While she looked at all the outward signs that Mukundo’s commitment to the relationship was really not great, she forgot to look within her. She didn’t realize that the weakness was in her own feelings and not Mukundo’s. She had been fascinated by him, an older, accomplished man. Him noticing her satisfied her vanity, made her proud. And she fancied herself to be in love with him. But in reality she didn’t know him enough as a person. She didn’t know the good and the bad about him. She didn’t appreciate his strength in not binding her, while himself being committed to her. She didn’t understand his weakness in running away from caring for his daughter. She just didn’t know enough about him to fall in love with him.

Now that he was away, her own weaknesses were reflecting in her assessment of his love for her.

“Piyali! How have you been?”

“Rohan! Where are you calling from?”

“Kolkata.”

“What?”

“I had promised you, I’d come for you. Where shall we meet?”

“Rohan – you don’t understand. I can’t meet you… Not like this.”

“Why not?”

“Rohan. I am enga…. committed.”

“I’d respect that if you tell me that you don’t care for my feelings.”

“Rohan!”

“You feel it yourself, don’t you?”

Finally, she had asked him for a week’s time before she could answer.

—

He had insisted on no engagement. He had even forbidden her from talking about their relationship. Because he wanted to keep her free. So, why shouldn’t she act free. Yes – she would just tell him that she… But wait! What would she tell him? She wasn’t the reason it wasn’t working out. He was. But he would protest if she claimed that he did not lover her. How would she counter him?

It wasn’t all that simple. Seized by an inflated sense of entitlement she couldn’t bring herself to take responsibility for breaking the relationship. It had to be about him.

But how?

—

Piyali sobbed in her pillow to muffle the sound. But it was the inaudible cry of his heart that was deafening her. What had she done? What had possessed her? How had she managed to behave so shamefully? And how could she break the heart of a man like him?

But the irreversible damage was done. She had told him that horrific tale.

The damned idea had come to her from watching an old movie, where the heroine was raped and was then not considered good enough to get married to the hero.

He was an old-fashioned man, she had thought. And had told him that she had been raped. Unlike the disgust she had imagined, which would lead him to break up the relationship, he had been shocked and worried. He had shown nothing but concern for her well-being.

“Don’t worry, Piyali. You don’t worry at all. I am coming there and it will be all right…”

“No!” she had cried. If he came there and everybody got to know…. How would she ever deal with her lie? “Mukundo Babu. I haven’t told anyone. I don’t want to… Please understand…” she had started crying for her own reasons, but he had thought it was the trauma and fear of other people’s reaction.

“Don’t cry… Please Piyali. Don’t cry. You don’t want anyone knowing. No one would know. Okay?”

He had still taken the next available flight and had called her at once after landing.

“I am not going home. I am at this hotel – Casa Fortuna. I am texting you the address. Just come here.”

When she had reached the hotel, he had hugged her so tight that she had been unable to breathe. To her utter humiliation, he had then covered her face with his kisses, and tears. All the passion she had thought was missing had come pouring out of him! And all this right there in the lobby. For anyone to see. He didn’t care!

“Thank God, you are safe. Piyali! I would never be able to forgive myself for leaving you behind… ” he had said making no attempts at hiding his distress and tears.

Words had refused to leave her throat and her mouth had gone too dry to even make any meaningless sound.

“But how preoccupied with my own misery I am,” he had chuckled in embarrassment, “What should we do… yes… Have you seen a doctor since… Have you eaten…”

Her stomach churned. She had indeed not eaten anything since making that call to him and receiving his unexpected reaction.

Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, she finally stole a fragment of her voice.

“Mukundo Babu…. I… I am sorry…”

“Sorry? For what? It’s not your…”

“I don’t deserve all this. I don’t deserve this care, this concern. I don’t deserve you, Mukundo Babu…”

“Don’t be nonsensical, Piyali. You can’t possibly think that because of this… this accident I would…”

“No. Mukundo Babu. Please let me complete. My shame is too big to let me speak. But it would be even bigger, if I don’t speak the truth now. Yes – you wouldn’t reject someone you love just because she has been raped. But you would if she lied about it…”

“What do you mean?” His grip slackened; she freed herself completely from it and stepped away from him.

“I had lied, Mukundo Babu.” She knew she could never look in his eyes after this. And she would never ever be loved like that again. Not by him, because she had just strangled his love for her with her own hands. Not by anyone else, because no one else was capable of loving her like him. Her life was finished. And the worst part was that she had destroyed his too in the process. She deserved her life-long pain.

“Lied? Why?”

She stood silent with her head literally hanging in shame.

“Why?” he asked again, more agitated now.

“Why Piyali?” it was as close to shouting as he could get.

“I… I thought,” she scrambled for words, “I thought you wouldn’t want me after this…”

“You wanted to end this relationship? You… you love someone else?”

No! She wanted to cry out – I love nobody other than you. Not any longer. But it was too late. She had been given on a plate the best the life had to offer. She had squandered it away. And now she had no claims on it. Not only that, she had no right to even tell that to him. She had no right not to be humiliated by him. That was the least he should be doing to her.

“You were always free, you know!”

Should she fall on her knees? Should she beg for forgiveness? Should she offer herself as a life-long servant to him? To make-up for this sin?

But she did nothing. She stood still, head hung so low that he could not see her tears.

“Leave Piyali. Just leave.”

She saw his boots as he turned on his heels. He was unsteady as he walked back to his room. Where was his long, confident stride? She had destroyed that too!

And now there was nothing left. She might as well end her life.

“Pihu. Shona. Are you unwell? Why are you locked up in your room?” her grand-father knocked on her door.

“I didn’t sleep well last night, Dadu. Just let me sleep.” What was a little more lie to her now? She was a veteran of lying, a veteran of destroying all that was good, tender and lovely in life. There was nothing that she could not ruthlessly destroy from now on.

—

To be continued