She didn’t cry when her father died. Barely had the rituals been over, when she came to him.

“I want to go somewhere else, Mukundo Babu. Will you arrange for that?”

“Where? Where do you want to go?”

“Anywhere. Somewhere far…”

“Pihu…”

“Please Mukundo Babu.”

“Start going to the college Pihu. You have already lost a year.”

“Either you can send me, or I can run away.”

“Send you? I am not sending you anywhere. You tell me where you want to go. I will take you there.”

“No!”

“What do you mean ‘no’?”

“You can’t come with me.”

“You are not going anywhere…”

“You can’t stop me,” she was so determined that Mukundo knew she would act on her threat of running away. He couldn’t exactly have imprisoned her, could he?

“Pihu. I had promised Kaka to look after you,” he pleaded with her.

“And I had promised him not to be a burden on you.”

“You are not a burden on me, and if you want to do anything to make my life easier, take control of your life…”

“I didn’t run away, did I? I came to you, I asked you…”

“You need to stay here, Pihu. Who will look after your house, your property?”

“Who has done it since Baba had fallen ill? Even if I stayed, you are the one who would have to do it.”

“Why do you have to go away?”

“I don’t know,” she averted her eyes. “If you want, I won’t go away too far. Send me to Darjeeling.”

“If anything happened to you, Pihu…”

“I will come back to you before I destroyed myself. And no. Don’t worry. I won’t commit suicide.”

“Hanging yourself is not the only way to commit suicide. If you waste away your life…”

“Don’t stop me, Mukundo Babu.”

He gave up. “Fine. But I will come with you and ensure that you are comfortable before leaving you alone.”

“Okay.”

—

“After I am gone, and you have fewer things to worry about, you should get married Mukundo Babu.”

Mukundo glared at her. He had given in, and was making arrangements for her stay in Darjeeling. But he had made his displeasure known.

“Come on, Mukundo Babu. Don’t be angry at me. I need to go away…” her voice drowned.

“Do you feel anything? Anything at all? In that heart of yours? Do you know that there are people who care for you, who love you, and who feel hurt when you seem hell-bent upon destroying yourself?”

She did not reply, but surprised him by suddenly hugging him. Mukundo held her, and looked directly into her eyes. “Won’t you, ever, tell me what bothers you, Pihu?”

“If I will ever be able to articulate what does, who else will I tell that to, but you?”

“Don’t go away, Pihu.”

“I have to. And if you are lonely, you should get married.”

“I will get married, if you stayed back.”

She smiled, “What does my staying back has got to do with you getting married? Who will you marry?”

“You.”

She stood motionless for a moment. A blush almost crept up her face, but she camouflaged it behind a forced, amused chuckle, as she stepped away from her. “That’s a weird idea of a joke, Mukundo Babu. I need to go back home. I have to pack. We leave early morning, right?”

—

Mukundo settled her in Darjeeling and came back reluctantly. She didn’t stay there for long though. She wanted to travel more. She travelled all around the country. She always informed him, even gave him the addresses where she was staying. Initially Mukundo was suspicious. When she gave him a hotel’s address in Delhi, he landed there unannounced and was relieved to actually find her there.

“You don’t trust me Mukundo Babu?” she smiled at him.

“Do you blame me for it? What are you doing here anyway?”

“Nothing. Spending time in this nice hotel room.”

“We can travel together Pihu, if that is what you want to do.”

“I have dropped out of college, but you have your job.”

“I don’t need that job.”

“I can’t have you leave everything for me. I promise you I won’t commit suicide Mukundo Babu. And you will always know where I am. And if I die, I will die in your arms.” She had chuckled at her own joke, while Mukundo had not found it funny at all.

“Shut up, Piyali.”

She had kept her promise, always told him where she was, and they talked on phone regularly. Until one day she announced that she was going on some trek in Himalayas and her phone won’t be reachable for at least a month.

“A month?” Mukundo had been alarmed.

“Don’t worry, Mukundo Babu. There are others.”

—

Mukundo had been counting days. It had been over a month and she hadn’t called. She had been so terrified of him coming after her and stopping her that she hadn’t even told him where she was going. He had been pacing in his lawn one evening when he heard the familiar voice.

“Mukundo Babu.”

What he saw shocked him to the core.

“Pihu! What’s the matter? What has happened to you?”

“Don’t come near me, Mukundo Babu. You might fall ill too.” She coughed hard.

She was wrapped in a shawl and at least two layers of sweater. Still she looked thin like she was starving. What had happened to her full, rosy cheeks and big, beautiful eyes? This shrunken face couldn’t be that of Piyali, could it? But it was. . She was carrying nothing other than a large purse. He ignored her warning, went near her and hugged her. He took her inside and called up the doctor before saying even a word to her.

“Will you explain?” he spoke to her sternly.

“I will try,” she smiled weakly, “But I am really tired, Mukundo Babu. Won’t you let me sleep for a while?”

She looked so miserable that Mukundo had a tough time in controlling himself. He could have given into tears.

“Will you eat something?”

“No. I am just thirsty.”

He got her some juice and she slept off on the living room sofa itself.

“I am too tired, Mukundo Babu,” she said when he asked her to go to one of the rooms.

—

“I will do the tests, but I am sure it is tuberculosis,” the experienced doctor said as soon as he saw her.

“That can’t be too bad, right? Just medicines and rest…”

“I think so…” he said.

Mukundo woke Piyali up so that the doctor could take samples for testing. After that he helped her to the gues room so that she could rest.

Doctor had done the tests on a priority basis and soon the results were confirmed. It was tuberculosis. Treatment started immediately and the doctor was surprised that he had been called in so late.

“You had promised me that you would take care of yourself,” Mukundo complained to her.

“I had promised you that I’d die in your arms,” she smiled.

“You won’t talk to me like that.”

“Don’t be angry at me, Mukundo Babu.”

“How can I not be?”

“If your last words to me were angry before I died, you will…”

“Piyali!” he was getting angrier.

“The last thing I had ever told Ma was that I hated her. Because she wouldn’t let me go outside to play on a hot, summer afternoon. She was trying to protect me, but I had raised hell. She had said that I won’t realize how precious she was until she was dead. And then she died Mukundo Babu… She died…”

Mukundo stared at her in stunned silence. It was clear that her mother’s death had affected her deeply. But she had never talked about it in past. Mukundo had started suspecting that childhood memories had faded away for her, even though their impact had stayed.

But apparently they hadn’t. He went and sat beside her. Tears were now flowing freely from her eyes. “She didn’t realize that I loved her, Mukundo Babu. I should never have said that. She left me…”

Mukundo remember her plea to her father in her drunken state. “I do love you Baba. Don’t leave me…”

Is this what had been plaguing her all these years? That self-loathing, that darkness…

It took him sometime to find his voice. “It was an accident Pihu. It was an accident…”

But she continued crying and he realized that the pain was too deep-seated to be relieved with logic.

“I hurt Baba a lot,” she spoke through her tears and sobs, “I didn’t know how to face him. He loved her so much and she died.”

Mukundo held her hand, but despite a strong urge to do so, did not try to stop or console her. Finally she was talking! He needed to hear it all out.

“Kakima had asked him to get married again,” she referred to Mukundo’s mother who was alive at that time. “He had refused. I didn’t know how to face him and I hurt him so much.”

No psychiatrist, no friends, no well-wisher had been able to figure out in all these years what was eating her up. Because of crying, her nose was clogging. He helped her sit up and gave her some water to drink. Then he sat down beside her and put his arms around her, pulling her close.

“Why did you never talk to me, Pihu?” he asked after a while.

She did not reply and slept off in his arms.

—

Mukundo was grim-faced as he came to her room.

“The antibiotics are not working Mr. Thakur,” the doctor had informed him, “A new incurable strain of TB has been reported recently. I am afraid…”

“Don’t look so sad, Mukundo Babu,” she said.

He forced a smile. “I’m not sad.”

“Don’t be, even after I am gone.”

“Where are you going? I am not letting you go anywhere even if I have to imprison you this time.”

“When have you succeeded in stopping me from doing what I wanted to do?”

He could not force his smile any longer. “You like torturing me, don’t you?” he said, his eyes moistening.

“I do love you, Mukundo Babu. I never said that, but I do. I have always loved you. And loved you in ways that knows no name, no limit. But those whom I love are cursed. My going away with save you from that curse.”

“Shut up. Just shut up,” he broke down.

“In this birth, Mukundo Babu, I was a lost, restless soul. I wasted my life. And troubled you so much. But I will do better in next birth. I promise.” He hugged her tight and cried his heart out.

—

“Mukundo Babu. I have given you nothing while I lived except troubles, tears and pain. I did not even help you in things that mattered to you. I cannot give you anything even in my death that you don’t already have. So, I am leaving whatever Baba left me for those who matter to you. Half of my inheritance in my will is left for Hope Foundation. I never contributed in person. It might make up a bit for that. The other half is left in your name. Gift it to your kids from their insane aunt. Do get married, Mukundo Babu.

Despite everything, I am presumptuous enough to think that you would value this reiteration – that I have loved you. Always. Deeply. More than I would have had the ability to express even if I wasn’t so broken.

Your life-long bother
A lost soul
Pihu”

Sonelal found Mukundo sleeping at his bedroom door, just like Piyali had done all those months ago, with the letter clutched to his heart. He wondered if he should wake him up. He decided against it. It was after several days that Mukundo had fallen asleep. Uncomfortable as his position was, some sleep would do him good.

He woke up in the wee hours of morning and paced up and down the living room, lost in thoughts. Later in the day he made a call to his lawyer.

“Yes. We need to register an orphanage and women’s shelter. What she has left to me should go to this organization,” he spoke on phone.

He unfolded the letter once again after disconnecting the call. “You think only you can do things your way. If I wasn’t stubborn, I couldn’t have loved you so much, Pihu. If you will come to me only in next birth, then I will marry only in next birth.” He took out a pair of ear-rings from his pocket and as he kissed them tears flooded his eyes again.

– The End –