When she saw her daughter’s bloodshot eyes, obviously from crying, it wasn’t easy for her to not to say or do anything. But she left Paritosh in her room and came back without saying anything. Rupali was looking at them with puzzle, uncertainty and fear in her eyes. Despite the successful operation, Mouli could not let go of a nagging feeling that she won’t survive for long. She was going to leave Rupali alone. If she found love and guardianship in Paritosh, what could be better than that? But for that to happen, she had to let them resolve their issues themselves. She had given the push she could. She had tried to help Paritosh overcome his insecurities. Rupali didn’t seem to have any issues. If anything she was too sure of whom she wanted in her life. So sure that she couldn’t move on even when faced with the possibility that she might never get him. She sent up a silent prayer for her daughter’s happiness and lied down on the bed. Weakness and exhaustion put her to sleep despite her mental anxiety about what would be the outcome of Paritosh’ and Rupali’s meeting.

—

After her mother left, Rupali miserably looked around the room, trying to fix her eyes anywhere but at Paritosh.

“Rupali…”

“Why are you here now? I hate you,” she turned away from him.

“Do you?” he could not help smiling, despite feeling wretched for her as well as himself.

She did not reply and Paritosh realized that she had started crying again, silently this time. He went around so that he could stand facing her. He wiped her tears with his hands and said gently, “Please stop crying. I know I have been an idiot, a jerk. But I should be the one suffering for it. Not you.”

“I have been doomed to suffer since the day I attended your first class. I wish I had never met you.”

“I hope… I sincerely hope what you have said is not true, Rupali. That you are not doomed to suffer because of me. Because if that is true, how would I ever ask you for your love, company and friendship? I have no doubt that our not meeting would have made no difference in your life. If anything, you might have been happier than you would ever be with me. But for me… my life would have been a dead end forever. I would never have known what it is like to love and be loved.”

“You would have liked that better, wouldn’t you? After all someone as frivolous and fickle as me could not be serious.”

“I’m sorry. I am so sorry, Rupali. For every time I have misunderstood you. For every moment I mistrusted you. Punish me whichever way you want, but don’t keep it in your heart, please.”

“I never blamed you for mistrusting me earlier. But how could you not trust these nights? How could you be so grossly unfair?

“I wasn’t thinking straight Rupali. My mind was too clouded; I was too misguided in my beliefs…”

“What has brought about this change of heart anyway? What did Ma tell you? Did she beg you accept me or what?” her face contorted. She obviously detested the idea. But she thought it quite probable.

“She only helped me understand myself, Rupali.”

“Just go away Dr. Khanna. I don’t want to talk to you.ow H”

“I will go away. I will be miserable, but I will go away, because I deserve the misery. But only if you promise and convince me that you won’t cry.”

“Fine. I promise,” she turned away and immediately started crying again.

“Oh God! Please Rupali,” he held her hand and turned her around, “What do I do to…” And in desperation he went down on his knees. “Please forgive me Rupali and give us another chance.”

“What are you doing?” Rupali was stunned by his gesture, “Please get up.” She was miserable and mortified. But he didn’t get up and remained there with his head bowed. She looked at him in desperate silence for a few moments. Then she too went down on her knees to face him. “Don’t do this. Please Dr. Khanna. I’m… I could not let go of you, even when you shunned me. How could I do so when you were ready to accept me? You didn’t need to do this. I would have come around by morning. Or probably the moment you had stepped out of this room…”

“You would have,” he looked at her and said in calm and collected voice now, “But I have to pay for what I have done to you. I have to be punished…”

“For the first time, Dr. Khanna, I got a chance to act out before you,” she smiled through her tears, “And I got carried away. I don’t want you to pay for anything. Or punish you… What could I possibly gain from that…”

“Then act out as much as you want, to your heart’s content.” He smiled back lovingly. They got up together. He cupped her face and caressed it for a moment before pulling her in his embrace. She happily obliged and responded. Tears started flowing again from her eyes, but this time in happiness and relief.

—

Rupali had peeped into her mother’s room after seeing Paritosh off. She was asleep. So, they met only in the morning. While Rupali had hardly been able to sleep with excitement and was out of the bed rather early, Mouli woke up later than usual. Her weak and tired body needed to make up for the exertion of the night. She immediately sought Rupali out on waking up. Rupali was having tea and breakfast in her room.

“Good morning, Ma. How are you? I was getting late, so didn’t wait for you for breakfast.”

“No problem, sweetie. But you tell me first. How are you?”

Rupali smiled nervously and blushed slightly. “I am fine, Ma. And I am sorry.”

“Sorry?”

“For what I had been doing.”

“I wish I had known sooner, Rupa.”

“Ma,” Rupali averted her eyes, “I was ashamed of myself. I was behaving very irresponsibly. I didn’t have the heart to tell you.”

Mouli looked sadly at her daughter. She was so terrified of being irresponsible, of letting her mother down. She deserved to relax a little. Hopefully in Paritosh’ company, she would be able to do that. Sometimes Mouli could not help wondering who felt more responsible for the other. She towards her daughter, or her daughter towards her.

“I have seen a little bit more of the world than you have, Rupa. I could have helped you.” Rupali nodded and didn’t say anything. Mouli spoke again, “There is something I want to tell you now. He is older than you and more mature. I can see that you respect him a lot. You probably think that he always knows better and is sure about things. That would be true most of the time. You would do well to listen to his advice when there is a difference of opinion between you. But as far as the power equation of this relationship is concerned, he is the one who is insecure. He has a past to deal with. He is the one concerned that he might be too old for you and that he may not live up to your expectations. Observe those signs of insecurities and make sure that you assure him of his insecurities being misplaced. I am not asking you to go overboard and make a speech about it every now and then. It is more subtle than that. I’m sure you understand, don’t you?”

Rupali mulled over it for a while and then said, “I think I do. Thanks Ma. I had never thought of it this way.” It dawned on her that what she had seen as his attempts at shunning her, were in reality his self-defence; an attempt to stop himself from dreaming too much and getting hurt when the dreams went unfulfilled.

“God bless you my child,” Mouli patted her head, “Now hurry up. You are getting late, aren’t you?”

“Your medicines and breakfast…”

“Don’t bother. Pammi would be here any moment,” she referred to their house help, “She will make me the breakfast.”

“And Ma,” Rupali added hesitantly and with slight blush, “I may… have to go out… for dinner tonight…”

“Have to?” Mouli laughed, “You want to darling. And you don’t have to take my permission.”

Rupali grinned and went out.

—

“Wow! You still have the BMW?” Rupali exclaimed when Paritosh came to pick her up for dinner.

“What do you mean?”

“The last I had seen it was…” she left the sentence incomplete. He would know that she was talking about the last time they had gone for dinner. “I never saw you driving it recently. I thought you had sold it off.”

“No. I just bought a regular car. BMW is overkill for day to day driving.”

This was special driving, all right. But what struck her was something else. All those years back, she hadn’t thought much about him driving a luxury car. The entire world had seemed buyable then once you ‘started working’. But she knew better now. A professor’s salary was hardly enough to get loan for a sedan. BMW!! And then another car. Was he that rich? And extravagant? But her thoughts were soon occupied with his black suit, in which he looked so graceful and handsome. Was it the same one as the last time? Or given his casual purchase of a car, had he bought a few dozens since then?

He drove to the same restaurant. Not much had changed in its decor or menu. There couldn’t have been an environment more conducive for a déjà vu. Or rather one for bringing the memories back. When the headwaiter gave them options for the tables they could have, Paritosh chose the same one they were seated on last time. Rupali was nervous and excited at the same time.

“Do you drink?” he asked her when they were handed the menu.

She smiled slightly and nodded. Then without waiting for him she called the waiter, “Two mojitos, please.”

He laughed slightly, “You remember?”

“You do too, it seems.”

“Yes. I remember. I remember everything,” he said somberly, “I remember that you had said you’d come back after Ph. D. and you did!”

“Why are you looking so sad about it?”

“Not sad, Rupali. Thoughtful.”

—

To be continued