Did that explain all his peculiarities? Piyali thought later, when she was alone. Despite being this nice, principled, kind and lovable person, whom everyone liked, he was inherently insecure. Because of Aporna’s deceit. Something he had never been able to deal with. When he came to know about it, she was already gone and he could not confront her. To top that, being the thoughtful person he was, he didn’t even want to tell anyone about it. It won’t do to badmouth the dead! There had been no catharsis for his most deep-seated pain.

Knowing this, it wasn’t surprising that he shied away from relationships, especially marriage. He could have claimed that he loved his wife too much to move on. But that would have been a lie, a difficult one to maintain given that all he probably felt for her was hatred. And because he couldn’t express his real insecurities, he disguised his decision behind this façade of waiting for a soul-mate.

It was a hypothesis. A plausible one, she thought, but was it correct? If so, could she do something about it?

—

What the hell! He woke up and felt strange. Why was he dreaming about her? And in such a fashion? He sat up, switched on the light and took a sip from the water glass. He could no longer ignore it. He had been obsessing over her for a while now. She was now very different from the scared, mousy child widow he had brought home. Eating well and living in comfort had filled her body up at just the right places. She dressed well, had a confident demeanor, sweet temperament and beautiful, lovely face. “I hadn’t thought that I’d be telling you this, when  you had brought her home, Mukundo,” Alka had told him before leaving, “After all, there was no knowing what she’d grow into. She might have proved herself to be uncouth, stupid and unwilling to learn. She might have grown vain or irritable. She might not have had the strength to become what you wanted her to become. But none of that happened. She has grown into exactly the woman you can love.” He jerked himself out of his wayward thoughts. That’s the problem, he decided. Alka has left. My hormones are playing a trick on my mind. He picked out the divorce papers from the drawer of his side-table. No more procrastination. He would do it tomorrow. She must be freed before she fell prey to his weaknesses and her devotion which won’t let her protest.

—

“What are you reading?” Mukundo found her at the desk in the library and could already guess what she would be reading. But he asked anyway.

“Your manuscript. I hope that’s all right.” It was the manuscript which he was hoping to complete in Uttarpara. His first attempt at writing a fiction. He had thought he’d need to get away from his familiar surroundings to get inspiration. But nothing worked out as planned! His vacation was interrupted. And after coming back, he hadn’t felt motivated to pick that manuscript up again. He had been busy with his academic writing. After Alka left, he felt the need to take up something else. He recalled the neglected manuscript and restarted working on it. Now, it seemed to be heading somewhere.

“Yeah. What do you think?”

“Your observations are… spot on…”

“But?”

“No ‘but’.”

“There was a ‘but’.  I could feel it. Come on. Tell me.”

“Your observations are spot on. But you have put your own words in your character’s mouth.” He had reached near her now. He kept the papers he had brought with him on the desk.

“How so?”

“For example this one. Where Soumitra thinks that his comeback is irrational and stupid, but he has always heard people using that comeback to win arguments. So, he uses it anyway. Soumitra is not capable of such objective observations about his surroundings. It is true that his comeback is irrational and stupid. It is true that he uses it only because he has always heard people use it to win arguments. But he can’t connect the two. He uses that comeback almost mechanically. You know the way you always pick up the water glass from your room, but deposit it in the kitchen sink, mechanically.”

“I do that?”

“Yes. You didn’t even know?”

“No. And you did?”

She nodded. He looked at her with expressions she couldn’t read. Then before she knew what happened, he dug his right hand into the hair at the back of her head, pulled her close and attacked her lips. She was baffled. She couldn’t respond or react. He let go soon and then looked miserable. She progressed in other direction. She grew collected and a slight smile formed on her lips as it started making sense.

“Oh God!” he mumbled, “I’m sorry…”

“Sorry?”

“Look. Don’t be scared. I was… I don’t know… It won’t happen again…”

“Scared? Don’t be an idiot, Mukundo Babu.”

It was Mukundo’s turn to be startled. Idiot? That frankness, and sauciness, was not something he had ever seen in her. She smiled and moved away. He stood rooted to his place for a while, completely stupefied. By his own abrupt behavior, and by her calm reaction to it. Then he rushed after her.

“Wait Piyali.”

She was at the door by then. She stopped immediately and turned. She looked serene, and in control.

“What did you mean?” he asked somewhat foolishly.

“Why were you sorry? I am your wife,” she replied with downcast eyes, but confident voice.

“My wife?”

She shrugged. Wasn’t it obvious?

“And you are okay with that?” he asked finally getting his bearings together.

For the first time she showed any signs of being upset, “You think I am not okay with that? Why?”

“You had no say in our so called marriage. Nobody had asked you. And I can’t even be sure if you were old enough to legally say ‘yes’. You were so young. You still are… Do you even know how much older I am… You shouldn’t get carried away just because you are grateful…”

He stopped as he saw her eyes getting moist. He waited for her to recover. She blinked back her tears and broke the silence. “Alka didi had told me that you would never accept me if I kept worshipping you. Your soul-mate has to be an equal, she had said. She was right. She had said that I should be my rational self with you. I can be so Mukundo Babu. But will it stop me from worshipping you? I’m afraid that is not going to happen. Even loving you cannot stop me from worshipping you. Even if that means losing you. Or rather… Never getting you. What do I have which I will lose?” She ran away from there, leaving Mukundo confounded.

Things had indeed changed! She wasn’t the terrified, confused kid he had brought away from her oppressive paternal home. She was a grown up woman, who knew her mind. Better than he did his own. She knew what and whom she wanted. She knew what she could or could not do. She had proved him more than right. She had grown up to be independent. She wouldn’t let anyone walk over her. Not even him. She was confident about whatever she was. Even about her worshipping him. She wouldn’t forsake it even for him! “Even if that means losing you. Or rather… Never getting you.” Those words would remain vivid in his memory for years to come!

—

To be continued