Mrinal was thankful that his mother hadn’t gone overboard in the wedding arrangements. The ceremony was a simple one. But that didn’t mean things weren’t going to be difficult for him. As he entered his bedroom late in the evening, he wondered how he would handle this wedding night. He didn’t know her at all. And he wasn’t up for… Before he could make up his mind, he was already in the room and was in for a surprise. Antara, in all her wedding finery, was holding Mahi and putting her to sleep by gently rocking and patting her. She didn’t notice him coming and he stood rooted near the door in silence. It didn’t take long for the baby to drift to sleep. He went in as she settled her in the crib. She was startled to see him as she turned away from the crib. She stopped in her tracks while he approached her.

“I… I am sorry,” he stammered, “I had asked Shyama to take her…” He referred to the nanny.

“She had come. I asked her to leave Mahi with me…”

He looked at her face closely for the first time. She looked young. Too young! Was she ready for the responsibility of being a mother? That too of someone else’s child? Why had she agreed to this marriage? What was in it for her? Or did she not have a choice?

“I hope that wasn’t a problem,” she said hesitatingly, growing conscious of his stare.

He averted his eyes. “I don’t know…” he mumbled. “Look Antara,” he spoke suddenly as if he had just discovered the words and didn’t want to risk forgetting them, “This really isn’t anybody’s responsibility, except mine. I don’t know why you agreed for this marriage. But…”

“But you have married for the sake of your daughter,” she interrupted surprising him. Her eyes were downcast as she spoke, “And I will try my best to not let you down.”

“That’s not what I meant. And you don’t have to…”

“I’m fine, Mrinal ji. Don’t worry about me.”

He didn’t know what else to tell her. Standing before him was a stunningly beautiful woman. It was their wedding night. She had unconditionally accepted what would have been the most unwanted responsibility of this marriage. She would have some expectations for tonight. He should fulfill that…

He went closer and held her arm. He could feel her physical reaction to the touch. She was young, and inexperienced. Biologically it should have been a turn-on for him too. But he just couldn’t proceed. He let out a sigh and stepped back.

“We don’t know each other,” it sounded like a sad excuse to him, but he couldn’t think of anything better.

It was just a touch, but it took her a moment to catch her breath. “I’m tired. I will change and go to sleep,” she said. She opened on of her suitcases and took a night dress to the bathroom. When she came back, he had already changed and lied down on the bed. His had closed his eyes, although he was not asleep. He did not see the moist look she gave him before she lied down on the other side of the bed, as close to the edge as possible, and switched off the lights.

—

They woke up together. Mahi was crying. Mrinal rushed to the crib first. Antara switched the light on; then followed him. The room was unfamiliar for her. She would have stumbled in dark.

“She needs a diaper change,” he mumbled out the information as a courtesy to Antara and made to go towards the cupboard to take a fresh one out.

“I will do it,” Antara offered trying to fight off her sleepiness, “Where is it?”

He hesitated; then pointed towards the cupboard. She brought one from there; but then looked lost.

“Do you know how to change it?” he asked.

She shook her head and gave him an embarrassed smile. He could not help smiling back. He took the diaper from her and started changing.

“Show me. I will learn,” she said.

He nodded and gave her the space to observe. After changing the diaper, he went to the bathroom to discard the soiled one and noticed what looked like burned paper in the dust bin.

“Did you burn something in the bathroom?” he asked on coming back.

“No. Nothing. Why?”

“It looked like some burned paper was there in the dust bin.”

“I have no clue.”

“Some house help might have thrown something while cleaning up.” He looked at the clock. “We should also feed her,” he said and then wondered at his use of ‘we’. Was it so easy to accept her role as his daughter’s parent? In a matter of few hours? She didn’t even know how to change a diaper. Or how to prepare the formula for feeding her. But he saw her watching keenly as he took the warm water out of the thermos and prepared Mahi’s food. Why was she doing this? In his resignation and self-pity, all these days, he had forgotten to think about the girl he was going to get married to. Shouldn’t he have thought beforehand? Why would any girl agree to a marriage like this? That too, without knowing him, without even meeting him once?

—

But he didn’t manage to ask her. Nor did they manage to consummate their marriage. They were back in Mumbai. It would be better if Antara settled down in Mumbai while summer vacations were still on and Mrinal didn’t have to go to the university, his mother had suggested.

Mrinal had been anxious initially. He had never imagined himself in an arranged marriage; that too with a girl he had never even spoken to earlier. And definitely not right after the woman he had loved left him without a care for their daughter. Should he make a move? But night after night she pretended as if going to sleep was the most natural thing to do after Mahi fell asleep and they had their dinner. Sometimes she would excuse herself for an hour or so before bed and spend that time in a spare bedroom. To chat with her friend who was in the US. Was she sparing herself, or him? Slowly he had stopped thinking about it.

There was a challenge to be solved though. He and Raksha had an active social life. And now suddenly he was with a new wife and an infant daughter from the previous one. How was this transition to be announced and explained in his social circle? He had avoided taking calls from his friends recently and had not responded to any e-mails either.

“Everything all right?” Antara came to him and asked.

Her was jerked out of his thoughts and looked up at her vacantly. He realized that she must have noticed him lost in thoughts. “Where is Mahi?” he asked in return.

“With Shyama. Is something bothering you?”

What was he to answer? A thousand times yes? A thousand things have been bothering him?

“Why did you agree to this marriage, Antara?” he asked and saw her colour visibly.

She averted her eyes as if not wanting him to see what they expressed. When she looked back at him and he could read nothing in those large eyes.

“I agreed because I wanted to. But do you have any complaint?”

“Complaint? Not against you, Antara.”

“Against whom, then?”

“Against whom? I don’t know. Against whom should I have a complaint that I don’t know what to do about everyone around me? How do I explain to my friends, my colleagues and everyone who knows me what has become of my life? How do I explain Raksha’s absence, Mahi’s presence and you to them?”

She coloured again and Mrinal realized that he had been too voluble and had almost declared her a problem for himself.  “I’m sorry,” he spoke guiltily, “It didn’t come out right at all…”

—

To be continued