Mish' Fiction

Four years later…

Paritosh had just delivered a guest lecture for Rupali’s class at JHU (Johns Hopkins University). She was now an Assistant Professor there. Paritosh was in the US to attend a conference at UCB (University of California, Berkeley), but he had made a stop at JHU to meet her.

“What time is your flight?” she asked.

“We have about six hours before I have to leave for the airport.”

“We… can go… home… if that is fine by you,” Rupali proposed hesitatingly.

“Sure. I need to compensate for all the hostel day celebrations I missed.”

She chuckled, looking embarrassed, “I really pestered you about it, didn’t I?”

“And then you forgot about it when I was all prepared to go.”

“Yes,” she became thoughtful and nostalgic.

“And since that year,” Paritosh spoke after a pause, “I have not missed a single hostel day. And it is silly, but somehow I always find myself looking for you when I go there, before reminding myself that you are not there.”

She smiled uncertainly.

“I wonder though. I always see the otherwise nerdy engineering students all decked up for the hostel day. Did you do that too? Or did you attend that also in your I-am-forever-a-teenager attire?” they had reached her home and she was parking her car.

“You disliked my attire so much?” she frowned.

“No. On the contrary, I liked them very much. But that doesn’t stop me from wondering how you would look all decked up.”

Rupali paused to open the door and spoke once they were inside her house, “I can show you the photos.”

“Or I could see it in real life.”

“Now?”

“No. On a suitable occasion.”

“What occasion?”

“I was hoping you have someone in your life by now. And someday soon, I would see you all decked up. In a traditional Bengali wedding. Actually, even an American wedding would do.”

“Dr. Khanna!” Rupali should have known that he wouldn’t try to flirt with her. What wasn’t right in his eyes four years ago was not going to miraculously become right now. But as irrational as they were, her hopes had a tendency to rekindle themselves at the slightest of the pretexts. The way the conversation was going had given them more than ample reasons. But he had stayed true to his character and had given the conversation just the turn that was expected of him. Rupali was embarrassed for more than one reasons.

“It is difficult to ask these things over e-mails or phone, Rupali. But I… I do feel responsible. And I need to know that you have moved on. You are young and you have your entire life before you.”

“If moving on is your problem, then rest assured. I have dated, I have had relationships. But don’t demand a commitment from me.”

“You haven’t found the right person yet?”

“May be. It is difficult to find someone who thinks that I being myself is all right and that it even makes me special.” Paritosh chuckled at that and Rupali joined in. Then she added, “But more likely I am not the right person for someone to settled with.”

“Says who?”

“Says me. I am scared of commitment.”

“Why?”

“What if someday I realize that committing to that person was not a good idea?”

“You mean what if someday you find yourself in my position?”

“That’s not what I said.”

“I do know you well enough, Rupali. Unfortunately I became your role-model even where I shouldn’t have.”

“Don’t blame yourself for that, please.”

“Rupali. You don’t have anything to fear. You are not going to commit in the world I committed in. My world didn’t allow for personal considerations or tastes, it did not allow two individuals to make decisions for themselves. It was always about others. First about your parents, society, then about the helpless girl you married, then about your kids. If that is the kind of commitment you are asked to make, don’t make it. But you can do better. You can make commitments for your own happiness.”

“Tell me the story of your marriage,” she switched on the coffee-maker and brought out some snacks from the kitchen cabinet.

“There is no story. My mother was ill. She wouldn’t leave our village for her treatment though. Her only wish was to see me back in India and get me married. I complied. The girl, of course, had to be ready to stay with her in the village and take care of her even if I worked elsewhere. She, with the help of my relatives, chose Amrit. And Amrit was the very incarnation of my mother’s idea of a good daughter-in-law. She took care of my mother till she drew her last breath. She did things I have seen professional nurses wince at. The old woman died peacefully. I am indebted to my wife for that.”

Rupali smiled, “You have always been thinking about others. Since those days.”

“Don’t make me sound like a martyr. Those were the circumstances, and those were the expectations people like us were brought up with. There are many like me.”

“May be. But in my life there is only one like you.”

“Have it your way, then. But don’t let my experience dictate yours.”

“I will keep that in mind. Coffee is ready. Let me get you some. I still don’t cook much. We can go out for lunch. Any preferences?”

“You are the host! By the way Amrit sent something for you.”

“She knows you are here?”

“Yes. Here are some home-made mathris. I wasn’t sure it would make past customs. But I couldn’t explain that to her. Thankfully, customs did not bother,” he took out a box from his suitcase and handed it over to her.

“Wow! Thank her on my behalf. And–” she suddenly fell silent.

“What happened?”

“I feel guilty that she thinks so well of me. I was more comfortable with her feelings towards me for the few days when she hated me.”

“What do you have to feel guilty about?”

“My feelings?”

“They don’t matter in her world, Rupali. What you do is all that matters. And you haven’t done anything to feel guilty. If my conscience is clear, yours should be too.”

“You are right,” Rupali smiled weakly.

“By the way,” Paritosh chuckled as he thought of what he was going to tell her next, “Amrit thinks that I am responsible for you not getting married.”

“How so?” Rupali was alarmed.

“She thinks that the incident where you had told the police that we were together that night has marred your reputation and no good proposals come your way now.”

“What?” Rupali laughed out loud.

Paritosh smiled fondly, “Thank God. You are still as loud.”

“Not many people thank God for that,” her laughter vanished and didn’t leave even a smile in its wake.

“You will find the one person who will. And that is all that would matter.”

Hours flew by as they alternately experienced the feelings of hilarity, camaraderie and longing for each other through their conversation. Soon Rupali had parked the car at the airport to send Paritosh off. They did not talk for the last few minutes. As they stood in the terminal facing each other, unspoken emotions clouded their faces and mind yet again. And yet again, it fell to Paritosh to break the silence, “It’s time. Take care, Rupali.”

She nodded and forced a smile, while blinking back her tears. “Dr. Khanna,” she called him just as he turned to leave, “Forgive me for this, but I have to.” Then giving him no time to prepare, she went forward and hugged him tight. Paritosh was startled, but then he let go of the strolley bag he was holding and put his arms around her. His left hand went over her back, while with the right hand he protectively held her head, pressing it into his chest. He could feel a drop or two of her tears wetting his t-shirt.

They separated after a few moments. Paritosh turned and walked off wordlessly. The volcano became active whenever they were together. He couldn’t risk being near it any longer!

– The End –

P. S. I can anticipate the demands of uniting them ultimately 🙂 But not all love stories are the same. This isn’t a story of passion and romance and union. This is a story of longing and separation and unfulfilled desires. The pain is what will keep them going. There will be no continuation!

“Rupali. It’s time for some future planning.”

“Excuse me?”

“Your course work gets over next semester, right?”

“Yes.”

“With the amount of research output you have already produced, after that within four to five months you should be ready to defend your Ph. D. thesis.”

Rupali stared at him, astonished, while he continued, “That means you would have finished your Ph. D. in one year from now. You should start looking up the places you would want to do a post-doc at and start applying.”

“This is so sudden!” she said, not quite knowing how to react.

“Not really. I am planning for next one year. But yes, in the time frame of research world, it’s fairly short.”

“I have been here for barely eighteen months.”

“Yes. So, you will get a Ph. D. in record time. That isn’t surprising. If you had joined after an MS or M. Tech. your course work requirement would have been lesser and you would have finished even earlier.”

“Right,” Rupali mumbled. It was all she could do to not burst out with everything she had been keeping buried inside her. So, this was his plan for “not for long”. He was preparing to throw her out of his life. She felt tears welling up in her eyes. But she did not want to cry before him again. “Excuse me,” she said and got up.

As she left, Paritosh was engulfed with a suffocating sense of wretchedness. His face distorted in pain as he looked at her receding form. He had pushed his luck here. He hadn’t expected it to be so easy. He  had expected her to be furious. He  had expected her to fight back, and fight hard. And then he had hoped that she would agree to his plan like she always did. Giving up, despite disagreeing. But none of that happened. He felt that he had killed something vital inside her. He had broken her. Of all the people in the world, he shouldn’t have been the one to break her like that.

And yet! What else could he have done? He had to do what was ultimately right for her.They couldn’t be living near an active volcano for long.

—

Rupali worked like a maniac for next eight months. She often spent entire nights in the lab, going back to the hostel only to shower and change, then coming back to the lab again. Dark circles were evident around her eyes.

Paritosh grew worried. “You will fall ill at this rate, Rupali,” he tried to bring her to her senses, “Slow down. You are not running out of time.”

“I’m fine.”

“Research is a long-distance race, Rupali. You can’t burn yourself out like this.”

“I told you, I’m fine.”

He had once believed that Rupali ultimately gave in to him despite fighting him. As if it was something she couldn’t help. But now he realized that she gave in only when she wanted to. In the beginning, he had been unable to change her mind about going to the US for Ph. D. or about writing GATE. Now again, he could do nothing to rein her in. She refused to take care of herself, to observe any limits for her health and well-being. So he started doing whatever he could to take care of her. One day she found her drawer filled with energy bars. At other times, he would summon her to his office and force her to have milk, tea or food. She resisted even that initially, but afterwards started obliging him by eating whatever he offered. While that made the situation slightly better, it was by no means healthy. But she did not let Paritosh change her mind about anything else at all.

—

“Sir,” Vineeta, a final year undergraduate student doing her B. Tech. Project with him, was at the door.

“Yes, Vineeta. Come in.”

“Sir. Day after is our hostel day. If Rupali has not already invited you, I would like to invite you and your family for it.” Paritosh was taken aback. It had been a year already? Why did Rupali not invite him? It was not the Diwali week and he wasn’t going anywhere else either.

“Thanks, Vineeta. Rupali had asked me. But I am not sure I will be able to make it. If I can, I will definitely meet you there. But don’t get coupons for me. Rupali would have it. Thanks a lot for the invitation and sorry.”

“No problem, Sir. But I hope you are able to make it. The celebrations are going to be really good this time. Our batch is organizing it.”

“I am sure,” he smiled.

He kept waiting for next two days. Rupali did not invite him. He realized, finally, that she wasn’t even aware of the hostel day this time. The evening when her hostel-mates were celebrating, she was in the lab. Most of her experiments and simulations were already over. She was now working on writing her thesis.

He walked into the lab, which was deserted, except for Rupali. “Rupali. You–”

“Dr. Khanna,” she said excitedly, “I think I am done. I only have to proof-read it. Otherwise my thesis is ready. And I can defend any time.”

“That’s great,” he tried hard, but could not match the enthusiasm she showed.

“What happened?”

“Nothing.”

“You don’t have to keep up any pretenses around me now, Dr. Khanna. Nor do you have to worry about me. I am going to leave you alone very soon.”

“And that’s what you have been overworking yourself for all these days, rather months?”

“You wanted me to finish quickly, didn’t you?”

“I did, didn’t I? But I wanted it because I knew you were capable of it. That didn’t mean I wanted you to torture yourself like this. Why would you not listen to me, Rupali? I did not want any harm to come to you. I have always wanted the best for you. And I always will.”

“I know. I just–,” she averted her eyes and she choked on her words for a moment. She spoke again after clearing her throat, “I did not want to be the reason behind any troubles in your life.”

“I will miss you, Rupali,” Paritosh finally let his guards down and spoke his heart out, “I will miss you terribly. In fact, I have already been missing you for last so many months. The Rupali I knew has been lost to me, already. But at least you were around. There was a hope that one fine morning you will change back to your usual self. And then you will come to my office excited about a new paper you stumbled upon, fight with me over something trivial, invite me for the hostel day, get upset with me if I missed it. You had stopped doing all of that. But there was still a hope. Now that will be gone too. I will miss you.”

Both their eyes were moist.

“But you will not stop me?” she asked after a pause.

“No. Not for the life of mine.”

They stood in silence, their eyes locked on each other, for once not trying to stop them from revealing the raw emotions of their hearts.

Finally, Paritosh broke the trance by asking, “Where have you decided to take up the post-doc?”

“JHU. A great machine learning and NLP group.” Rupali played her part by answering.

“Good choice.”

“Dr. Khanna?”

“Hmm?”

“Will you keep in touch? Or is that also–”

“When did I say I won’t? I’m hoping to collaborate with you.”

“Why do you want to send me away, then?”

“One, it’s not good for you career to be staying here all your life. Two, us being in proximity is like an active volcano. If it erupts, too many people will be hurt. I can’t take that on my conscience. Nor can you.”

Rupali looked away. She couldn’t argue with that.

“If possible, Rupali, don’t be mad at me. I could have done better by you. I am letting you down. But I am torn between responsibilities. And I am not rebellious enough to–”

“Even in this,” she interrupted, “You are my role-model. I will miss you, but I will always admire how you thought about others before yourself. Not just your family, you also prioritized my career, my future and my well-being over your feelings.”

Paritosh closed his eyes and took a few moment to gain control of himself and of the situation he was in. Then he said, “Take some rest tonight. You look ill. Let’s discuss your defense tomorrow morning.”

He walked out before he could do something stupid and damaging. Rupali sank down in her chair and cried her heart out.

—

To be continued

Paritosh was aware that trying to resolve this on the street will create a scene. So, even though it meant losing a few minutes he took out his car. Driving, he managed to catch up with Rupali within minutes.

“Get in,” he pulled up beside her and lowered the window.

“I’m fine,” she tried to avoid him.

“Get in, Rupali,” he drove slowly to keep pace with her.

For how long could she avoid and resist him? She stopped walking, and climbed in. They drove to the department, then walked to his office in silence.

“Will you tell me what happened?” he asked after they were assured of complete privacy inside his office.

“I don’t know. Nothing happened. I don’t know why I broke down.”

“I think you know. But you don’t want to say it.”

Rupali gulped hard and looked at him. Did he want her to say it?

“And that is a wise thing to do,” he added, “Some things in life are best left unsaid. Some feelings are best left unexpressed. But that does not mean they are not understood and appreciated.”

She lowered her eyes. Did it mean he understood?

“But don’t feel dejected, Rupali, if they can’t be reciprocated. We are social animals. We live for people other than ourselves. Do you understand?”

Of course, she did. He was well-respected man. Married, with a family to look after. He couldn’t reciprocate her feelings.

“What is important is to not get stuck on people who can’t reciprocate your feelings. Whatever be their reasons, it’s not you. Your feelings are beautiful, you heart is loving. You must bestow them on someone deserving.”

Silent tears started flowing from her eyes again. “Please don’t cry. If not for yourself, for the sake of people who don’t like seeing you unhappy. Please, Rupali. Tears can hurt.”

She had hero-worshipped him for years. But nothing he had said over the years had touched her like that did. She hoped that her goosebumps were not visible. Outwardly, she nodded and wiped off her tears.

“There is no water in this bottle. Let me get you some. Sit down untill then.”

He brought her water from the water cooler located in the common room.

She took a sip, then said, “I should go back to the hostel now. You should also go home. Your family will be waiting.”

“Yes. But your eyes are swollen. Unless you want to explain this to everybody, you might want to wait here for a while and leave after you are better. I am leaving the spare keys of the office. Keep them with you.”

“Thanks!”

“Just don’t think of jumping off the window,” he joked, but with a sad smile as he recalled the face of the dead student.

“If I have to jump off, I will find somebody else’s office. I will never put you in trouble, Dr. Khanna. Come what may,” Rupali replied resolutely.

“I know,” he smiled, looked her over helplessly. He would have liked to pull her into a tight hug, but he was bound by his sense of propriety and duty.

—

Rupali was about to enter Paritosh’ office when she heard Milind’s voice and stopped.

“That’s straight out of Bollywood movies, Paritosh. Too bad I wasn’t here to witness it. She must be madly in love with you to do something like that.”

“Hmm…” Paritosh didn’t react to that, not even to deny it.

“Did I cross a line there? But come on, Paritosh. We are friends. I’m not going to go around complaining to Amrit.”

Paritosh chuckled, “That is not my worry, MM. Even if you tell Amrit, she is not going to listen to a word against Rupali now. After that incident–”

“Lucky man.”

Paritosh laughed this time and Rupali felt her chest tighten, “You don’t give me much credit for being a nice and honest man, MM. Just because a young girl hero-worships me, you think I am going to take advantage of her and cheat on my wife?”

“The bourgeois notions of right and wrong, some would say. Number one, I think you are as head over heals in love with her, as she is with you. Number two, are you happy in your marriage?”

“Number one is irrelevant. About number two – how should I define happiness? If marital happiness is in finding an intellectual companion, an equal person to be your partner, with whom you can look at the life and the world together, then I would be miserable. But happiness could mean simpler things. A cozy home, a caring wife, a wonderful kid, peaceful life. I should be very happy from that perspective.”

“Are you?”

“When I had married Amrit, I hadn’t given her a checklist of what my happiness would mean. She tries to keep me happy the way she knows. I have to do the same. That’s the deal.”

“And Rupali? Is it fair to her?”

“She might come across as a brat sometimes, MM. But she is mature. And she understands things. Nobody can do anything about their feelings. But she knows that there is no relationship and no future in these feelings. Period.”

“That’s an active volcano you are living with.”

“Not for long.”

Milind’s mobile rang just then.

“Excuse me, I have to take this call. I will catch up with you later,” As Milind came out of the office, Rupali moved away from the door, so that he didn’t see her. Then she went in pretending she hadn’t heard anything. “Not for long” was stuck in her mind though. What did Paritosh mean by that?

—

To be continued