Category: Rupali-Paritosh

Hopeless Hope (Part 5)

Posted Mish6 CommentsPosted in English, Original, Rupali-Paritosh

She hadn’t opened her mouth. But could he trust her? Things had changed since that day. After sharing the most personal parts of his life with her, it was not possible for him to stay aloof from her. And she had started paying more attention to him. Or at least he had started noticing her attentions.

“Do you eat fish?” she had bursted in to his office one day.

“Why?”

“Because I have some for you.”

“And where did you get it from?”

“Now that’s not fair. I asked a question first. And you have already asked me two in return without replying to mine.”

He had laughed at that and had realized immediately how rare that was. He didn’t laugh very often. “Sorry! So what was your question?” A smile still played on his lips.

“Do you eat fish?”

“Yes. I do. And to compensate for not answering earlier, let me answer any related questions to be asked in future as well. I am omnivorous. I eat almost everything.”

“Good then. Try this,” she opened a tiffin box and offered it to him. The box had some fried pieces of fish.

“Where did you get these from?”

“One of my neighbours was in town. Ma sent some through him.”

“They are delicious.”

“She is a good cook. But then all kids feel that way about their mothers, I believe.”

He had laughed again and replied, “But your mother really is. It is delicious.”

“Then have some more.”

“They are for you.”

“Far too many. And I can’t keep them for long. There are no refrigerators in the hostel. Have them please.”

Yet another day she came with some sweets.

“What’s the occasion?”

“A very auspicious one. It’s my birthday,” she had replied with a grin.

“Oh! Wow. I had no idea. Happy Birthday, Rupali. I am sorry, I didn’t know. I don’t even have a gift.”

“That’s easy. You can compensate by giving me an ‘A’ in the project.”

He had mocked a frown, “You are bribing me?”

And both of them had broken into laughter. He had started laughing quite often in her presence.

“Wait Rupali,” he had stopped her when she had made to leave, “I know nobody writes these days, except to put signatures on forms once in a while. But still…” He had taken out a pen from his drawer and had offered it to her. “My advisor had given it to me when I had completed my Ph. D. I kept it with me for all these years. Time to pass it on. Happy birthday.”

Rupali had been surprised beyond belief. It was obvious that it meant a lot to him. For him to have kept it in his drawers all the time. When she took the pen from him, there was a moment when they had held it at the same time. Their fingers hadn’t touched, but it had still sent shivers down her spine.

“Thank you,” she had mumbled, “I couldn’t have gotten a better birthday gift.” She did not dare meet his eyes. She was afraid they would give away more than either of them was prepared for.

—

Rupali stared miserably after Paritosh. She closed the door after he was out of her sight. She was crying. It won’t do to leave the door open. She went back to her chair and sat on it with her head buried in her hands. She remembered the fateful day. It was sometime in the beginning of the last semester at the institute. She was having an enthusiastic discussion with a group of her friends, which sounded so silly to her now.

“Most of us are very easy to manipulate,” she was arguing, “You just need good enough actors.”

“I think most of us can see through what is fake. Only if we have decided to look the other way do we get manipulated. Especially in the matters of heart,” Padma had objected.

“What is a matter of heart?”

“What could be a matter for heart? Relationships, romance…”

“Oh! Those are some of the most manipulated things in the world.”

“You sound very confident?”

“I’m very confident.”

“You can manipulate people into loving you.”

“You didn’t talk about love. You talked about relationships, romance, dates…”

“I didn’t talk about dates. But let’s say date. You think you can get anyone to agree to a date.”

“Define a date.”

“Umm… A coffee invitation from somebody who is not a buddy, let’s say.”

“Coffee?”

“No. That is easy to manipulate. A meal.”

“Outside the campus,” someone else had decided to add an extra condition.

“Dinner, not lunch,” came another addition.

“In a five-star hotel,” chimed in someone else.

“Come on,” Rupali had objected to this one, “Not a lot of people can afford that one. Manipulation has to be within reason.”

“All right. At least to a nice, fancy restaurant.”

“Assuming we are talking about people in the campus, and not rickshaw wallah, or daily-wage workers or grade four staff, that is reasonable,” Rupali had agreed.

“Okay then. Shall we bet?”

“Who do I have to get a date with?”

The names of some of the boys in the institute had popped up at first. From complete dudes to complete nerds. Detailed discussion had followed on what kind would be more difficult to manipulate. And then Padma had come up with the golden answer. By then Rupali was already regretting her bravado. She could have backed out. But when we are young, we tend to see an issue of prestige in trivial things.

“Not a student. A professor.”

“What? No!” Rupali had tried to protest.

“Why not? We are not talking about a rickshaw wallah, or daily-wage workers or grade four staff.”

“Some of them might even be able to afford a five-star hotel.”

Rupali had decided that she’d put up the facade of confidence for the time being and hoped that people would forget about it later on.

“Okay. Who?”

“Dr. Khanna. Paritosh Khanna,” Padma had suggested. The reason was not difficult to guess. If trying to get a date with a professor wouldn’t already be awkward enough, Dr. Khanna was known to be one of the most aloof professors. Not many people had seen him smile. He had never been seen scolding anybody, and doing anything frustrated professors usually did, but everyone was still scared of him.

What they didn’t know, however, that he was relatively relaxed with Rupali. She had smiled inwardly on hearing the name. He was writing recommendations for her Ph. D. application. If she got an admit, she could definitely demand a treat from him for ‘doing well’. If nothing else, after she made the final presentation for her project, she could declare it as an occasion for celebration. A dinner outside the campus in a nice restaurant; that was all their definition of date was, right?

Little did she know that she’d forget all about the bet, she’d have a dinner four months down the line that would become a real date, and then this bet would come back to destroy her, turning it into a lifetime of misery.

She opened her drawer to take out the pen and clutched it close to her heart. Just then her mobile rang.

—

Paritosh was annoyed with the banging on the door. What could be so urgent that someone wouldn’t respect a closed office door, which was a rarity in the institute? And even if something was that urgent, couldn’t one try knocking before banging like that. He was frozen to his spot when on opening the door he found Rupali there. In a completely dishevelled state.

“I need a leave. For at least a week.” She was practically begging.

“What is wrong?” He asked, partly concerned about her state, and partly distracted from noticing the familiar pen in her clutches. She still had the pen? And why was she running around carrying it with her? In such disturbed state?

“My mother. She has grown unwell suddenly. I need to go home and get her to the hospital here. My Kaku, I mean my uncle, is not in town to help her. I must leave right away.” Given her state, he was surprised that she was so intelligible.

“Okay. Go then. I will take care of the formalities.”

She nodded and almost ran away. It was after she was out of sight that he wondered how she would go. He knew that her hometown was at two-hour’s drive from the institute. But she didn’t have a car yet. It was too late to take a bus. He ran after her and managed to catch her right outside the department’s building.

“How will you go?”

“I… Bus… No. I will call a taxi.” The pen was still clutched in one of her hands. With the other hand she fished out her phone from her jeans pocket and tried to make a call. But her hands were shaking badly. His heart sank on seeing her in that condition. He pressed her shaking hand stopping her from further futile attempts at using the phone. “Let me take you,” he said.

“But…”

“Just listen to me, okay? You are in no position to go by yourself. Taxi or otherwise. Wait for a minute. My car is in the parking lot.”

—

To be continued

Hopeless Hope (Part 4)

Posted Mish2 CommentsPosted in English, Original, Rupali-Paritosh

The final year project spanned two semesters for undergraduate students. Rupali was doing hers with Paritosh and she had worked hard in the first semester. When she had requested him for recommendations for her Ph. D. admission applications, he had written glowing recommendations and unknown to her had even spoken to a few of his acquaintances at some of the universities she was applying to. He hadn’t regretted the decision. She was working even harder in the second semester meeting him almost every day with her progress report or with her questions.

They talked about things beyond her project. Nothing particularly personal, but it was still more than he usually talked to any student, or even any colleague. Their conversations would be about other academic stuff, her other courses, his research interests, institute’s policies, her asking for advice about how to plan a career in academics and research and so on. He sometimes wondered why he talked so much to her. Probably because she was mature for her age and he could speak to her like an equal. At the same time he didn’t feel threatened because she was much younger. She wouldn’t judge him, his choices or his life. It was a comfortable camaraderie he enjoyed in his otherwise lonely life.

It would have stayed at that if that call from hospital hadn’t come at a time when she was in his office discussing where she was stuck with her project. The call had disturbed him, as those calls always did! “I think… I need to go out right now… Let’s continue this discussion later, Rupali,” he had told her.

“That is fine. But where are you going? Is there a problem?”

“Nothing to worry about. I have to go to the hospital,” he had replied and then seeing that she was worried even more on hearing the word ‘hospital’, he had told her the name as a way of explanation, “JJD.”

That was a mental hospital. So, there wasn’t an accident or anything. But why a mental hospital? She hadn’t asked him then, but he had to tell her later.

“It’s my wife,” he had informed her. She was in the hospital for last seven years or so. “She got those attacks since her childhood. Doctors here identified them as severe anxiety attacks. But she never got any treatment at her parents’ home. They were more interested in hushing down any stories about the attacks she had and wanted to get her married early so that the prospects of her other siblings did not get marred.”

“What does that even mean?”

He had smiled patronizingly at her, “It probably sounds Greek to you, but for a large part of our population, getting all their kids married is the only and the ultimate goal they have in life.”

“And how can you find that amusing? Don’t you feel angry? Isn’t it unfair that you are saddled with this responsibility?”

He had sighed and leaned back on his chair, “You ask me difficult questions, Rupali. There are things that we just come to terms with.”

“Why? Why wouldn’t you hold her family responsible? Why wouldn’t you send her back to them and ask for a divorce?”

Paritosh had looked thoughtful for a while and then he had spoken. He had spoken quite a lot, quite uncharacteristically. “You asked me if I don’t feel angry. I had felt angry. Extremely angry. And you know what she told me? Or rather begged me to do. She told me that instead of sending her back to her family, I should leave her in Banaras or some place. That is what her family would do as well. But if she were sent back, everyone in the village would know, and it would be a trouble for her younger siblings and cousins, especially her sisters. She gave me another option too. She told me that she would happily write a suicide note, if I could arrange to kill her. She was too scared to commit suicide herself. Otherwise she would have done it long back.”

Rupali had looked like all the blood was drained out of her face.

“I’m sorry,” he had realized that he had said things that were too crass and had added gently. “I got carried away. I am scaring you.”

“No. Obviously you didn’t do either,” she had smiled weakly, “There is nothing to be scared about.”

“How could I? And then…” he had stopped himself. He was getting carried away again. He hadn’t realized that he was so eager to talk to someone about all of this. But how appropriate would it to tell all this to a student, especially when he had kept silent before everyone else all these years.

“Then?”

He had smiled, “Nothing. Let’s…”

“You can’t tell me half the story, Dr. Khanna. That’s not fair.”

“Real life stories are not fairy tales. They don’t have a happy ending. Or even a closure.”

“I know that by now. But I still need to know the rest.”

He had shaken his head at her persistence. Then he had decided that she had heard the worst already, and continued, “I had some questions to answer myself too. Why had I married her? Because my mother wanted a daughter-in-law who would serve her and take care of her in her last days. She wouldn’t leave our hometown and live with me here. So, Amrit, that is my wife, had stayed back with her. She never complained. She took care of her like a professional nurse here won’t have been able to do. All this while fighting through her own illness. Did I owe her nothing? I visited once a month and for a long time I didn’t even know about her problems. I had stayed longer during summer vacation once. It was then that she got one of her attacks and I came to know about it. When that happened, she had cried at my feet asking me to choose one of those two options, but not send her back. In that scheme of things was she a perpetrator or a victim? Sending her back would have been a lifelong punishment for her and not her family, who were the real culprits. My own family had done no better by her. I questioned my mother about not informing me and not getting her treated. Apparently they had been to a doctor in the town. He said everything was fine with her and she was just missing her parents’ home.  Once she settled down in her new home, everything would be fine. You didn’t have to be a doctor to know that the diagnosis was flawed. She was seriously troubled. I tried to convince my mother that both of them should come and live with me. But my mother wouldn’t agree. ‘If you are missing your wife so much, take her. I am not leaving my home,’ she would taunt me. And the idea of serving her in-laws at all costs was so ingrained in Amrit that she wouldn’t think of doing anything against my mother’s wishes.”

He had fallen silent, but Rupali urged him on, “Then?”

“I drove myself crazy thinking about it. Finally I decided to raise my voice against my mother. It didn’t come easy to me. I was not brought up that way. Parents’ wishes had been the final word for me all my life. They had wanted me to come back from US. I did. They had wanted me to marry Amrit. I did. But now I was responsible for Amrit’s wellbeing too. So, I decided to go home to get her here. But I didn’t have to rebel. Just as I was leaving for home, I got a call from Amrit telling me that my mother was breathing her last. She died minutes after I reached there. I brought Amrit here with me, but her problems only increased with time. The doctors told me that it was too late for her to get better. And after…” His voice had drowned again.

“Dr. Khanna?”

“This is crazy. Wrong. Why I am telling you all this?” he had suddenly grown extremely self-conscious.

“Because it doesn’t look like you have shared it with many people. Probably with no one. And we need to share our problems.”

“She wanted a baby,” he needed only a small encouragement to continue, “She was convinced that it would be a cure to her problems. Despite doctors advising against it. But pregnancy only made her condition worse. During one of the attacks she harmed herself and… the baby could not be saved. She had a complete breakdown after that and had to be institutionalized. There was no way she could lead a normal life here. And that is how she has been till now… She had a severe attack yesterday when I got the call. So, I went to see her. Sometimes she recognizes me and it helps her. But most of the times even that doesn’t happen.”

They had stayed silent for a while. Rupali needed time to process everything she had heard. “I’m sorry,” she had finally broken the silence with these words, “For you. But your wife is really lucky.”

Paritosh had shrugged not knowing how to feel about that complement. Then he had tried to change the subject, “Our discussion was interrupted yesterday. Shall we…”

“Not now,” she had stopped him urgently. Paritosh had looked at her for a moment and had realized that she was too affected. He had come to terms with all of it over the years, but he had told her too much in just a few minutes.

“Fine,” he had relented. She didn’t usually shy away from work. So, she must not be in a position to discuss. That’s why she had stopped him. “But don’t be so disturbed. Things happen. Life is not fair. But we don’t stop living.”

She had nodded.

“You want some coffee, or tea?” he had asked seeing that she was still quite shaken up.

The coffee invitation would have been the first step towards winning her bet with her friends, but she had long forgotten about it. Right then, she could really do with some coffee. So, she had nodded and they had walked to the department’s canteen to grab a cup.

They had sipped their coffee in awkward silence. Paritosh had looked around after a while and had spoken after ensuring that the place almost empty, “Rupali. You really shouldn’t have heard all of this. I know it sounds selfish that I should be preaching you after unburdening myself at your expense. But try to forget. It is sad and dark and I would hate it if it affected you.”

“I am fine. Don’t worry about me.”

He had nodded and had spoken again after a pause, “Not many people know about it here. Many think that I am not married or am widowed. Not that I want to deceive anyone. But I don’t want rumours and pity all around me either.”

“I won’t open my mouth, I promise. You can trust me,” she had said earnestly.

—

To be continued

Hopeless Hope (Part 3)

Posted Mish2 CommentsPosted in English, Original, Rupali-Paritosh

And the introduction surprised her. He wasn’t reading out from a paper, but speaking from memory. What he was saying wasn’t even her usual brief biodata, which she had given to Meher earlier for this purpose. He enumerated her academic achievements from the time she was an undergraduate student at the institute and went on to describe every important milestone of her career during her Ph. D. and post-doctoral work, all the awards, all the illustrious journal publications, all the important conference presentations…. When did he learn so much about her? And why? Before this meeting? For this introduction?

“I don’t think I need to add any assurance from my side that Dr. Rupali Banerjee is a valuable addition to our department. I’m sure her achievements in research and teaching here will continue to make us proud,” he said as a way of conclusion. He didn’t have to ask for applause, as he got a big one naturally. Despite the competitiveness and insecurity many felt in the academic world, Rupali’s achievements were too good for people to hold back.

After the applause died down, Paritosh looked at Rupali indicating to her to say something. “That was…” she felt her cheeks going red and hot again, “That introduction made everything sound so glorious that I am taken aback myself.” Humility! There was no dearth of good qualities in her, Paritosh thought. Was it only empathy that she lacked? “I just want to say that it is an honour to come back to the institute in this role and to be able to call myself a colleague of many people who have taught me. I hope I am able to live up to their expectations.”

Another round of applause followed and then they broke the meeting. Snacks and tea were served in the room and people chatted on informally. Rupali had conversations with all the faculty members and staff. Paritosh noticed satisfactorily that she was becoming more comfortable by every minute.

“So, why did you decide to come back to India?” someone asked Rupali and Paritosh listened with curiosity. But she didn’t give any concrete answer. “It was just supposed to be this way,” she replied with a shrug and a philosophical smile. Was she unhappy about returning?

And why did so many questions about her keep coming to his mind?

—

Rupali looked at the project proposal two students had brought to her. It was a part of her course. Given the topic they had chosen, Paritosh’ input could be extremely valuable for the project. She was about to suggest that to the students when she stopped .What if he refused? Because the request came through her? She decided not to give this idea to the students until she could be sure of his cooperation. She just offered her comments and asked them to meet her the next week after they had made some progress.

After the students left she struggled to write an e-mail to Paritosh for a while. Then she gave up. How difficult could it be? At worst he would refuse. What harm could come from that? She decided to just talk to him face-to-face.

She knocked at the open door to draw his attention. “Rupali. Come in,” he wasn’t startled; he didn’t look confused or uncomfortable as he had in some of their earlier encounters. That gave her courage. “What’s up?” He was polite. Her courage redoubled.

“I was wondering…” her fingers had curled into a fist in nervousness, despite the doubled courage. Paritosh noticed that.

“Why don’t you sit down?”

“No… I’m fine… I mean…” Why was she bumbling like an idiot? He had only asked her to sit down. It made sense for her to sit down if she was going to discuss a project with him. “I should sit down,” she finished even more foolishly and sat down.

He frowned and in that moment the answer struck him. He knew what had changed about her. She didn’t have that bindaas attitude he had associated with her always. There was a nervousness, an air of misery about her. Why? ‘Wonderful!’ he thought with some annoyance, ‘I hardly get the answer to one question I have about her and the other one pops up.’ Outwardly he kept his calm and asked, “Everything all right?”

“Yes. Of course. Do you have some time? I wanted to discuss some student projects with you.”

“Okay?” he was confused. Was that what she was so nervous about?

He wasn’t asking her to leave. She took a deep breath and handed him the printout of the proposal. “I was hoping you could provide them and me some inputs on it. Specifically in designing the simulations.”

“Sure,” he said while looking over the proposal.

It was that easy. She let out the breath she had been holding. At worst he would have refused. What harm could come from that? But she realized now that his refusal would have made her extremely miserable. “Thank you, Dr. Khanna.”

“You can fix up a meeting with the students once they are ready to start the work.”

“Yes Sir. Thank you, Sir,” she got up.

“Rupali,” he stopped her as she was leaving. He could not suppress his curiosity, “Is that what you were so nervous about?”

Her face turned ashen. Her gulp was visible. “It isn’t the first time I have been an absolute idiot,” she replied and left.

What the hell did she mean? This change in her, it didn’t have anything to do with him, did it? It couldn’t. She didn’t care about him. It was all about a bet!

—

“These days it is just easier to use cloud services for running these simulations. Even the best machine locally will have maximum of 16 GB RAM. It will be much faster and not particularly costly to just run an AWS instance for a few hours. It is preapproved in the department and we also have special rates from Amazon. Speak to Meher about it,” Paritosh explained to Rupali and her students about the project.

“And any suggestions on simulation design itself.”

“Their reading list seems to have most of the papers. I had given this talk at IIMT a couple of years ago. In that I had explained some of these in simple terms; and had also suggested some sources of relevant data. Let me see if I can find the transcript. If not…”

“I have the video,” Rupali said.

“Video? How come?”

“They had recorded it and posted it on their website after your talk. I downloaded a copy for my reference.”

“That’s great…” It was weird. How did she even know about the talk, much less follow it and download a video.

He didn’t know that she had a Google alerts set up for his name! It wasn’t just he who had followed her life obsessively since their parting six years ago.

—

“Seriously? Three competing quotations? For an online service costing ten dollars… five hundred rupees a month?” Rupali was asking incredulously.

Meher gave her an embarrassed smile and shrug. “The registrar told me that those are the rules,” that was the only answer she had.

Paritosh stopped in his tracks. Rupali’s office door was open as was expected of all the faculty members, unless they really needed the privacy. “What’s going on?” he couldn’t help asking.

Rupali got up looking flustered, while Meher was relieved, “Dr. Khanna. Good that you are here. I was about to suggest to Dr. Banerjee that you might be able to help.”

“That’s not needed Meher,” Rupali objected, “It’s a small amount. I will just pay for it myself.”

“What is the problem?” Paritosh patiently asked again.

Meher looked in confusion from Rupali to Paritosh and back. Should she talk or should she not?

“It’s okay, Meher,” Rupali saw her confusion and decided to relieve her, “I will discuss this with Dr. Khanna.”

“Cool,” she replied and went out.

Paritosh stayed and waited for Rupali to speak.

“There is this online service. I have used it earlier. It is like a social network for students and teachers. Makes the group work, class announcements and other such things really easy. I wanted to use it in my class. It’s just ten dollars a month. But it seems that for buying anything from the department’s budget, I need to get three competing quotes. It makes no sense whatsoever. It’s not a computer. Where am I even to find three people providing exactly this service? I thought I will just pay for it myself.”

Paritosh could not help smiling. He remembered his own initial days in India after returning from US. Getting his head around the bureaucracy of academic institutes hadn’t been easy. He identified with her frustration.

“There is a little privilege we poor professors get,” he told her, “It is hidden somewhere in the faculty manual and administrators will never remind you of it. But for every full credit course you teach in a semester, you can spend something like two thousand rupees a month on class activities. You should be able to expense it off under that head. The form is on the department’s intranet site.”

“Oh! That’s great. Thanks a lot.”

“Things make you regret coming back, don’t they?” he spoke more to himself than her, it appeared to Rupali.

“Do they?” she asked a question in reply, “But you have always put people in your life ahead of your professional ambitions, haven’t you?”

“Why did you come back?” he asked and then chided himself for continuing the conversation with her. He wasn’t supposed to do that. Not again!

“For the same reason that you had. For my mother… Dr. Khanna,” her eyes suddenly grew wide, as she screamed his name and almost jumped towards him. She held the door with one hand. Her other hand grabbed his to take it away from the door’s groove. All of it happened before he could blink and it took him some time to understand what was going on. The stopper had come out somehow and the door was getting shut due to the force of the air coming through the open window. He was still standing at the door, and his fingers were resting on the groove. If the door had shut, he would have been hurt. Badly!

Paritosh looked at Rupali who was examining his hands. She was panting. Not from the physical exercise definitely. That hadn’t been so hard. She was obviously distressed. “Are you hurt?” she asked.

That concern and care! He would fall for it again. “I am fine,” he mumbled and withdrew his hands. Then he abruptly turned and left.

He locked his office-door from inside. He wasn’t in the mental state to see anybody at that moment. He slumped on his chair and buried his head in his hands. What had fate planned for him? He wasn’t looking for anything happy in his life. He had taken his past disappointments, mistakes and hopelessness as granted. But why did they have to knock at his door again and again. Hadn’t the past been sufficient?

—

To be continued

Hopeless Hope (Part 2)

Posted MishLeave a commentPosted in English, Original, Rupali-Paritosh

Rupali smiled as she finished preparing for the first lecture she would deliver in her new role as the assistant professor in the institute. She had included the examples of algorithmic problems Paritosh had introduced them to in his first lecture of Algorithms all those years ago. The problems which looked simple enough, and yet if you tried to do them in a brute-force manner, the computers will take hundreds of years to do them. Those examples had piqued her curiosity immediately. And her fascination for Algorithms and Computer Science had seen no waning since then. While till then she had been unsure about her decision of joining engineering itself, after that she had done all possible courses in that area, worked outside the course work to enhance her understanding and knowledge and had gone to US to do her Ph. D. and post-doctorate after finishing B. Tech. She hoped that one of her lectures could someday make that kind of difference in a student’s life that Paritosh’ lecture had made to her all those years back.

—

Paritosh would have a tough time explaining to himself, and to anyone else passing by, what he was doing at the door of the classroom where a group of undergraduates were taking their first lessons in Algorithms. Thankfully the classroom was at the end of one of the numerous corridors in the building and unless somebody had to come to this classroom they were unlikely to pass by. And everyone who had to come to the class was already inside. A bunch of eighteen-year old boys, who made up most of the class, were unlikely to be late to the class of a beautiful young female professor. Word about the new professor must have gone around in the hostels. And the professor was also already inside the class, starting her lecture dot on time.

Unknown to Paritosh, she had felt nervous for a few moments when the clock had struck nine. As a graduate student and later as a post doctoral fellow at her university in the US, she had often taken tutorials and had occasionally lectured too. Public speaking had never been a challenge to her. The stage held no terrors. Still she was unnerved for a while. She felt an enormous responsibility on her shoulders – the responsibility of introducing a discipline of study to these fifty odd youngsters. If they developed interest, it would be her achievement. If they didn’t, it would be her failure. She realized that she had never admired her own professors as much in the past as she did at that moment. They had carried on their responsibilities with so much ease. She took in a deep breath and recalled the lecture that had taken place in the same classroom about nine years ago, when she had been on the other side. She tried to draw strength from the memory and greeted her students a cheery good morning.

A smile automatically formed on Paritosh’ lips as he heard her giving a sample problem to the students – the travelling salesman problem in computer science parlance, which she was explaining with milkman as an example. If he had to cover certain houses in different localities everyday with minimal travelling required and had to come back to his cowshed at the end of it, what would be the optimal route for him? “Something your milkman has probably figured out from experience,” she said. She had imitated the exact words he used when he taught that course. “Computers, however, are dumb creatures.” His smile turned to a grin as he heard her engage the class in calculations that showed how this simple-sounding problem will take a computer ridiculous amount of time to solve if the number of places to cover even became as big as twenty. “As humans, we can help the computers do much better with this and other problems. This course will, hopefully, equip you with some basic tools to do that.” Paritosh became aware of his stupid grin and turned solemn again. He also became conscious of how odd his standing near the door of the classroom was. He turned to leave when Rupali noticed something at the door. The feeling she got was eerily similar to what she had felt in the Computer Science lab six years ago. Somebody had been at the door overhearing, as Padma had congratulated her for winning the bet.

“What bet?” she had been surprised.

“Don’t be so modest. The bet of going on a date with Dr. Khanna, what else?”

“What the… No…” And she had felt someone passing by the door of the lab.

She had excused herself and rushed out. He had turned at the end of the corridor, but it surely was him. She had followed him to his office, not quite knowing what she’d do. But she had to do something. Apologize? Tell him that…

But his steely voice had left her speechless, “You had forgotten your notebook.” He had handed it to her. He must have come to the lab to return it.

“Sir, I…”

“Leave. Ms. Banerjee.”

She had trembled in fear and any attempts at trying to explain had been pre-empted by another “Leave. Now.” order from him.

“Excuse me,” she presently announced to the class absent-mindedly, “I will be back in a minute.” She got down from the podium and rushed to the door leaving her students whispering to each other about this inexplicable action of hers. She caught just a glimpse of him as he took the next turn and disappeared. Was he there? Was he overhearing her lecture? Why?

She couldn’t follow him this time. She had a class to teach. And what would she tell him even if she did follow him? She came back to the class and forced herself to concentrate on the task at hand.

—

Paritosh was determined now. He could not continue holding an old prank against her. It was his own vulnerability that had made it sting so much. She wasn’t responsible for it. As the HOD, he had professional responsibilities. He was supposed to mentor younger faculty members. He had to do that for her too. But he was thrown off balance once more as he walked into the conference room for the monthly departmental meeting. Rupali was already there and nobody else had come yet. “Hi,” he said awkwardly. But then took a deep breath and decided to make good of his resolve, “How are things?” He was satisfied by how he sounded this time.

“Fine Sir.”

“Among colleagues we are on a first-name basis here,” he replied with a smile.

She wasn’t sure how she should take that. Was he trying to imply something? A break off from the past? Was he being sarcastic? Or was she just reading too much into the situation.

She looked at him and felt that his smile was genuine. She relaxed. “Old habits die hard, Sir.” It was funny. It came so naturally in the US to address her teachers by their names. But back in India, it was difficult. And changing habits was even more difficult. When she had called him ‘Sir’ or ‘Dr. Khanna’ as a student, how could she suddenly start calling him by his first name? She had cringed in the class, when the students had addressed her as Ma’am. Probably she should insist early on that the students address her by her first name. Once habituated, it would be difficult to get them to behave otherwise.

“How did the first lecture go?” he asked.

Her heart skipped a beat. He had been there. Was he looking for something specific in her answer? “I imitated you,” she replied, “I think that saved my day.”

He laughed. It wasn’t without reason that he had been so enamoured with her wit all those years back? That hadn’t changed in her. Something else had though. What was it? He couldn’t put his fingers on it.

His laughter gave Rupali some hope. He wasn’t as bitter as he had been back then. May be, just may be, sometime soon, he’d let her apologize. She didn’t dare hope for anything more. Although if…

Meher walked in next apologizing profusely for the delay and soon the rest of the faculty members and staff were in the room too.  It was the monthly administrative meeting and initial agenda items were operational ones around general and library budget, new machine requirements in the lab, resolving conflicts in the time table for the semester, discussion on the number of new students coming in and ensuring facilities for them etc. Since it was the first meeting of the semester, the number of agenda items was particularly large. But as the newest and youngest member, Rupali didn’t have much to contribute on them. In fact, most people didn’t have anything to say. Things were decided beforehand and it was only formal ratification that happened in these meetings. After these were out of the way, it was the time to formally introduce the new joinees to the staff. Paritosh delegated the task of introducing new administrative staff to Meher. Rupali was the only faculty who had joined in that semester. After Meher was done, he introduced Rupali himself.

—

To be continued

Hopeless Hope (Part 1)

Posted Mish6 CommentsPosted in English, Original, Rupali-Paritosh

“Good morning, Dr. Khanna,” Rupali managed to greet Paritosh even as her cheeks turned red and hot. Thankfully Meher, the chief administrator, had decided not to stay on after realizing that Rupali and Paritosh knew each other already. Otherwise the awkwardness and the strange tension that filled Paritosh’ office at that moment would not have escaped her.

“Dr. Banerjee,” Paritosh’ face might not have looked as flushed as Rupali’s. But his mind was as flustered as hers. He decided to come back to the institute after six years and one new person who joined the department that semester and came on the same day as his joining back had to be Rupali Banerjee!

‘Leave. Ms. Banerjee,’ some memories from past echoed in her mind. It was the same room. It was the same two people. “Rupali. Please Sir,” she could not help requesting and she sounded so miserable that Paritosh regretted being so cold to her. Despite what had happened…

“Right,” he mumbled, “Welcome to the institute. Welcome back, rather. It feels great to see the students coming back as faculty.” He managed to speak out his welcoming remark, but his delivery had obviously been lacking. If he could not avoid this situation altogether, he would have liked to be prepared better for it. But as it happened, he had joined that morning itself and had been given the details of the new recruit barely fifteen minutes back. He hadn’t had the time to overcome his shock.

And Rupali had gotten even less time than he had. She had felt a chill run down her spine, when Meher had taken that turn in the department building to take her to meet the HOD. “Dr. Rao sits in room no. 204?” she had asked trying to sound as calm as possible.

“Dr. Rao? No. We are going to meet Dr. Khanna. Dr. Rao has left. Dr. Khanna has joined this morning as the new HOD. He was with the institute even earlier. I wasn’t here then. When he came back, he requested for, and was given, his old office.”

“Dr. Paritosh Khanna?” Rupali had been alarmed.

“Yes. You know him?”

“I did several courses under him, when I was a student here,” she hoped her voice was not sinking, “He was my guide for the final year project too.”

“Ohh!! What a coincidence that you should come back to join on the same day. And this makes my job easier. Here is his office,” the door was open as expected, “Good morning Dr. Khanna. I believe you already know Dr. Rupali Banerjee. So, I’ll leave the two of your to do your formalities. Dr. Banerjee, I will be in the admin office. Once you are done you can come back for the rest of the paperwork.”

“Yeah,” Rupali had mumbled and had entered the room with her hot, red, flushed cheeks.

“Good morning, Dr. Khanna,” she had greeted him.

Presently she replied to his inadequately warm welcome, “Thanks. Pleasure is mine. I didn’t know you had come back. Dr. Rao had signed my offer letter…”

“It was a spur of the moment decision. Dr. Rao decided to leave. The director reached out to me and I just decided to… I had no idea about your decision either.”

Had they known about each other’s decision, would they have changed their own?

“You couldn’t have.”

“Why don’t you sit down?” Paritosh was finally gaining some of his composure back. Rupali realized only then that both of them were standing till then.

She didn’t stop to think if it was appropriate before she spoke, “I think I should get back to Meher. Apparently there is at least a day’s worth of paperwork.”

Normally, as HOD Paritosh would spend more time in the introductory meeting with a new faculty member. Rupali’s reluctance towards further conversation was unprofessional, but he wasn’t complaining. He wanted to step away and have sometime to himself to absorb the situation as much as she did.

“Okay. If you have any issues in settling down, feel free to reach out.”

“Sure Sir.” Nobody could have said ‘sure’ with such want of surety.

—

Rupali thought for a moment every time she signed a paper that day. Should she withdraw? There was still time. Some other institutes would still honour their job offers to her. She had chosen this offer because it was one of the best institutes in India, it was her dear alma mater, she could stay close to her mother, probably convince her to live with her and she had been sure that Dr. Khanna was not here. Everything else was still valid. But…

But by the end of the tiring and boring day of filling up and signing papers, she had decided that she wouldn’t go away. This was fate’s way of giving her a chance. A chance to make amends. She wasn’t sure she would be able to make any good of the chance. But she wouldn’t refuse it. Not unless she got any hints that he wanted her to…

Paritosh himself had a lot of paperwork to do. However, for him it was familiar work. Hence Meher had just left the papers with him. It took him a lot of effort to go through the motion of filling and signing the forms. He wondered every few minutes if he should just leave it there and go back to Delhi. They wouldn’t refuse to take him back. That much was always ensured with his professional reputation in his field.

But why should he do that? What will it achieve? It wasn’t like he was angry with her. Even if there was any bitterness in the beginning, over the years it had withered away. All that was left was a dull, but constant ache. And his mind had told him again and again that it wasn’t her fault. She was a young student. Playing a prank was natural for her. It was idiotic on his part to fall for it. And it was outright wrong for him to have those feelings. If someone was responsible for his humiliation, it was he himself. No. He wasn’t angry at her. He was angry at himself. When the anger wasn’t directed at her, her presence should not make things any worse for him, should it? Then, how would it matter if he stayed or went back? He might as well stay. He would stay. He would not go back. Not unless his presence continued to be uncomfortable for her… Like it was that morning.

—

“Dr. Khanna,” Meher came to his office the next morning, “You need to sign these papers as Dr. Banerjee’s boss before I can file them.” She handed him the paper.

He signed them and handed her his own papers, “Will you take care of getting mine signed by the director?”

“Sure Sir.”

“And Meher?”

“Yes Sir?”

“Rupali… I mean Dr. Banerjee is all settled?”

“I think so, Sir. She has been a student here. I’m sure everything is familiar and known to her. Your meeting with her was fairly short. I guess you already know everything about her.” Meher’s smile was bright. But it failed to bring any cheer to Paritosh.

“Yes. Indeed,” he replied tentatively wondering if that was the right response.

Meher didn’t show any untoward reaction to his reply.  So, it must have been fine, he decided. Why was he so overworked about it?

“Oh! And Dr. Khanna. I forgot to give you this. Here is a copy of department’s time table for the semester. It starts from Monday, of course.”

“Thanks Meher.”

Paritosh looked at the timetable after Meher left. Rupali would be teaching Algorithms to second year undergraduates. He had taught her that course. He remembered very well. It was one of the first departmental courses the students of Computer Science took. And it was in that course that he had noticed Rupali for the first time. One of those rare students, who always attended all the classes, although he hadn’t made attendance compulsory in his course. And ever curious. She asked intelligent questions. Nothing pleases a teacher more than a worthy and intelligent student. She had pleased him in that course. And in the other advanced courses she had done under him. And while organizing the technical festival of the institute where he was one of the advisors. And in her final year project. And then… Paritosh jerked himself out of that chain of thoughts. He didn’t want to think about her. And about that…

—

To be continued

Destined (Part 30 – Last Part)

Posted Mish9 CommentsPosted in English, Inspired, Rupali-Paritosh

It was a couple’s therapy session, which they had gone for on advice from Dr. Mathew. They walked to the car silently, still reeling emotionally from the experience.

Paritosh had to drive. But Rupali was so overwhelmed that she leaned back on the passenger’s seat and closed her eyes. They had been asked to speak out their feelings for each other. And why did they feel the way they did?

“At first it was the professional admiration,” Paritosh had said about her, “She had the tolerance for everything unnerving that came with the profession. And still a compassion for people. I had seen too many people lose one for the other. Then it was a curiosity that drew me to her. She showed a strange mix of strength and helplessness… And then a connection. A shared pain of orphanhood. A shared past. But despite all the pain, helplessness, loneliness, sense of abandonment, her strength shone through. She herself did not realize it, but she had never given up on life. Always held on to something to carry her through. Her studies, her profession… And she was not bitter. She could act on my wisdom, which I had myself never acted on. She was… she is my hope… for life.”

Could she really mean that much to him? More than a protegee, a helpless girl in need of help, or a muse? She meant “hope” for him? Him saying that meant the world to her. The last shreds of doubt about herself, about their relationship were gone!

Even thought Paritosh was too responsible a person to not pay attention to the road and traffic while driving, it did not keep his mind free from the thoughts of the session.

“I could talk about a thousand times when he has been there for me,” she had said, “But he had me the very first time… When he stopped Rohan in the hospital… From forcing himself on me… Nobody else cared, or noticed earlier; and if they did, they looked the other way, they never said anything. That was the first time anyone had stood up for me. That was the first time I felt that… it might still be possible to save myself, my dignity…”

He hadn’t thought about that incident in a long time now. It meant so much to her!! That hesitant, unsure intervention? He had considered “looking away”. He couldn’t thank God enough that he didn’t act on that. Instead he had listened to his heart.

They were about to reach his house, when her phone rang. She picked it up reluctantly.

“Kaku?” She got attentive on seeing the number, “Hello Kaku… What? Oh… Oh my God! Dr. Khanna,” she looked at him and spoke urgently, “We need to go to the hospital.” He nodded, a thousand questions popping up in his mind. “We are on our way Kaku. Please remain calm. Everything will be all right.”

“What happened?” he asked as soon as she disconnected the call.

“Kakima had a heart attack. Kaku was too flustered. I could not get much information out of him. She is in the hospital.”

“Won’t take us more than twenty minutes. Don’t worry, okay?”

She nodded.

—

Rohan had escaped from the medical facility and had assaulted a girl. She was saved by the staff finding him just in time. But her family had filed a case. He might not have to go to jail because of his mental status, but it was going to be either the facility or the jail for him. Damyanti had not taken the news well.

“She kept asking for you Rupa,” Sabyasachi told her, as they waited outside the ICU.

“Me?” Rupali was surprised. Shouldn’t it have been Rohan?

“She thought that if you did not forgive her and Rohan, we’d never have a normal life again.”

“Oh my God!” Rupali buried her head in her hands, “How do I ever convince her Kaku, or you that I never bore any ill-will towards you? How can I Kaku? Am I so ungrateful?”

“Of course not, my child,” Sabyasachi tried to get control of his emotions, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have told you about her incoherent ramblings. I was just… I am not in control of myself…”

“Everything will be all right. The best cardiologist in the city, in the entire country, is with her right now. Please Kaku. Take care of yourself.”

He nodded and sighed.

—

There wasn’t much to be done at the hospital. Damyanti had survived the attack. But she would wake up only by evening. Sabyasachi refused to leave the hospital for even a moment. So, they arranged a room for him in the hospital itself and came back to Paritosh’ house. They had a late lunch, mostly in silence. Then Rupali followed Paritosh to his room. He had hardly spoken anything since the phone call about the heart attack, except for the bare minimal formalities in asking after Damyanti at the hospital. And thanks to the effect of the earlier session, they hadn’t talked much in the car before that either. It was a confusing situation for Rupali. What was he thinking?

“What happened?” she asked directly.

“Nothing,” his reply was non-committal, “Or probably a lot. How are you feeling?”

She gave a knowing smile, “Why does it always have to be about me first Dr. Khanna? Why don’t you speak about yourself for a change?”

Paritosh looked surprised by her reply. Then he sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed. Rupali followed the suit.

“What is it?” she goaded, “You have to talk to me.”

“Rupali. You are already under too much pressure…”

“What pressure? Kakima’s health is upsetting, but what is there to feel pressurized about?”

“Let it go, Rupali. Some other time.”

“No. No way,” she was adamant, “Are you seeing some divine connection between what happened to Rohan or Kakima and us? I know you. You are prone to thinking like that…”

“If I could, I would take you away from all of this, so that you never have to hear about Rohan again. But… This morning I had thought that we’d taken a big step towards each other. And by now it seems like you have been pushed away again. I’m… I’m probably not thinking straight. I am sorry, Rupali. I might be hurting you… And I don’t intend to be insensitive towards Mrs. Moitra, but it’s just that…”

His ramblings were silenced by Rupali suddenly holding his hands and clutching them tight. He stopped talking and looked down at their hands in surprise. Rupali then lifted one of his hands and gently caressed his cuff-links.

“What is it with the cuff-links?” he asked suddenly, “Why do you stare at them all the time.”

Rupali was taken by surprise. Her reaction to the cuff-links had been noticeable, it meant. She smiled, “There was something I should have said in the session, but I did not. For some reason. However, since you are such a believer in seeing divine connection, let me tell you this.”

He looked at her questioningly, when she paused. Assured that she had his attention, she went on. She told him about her nightmare and the helping hands she had seen. And how in the morning she had realized that she had seen his hands.

“I must have known subconsciously, Dr. Khanna,” she concluded, “That you would be there for me. If there is a divine connection, it is this. Here. Between us. Otherwise, we being together was impossible.”

“You are crazy, Rupali.”

“So are you. But this ‘pushing away’ business is over, Dr. Khanna. Nobody, nothing is going to push me away any longer. Just one thing…”

“What is it?” he was easily alarmed.

“The past can not be erased. They are my parents. Guilty or not, they are not going to turn their back on me. Or me on them. And Rohan is their son. He and his issues will come up every now and then. Kaku has promised me that he won’t bring him back to Kolkata. Now, he can’t do that even if he wanted to. But I can not wipe those names off my life, Dr. Khanna. Will you be able to take it?”

“I can take a lot more,” Paritosh replied in a hoarse, urgent voice, “So long as you are there.”

And in an uncharacteristic act, she lifted his hand even further, bent down a bit planted a quick kiss on it. When she looked up, she met with an intense gaze from Paritosh. Today, thought, she was able to hold it. She went ahead, put her arms around him, leaned on him, and nuzzled his chest and hollow of the neck. The effect it had on him was too much for him to handle. He held her and pushed her away a bit.

“Don’t do this,” his voice was hoarser and his eyes dark.

“Why not?” she whispered back.

“You are driving me crazy. I’ll break my promise…”

“I don’t care. I want to jump through all the steps remaining between us.” With this she closed her eyes and her lips pouted, just a little, expecting to be kissed.

The invitation was impossible to resist and Paritosh crashed his lips on hers. This must be how the heroines in the romantic novels felt, Rupali could not help thinking to herself. This kiss was something she could look forward to – again & again!

He bent over her and started kissing and nibbling on her neck and earlobes. She was surprised at the sensations it created in her body. Rohan had never done that. Not surprising. He was always driven by his own needs. Groping her wherever he felt like. But why was she thinking about that jerk at this special moment. Her head turned, as Paritosh moved to the other side of her neck. And she saw the door.

“Dr. Khanna,” she hissed with difficulty. Her throat was giving way to his sweet assaults on her body.

He withdrew immediately, looking concerned. Was she not ready?

She pointed towards the door with her hands. “Please lock it,” she managed to say.

Paritosh sighed in relief and got up, but did not leave her behind. He took her with him to the door, locked it and pinned her against it.

“You are sure?” he wanted another confirmation.

“Please stop asking questions,” she was miserable. With her anticipation and desires!!

“You can still stop me anytime, okay?”

She just managed to nod. And he busied himself with her body. She soon found herself responding to his actions. She ran her fingers through his hair, gently at first, then urgently. She ran them over his back, spine and chest. She had never touched Rohan, except when he forced her hands on himself and… Stop thinking about him, Rupali. Don’t spoil this. She threw away those thoughts. And she did not realize when he had taken her back to the bed. She remembered him hissing in her ears once, “You will need a pill after this. But once is okay.” Will he stop thinking!

And finally he entered her. It was strange at first, but he was gradual, slow and gentle. Soon, she had settled in the rhythm and started enjoying the ride. She was thankful that Rohan had spared her this. Else, she would have had horrible memories associated with it. She didn’t. She could enjoy it.
Their union!

Paritosh suddenly turned towards her, as they lay spent on the bed, basking in the after-effects of their love-making. “Marry me, Rupali,” he said suddenly.

She was taken by surprise. But she managed to come back, “You are wicked, Dr. Khanna. You ask me, when I am at my vulnerable best.”

His face twitched, “I… I am sorry. I didn’t…”

She chuckled and shook her head, “I am joking.”

“You can tell me later,” he was still serious.

“Dr. Khanna,” she spoke somberly and sat up slightly, pulling the bed-cover over her naked body, “You are way too sweet. To ask me. I had presumed it. I thought you had too. If you hadn’t, you can now.”

She hadn’t seen a bigger grin on his face earlier. He also sat up and planted a soft kiss on her forehead. “Thank you,” he said.

“Seriously?” Rupali raised her eyebrows dramatically, “Thank you?”

They laughed slightly and hugged.

“This has given peace of mind not just to me, Rupali. But when we announce it, it would give peace to all the people who feel guilty for either of us. Chand, Moitras.”

“Ah! I have been fooled. It is for their love that you want to marry me, not mine,” Rupali joked.

“Shut up,” Paritosh replied playfully.

“Or else?”

“I will shut you up,” he said and to demonstrate kissed her on her lips long and hard.

“Let’s catch up on some sleep,” he said after breaking the kiss, “Night duty.”

“As you say, wise man!” Rupali teased him and they lied down in each other’s arms.

– The End –

Destined (Part 29)

Posted Mish3 CommentsPosted in English, Inspired, Rupali-Paritosh

“So, tell me Rupali. What do you feel is not right with you?” Dr. Mathew asked after their session restarted. Paritosh had briefed him and he didn’t insist on hearing it from Rupali.

“Nothing is right with me.” her voice was weak and her eyes downcast, “And I can’t stop feeling that way.”

“Nobody can blame you for feeling that way, Rupali. You have been through more than most people can imagine in their worst nightmares. Losing your parents, years of abuse, two near-deaths experiences…”

And the tears that she did not want flowing before a stranger started coming out of her eyes. Dr. Mathew discreetly pushed a box of tissue paper towards her and she helped herself to it.

“What kept you going all those years?” He asked.

“I wanted to be a doctor. Mummy wanted me to…”

“And you are a doctor now. Which college did you go to?”

“AIIMS.”

“Wow! Amongst top 30 in the entrance examination, then? What was you rank?”

“8th.”

“Top 10! Everything was not wrong with life, was it?”

Rupali wiped her tears with her hands this time. With the back of her hands, Paritosh could not help noticing. Then she shook her head.

“And you graduated with flying colors, I believe. To have landed with this internship offer.”

She nodded.

“You have gone through what most people won’t imagine even in their worst nightmares. And yet you have achieved what most people won’t imagine even in their best dreams. Am I right?”

For the first time during the session, she looked up. She looked sideways at Paritosh and then back at Dr. Mathew. Then she nodded her head.

“Tell me, how do you feel? On your average day?”

“Sometimes, I am fine. Even happy,” she replied. She was finally relaxing and opening up, “And yet at other times, I feel hopeless. Most of the time actually…”

“And since when have you been feeling like this?”

“Since forever, it feels…” her voice drowned. Then she continued, “But it has been worse after coming back to Kolkata.”

“You felt trapped, day in and day out.”

“Yes,” her voice was barely audible. She seemed to be reliving the troubles of last few months.

“Tell me about it.”

“Rohan wasn’t around me for such long periods earlier. I used to try and forget about the days when he was… But after coming back… It became impossible.”

“You don’t have any close friends?”

“I didn’t,” she said and then hesitated for a moment before continuing, “Now I do.” Despite the clinical environment, she blushed and downcast her eyes.

Paritosh smiled slightly and pressed her hand.

“Who?”

Rupali looked at him startled. Why would he ask? Wasn’t it obvious?

Dr. Mathew seemed to have read her thoughts, “Speak it out. It will feel good.”

“Dr. Khanna,” she gulped and barely managed to speak.

“So, even today, everything is not wrong with life, is it?” he smiled.

“It shouldn’t feel that way. But it still does… I am sorry,” she suddenly turned to Paritosh.

“I understand,” Paritosh assured her hastily.

“He does, Rupali,” Dr. Mathew concurred, “And its not your fault. You are suffering from depression.”

“How do I get out of it?”

“Just like you recover from any other illness. Good news is that your depression is only mild to moderate. And not severe. In severe depression, people find it impossible to function. You are highly functional. In fact, an achiever. You manage fine at work, right?”

She nodded. “Manages rather well.” Paritosh said, “Even after sleepless nights, she has never been found to make a mistake.”

“That’s great. And insomnia is also most likely due to depression.”

“What is the treatment, then?”

“There are two ways. And they can be used in combination. Which is what I will recommend for you. For mild depression, usually therapy is good enough. But you have suffered for too long, and there are chances of it getting to moderate levels. So, we’d also supplement it with medicines.”

“Medicines?” Rupali sounded unsure.

“Don’t worry. We now have medicines that don’t have any side effects. We can always adjust the dosage or even change the prescription, if you see any problems. It will aid your recovery. It is not like you are going to become dependent on drugs. You are a doctor yourself. You would have studied some of it. If you want, you can read up more and assure yourself.”

She looked at Paritosh and on his assuring blink nodded to Dr. Mathew.

“I am going to write it down here. My assistant will give you the schedule and appointments for therapy sessions. Some can be attended alone, others are recommended to be attended by close family, friends or significant others. Okay?”

She nodded again.

“Is there anything else in particular you are worried about?”

Rupali made to say something, and then stopped. How would she talk about it? She could live with her depression all her life. What she did not want was Paritosh to live with her depression all his life. She wanted a normal life with him. And that would mean…

“Yes?”

Rupali gulped and looked around everywhere except at Paritosh and Dr. Mathew.

“Rupali,” Paritosh said, “I think it would help if I stepped out.”

“But…” she was afraid that he might have been offended.

“It’s okay. You are safe here.” He wasn’t offended! He was too busy looking out for her comfort.

She nodded and he left, “I am right outside. In the lobby.”

“Yes, Rupali. Tell me. It’s absolutely confidential, non-judgmental and safe.”

“I… I am afraid of never having a normal…” she hesitated and them used the euphemism, “married life.”

“You mean sexual life?” he came to the point.

She gulped and nodded.

“You don’t like the idea of having sex with anyone?”

“I go frigid.”

“It’s a difficult situation. You need a patient partner.”

“I couldn’t have a more patient one.”

“Sometimes even we doctors have to say it Rupali. But let’s keep our fingers crossed. God willing, you will be all right and perfectly healthy.”

“Thank you, Doctor.”

“All the best!”

—

Paritosh was pacing anxiously in the lobby, when Rupali came out. He stopped as soon as he spotted her and waited for her to come up to him.

“Are you all right?” he asked gently.

She nodded with a slight smile. They met Dr. Mathew’s assistant and took the appointment and medicine prescriptions.

“Was it exhausting?” Paritosh asked after they had stepped out of the clinic.

“It was. But it is for good, I guess?”

“Yes. But I just want to tell you Rupali that you should not feel pressurized…”

“I am under pressure Dr. Khanna. But not from you. From myself. From my own wishes.”

He sighed, “And since you have set your mind to it, I am sure you will be able to do it.”

“Hope so.”

“So, what do you want to do now?” They were not on duty that day.

“I want you to finish your painting. And… I don’t mind posing, if it helps.”

Paritosh felt happy. “Sure,” he said brightly and they drove off.

—

To be continued

Destined (Part 28)

Posted Mish2 CommentsPosted in English, Inspired, Rupali-Paritosh

“How far has your painting come?” she asked him after it was decided that he was staying back.

“What painting?” he was taken by surprise.

“Your latest one…” she realized that he didn’t know she had seen her painting. Was she trespassing?

“When did you see it?”

“The night we came back from Darjeeling,” she was regretting bringing this up now.

But he smiled to her relief. “You won’t let me have any secrets, will you?”

She shrugged and smiled.

She chuckled when she saw the painting, “Where are my ears?” The painting had her hair in a high ponytail, but her ears were missing.

“You usually keep your hair open. I had seen you in this hairstyle only once. I couldn’t remember what your ears looked like. So… It’s incomplete.”

He didn’t mean it, but that sounded like an allusion to their relationship. It wasn’t complete. Something was missing. Just like the ears were missing from the painting. She gulped. Then her hands went to her right ear and tucked her hair behind her ear. She repeated it with the left ear. To let him see what her ears looked like.

There was something very sensual about this gesture and Paritosh stared at her for a while. Then as if in a trance, he closed on her and caressed her right cheek with his hand. His hand, then, moved to her right ear and rubbed it slightly. Rupali closed her eyes and let out a deep breath. And Paritosh came out of his trance.

He stepped back startled and even before Rupali had opened her eyes, retreated out of the room. “Dr. Khanna!” she mumbled looking around confused and then rushed out of the room.

—

He was in his room. He stood facing away from the door, as she entered soundlessly. He hadn’t changed for the hospital before breakfast. So, he was still in his white cotton Kurta-Paijama. Rupali’s heart skipped a beat, as she approached the kurta-clad figure with broad shoulders and straight posture.

“Dr. Khanna!”

“Eh?” he was startled as he turned back, “Yes. I am sorry…”

“I wanted to talk to you.”

“Sure. Tell me,” his voice betrayed his nervousness, although his words were normal.

“I want to see Dr. Mathew.”

“Why?” To Rupali’s surprise he looked alarmed, instead of happy.

“Why? You always wanted me to…”

“But you never accepted. Why now?”

She downcast her eyes, “I want to get better, Dr. Khanna.”

He closed his eyes as if in pain, “I have pressurized you, haven’t I?” Rupali looked at him in surprise. He continued, “Since yesterday… Bit by bit… I have broken my promise to you. But you are not under my debt Rupali. You are not obliged to tolerate it. I had kept you in my life with a promise… That I’d never…” he took a deep breath trying to gather courage for his next words, “I’d never touch you. And yet I have…”

“Dr. Khanna please!”

“Go away, Rupali. You don’t have to stay. I have broken my promise.”

Rupali got tears in her eyes, “And didn’t it occur to you that I stayed not just because you had promised me something like that, but also because I wanted to?”

He looked at her quizzically.

“I want a normal relationship Dr. Khanna. It has nothing to do with what you are calling ‘pressurizing me’. It’s just my wish… I want to get better…”

“You are telling me the truth?”

“Of course, I am. What has come upon you? Didn’t you always want me to get better? I didn’t heed you all these days, because… Among other things I didn’t have the courage to go there alone. It was… It still is a scary thought. And I had asked you to stay back today, because I wanted to talk… I wanted to ask you if you would come with me…” she choked on her words.

Paritosh looked at her emotionally. He also had to clear his throat before replying, “If you are still asking me… Yes. Yes, I’d come.”

She knew he wouldn’t hug her. So, she went forward to took the initiative herself. He almost crushed her while hugging her back, but she wasn’t threatened. She felt safe, and loved and cared for.

—

“Please come in. Dr. Rupali Banerjee, right?” Dr. Mathew’s disposition was cheerful and friendly, but he was surprised as he saw who entered the room with her, “Paritosh?”

“Hi John,” Paritosh smiled at him, “I know this is unusual. But Rupali was a little nervous about seeing you and asked me to…”

For the first time Rupali realized that it was awkward for Paritosh. And he knew it all along. But he hadn’t hesitated even for a moment, when she had asked him to come with her.

“Please sit down,” Dr. John Mathew was back in his element, “So, Rupali. How are you today?”

She gave him a nervous, half smile. What kind of question was that? How would one be on any given day to have to come to a psychiatrist.

“There is nothing to be nervous about, Rupali,” Dr. Mathew said somberly when she did not say anything, “Anything we talk about here, remains in this room. It won’t ever go out. You are doctor. You know that, right?”

“Yes,” her voice barely came out.

“So, tell me. What worries you?”

Dr. Mathew was as friendly and assuring as anyone could be. So, Rupali could not blame him when she found her hands and fee going cold. What was she to tell him? How? Had it all been a mistake?

Silence hung in the air uncomfortably for a few moments.

“You need to talk, Rupali.”

Silence.

Paritosh noticed her stiffening body and was compelled to speak, “Rupali. Would it help if I left. It might be…”

“No!” her alarmed reaction was immediate. And she clutched his hands instinctively. To stop him from leaving.

That’s when Paritosh realized that her hands had gone ice-cold.

“Oh God!” he exclaimed and took both her hands in his and rubbed against them to give her some warmth. “What’s the matter, Rupali? What are you so afraid of? Her hands are dead cold, John.”

Dr. Mathew looked thoughtful. He asked Paritosh, “Can I speak to you for a minute?”

Paritosh nodded and then turned to Rupali to ask her to let him go for a while. But she did not loosen her grip on his hands.

“I will give you sometime,” Dr. Mathew said and after Paritosh’ nod left the room.

“I am not going anywhere,” Paritosh spoke to Rupali in low, assuring voice after Dr. Mathew left, “What has happened to you? You have survived everything Rupali. Talking about it can not be worse than living it. What makes you so nervous?”

“This is my last chance,” she finally spoke.

“What are you talking about?”

“My last chance to get better. If this fails, I do not know what I’d do.”

Paritosh sighed. Whether or not she accepted it, she was feeling pressurized.

“May be,” he said after thinking it through, “May be this is your last chance at getting better. But with me, Rupali, you are left with no chance at all. It does not matter if you get better or not, it does not matter if you become worse, even if you become mad and lose your mind, I’m not giving you a chance to run away from me.”

She was overwhelmed, but she did not cry. She leaned on him and rested her head on his chest, “It was a bad idea, Dr. Khanna. I don’t have the strength to talk about my life. Yet again. To yet another person. Let’s go back.”

“That’s fine, Rupali,” he patted her head, “There is no pressure, you know that, right?”

“I really wanted to…” she was torn between her hopes and her fears.

Paritosh pushed her back and took a good look at her face.

“I’m being unreasonable, am I not?” Rupali became conscious.

“What’s wrong in being unreasonable once in a while? Let me talk to John. If he agrees, I will tell him everything. Then you won’t have to narrate it all. Okay? From then on he’d be able to ask you questions and continue with his diagnosis and treatment. Is that fine?”

He always had a solution for her. She looked amazed. Then nodded slowly. “Will he agree?” she asked feeling uncertain.

“I don’t know. Let me try.”

“Okay.”

—

To be continued

Destined (Part 27)

Posted Mish5 CommentsPosted in English, Inspired, Rupali-Paritosh

“Why the hell did you run into the rain?” Partiosh was not assuaged yet.

Rupali was sneezing by the time she managed to change her clothes and come out to the hall of her house.

“The kids weren’t getting back. They would have fallen ill.”

“Kids can be quite immune. It is you who has fallen ill. Where is the thermometer?”

“Thermometer?”

“You are sneezing like crazy. I want to make sure you are not running a temperature.”

“I don’t have a thermometer. And I am fine.”

“You don’t have a thermometer at home, Dr. Rupali Banerjee?” Paritosh was annoyed as his emphasis on “Dr.” showed.

“Please Dr. Khanna,” Rupali felt miserable seeing his foul mood continue.

“Let me check…” he made to touch her forehead and then hesitated, “Can I?”

She nodded looking embarrassed.

“You are running a temperature, Rupali.”

“I am sorry. I really am. Now please, don’t ruin your mood like that. I will take a paracetamol and sleep it off. I will be fine by the morning.”

Paritosh took a deep breath and tried to calm himself down.

“I am sorry,” he said softly, “I got worried. But you need to eat something, have a cup of hot tea, and then take rest. Radha is not here yet. Can you call her?”

“Okay,” she said and made the call.

“Lie down in your bedroom. I will make you some tea in the meanwhile.”

“I will go later. And Radha will make tea. You don’t need to…”

“Don’t annoy me again. Let me take you to your room.”

Rupali had no option, but to go with him.

—

He pulled a chair close to her bed as she sipped her tea. “So, this is why you used to get sick in your childhood? Running around in rain?” he asked with a smile.

“I was cold intolerant.”

“You still are.”

“I didn’t realize.”

“How come?”

“Just didn’t…” she replied and averted her eyes. But she could not hide her tears from him.

“Hey! What happened? Rupali?”

“Nothing. Nothing really…” she kept the tea away and wiped her tears with the back of her hands. It was adorably cute how she wiped her tears like a little girl. But right now, she was very disturbed.

“Talk to me, please Rupali.”

“I miss my parents…”

“Of course, you do. How can you not miss them? But why these tears, all of a sudden? Did my scolding hurt you?”

She shook her head, “It reminded me of them. I used to be careless. I knew I was intolerant to cold and water. Still, I would go out in the rain, go around without warm clothes in winters… Because… Because I knew they would be there to nurse me. And I never thought that it would be a trouble to them. You don’t think anything you do could be a trouble to your parents. And then they were gone… Just like that… I could no longer take anybody for granted after that. I was cautious. I didn’t want to fall ill. I didn’t want to be more of a burden than I already was. I became so careful, I almost never fell ill. So, I had started thinking that I was immune now. I wasn’t… I just didn’t believe anyone was there to nurse me, if I fell ill…”

“Now you do, right?” Paritosh’ eyes had moistened. He knew what she was saying. Not being able to take anybody for granted. But in his case, he had never known his parents. He hadn’t known any other way of life in his childhood except for other people taking care of him. It wasn’t a great feeling, but it didn’t create the dissonance it had created for her. She had been old enough to always remember the change that had come in her life. And she had been young enough to still need her parents a lot. “Now you do have someone to take care of you,” he repeated, “You know that, don’t you?”

He really wanted to gather her in his arms and give her a tight hug. But more than her feeling offended, he wasn’t sure of what effect her physical proximity will have on him. So, he hesitated. But Rupali was overwhelmed. She suddenly leaned on him and then hugged him. There was no question of not hugging her back. He did. And he patted her to comfort her. She sobbed. She was like a lost, crying child, looking frantically for her missing parents. Oh Rupali! Could nobody heal her pain? At that moment, what he felt for her was almost paternal care.

“Calm down, Rupali,” he said after a while. If she cried so much, her fever would get worse, “Everything is all right. You are not alone. You are not a burden on anyone. Come on, now.”

She withdrew slowly. “I’m sorry,” she mumbled and again wiped her tears with the back of her hand.

“Sorry for what?”

“My breakdown. I got carried away.”

“Don’t be an idiot. I think that’s Radha,” the call bell rang just then, “I will get the door. I am going to tell her what to cook. And you must eat whatever she brings. Okay?” He was back in parenting mode.

She gave a small smile and nodded.

Paritosh was tempted to stay with her for the night. To make sure that her fever did not get worse. But he didn’t. There was an unspoken contract. A bit of it was already broken that day. He couldn’t risk more.

—

He was surprised to see her at the breakfast table the next morning.

“What the hell are you doing here?” he was alarmed.

“Waiting for you on the breakfast table,” she replied cheerfully.

“You should be taking rest.”

“I am fine. I really am. You have a thermometer here? You can check?”

He just went to her and touched her forehead. It seemed fine. He sighed in relief.

“You will be the death of me, Rupali, if you behave like that.”

“Sorry. I was just… I wanted to see you,” she replied with an embarrassed shrug.

The overwhelmed lover could no longer hide behind the strict guardian now. He smiled warmly and replied in a low, throaty voice, “Me too.”

That restored her cheerful mood.

“Can I ask you for something?” she asked sheepishly as they were having breakfast.

“As long as you don’t evict me from this house,” he joked and chuckled.

“I am serious, Dr. Khanna. Please.”

He also became serious and said affectionately, “You don’t need permission to ask me for something. Just shoot. Whatever is mine is yours. You don’t even need to ask me…”

“Can you take a day off today?” she said hurriedly as if she had to say it out quickly. If she slowed down, she won’t be able to speak at all.

“What happened?” her request worried him, “Is there a problem?”

“No. No,” she assured him hastily, “I have a day off today. I… I wanted to spend some time with you… Talk to you…”

His frown disappeared and he smiled fondly, “Let me check if there is anything urgent. If not, I am all yours Dr. Banerjee.”

She grinned.

—

To be continued

Destined (Part 26)

Posted Mish9 CommentsPosted in English, Inspired, Rupali-Paritosh

Rupali bore Radha’s anxious inquiries after her well-being gracefully. She didn’t know who had informed her. Paritosh or Moitras. She hadn’t remembered to.

“Poor you,” she patted Rupali’s head, “And his unfortunate parents. Why has the boy turned out like that? But there always were signs…”

“Radha. Please,” she pleaded, “There is no point talking about it.”

“Of course. I am sorry. You must be tired. Shall I get you dinner?”

“I had it at Dr. Khanna’s place. I will just take a bath and sleep.”

“I will get the hot water.”

By now she was so exhausted that all her confusions and anxiety could not keep her awake. She fell asleep immediately after hitting the bed.

She woke up at five in the morning. It was slow and natural awakening. Not like the nightmare-induced ones she often had in past. She had been asleep by 8.30 last evening. She felt energized and fresh. She got down from the bed and opened one of the large, colonial windows of her house. The hot, humidity of Kolkata weather had not yet dawned. The air was cool and she could feel it on her face. Then she thought about Paritosh. About their conversation last night. If someone had ever received unconditional love in this world, she had. The last night was an undeniable proof. Accepting what he had offered might be selfish on her part. But he wanted it too. And if it wasn’t right for future, she could still take the risk for the present. She was a fighter, wasn’t she? She had survived the death of her parents, the atrocities of Rohan… Couldn’t she survive and make the best out of love? Couldn’t she try to make it right for the future as well? Why be afraid? What was there to be afraid now? And she smiled. A smile free of any pain behind it!

—

Paritosh was about to start his breakfast, when Rupali walked in.

“Hi,” he greeted her anxiously.

“Good morning, Dr. Khanna. I thought I could have breakfast here.”

“Sure,” he beamed, “Sit down. There are cereals. Do you want some eggs?”

“I will ask the housekeeper to make some half-fry. Do you want some too?”

“No. I will skip eggs. Thanks.”

“I love half-fry. But for some reason Radha doesn’t make them very well,” Rupali said after she had been served eggs, “She didn’t used to cook much at Kaku’s place. There was another cook.”

“How are these?”

“Very nice. Just the way I like them.”

“Great.”

“You aren’t talking at all,” she complained sweetly after a while.

“For a change, I am enjoying you talking.”

She blushed and smiled.

—

It had been a month since their heart-to-heart. Rupali was happy like never before and Paritosh indulged her like he had done no one before. They would have most of their meals outside the hospital together. Either at his house or in a restaurant. It came to a point that Radha had nothing to do at home during day time. It was, therefore, decided that she would stay at Rupali’s place only at night. She would go back to Moitras’ house during the day. “It will ensure that she doesn’t have to stay alone all day, Kakima. I am away on duty and the poor woman is all alone in this house,” she had explained. Damyanti and Sabyasachi had not objected, inwardly happy that she was getting closer to Dr. Khanna.

Rupali and Paritosh were following an unspoken convention though. She wouldn’t stay at his place at night. He used to drop her himself. When that was not possible, an household staff would drop her in the other car.

Paritosh had stayed true to his promise of not touching her. Quite literally. And it didn’t seem to make him feel wretched. The one who did feel wretched was Rupali. Her body’s limitations did not make her immune to emotional needs. She wanted him. And she couldn’t have him. Because of herself. Whenever her train of thoughts went down in this direction, she would suddenly be roused by Paritosh’ earlier reaction to “her feeling damaged”. He had declared loud and clear that he did not like or believe that. She could not go the route of self-pity. But what they had was inadequate. Partiosh might be happy with that. But she wanted more. Couldn’t she heal herself? Just enough to be with him. How should she do it? And how should she tell him?

—

They decided to stay a while longer at the orphanage. They would spend some more time with kids. They took a break after the kids got busy playing with each other in the playground. Despite the pressure to accommodate more children, the orphanage had not given up on its decently sized playground, Paritosh informed Rupali. “And thank God for that. Children need open spaces, playground, fresh air and exercise,” he added.

“The living quarters are over-crowded, though. Children adopt to a lot of things. But they deserve some more space.”

“This is probably one of the best financed places. Still, it is not enough. We have a huge population, Dr. Banerjee,” Paritosh smiled at Rupali sadly.

“Yep. And so if there are more needy people, there should be more helpers in the country too.”

“How do you draw more of them out?”

“I have read about fund-raising efforts of non-profits in other countries. US, for example. It isn’t done on an ad-hoc basis there. Hoping for some rich people to take fancy to you. There are professional, well-planned fund-raising efforts. There are professionals who specialize in such efforts. I’m sure we could use some ideas from there.”

“You really want to do something, don’t you?” Paritosh smiled appreciatively.

“Yes,” her voice was suddenly low and embarrassed, “I hadn’t been in their rooms until recently. And when I did, I almost felt guilty about all the space I have to myself. Now, I am not someone who can donate in lacs and crores, but if hundred people like me could donate even 1000 Rs. each per month, that’d be an extra income of 1 lac a month for the place. Could take care of some basic needs for many children. Thousand people like me would make in 10 lacs a month. Many people spend more than that on donating to temples. And if even a small portion of temple-donations by really rich people could be tapped for this, we could definitely acquire more land and secure more living space for them.”

“If you want to do something, and have a plan, I am in it.”

“Really?”

“We have the same motivations, Rupali.”

Rupali gave a hesitant shy smile. They held each other’s gaze for a moment. And Paritosh felt a current that was ‘dangerous’ in his assessment. He was unaware that Rupali had felt the same.

Their moment was disturbed by a sudden downpour. “Oh God! All of a sudden. The kids will fall ill,” Rupali was flustered, especially when she saw that a large number of kids were enjoying the rain instead of running for shelter. “I will get them back,” she said and ran out to the ground.

“Wait Rupali. The staff would be here any moment. You will get wet.”

“I will be fine. You stay here and make sure they don’t run back into the rain.”

The staff usually responsible for overseeing the children during their play time was taking a break because Rupali and Paritosh were there. They came running when they saw the downpour and relieved Rupali. But she was already wet by then.

“You are mad, Rupali,” Paritosh admonished her, “As bad as the kids. What if you fall ill? You don’t even have a change of clothes here. Come now. We have to hurry back.” And after weeks, he touched her, holding her arms to drag her away. She stumbled in surprise and he had to hold her with his other hand too. And he saw her wet face, clattering teeth, trembling lips, her open hair drenched and tangled up! This was the stuff seduction and desire were made of. Paritosh could not look away from her. His hold on her hands tightened until it hurt her and made her come out of her own trance. She winced, very slightly, but enough to jolt Paritosh out. His hard gulp was visible and audible as he let her go, stepped back and looked at the gate of the orphanage building. “Let’s go,” he mumbled and walked off, Rupali following him in a still dazed state.

—

To be continued