“Please don’t blame yourself.”

“How did I not see it happening, Piyali? How did nobody see it happening? I can’t imagine–”

“I wasn’t here. In childhood I had never felt my isolation so badly. But college, and then– I started seeing the worst in people. And the more I learned about the world, the more I despaired. There was no meaning in it. There is no meaning in it–”

Mukundo shuddered as he realized that her questions about meaning of life were not mere intellectual curiosities. They had become a question of life and death for her. Her genius and wisdom had become the noose around her neck.

“Perhaps your conclusion is right, Piyali. Perhaps there indeed is no big meaning to our lives. Perhaps all the achievements we take so much pride in are nothing at all in the overall scheme of things. But we still live. And perhaps the only meaning we can find is in our relationship with people around us. It might be limited if you think of the whole wide world at the same time. But perhaps this is all we have some sort of control over. The meaning we find in each other. And I don’t mean that you have to decide on our conversation from this morning. Just that—if there is a connection you feel with me – howsoever slight or strong – that is a starting point. A good enough starting point. Do you understand?”

She nodded and said, “And it is very precious to me, Mukundo Babu. I didn’t know who else I can reach out to.”

“And I–” Mukundo shuddered again as I recalled that he had laughed at her when she had come seeking his help. Thank God, he had gone back to her and gone back in time too.

“Let’s go back,” he said standing up, “Everybody is worried.”

“What will I tell them?”

“Tell them that you were just taking an online course about tying up different kinds of knots, including innocuous ones like tying a camping tent. It was a coincidence that your mother saw you with the noose. And tell them that you were so flustered because you had hoped to dissuade them from making you talk to this guy – whatever his name was. But the discovery of that noose made everything confused. Tell them that you are only twenty and do not need to decide on getting married now.”

She gulped hard, “I don’t know if I have the strength for all this.”

He extended his hands to her, “Come now. I will talk to Kaku, okay?”

—

Debendra Banerjee was not easily pacified. But Mukundo kept at it.

“She is no longer a child, Kaku. You have to let her make her decisions.”

“One moment she is too young to get married, the other moment she is so old that we can’t even ask her a few questions. Make up your mind, Mukundo.”

“And why do you think both can’t be correct. She has just had to manage too much at too early an age, Kaku. She was sent to deal with an independent life as an undergraduate student at an age when most kids are still being escorted to schools by their parents. She, being the way she is, has probably fought off much more than her share of jealousies and politics at college. She has to start a job now. Give her a breather. We owe her that much. And she is not running out of time. All her life lies ahead of her.”

“She is not running out of time, but I am.” The elderly man suddenly looked defeated.

“What?”

“I am dying. I don’t have even a year left.”

“Kaku! What has happened? Why does nobody know?”

“Your Baba knows, Mukundo. And he has been kind enough to hire that boy to help me with my job, instead of throwing me out of it. But I have so little time left. I have to settle things. Priyendra can’t take care of his sister. He barely manages his own job and life. If she is not settled before–”

“Kaku, please listen to me,” somehow Mukundo didn’t have the heart to tell the old man that his daughter didn’t need to be taken care of in the way he thought; so instead he said, “I promise you. Piyali is my responsibility. I mean it. Let her live her life at her pace, Kaku. She would be all right and I will always be there to ensure this. Please, Kaku. For her sake and for your own – don’t stress over her wedding. It’s pointless.”

Debendra Banerjee sighed, “I don’t really have a choice, do I?”

—

“I want to ask you something,” Piyali said. They were in the library, reading a book each, and occasionally chatting.

“Shoot.”

“Why did you never get married?”

He sat up and looked at her searchingly.

“Please don’t’ try to think what answer I want,” she added, “Just tell me honestly, if you can. If not, it’s okay to not answer.”

He laughed. “No. I wouldn’t even dream of trying to mislead you. The fact is, that there has been no good reason; just that I could never make up my mind strongly enough about anyone. Never connected with anyone enough.”

“But you have so many friends. And you seem to connect fine with people.”

“Yes. I am not complaining about my social life. But that unequivocal feeling, where you think that you want to spend your life with this person, no matter what, never came.”

She sighed and threw her head back on the chair as she rocked the chair absentmindedly.

“Piyali,” Mukundo said softly, “There is perhaps an unasked part of the question there. I will answer it as well as I can. Yes – I feel that strong connect with you. For a long time, I was almost afraid of accepting it. Because you always seemed so out of reach. And now, after knowing what you have been going through, I fear that I could not maintain that connect over last few years. Partly because you were away. But largely also because of the same fear. I was afraid to reach out. Now, I am not. And that gives me a lot of hope.”

She nodded silently.

Mukundo asked, “Have you sent your acceptance to ISI Bangalore? And refusal to others?”

She shook her head, “But I have to do it this week.”

“Even if you decide to go away, Piyali, I promise that we will keep talking and you will not have to feel lonely and excluded ever again. But I would like you to stay here. And not just for my sake.”

She looked at him questioningly.

“There is something I have to tell you. About your Baba. His health.”

She grew agitated as he explained the fatal advanced-stage stomach-cancer her father was suffering from.

“You must keep your calm. You know that Priyendra will not be of much help in the coming days. Your parents will need you. Do you remember what I had said earlier? That the only meaning we can find in our life is in people around us. Seeing your parents through this difficult time would mean a lot to you. Trust me.”

“I will stay,” she said after a long pause.

“Thank you. That means a lot to me.”

—

To be continued