,” she smiled, albeit a sad smile.

“And you?”

She averted her eyes, “I am fine, Dr. Khanna. Thanks for asking.”

“You look so drained out, Rupali. Do you want to take off for a few days?”

“Exams are at hands. I have to finish the syllabus. Excuse me, Dr. Khanna. I must head home now. My uncle has left. The nurse will leave in fifteen minutes. I need to be there before that.”

“Oh! I’m sorry. I didn’t realize. I must not detain you.”

She smiled and nodded and then made to go.

“Wait Rupali. I’ll come with you.”

She looked at him surprised.

He hesitated, “If that is fine by you.”

“Of course. Ma wants to meet you too,” she diffused the awkwardness with her enthusiastic reply.

—

To be continued