But she did not stop. “And then I remembered. That frantic afternoon. When I had realized that my diary was missing. I was scared. Terrified. What if it reached Chachiji? What if Chachaji had picked it up thinking it was his? Because he used so many of the company diaries? Even though Pikku was sympathetic to me, what would he think, if he read it? How ungrateful I would sound towards his parents! Worst still what if some neighbour had it…”

“Antara. Stop, please….”

“Then I realized that it had happened before the wedding talks cropped up! Wedding talks that had taken the diary off my mind. Because I was probably more scared about the wedding than the diary.”

Mrinal looked at her puzzled. What was she rambling about? Where was this going?

“Scared about the wedding?” he muttered.

“Have you ever known that fear, Mrinal? When you effortlessly get something you could only have dreamed about, but knew that you did not deserve. And you are scared that someone will come any moment, tell you that it was a mistake and take it away?”

Mrinal could do nothing but stare at her wide-eyed.

“I was that scared. It was through your mother’s constant complaints, but I had come to know so much about you. And had liked everything she complained about. I should have been jumping about with glee during the wedding, except that the fear was gnawing at me. How could you have decided to marry me? You had been resisting all pressure from your mother and family, because you won’t blindly enter into a marriage with someone you didn’t know or like. And you knew nothing about me. It wasn’t even possible to think about love.  My broken heart was not the only thing I had to worry about if you changed your mind. Chachiji’s heart would have been broken a thousand times over and it would all have come out on me. Her constant lecturing about how to behave myself before you had worn me down so much that I thought I did everything wrong in that one meeting we had. But you were cool about it. It calmed my nerves down a bit, but the question was still looming large. All the love, respect, happiness, encouragement you gave me… you made me so happy, Mrinal. But I had really not taken you seriously on your claim that you knew more about me than I thought. How could you? And the question bothered me. Every now and then. Sending me into panic in the moments I was alone. Then you came home, smiled at me, spoiled me, pampered me, and loved me. And I forgot everything else. Until at some point of time it again raised its ugly head. And so it went on. I didn’t ask you. I was too afraid that you would suddenly accept and realize that you got into it with your eyes closed and need to walk out. And as I thought about all this, I looked at the diary again. This little thing…  This had all the answers, did it not? You had read it before deciding, hadn’t you?”

Mrinal nodded, still looking guilty. “It is not a justification. But yes that’s what had happened.”

“Don’t ever do that again.”

“I won’t. Antara. But can I assume that you have forgiven me this time?”

“I owe my life’s happiness to this abominable act of yours,” she smiled through her moist eyes. Her face was still puffy from her recent crying, “What choice do I have?”

“I had gone crazy, Antara. To be doing this…”

“How crazy?”

“Mad crazy. Desperate crazy. Uncontrollable teenager crazy,” he replied and tightened his arms around her, “I will explain. But later. I have been through hell in last couple of hours. I need assurance.”

She pulled away for a bit. “I’m sorry,” she said somberly, “For worrying you about the diary so much. I had sorted through it. I had come out to tell you that it was okay… But then… Bad fiction happened.” She smiled looking repentant for his pain.

“I deserved worse, much worse. You know you talked about the fear. Of losing something that you got effortlessly, and didn’t think you deserve. I have that fear now, Antara. Of losing you…”

“I am not going anywhere,” she said and leaned into him.

He lowered her on the sofa along with himself. He didn’t have the patience to go to the bedroom.

“So, my mother’s complaints had made you fall in love with me?” he asked in an amused voice as they lay spent on the sofa later. There was only so much space there, and she was lying on top of him, her head resting on his heaving, sweaty chest.

“I know it is weird…” she replied sheepishly.

“Hmm… Yeah… I think weirder than falling in love because of a diary.”

“Don’t tease me.”

“But is that true? You were in love with me?” he asked earnestly this time.

She raised her head a bit to look at him. He expected some smart reply. But she just looked into his eyes and said with a smile, “Yes.” Then she went back to resting her head on his chest.

“So, what have we been? Soul-mates, growing up as next-door neighbours, woefully unaware of our destinies?” he said somewhat philosophically.

“Not exactly next-door. But yeah…”

“How did I never notice you?”

“You were too busy running away.”

“I guess so. You had seen me around?”

“Of course. Everybody knew you.”

“I told you right, I had gone crazy. It was not a figure of speech. I can’t explain what had happened to me when I had seen you walking in with tea.”

“What?”

“I was attracted. Fatally attracted. I had never felt like this even for a hot teacher in school,” he chuckled, drawing a soft laughter from her too. “But… you didn’t show any signs of even noticing me until I had spoken about the sugar.”

“I was nervous. And Chachiji’s insult didn’t help either,” her voice grew sad as she remembered how Mrs. Gupta had treated her that day.

“Hey. I am sorry,” he recognized the change of her voice, “I didn’t mean to remind you… I am really sorry.”

“Don’t be. All that is past. Thanks to you,” he could hear smile in her voice again and took a deep breath.

He then went on to tell her about what he had done the next morning; how he had seen her paintings and gotten hold of her diary.

“I regretted doing that so much. But I was also too tempted to not read it,” he explained at the end.

She just kissed his chest in reply.

He suddenly remembered something. “Antara. Do you feel financially insecure?”

“Huh? Where did that come from?”

He nudged her and they both sat up.

“When you were angry…” he spoke cautiously, “You had said something like you had no one to go to. And you were not financially independent. Is that why you have been doing those portraits?”

She bit her lips and shook her head.

“Is there something I should know?”

“I… just… But no. This has nothing to do with us, Mrinal. I feel absolutely safe and secure with you. Financially or otherwise.”

“Tell me, whatever it is.”

“You believe that everyone should be financially independent, irrespective of gender, family money etc. I think that is right thinking. And I also wanted to be…” she hesitated before adding, “good enough for you.”

“But I also believe that we can’t sell our souls for money, Antara. You don’t like doing those portraits. Do you?”

“I have started hating them.”

“It may not make as much money, but there are other ways of finding financial security. Gallery sales are picking up. Plus… you have a reputation now. You could teach painting.”

Her eyebrows knit together as she thought about it. “I probably have a bias towards the profession of teaching,” he said somewhat apologetically, “But I am sure we can find other options as well. You are psychology graduate. You could get trained as a counsellor…”

“Do you think I can teach?” she interrupted.

“Of course. With your talent and patience, you would be a great teacher.”

She smiled.

“Settled then?”

She nodded, “I am going to return the advance for a job I was commissioned for.”

“Great,” he said and was about the lie down again, but she stopped him.

“We should go to Raksha and tell her about our plan. She would be anxious.”

“Are you really, really sure about this, Antara?”

“Yes. Although….”

“Although?”

“She is your daughter, Mrinal. That’s enough for me and I promise that I will love her like mine. But I do want to carry your child,” she blushed and gulped hard as she finished, but she managed to say it in one breath.

He bent forward and kissed her on forehead, “At this point, Antara, you could have asked me to walk on burning coal. And I would have agreed. This is much nobler! You are too kind.”

“I know all your apprehensions about parenting and children, Mrinal. But I think it’s those apprehension that will help us be good as parents. We will be cautious.”

“It is your sensitivity that will help us be good. Let’s go.”

– The End –