His trick worked. She was not hanging around him as much as earlier. But it left him longing for her company even more. When he spent a night at the hospital, he often hoped that she would walk in with tea. But she had taken the hint of him refusing coffee and reminding her of the PG exams a bit too well. At times, he would go to the common room to find her absorbed in her books. He would stay at the door, on such occasions, and not go inside to avoid striking a conversation with her.
What he didn’t realize was that she could see through him. She realized that he would deliberately over-emphasize her PG preparations or something else just to send her away from his office. She was aware of him staring at her when he thought she wasn’t looking. She knew exactly how many times he had come to the common room and gone back without entering or conversing with her. And she could feel even what she couldn’t see. That he missed her as much as she missed him. Why was he trying to maintain the distance then?
Despite not understanding him, she obliged him. She did not want to force herself on him. But the question continuously gnawed at her and affected her in ways she wouldn’t openly admit.
—
There was another person who had noticed the change in Ashutosh and Nidhi’s relationship. Mallika! She was happy to not see Nidhi around Ashutosh as much.
“Hello Dr. Nidhi,” she walked into the common room and addressed Nidhi. Both were on the night duty and Ashutosh was not in the hospital.
“Good evening, Dr. Mallika,” Nidhi replied courtesouly and then went back to her books.
“Kya baat hai, Dr. Nidhi? Aapki tabiyat to theek hai?”
‘What does Dr. Mallika want now?’ she thought to herself as she said outwardly, “Main bilkul theek hoon. Thanks.”
“Lagta to nahin hai.”
“Kyon?” Nidhi had to ask even though she was in no mood to continue the conversation.
“Kaafii bujhi-bujhi rahti hain aap aaj kal.”
“Mujhe nahin pata tha ki aap mujhe itna observe karti hain,” Nidhi said dryly.
“Ashutosh se judi har cheez ko main observe karti hoon. Aur Ashutosh ki khatir, jo ho raha hai usse main bahut khush hoon.”
“Aap khush hain. Ye bahut achchhi baat hai. Halanki main samjhi nahin ki kyon khush hain aap. But it doesn’t matter.”
“It does matter. It does matter ki tum ye samjho ki Ashutosh ke liye kya sahi hai aur kya nahin.”
“Go on,” Nidhi said disinterestedly.
“Nidhi. Tum abhi young ho. Thode bahut scandals, affairs to is umra mein hote hi rahte hain. Usse koi farq nahin padta. Lekin Ashutosh ki umra in sabse aage nikal chuki hai. Unki ek reputation hai, society mein ek standing hai. Jo rishta tum unke saath banane ki koshish kar rahi thi, usse unki reputation par daag lag raha tha. Log baatein bana rahe the. I am glad ki Ashutosh samay rahte ye samajh gaye aur tumhein khud se door kar diya hai. I hope ki tum bhi unki reputation ka khayaal rakhogi aur unse door hi rahogi.”
Although Nidhi did not acknowledge it, but Mallika could see that her monologue had hit her at the right spot. Nidhi hadn’t dismissed the idea. She was admitting to herelf that Mallika was right. Was that the reason why Ashutosh had pushed her away? Had someone said something? Were there gossips?
—
Nidhi threw herself into her work and her studies; and did to the exclusion of all other concerns. Baba and Anji started worrying for her.
“Nidhi. Ye kaisi padhai ho rahi hai teri? Apni halat to dekh. Na kuchh bolti hai, na kahin bahar jaati hai. Aise to pagal ho jayegi tu, Nidhi.”
“Tu exaggerate kar rahi hai Anji. Ab abhi to samay hi aisa hai. Padhai to karni hi padegi na. PG entrance MBBS entrance se bahut zyada tough hota hai. Pata hai kitni kam seats hain. Bas kuchh mahinon ki baat hai. Ek baar exam ho jaye to…”
“Padhai aur kaam – dono hi tu kai mahinon se kar rahi hai, Nidhi. Aisi halat to kabhi nahin hui?”
“Ab exams nazdeek aa rahe hain na, Anji. Chal chhod, jaldi se dinner karte hain. Tu yahin kar rahi hai na dinner? Mujhe aaj ye poora chapter khatam karna hai.”
“Nidhi. Itni der se padhai kar rahi hai beta. Abhi kha kar so ja. Aaj kal to tu bilkul bhi aaraam nahin karti,” Baba also echoed Anji’s worry during the dinner.
“Baba. Main theek hoon.”
“Baba. Bilkul sahi kaha aapne,” Anji chipped in, “Meri baat to ye maanti hi nahin hai. Aap hi samjhaiye.”
“Aap log please mujhe mere faisle lene dein,” Nidhi replied curtly. Baba, Anji and Dadi Bua exchanged perplexed glances, but didn’t know what had come over Nidhi and what to do about it.
—
Ashutosh was on night duty. He came to common room and saw that Nidhi had fallen asleep in a chair with a book in her lap. He smiled as he saw that her mouth was slightly open. He had seen her sleep like that before. But when he noticed her face, he was shocked at the contrast – between now and then. She had been very tired that day too. But her face had glown and her cheeks had a healthy pink color on them. Today he might as well be looking at a completely different person. She looked undeniably sick, her cheeks were hollow, dark circles around her eyes were unmistakable, her lips were dry and skin broken suggesting lack of nutrition. For a few seconds, he stood rooted to his place staring at the pitiable sight Nidhi made.
“Nidhi,” he called her name softly. She woke up immediately and was flustered.
“Yes Sir… Sorry Sir… Meri aankh lag gayi thi…”
“See me in my office,” Ashutosh said and walked back to his office.
It had been so long since he had said that to her! Her visits to his office had been strictly for work for a while now. Even when he had to talk to her, he didn’t call her to his office these days. What had changed today? She sent up a silent prayer that something hadn’t gone wrong.
—
Nidhi knocked at his door and waited for him to respond. His heart ached. Why was she waiting for his permission?
“Come in.”
“Sir. Aapne mujhe bulaya?” Ashutosh noticed that she was trying hard to control the quiver in her voice.
“Yes. Aapki tabiyat theek nahin lag rahi hai.”
“Nahin. Main theek hoon,” she replied by habit. Too many people had tried to ask her about her health recently and she had given the same response to everyone.
“Aap hospital mein khade ho kar ek doctor se apni health ke bare mein jhooth to nahin bol sakti.”
“Doctors to badnaam hote hi hain aaj-kal, bekaar ki beemariyam point out karne liye taki woh paise bana sakein,” Nidhi said and even laughed slightly. She was herself surprised by her sense-of-humour still being intact. Where did she get it back from? Was it because he was there? And after so long they were talking, not like the boss and the intern, but like two people who cared for each other.
The thought brought tears to her eyes. Her will-power gave way. She could not control herself and started sobbing.
“Nidhi,” Ashutosh was worried, but not surprised. Something had to be bothering her. What else could explain how sick she looked? He let go of his forced sense of proprietary and rushed to her. He held her by her arms and practically pleaded, “Kya baat hai jo tumhein is tarah khaye ja rahi hai, Nidhi? Tuhein dekh kar aisa lagta hai ki barson se beemaar ho.”
Nidhi shook her head and spoke through her sobs, “Aapke jaanne layak kuchh nahin hai, Dr. Ashutosh. Kissi ke janne layak kuchh nahin hai. Pata nahin main kab kuchh impossible sapne dekhne lagi. Aur kab unse itna affect hone lagi. Unse mujhe khud bahar nikalna hoga.”
Nidhi shivered as she felt Ashutosh cupping her face gently and wiping her tears with his thumb, “Nahin. Ye akelepan ki baatein tumhare munh se achchhi nahin lagti, Nidhi. Tumhare itne dost hain, itni pyaari family hai, sab tumse itna pyaar karte hain. Aur tum hamesha logon ki madad karne ke liye taiyaar rahti ho. Main nahin maanta ki tumhari kissi problem mein tumhein madad nahin milegi. Tumne kissi se baat ki hai? Madad lene ki koshish ki hai?”
“Maine kaha na. Meri madad koi nahin kar sakta,” she had regained some self-control and as not crying any longer.
“Main bhi nahin?”
“Nahin. Aap to bilkul bhi nahin. Meri problem solvable nahin hai, Dr. Ashutosh. Aap khud ko pareshaan mat kijiye.”
She stepped back and he had to let go of her.
“Kuchh dinon ki chhutti le lo Nidhi. Thod aaaraam kar lo. Dhang se khao-piyo.”
Nidhi refused, “Khali baith kar mere liye kuchh achchha nahin hone waala hai. Kaam karti hoon to koi pareshaani nahin hoti hai.”
Nidhi didn’t realize how her words shocked him. Had she become like him? Taking refuge in work? Avoiding people? Letting her pain fester? That too alone?
—
To be continued
2 thoughts on “Sacrifices (Part 5)”
Even though…I’ve read it so many times…It still feels very interesting and engrossing 🙂
Thanks Diksha 🙂