Mish' Fiction

His phone rang as soon as he pressed the doorbell. By the time he saw that the call was form Rupali, she was at the door, opening it for him. They smiled nervously on realizing that they had the same agenda.

“My… meetings got cancelled…” he told another obvious lie to explain the earlier one. She accepted it gracefully. “Do you want to go out for a while? Get some fresh air. And probably some coffee?”

“Yeah. Sure.”

—

“How are you doing, Rupali?” Paritosh asked after their coffee had arrived.

“I am fine,” Rupali said as a matter of habit. But then she looked into his eyes and her own filled with tears, “I am not fine. I am scared. I’m very scared. I don’t know what is going to happen. I’m so used to her. I can’t take a single decision of my life on my own. I came back from the US only so that she would be there to help me. And now… I am at a loss. I don’t know what to do or say…”

She broke down and buried her head in her hands on the table. Thankfully he had picked a secluded corner in the coffee shop and it was relatively empty at that point of time; so there weren’t any prying eyes around. He pulled his chair closer and patted her head.

“Rupali. Please don’t cry like this. Look at me, please. Please Rupali.” His pleadings worked and she looked up, though still teary eyed. He held and pressed her hands, as he spoke further, “Do you trust me? Forget about all the awkwardness that had been there between us recently and tell me honestly. Do you trust me?”

Rupali nodded.

“Then you must listen very carefully to what I say. Okay?”

She nodded again, though hesitantly.

“Don’t worry about yourself. I have seen you work. You can be responsible and mature. You already are. Your mother has been your support all your life and I can’t deny that life without her would be difficult to cope with. But you will be able to manage it. And I am there with you. I have promised this to your mother and I promise to you as well. It doesn’t matter what happens, I will always be there with you. I can’t make up for your mother’s loss, when it inevitably comes. But if you need any help, any support, I will try my best to steer you in the right direction. You don’t have to worry about yourself.”

“Thank you.”

“And now something else. Your mother is more worried about you than you are.”

“She has talked to you already about all this?”

“Yes. She has. She knows how you feel and she is really worried. In her condition, this stress will not do her any good. You must think of her, do you understand?”

“Yes. I was being too selfish.”

“Don’t worry about that. Parents are the only people with whom we can be absolutely selfish. But there comes a time when they need us more than we need them. That time has come for you now. I am sorry that it came too early for you. But you must support her. You must become strong for her sake and convince her that you will be fine even after her. That is the only way to ensure that she lives the rest of her life happily. You would do that, won’t you Rupali?”

“You think about everyone. Just like Mom. And I get stuck only on my own problems.”

“Don’t be so harsh on yourself. You aren’t having it easy. That you are holding up is commendable.”

—

“Love is a strange thing, Paritosh,” Mouli spoke suddenly, while Paritosh was visiting her one evening. Rupali was not there. She had gone out for grocery shopping.

“Sorry?” he was taken aback by such a subject being introduced so abruptly.

“I said love is a strange thing. It makes you push boundaries and do crazy things like no other feeling or ambition can.”

“Why are you suddenly philosophizing about love?” Paritosh asked jokingly, but the laughter accompanying it was nervous.

“I don’t know. May be because today I am missing Purushottam too much,” Mouli said and then thinking that Paritosh may not know him by name, added an explanation, “Rupali’s father.”

“I know. I am sorry. Is it something special today?”

“I was suddenly reminded that this was the day when I had joined his company all those years back, as his interpreter.”

“Interpreter? Which language?”

“Sign language.”

“Sign language?”

“He couldn’t speak.”

“Oh!”

“I had just finished my graduation. He had been inducted into his family business few months back. But to communicate with staff and others, he needed someone to interpret his sign language to them. I had learned sign language out of sheer curiosity.  One of my neighbors used to teach it. So, I had taken free classes from him.”

“That was nice.”

“I was idling around after my graduation, when I noticed this ad in a newspaper. I walked in for an interview. He himself took the interview. I fumbled with some hardcore business vocabulary. He laughed seeing me go red with embarrassment, but gave me the job anyway. On my first day in the office, he gave me a list of business words to remember. It ran into four pages. He was that organized!”

“And then?” Paritosh was drawn into the story by then.

“And then we just clicked. I became very good at interpreting what he said in the sign language. Three months later, he was to speak at the Annual General Meeting of the company. He hadn’t pre-written his speech. So, I also had to interpret it on the go. But I could do it almost instantly. It was as if I knew what he was going to say. Like there was a connection.”

“There, after all, was a connection, wasn’t there?” Paritosh smiled.

“Yes.”

“So much that you never thought of marrying again?”

“I couldn’t. I had a fulfilling married life for eleven years and four years of wonderful friendship and love before that. And then I had Rupali. I couldn’t have left those years behind me.”

Paritosh nodded, “She is lucky to have you as her mother. You make a rather cool Mom.” He laughed slightly as he said “cool Mom” and Mouli joined him.

“Unlike me, though, she isn’t lucky in love,” Mouli said startling Paritosh once again. He averted his eyes. He would have wanted to change the topic, but did not know how to do that without appearing defensive for himself, or insulting to her.

“May be sometimes love is not meant to be. It is misdirected, even inappropriate.” he mumbled.

“Love is never misdirected. Society, and our social conditioning, is misdirected. It makes us think of love in the same terms as buying a refrigerator or something. You look at the features and the price and make trade-offs. But love doesn’t happen with features, Paritosh. It doesn’t look at the price. It just happens. My parents thought I wouldn’t survive a marriage with a–” she had difficulty using the word, but she finally did, “dumb man even for a year. They thought I was marrying for money. But see – I could not get out of that marriage even after he was dead. Things that the society makes you think matter, don’t matter. Money, status, age, community, religion, even disability – none of it matters. When two people connect, and make each other happy, everything else pales in comparison, becomes unimportant. Even if there are other barriers, love can conquer it all.”

Mouli suddenly felt tired and leaned back on her bed. “Think about it, Paritosh. Think about your life,” she mumbled and closed her eyes.

Paritosh stared at her. What was she trying to tell him? Rupali came back just then. Seeing Paritosh’ somber expressions and her mother lying down on the bed, she panicked. “What happened? Mom? Are you okay?”

“She is fine, Rupali. Just a little tired. Let her sleep. I need to leave now.”

“I was going to make some coffee.”

“Some other time. Right now I must leave,” Paritosh said and walked out of the room. He had some soul searching to do, before he faced Rupali again. Rupali was left confused, but her attention soon shifted to her sleeping mother. She sat beside her on the bed and gently caressed her forehead.

—

To be continued

“Rupa. You came back early? Everything all right?” Mouli asked that evening.

“Yes Mom. I took my classes and finished my meetings. Didn’t feel like working after that.”

“You don’t look well. Is Paritosh angry with you?” Mouli sat down beside her daughter on the sofa.

The question caught Rupali unawares. She shook her head, but her eyes filled with tears. She leaned on her mother’s shoulders and started crying.

“On my God!” Mouli mumbled as she patted her daughter’s head, “My poor girl. What is eating you up, child? You can tell me. I am not so weak yet that I can’t share my daughter’s problems. Tell me sweetie.”

“Mom. I do it wrong every time. I just do it wrong every time.”

“What has happened? Has Paritosh said something? Is he angry about yesterday?”

“No, Mom.  He didn’t say anything. I wish he had. He is too good, Mom. And that’s my undoing.”

“Rupa!”

“It’s wrong, isn’t it? Mom. I am in love with him. I am sorry, Mom. I am sorry for putting you through this.”

Mouli was surprised by the revelation. She kept involving Paritosh in their lives, to ensure that Rupali had a friend and a mentor. She had suspected that Paritosh might have a soft corner for her. Nothing else could explain how willing he was to take up the responsibilities Mouli was throwing at him. But she had never realized what was really going on with her daughter. What was more shocking, however, was how Rupali was reacting to it. Why was she so miserable?

“Why wrong, Rupa? I am surprised, pardon me for that, but why are you feeling so guilty? He is a nice, caring man.”

“I don’t know Mom. But he is so much older to me.”

“That–” she started explaining something and the smiled, “Why did you not talk to me, you stupid girl? Tell me something. You don’t remember much of your father, do you?”

Rupali looked up at her mother through tears, quite surprised. Why was she talking about her father now? She shook her head confirming that she didn’t remember much.

“You probably don’t remember, or don’t know, that he couldn’t speak.”

“What?”

“Yes. It was an accident in his childhood. He had lost his ability to speak after that. And everybody thought I was a gold-digger for marrying him.  But when you are in love, the rest of the world doesn’t matter, Rupa. It is only the bond between the two people that does matter. What they feel, what they want.”

Rupali smiled sadly, “Yes. You need two people to feel the same way.”

“You spoke to Paritosh?”

“Leave it, Mom. I don’t want to talk about it any longer. I am going to my room to sleep for a while. Do you need something?”

“No,” Mouli said. Her own thoughts were now eager to go elsewhere and she could use some time alone.

—

“Hi Paritosh. What a surprise to see you at this time. Rupali is at the college.”

“Yeah. I know.  I was free; so I thought I would drop by. How are you?”

Paritosh had been anxious since his last meeting with Rupali. He had promised Mouli that Rupali’s problem would be sorted out. But she had left feeling guilty after their conversation. That couldn’t possibly have solved her problem. And he didn’t know what would be the right way of talking to her again. She had also avoided him. Lost and confused, he had come to Mouli, although he had no clue how much she knew and what he expected from her.

“That was really nice of you. Come in.”

“How is Rupali doing?”

“She was guilty about that night. I think she won’t repeat it.”

“She needn’t feel guilty. Not repeating it would be good though,” he attempted to make light of the situation.

“Thank you for helping her, Paritosh. You have been a true friend.”

“You are making a big deal out of it.”

“Not really. You know what is really funny though? As a student she used to think that you hated her. Seeing you now, caring so much for her, I can’t believe that. She must be mistaken.”

“I hated her?” Paritosh was already too confused and uneasy. This was adding yet another dimension to his already complicated relationship with Rupali.

“Apparently you would never let her in the class, if she was late, although you did not bother with others. You gave her a hard time with the assignment deadlines, would not let her speak in the class etc. etc.”

Paritosh frowned as if trying to remember the time.

“She worked extra-hard in your courses trying to impress you, although she would never have accepted it. And yet, she did not quite get what she wanted.”

“That’s… that’s strange…”

“Yeah. I am sure she was mistaken.”

“Yes. She was… She definitely was,” his voice trailed away.

He ran into Rupali on his way out. They looked at each other awkwardly for a few moments; neither of them was prepared to face the other yet. Paritosh found his bearings first.

“Hi Rupali. You came back early.”

“Yeah. I didn’t feel like working.” She was being truthful and this had been the case for a while now.

“Okay. No problem. It’s good to take a break once in a while,” he tried to smile.

“You are leaving?”

“Yeah… yeah… I had to… meet… some people…” He didn’t. And his lie showed through. But Rupali pretended to believe him.

“Okay then. Have a good day.”

“You too. Bye.”

—

As Rupali entered her house, she could no longer disregard the fact that she was terrified. Since she had returned to India, she had let herself be a little girl again, feeling protected by her mother. But that protection was going to go away. She’d have to be on her own once again. And this time Mom won’t be there even at the other end of the phone or a 24-hour long flight. What would she do? How will she manage? How will she take any decisions in her life? Talking to Sunidhi was a way of unwinding. But it didn’t help her make decisions. Sunidhi was always so sure of what she wanted, and how she would get it. Rupali was not like that. And she had managed to complicate it all with Paritosh, the one person she could have talked to. What was her fault? Even Mom didn’t think there was anything wrong with it. But he did. And if he did, she couldn’t possibly force herself on him. But could she amend the relationship? At least the camaraderie they had come to share could be salvaged.

Paritosh sat in his car, but did not drive away immediately. He was weighed down by his confusions. What was he to do about Rupali? Her mother expected him to support her. He would be happy to do that. Nothing would give him more pleasure and satisfaction than being there for her. But when he had agreed to do that, he hadn’t foreseen this complication coming up in their relationship. What should he tell her? How should he bring it all back to normal? He didn’t want to lose her friendship. She was like a breath of fresh air in his otherwise stale, suffocated life. He wanted her around, he liked to hear her talk, he liked helping and advising her. All of this gave a meaning to his life like something had never done before. But giving in to his heart’s deepest desire, even if it was reciprocated by her, was not done. She was too young. It couldn’t be good for her. Never. She might adventure into the relationship because when you are young you enjoy taking risks. But it might shatter her later. The difference of age, of almost a generation, stood between them.  That can’t be. But it seemed like his intention to do the right by her had always given her pain. Then and now! What should he do? He could try amending the relationship. At least the camaraderie they had come to share could be salvaged. And then he could be there for her when she needed him the most.

—

To be continued

But the biggest problem of the evening was yet to be faced. Mouli! How would she react to seeing her daughter in this condition? His prayers were not answered. Mouli was still awake and as expected was hurt and alarmed. At first, she thought Rupali was ill and panicked.

“No. Mrs. Banerjee. No need to call the doctor. She is just… drunk,” Paritosh informed her hesitatingly, “Where is her room?”

“Upstairs. No… That would difficult. Let’s take her to the guest room on this floor itself,” she managed to think practically.

“I’m sorry,” he turned to Mouli and said, “I didn’t realize when she did this. I was supposed to look out for her.”

“What could you have done? I… I shouldn’t have taken her with me today… But… she could do better than this…”

“Mrs. Banerjee. I think I know now what is troubling her more than your illness. And I promise you that I will do whatever it takes to fix it.”

“What is it, Paritosh?”

“You needn’t bother. Good night, Mrs. Banerjee. She would be all right by morning.”

—

Rupali couldn’t at first understand why she was feeling groggy early in the morning. For a moment the memories of the accident came back to her and she panicked. But then she recognized the room, and finally her mother, sitting on a chair near her bed. She was reading something.

“Mom!” she barely managed to speak.

She could easily discern concern and pain in her mother’s eyes when she looked at her. “You are awake? I think you need this.” She got up and picked up a glass of lemonade from the table.

“Mom… I…”

“Drink it first.”

She did as told.

“Why Rupa?” the two words were more than enough to express her disappointment.

“Mom… I am… I am so sorry…” Rupali’s guilt matched Mouli’s pain.

“You have always made me proud, Rupa. You have been an achiever all your life. You can’t become a loser now, my child. You can’t let me down like this. Can you imagine how I felt when Paritosh brought you home last night? He is your boss, a friend – yes, but not your chaperon.”

“Dr. Khanna?”

“Yes. And thank God for that. Else I don’t know what could have happened.”

The conversation of the last evening came back to her in flashes. Oh God! What had she done? Had she really…. Or was it a dream… Let it be the latter, God! Frustrated, Rupali buried her head in her hands.

Mouli assumed that she was embarrassed, although not quite realizing the extent of her embarrassment.

“You must apologize to him, Rupa.”

Rupali nodded. What would she apologize to him for? For loving him?

—

Paritosh could not sleep that night. Memories didn’t let him.

He was passing through the noisy college grounds, hardly taking notice of what was going on around him, when he heard a name that always caught his attention.

“Oh my God! Stop Rupali. Please stop,” a girl was in splits and her words were punctuated by the sound of laughter, “I will die if I laugh anymore.”

Her companion, none other than Rupali Banerjee, was herself behaving as if possessed by something. She was laughing so hard that she could not keep her balance and fell to her knees without caring about her jeans collecting dust.

“You actually did that? You threw the cockroach in the staff room?” the first girl asked incredulously.

“I couldn’t help it when I saw Dr. D’Souza sitting there with her huge lunch box. She had been such a bitch in the class and I knew she was scared of cockroaches. What I didn’t know was that the entire staff is a bunch of cowards. They were all running helter-skelter, men and women alike!”

“I saw that. It was so funny,” she got into another fit of laughter as she recalled whatever she had seen, “But you are crazy, Rupali. What if someone saw you?”

“Even if they did, they should be too embarrassed about their reaction to really say anything to me,” Rupali was confident.

Paritosh suddenly became conscious that he may be observed by someone, foolishly grinning at the girls’ antics. Perhaps he should go to the staff room instead and enjoy the commotion she had created, while it still lasted. He shook his head smiling and walked away.

Yet another day… He was the faculty representative in the committee that was organizing the inter-college debate competition.

“Of course, the lavish marriages of the politicians and the rich people are a good thing for the society. At least this way, some of the money they are hoarding flows back into the economy, to the cooks and the decorators and others involved in the preparation of those lavish weddings….”

There was something so convincing in how she spoke that it made people forget the logic. You just felt like agreeing to everything she said. At least it happened to him, he thought and smiled. No! Not just him. It must have happened to the judges too. She was declared the winner. She was prancing happily towards the stage to collect her prize… that broad smile… that confident body language… she probably thought she could conquer the world.

Paritosh came back to the present. It had been a while since he had seen her like that. She was a changed person since she had come back; perhaps the result of her bad experiences in the US. But since her accident it had been worse.  And one of the reasons had been him. What had she said? “Because you have made me fall in love with you.”  He had thought that he was now old and mature enough to keep a lid on his emotions? Had he been over-confident? Had he betrayed his feelings?

—

His contemplation continued even in his office. He didn’t have a class to teach that day. His chain of thoughts was broken only when the knock came at his door. He instinctively knew it was her. He took a deep breath, calming himself down, before giving permission. “Come in.”

“Good morning, Dr. Khanna,” a visibly uncomfortable Rupali walked in.

“Please sit down, Rupali. And can you shut the door for a while?”

She did a instructed and took a visitor’s chair.

“Are you feeling fine?”

She nodded. “I’m sorry about–”

“No.” he interrupted and spoke a measured voice, “I’m sorry. It seems I have created too many troubles in your life at a time when you needed them the least.”

“It’s not like that, Dr. Khanna.”

“Tell me, Rupali. What did I do wrong? Did I do something that led you to believe that I…” he did not complete his sentence. He did not want to say those words, even in a sentence that didn’t mean them.

“No. Never,” she replied.

“Be honest. Because if I did something, I made a grave mistake. I misled you and…”

“No. You didn’t. Never. I can’t believe I behaved like that. It wasn’t something I should have ever said.”

“It isn’t something you should feel. You are too young, Rupali. You have been my student. I am too old for you. It is wrong. This is not how things work.” Paritosh wondered if he was being more emphatic than needed. He just had to convince her, not himself. He already knew…

Rupali bit her lips and did not respond to what he said directly, “I shouldn’t have been drunk like that. Not in the office. That’s where everything went wrong.  I made a mistake, Dr. Khanna. Not you. I am sorry. If there is any punishment that would undo the harm, I am ready to take it. Responsibility is mine, and mine only,” she choked on her words. Not wanting to break down before him, she got up and ran away. Paritosh stood up almost meaning to stop her. But he didn’t do that. He just looked on sadly as she disappeared from his sight.

—

To be continued

Another meeting of the research group was to take place during the winter break. Paritosh reached college a little early and thought of grabbing something to eat from the canteen. He looked for Rupali in her office, but it was locked. She would not have come yet, he reasoned, and walked towards the canteen. But he saw Rohan and Rupali sitting there together. He came back without getting anything, and without being noticed by them.

They finalized a paper to be sent to a top-tier History journal during the meeting. She came to his office afterwards.

“Rupali. How are you doing?”

“I am managing. I was hoping you would come home with me today.  Mom was asking about you.”

“Okay. You go ahead. I will come in my car.”

“I have sent mine back with the driver.”

He smiled, “Give me five minutes. I will finish some e-mails and then we can leave.”

—

Paritosh sat with Mouli while Rupali changed and freshened up.

“Thank you for coming, Paritosh.”

“Come on, Mrs. Banerjee. It’s my pleasure.”

“Listening to an old, dying woman’s rant can’t be a pleasure, but you cope bravely.”

“You are being unfair.”

Mouli smiled apologetically, “I guess so. I am sorry. How are you doing, Paritosh?”

“I am fine. Everything is going on as usual.”

“That’s good,” she said and fell silent. It was unlike her. Mouli could hold a conversation quite naturally.

“Something is bothering you. What is it?”

“Not me. Rupa. She never recovered after her accident. I mean, emotionally. Something is bothering her. And now that she knows about my condition, she perhaps doesn’t want to share it with me.”

“Why do you think so?” he asked.

“Under ordinary circumstances, I wouldn’t have divulged her personal issues to you, Paritosh. But I am growing desperate about her. And you are the only friend she has who is mature enough to help her.”

“Don’t worry about that, Mrs. Banerjee. I can keep secrets. But what is worrying you?”

“I don’t know if I can explain. A mother knows. She has never been so distant from me. Not even when she was so far away in the US. But since the accident, I have found her to be so aloof. I have often seen her crying alone.”

“Did you ask her?”

“She dismisses my concerns. She says it is all a figment of my imagination.”

“Hmm…”

“I don’t know what I expect you to do, Paritosh. Just… keep an eye… If there is something at work.”

Paritosh nodded to assure her, but he wasn’t feeling quite confident. How will he find out if something was bothering her? He had himself found her behavior since the accident strange. Then there had been that weird outburst, with inexplicable complaints. Then crying in the car! Without any apparent reason. Since then she hadn’t been as rude to him. She was definitely sad though. He could have explained the sadness with her worry about her mother. But before she had come to know about it? Was it the accident? Or was it something else? And whatever it was, could it still be bothering her? And then there was the issue of her mother’s health? Poor girl! How much he would have liked to sort things out for her. But how to do that?

—

“Oye, hoye,” Sunidhi grinned, “Wasn’t I a good fortune-teller? You had this huge crush on him, didn’t you?” Rupali had finally decided to confide in her best friend. But her leg-pulling wasn’t helping her.

“Sunidhi please,” she pleaded miserably and her eyes became moist. Sunidhi turned serious on seeing that.

“Hey. Rupali. What’s wrong?”

“Everything is wrong, Sunidhi. It’s killing me. It is not easy to have him around all the time at work. To top that Mom is so fond of him that she keeps calling him home. And I am painfully aware all the time of how hopeless this feeling is.”

“You have given up before trying. Talk to him once.”

“I can’t, Sunidhi. I am so scared of how he will react. He treats me like a–” she was about to say child, but stopped remembering how vehemently he had told her that he didn’t see her like that, “like a young student to be corrected, guided, taught. He doesn’t think of me like–”

“I will repeat. You won’t know without talking to him.”

“Truth is that as painful as it is to have him around, I am more scared of losing even that. Mom’s situation is not helping.”

“Rupali. Darling, you are too overwhelmed. Come here. Let me give you a hug. Don’t try to sort it all out in one go. Give it time. Give him time too. Stranger things have happened in the world.”

“Thanks! Anyway, enough about me. How is it going with Aditya?”

“He says he is feeling better. I think so too.”

“That’s great.”

“I know you want to ask about us. I don’t know, Rupali. He still doesn’t seem to be ready.”

“What can I say?” Rupali smiled sadly, “Give it time?”

“Yeah,” Sunidhi also nodded with a wry smile.

—

Rupali wondered if accompanying her mother for her chemotherapy treatment hadn’t been a very bad idea. Everything about it depressed her. Especially how her mother looked. Her strong mother! So helpless and weak before death and disease. If it had been diagnosed earlier, things could have been different. Thinking of that only added to the misery Rupali felt.

Mouli had protested. She didn’t want her to go. But how could she have left her mother alone? She had to go. And she will go again, whenever needed. She would have to find a way to cope with it. Why was she so weak?

—

The door to her office was shut, but not locked. Paritosh could see the light inside. He decided to check on her. It was nine in the evening. There was no reason for her to be working so hard so early in the semester.  He knocked on the door, and on hearing no reply, opened it slowly. Her head was buried in her arms resting on the table. Was she asleep?

“Rupali,” he called her name gently to avoid startling her in her sleep. She looked up.  Paritosh frowned on seeing her condition. Her eyes were bloodshot.

“What has happened?” he asked cautiously.

“Nothing!” she grinned and her voice slurred. She was drunk. He couldn’t have been more shocked to find someone dead there! How could she be so irresponsible? She was in her office.

“You are drunk?”

She continued grinning and said, “Not at all.” She tried to get up to prove her point and stumbled. Paritosh banged the door shut and ran to her. He reached in time to prevent her from falling. But what was he to do next? If he took her out of the department building and someone saw her in this state, it won’t bode well for her career.  She hadn’t exactly made powerful friends in the institute, especially after that fateful faculty meeting. People resented her because she seemed to be well on her way to win the challenge. Why did she do this? Her mother’s worries were not misplaced.

She passed out on her chair after a while. He decided to take the chance then. He supported her half-sleeping form and took her out of the building. Nobody other than security guard noticed them. And to avoid any scandals, he casually dropped an explanation to the guard, “Dr. Banerjee is unwell. I am going to drop her home.”

By the time they reached her home, he was unable to resent her for what she had done. Pity and sadness were the only feelings he had. Why had things gone so wrong for her? Someone with so much potential, so many possibilities in life…

“Rupali. We are home,” he gently nudged her.

She opened her eyes with difficulty, but looked at him with such piercing emotions that he found it difficult to meet her gaze. “Why? Why do you take care of me, Dr. Khanna?” she asked.

“Why do you do this to yourself?”

“It wasn’t supposed to happen this way. Things weren’t supposed to go wrong. Everything was supposed to be all right after I came back.”

“Rupali!”

“Mom wasn’t supposed to fall ill. You weren’t supposed to come back into my life.”

“Me? Am I a problem for you?”

“Yes. The biggest problem.”

“Why?” Paritosh got the shock of his life.

“Because you have made me fall in love with you. And I don’t know… I don’t know what to do…” her voice trailed. She had drifted into her alcohol-induced stupor again. Paritosh stared at her, stunned. When did that happen? How? Why?

—

To be continued

Her conflicts about her own feelings had been resolved ultimately. But that was not the most difficult part. What was the point of her feelings, unless they were reciprocated? And they could never be reciprocated, she was sure. She was too young, too immature for him to consider her seriously – as a lover, as a partner, as an equal! He patronized her all the time, protected her, guided her, helped her. He could never… She felt annoyed as she realized that. Annoyed with everything. With him, with herself, with the world!

It was this annoyance that had made her withdraw from Paritosh. She couldn’t get him; so she wanted to make sure that she didn’t feel the need to get him. It was all going horribly wrong though. She was only hurting herself. And as the earlier heated exchange showed, she was hurting him too. She wasn’t doing it right. How long could she torture herself like this? He had inadvertently revealed one thing that could give her some peace. He had used words like ‘intelligent’, ‘mature’, ‘charming’ for her. He didn’t think as little of her as she had convinced herself. She dared not hope for more. But she would try to be content with this.

Paritosh broke the silence during the drive, “Rupali. I was… I don’t know what had come upon me. I shouldn’t have talked to you like that earlier. Are you angry with me?”

“No,” she replied, “No. I am not. In fact, I am sorry. I have been behaving abominably.”

“What is bothering you? Is it the accident somehow?”

“I don’t know,” she lied, but tears clouded her eyes.

Paritosh looked for a suitable spot and stopped the car.

“Rupali. It has been traumatic for you. The accident. But you don’t need to deal with it like this. It doesn’t have to become your undoing. Talk to me. And if you can’t, then talk to your friends, your mother–”

Her tears grew worse, but she nodded.

“Now, I can’t take you home crying like this, can I? Pull yourself together, Rupali. There is no reason to cry.”

Obediently, she wiped her tears.

—

Mouli was waiting in the hall itself. She looked significantly paler to Paritosh since the last time he had seen her. It was when Rupali was still recuperating in the hospital.

“You don’t look well,” he said cautiously.

“Did you have your breakfast, Mom? I had told you to rest well. Shall I get you some coffee?”

“Sit down, Rupa. I need to talk to you.”

Rupali looked puzzled, while Paritosh grew concerned.

“What happened, Mom?”

“There is something I have been meaning to tell you–”

“Mrs. Banerjee. It may not be the right time.” Rupali had cried in the car for reasons Paritosh couldn’t figure out. She was already upset. She could hardly deal with another blow.

“It better not be too late, Paritosh. And I have gathered courage with difficulty. Rupa. Please sit here, darling.”

“What is it?” Rupali asked anxiously, as she sat down next to her mother, “Tell me, please.”

“Rupa,” Mouli leaned forward and held her hands. She could not look into her eyes and lowered them while speaking further, “I… I am suffering from breast cancer.  It was discovered too late and cannot be cured now. I won’t be with you for long, my child. And you must embrace this bravely.”

Paritosh was noticing the changes in Rupali’s expression. He flinched, almost feeling the pain she was going through. When Mouli finally looked up, she saw a colorless, horrified and stunned face. Her daughter was unable to even cry. She was sitting still in a state of shock.

“Rupa!” Mouli almost cried and shook her. She blinked back her tears and looked at Paritosh helplessly. “Try to help her, please,” she pleaded to him and ran out of the hall to go to her room.

Rupali was startled out of her stillness when she saw her mother running out. “Mom,” she tried to cry out, but it barely came out as a whisper. Paritosh came and sat in front of her.

“Rupali,” he called her name softly.

She looked up at him. At first her eyes were empty and hollow, but suddenly she seemed to become aware of what was going on. She started sobbing pitifully. He held her, pulled her close and hugged her gently trying to comfort her. She wept for several long minutes. He broke the hug when her sobs subsided and said, “I know that it’s easier said than done. But nobody can help the situation. Not you, not your Mom. She is worried about you; really worried. If you can be brave and assure her that you will be all right, she will live peacefully. Otherwise she will feel guilty for the situation even though it’s nobody’s fault. Do you understand?”

“You have known for a while?” she asked.

Paritosh nodded.

“I don’t know whether to be angry with you for not telling me; or to be grateful for being a support to Mom.”

“You can do whatever you want to me. But right now, please go and speak to your mother. Please.”

Rupali nodded and got up to find her mother.

—

“Mom,” Rupali went and hugged her mother, who was standing silently near the bedpost in her room.

“Are you all right, Rupa?”

Rupali could not control her tears, but she assured her, “I am fine Mom.”

“I’m sorry for putting you through this. I wish–”

“Mom! Please. What is your fault in this?” Rupali spoke through her tears.

“Don’t cry darling. Please.”

“But I am really angry at you. Why didn’t you tell me earlier? I never cared to ask after your health. And you even told Dr. Khanna before me?”

“There was a reason, Rupa. He is a nice, responsible and trust worthy man. You’d need a friend in times like this. I’m sure he can be the one.”

Rupali tried to appear normal through this, but she tried so hard that Mouli noticed.

“What is it, Rupa?”

“What?”

“Something is wrong? You are not comfortable about something. Paritosh?”

“No. No Mom. He is… He is a very good man. But I am so confused. And terrified… Of everything.”

“You will be all right, child.” Rupali did not share her mother’s confidence, but she did not say anything.

“Is Paritosh still around?” Mouli asked.

Rupali nodded.

“Go to him, then. Offer him some coffee. I am tired and want to take rest.”

Rupali waited until Mouli was in the bed and then came out.

—

“I will get you some coffee,” she told Paritosh.

He looked at her intently. She was nervous, scared, barely holding herself together. She didn’t realize it, but she was almost shivering.

“I don’t need coffee. Please sit down, Rupali.”

She did not object and sat down, feeling thankful for his understanding.

They stayed silent for a while. Paritosh wasn’t sure if he should stay on.

“Will you be all right?” he asked after a while.

“Yes!” she came out of her thoughts and said as confidently as she could manage, “I should not detain you. Thank you. For everything.”

—

To be continued

Few days later he saw her leaving the office late at night.

“You look exhausted.”

“I am leaving now,” she replied.

“Let me drop you home. You can send your driver for the car in the morning.”

“Thanks, Dr. Khanna. But the driver is here. I will not be driving.”

He saw her leaving in her car from his window. She was driving it herself. There was no driver!

—

The exams were over, and grades submitted. Classes were off for the winter break. Rupali had scheduled a meeting of the research group. She had been cordial and professional enough in the meeting, but a storm was brewing up inside Paritosh. She was still not the same. Why was she doing this? He should have been able to ignore it. But he was unable to. He was twiddling the paper-weight lying on his table, when his mobile rang.

“Hello, Mrs. Banerjee,” he greeted Mouli courteously, not letting his irritation with her daughter show up, “How are you?”

“Are you in the office, Paritosh? Where is Rupali?”

“Why? What happened?” he immediately got worried.

“Can’t reach her on her phone. I didn’t have the landline number.”

“She must be around. We had a meeting a while back. I will check in her office and let you know.”

“Bring her home, will you?”

“Is something wrong, Mrs. Banerjee?”

“No. No,” Paritosh could guess that she was trying to calm down, but she was anxious, “Just that… the car has gone for servicing. She doesn’t have it with her. If you are free and…”

“Don’t worry. I will bring her there.”

—

He could hear her giggling and laughing.

“No way, Rohan. You are just a fan boy. iPhone is just not worth the price.”

“You tried it just now. And see how you are blushing while saying that. You obviously want one.”

“I had it. I didn’t bring it from the US.”

“Sour grapes!”

Paritosh felt annoyed and angry at her. He barged in, ignoring Rohan’s presence. “What are you doing?” he demanded.

Rupali flushed and was too surprised to react. What was he asking about? Hers and Rohan’s conversation? What was objectionable in that? And even if there was, what business did he have intruding and questioning her like that?

“Excuse me?” was all she could manage as she stood up.

Rohan was also taken aback and, feeling awkward, decided to take their leave. “I will see you later, Rupali.”

“What has happened to your phone?”

“Nothing has happened to my phone. I was just checking out Rohan’s iPhone. Why are you talking to me like this?”

“Rupali. I don’t know what your problem is, and why are you behaving like this with me. But I am not going to question you on that–”

“What problem? What do you want me to question about?”

“Nothing. Mrs. Banerjee had called. I will drop you home.”

“I will go by myself. I have my car.”

“No. You don’t.”

“What are you trying to do?”

“I am not trying to, but I would like to know why have you taken to lying to me? And avoiding me?” He had calmed down a bit by now and was willing to explain and talk.

“What do you mean?”

“The other day, your driver was not here. You drove yourself. You lied to me. Before that, you didn’t want the coffee, when I asked, but you were getting it from the canteen anyway! And why on earth would you not discuss a draft paper with me yourself, and have Rohan do it? Now, today your car has gone for servicing and you are trying to lie again.”

Her face flushed at first due to embarrassment. But after that she suddenly grew angry, “So what if I want to go on my own? Can’t I take care of myself? Or do you think of me as a child? That’s what it is, right? I am a child. And an irresponsible, immature one at that. Someone who always needs to be told what is right and what is wrong. Someone who cannot do anything right on her own? Someone who needs to be protected? Who can’t look after herself?”

“Rupali, where did that come from?”

“Right from my student days. You disliked everything I did. And now you are working hard to do your duty to correct me.”

“Rupali!” Paritosh was astonished and for a moment didn’t know what to say. He shook his head and gathered himself together, “You are making no sense whatsoever. Why are you talking like this?”

“It doesn’t matter. You won’t understand. But just remember this. I’m not a child. So, don’t try to mother me.”

Paritosh lost his cool again at that, “Stop this ‘child’ business, will you? No – you are not a child and I had never seen you as one. As far as I am concerned, you are a grown up woman, who is intelligent enough to not behave like you have been behaving recently; a woman who is… mature for her age and charming and attractive. What did you say? I won’t understand. Rupali, you are the one who doesn’t understand.”

“What do I not understand?” he didn’t notice that she had immediately softened on hearing his good opinion about herself.

“You don’t understand why I do whatever I do. Why I worry about you, or why I try to help you do the right thing. I do all of this Rupali, because I–” he stopped suddenly.

Rupali looked at him curiously and expectantly. But he did not complete his sentence. He averted his eyes and let out a sigh. “Forget about it, Rupali,” he said, “It doesn’t matter what you think of me. But you must not neglect your mother. She was unable to reach you and she was worried. She asked me to take you home. Please let me do that. Please.”

Rupali wasn’t happy that he did not explain. But she nodded and followed him silently.

—

Her conduct in the hospital had left her utterly confused at first. Why had she wanted to see Paritosh so badly in that moment of dread and confusion, just after the accident? Soon she had to grudgingly accept that she was in love with Paritosh. That urge to go to him for advice, when she really didn’t need it, the wait for his coffee invitation while working late nights, the butterflies in her stomach with his slightest praise – all of these were not meaningless.

It was odd. He had been her teacher. So much older than her. But did such things matter, when you had those intense feelings for someone? What feelings though? Hadn’t she had them earlier and regretted then? History may repeat itself.  She yearned for him, she wanted him and she felt… safe with him. But… Could she feel safe? Could she trust anyone? Could she trust her own judgment of people? She had chosen wrong people twice earlier in her life. And in the second instance, when she thought she had chosen a man she could look up to, he had turned out to be a manipulative jerk who was using her just to hide his homosexuality from his parents. When she had confronted him, he had turned aggressive and physically abusive. She had moved out of the relationship quickly. But she had lost her confidence. She had decided to come back to India. She would be safe there, she had thought. With Mom around.

And now? How safe was she? In loving and trusting Paritosh? She could not trust herself. But even Mom liked Paritosh. She was the one who had made him a part of their social life. She was the one who had called him for help when Rupali had met with the accident. If Mom thought well of him, couldn’t Rupali also trust him?

—

To be continued

Rupali panicked for a moment as she slowly opened her eyes. Everything around her was a blur and the place was unfamiliar. Slowly her vision and head cleared and she saw her mother, sitting with her eyes closed on a sofa. She looked around and could make out that she was in a hospital room. She could not recall what had happened. She called out to Mouli in a feeble voice, “Mom!”

Mouli immediately opened her eyes and rushed to her, “Rupa. You are awake. How are you feeling?”

“I… I… What happened? How did I reach here?”

“Oh! Don’t bother. Are you feeling all right?”

Rupali had to think for a few moments to decide how she was feeling. Then she realized that she was hurting. Especially her shoulders and her head. She felt confused and scared. She wanted something badly and she had no clue what it was. She started crying.

“What happened, Rupa? Is it hurting? Talk to me dear.”

“I am scared. What has happened to me? Am I dying?”

“Hush! Don’t panic. It was just a small accident. You are all right now. Please calm down. I need to call the doctor.”

Rupali tried, but her nervousness and confusion just wouldn’t go away. She needed something. What was it? She kept crying. Mouli was perplexed. Crying could be no help to her health.

Just then Paritosh walked in with a packet of medicines and a cup of coffee in his hands. He stopped in his tracks when he saw Rupali awake and crying. Mouli looked at him helplessly.

“What happened?” He kept the medicines and coffee on a nearby table and rushed to her bedside, “Why are you crying, Rupali?”

When Rupali saw him, she felt like she got what she wanted. It was a strange feeling. It made no sense. But she felt an urge to sit up and hug him. She was physically in no position to even move. And even if she had been physically fit, there would be a huge mental barrier is doing something like that. But just seeing him around had a calming effort on her. Her nervousness subsided.

“Paritosh. Please be with her. I will call the doctor.”

Paritosh nodded and sat beside her, while Mouli left to get the doctor. As soon as he was within reach, Rupali brought her hand forward and clutched his. He was unsure for a moment about how to react. But then he followed his instincts. He patted her hand and then her forehead.

“Calm down Rupali. Everything is all right. Why are you crying?”

“I was scared.”

“Now you are not, right?”

“No.”

“Then stop crying,” he used his free hand to wipe her tears softly, “And tell me, is it hurting?”

“Slightly.”

“It will be all right. The doctor is coming.”

“I’m sorry. I behaved like a kid.”

“That’s not a problem. Kids are adorable. But you did alarm you mother. Now you must behave yourself before her, okay?”

Rupali smiled, albeit faintly due to the pain and weakness.

Mouli walked in with the doctor by then.

“Thank God! You have stopped crying.”

“I am sorry, Mom. I scared you. I was nervous. I still can’t remember how it happened.”

“That’s normal,” the doctor said, “We tend to block out traumatic memories to cope with them. Don’t worry about it. You might remember later. And even if you do not, it doesn’t matter. It was a road accident. But you look fine now.”

“My body aches. Especially my head and shoulders.”

“We will do the tests. But most likely you just need to rest for a while more. Please have her eat something,” the doctor addressed Mouli, “And then give her the medicines. They will help reduce her pain and also help her sleep.”

“Sure.”

“Mom. You look tired. Why don’t you go home and rest? I’m fine here. You can come in the evening when they discharge me,” Rupali said after having her food, “I will be sleeping till then anyway.”

“She is right, Mrs. Banerjee,” Paritosh agreed, “Please go home and take rest. I will be here.”

“No Sir. You would also need rest.”

“Don’t be silly, Rupali. I’m fine. Mrs. Banerjee, please. You also need to look after yourself.” Mouli knew that he was referring to her own deteriorating health. She nodded quietly as she gave medicines to Rupali, “Fine. I will come in the evening. I’m sorry for all the trouble, Paritosh.”

“Don’t be. I am not the one in trouble. Rupali is. She needs to be looked after. And for that you must remain healthy yourself.”

—

Rupali closed her eyes after Mouli left. She tried to understand her feelings immediately after gaining consciousness. Seeing her mother had comforted her, but she had still wanted something. Rather, she had wanted somebody. She had wanted Paritosh to be there. Why? That longing for him didn’t make sense then. Unless… Unless… she was… It felt weird. What was happening to her? Mom… Crying… Laughing… Dr. Khanna… Walking in with medicine… Comforting her… Scolding her… It was all mixed up. Sedatives had taken over.

—

Mouli noticed a change in Rupali when she came home after getting discharged from the hospital. She appeared very reticent and tense. Mouli reasoned that it was because of the semester end being so close. She had to work hard to make up for the classes she could not take during her hospital stay. She would also have to check the final submissions of the assignments and projects apart from preparing the papers for the final exams. And all this with a body still weak from the injuries, and a mind still traumatized by the accident. She hoped that all will be well afterwards, when she would get the winter break. She had to tell Rupali about her own illness too. But it could wait for a couple of weeks.

Paritosh noticed a change too. But he found it difficult to attribute it to the work-pressure. She would get edgy in his presence. She was withdrawing from him and avoided meeting him or talking to him beyond what was absolutely necessary. If it was the work pressure, she should actually have sought his help rather than avoiding him

“Coffee?” he found her working late in the evening once and asked.

“No, Dr. Khanna. I was about to leave. Would rather sleep early.”

“Sure. That’s a good idea. And you should not exert yourself so much, Rupali. You can ask for my help for setting papers, or grading–”

“I’ll manage. Thanks!”

He ran into Rohan on his way back from Rupali’s office. He was carrying two cups of coffee from canteen.

“Working hard?” Paritosh asked him with a smile.

“Got no other option. I was taking this for Rupali,” he indicated towards the coffee, “Do you want one?”

Paritosh didn’t understand it. She was planning to have coffee. Rohan was bringing it for her. Why didn’t she tell him that? Why the alibi of wanting to sleep early?

“Uh no!” he replied, “I am planning to go home and sleep. Coffee won’t be good. You guys go ahead.”

“Sure. And Dr. Khanna. Rupali wanted me to discuss a draft paper with you. I will send the draft by e-mail. Are you free sometime tomorrow afternoon?”

Why did she want Rohan to discuss the paper with him? Won’t she be there? Paritosh had to to get away; else he might end up saying something offensive to Rohan.

“Send me the mail. I will let you know. Good night, Rohan,” he walked away quickly.

—

To be continued

Paritosh remained silent for most part during the meeting Rupali had organized with other faculty members interested in collaborating with her on research. But he observed keenly as she discussed the research possibilities with her colleagues, refined the research questions, broke them down into actionable hypotheses and figured out what kind of help they would need from outside to carry those out.

“Obviously, we can’t have Ph. D. students right now, but we should look at hiring some research associates. And we need not look at people from particular disciplines. We should just hire good, intelligent people so long as they are interested and passionate about the research questions. We can look at hiring statistics and engineering graduates as well. They bring a different perspective and are very good and quick with quantitative techniques.”

“But will we get the permission to hire graduates of non-humanities discipline?”

Rupali looked at Paritosh. “I will talk to the director. It should be possible. But we can’t pay them beyond the sanctioned maximum for Research Associates.” he said.

“If our sponsors agree to pay them more?” Rupali asked.

“It can’t strictly be their salary. But we will see… May be as scholarships or something,” he had to help her in whatever ways possible.

“That should do. Let’s write down the research proposals for the five projects we have discussed. Then I and Dr. Khanna will work on the presentation to be made to the possible sponsors. Our aim should be to write at least ten good papers based on these and then we can expect to have three or four accepted in the top journals.”

Paritosh could feel that the three other faculty members sitting in the room were excited and motivated. There was something satisfying about seeing her like this. The nervousness and lack of confidence he had witnessed in her earlier was not how he remembered her as a student. This confident Rupali, whom people willingly followed, was more reassuring.

—

“Paritosh. Am I disturbing you?”

“Mrs. Banerjee? What a pleasant surprise! Please come in,” Paritosh welcomed Mouli warmly into his office.

“I’m sorry. I have come without an appointment.”

“This isn’t the Prime Minister’s Office. You are welcome anytime.”

“That’s so sweet of you. I had come to pick Rupali up for a shopping sojourn! I thought I’d say ‘hi’ to you too.”

“That was a really good thought. I am so happy to see you here. What would you have? Coffee? Tea?”

“Nothing. Don’t bother with formalities. Rupali would be waiting for me.”

“Still–”

“Listen. I had to ask you something.”

“Yeah?”

“Do you mind my dragging you into our social circle?”

“What kind of question is that? Of course not. It’s a pleasure, in fact.”

“That’s great. Then you shouldn’t decline my invitation to you for a dinner tomorrow evening?”

“What’s the occasion?”

“No occasion. Just thought you could join me and Rupa for dinner. It’d be a change for all of us.”

“Does Rupali know?”

“Does either of us need her permission for this?”

“You are too clever with words, Mrs. Banerjee,” Paritosh laughed slightly, “No. We don’t need her permission. I’d be happy to join you.”

“Great then. Eight pm. Tomorrow. I look forward to seeing you.”

—

They were having coffee after dinner when Rupali got a call. She looked at the number and told Mouli, “It’s Sunidhi, Mom. I will be back in a while.”

“Sure.”

“Paritosh. I wanted to thank you for being a friend and mentor to Rupa. She really needs one.”

“You are embarrassing me by thanking me for that. It’s my duty.”

“She’s my daughter. And I have been a friend to her more than a mother. I know her strengths and weaknesses. Her father didn’t live long enough to be there for her. She didn’t have a responsible man in her life while growing up. Despite my best efforts, I couldn’t do anything to fill that gap in her life. She has suffered because of that. She needs a strong, guiding hand. Can I extract a selfish promise from you? Can you promise me to look after her?”

“You are worried about something. What is it?” her anxiety did not skip Paritosh’ notice.

“She doesn’t know about it yet. But I’m not going to live long. I am suffering from breast cancer. I can’t hide for long though. Soon enough, if I don’t tell her, my condition would.”

“Oh!” Paritosh was so shocked that he could hardly say anything.

“Sorry to bring you in between all this. But I’m a selfish mother–”

“Don’t say that. In fact, I have to thank you for trusting me so much. It means a lot for me. Really!”

“Thanks, Paritosh. I will tell her soon enough. Till then keep this a secret. But please promise me that you will look after her after I’m gone. She is intelligent. But she does have tendency to stumble about in life. And I’d die peacefully, if I know someone is there to support her when that happens.”

“I promise, Mrs. Banerjee! But you must not worry so much. You have raised a responsible daughter and–” He paused because they heard Rupali’s footsteps. She was coming back.

“Everything okay?” Rupali sensed the tension in the room. But Paritosh managed the situation.

“Yes. Rupali. Can I trouble you for another cup of coffee?” he said.

“That’s no trouble at all. I will get one. Mom. Shall I get one for you too?”

“Yes, dear. That would be awesome.”

Paritosh quickly turned to Mouli to complete his assurance, “I will be with her as her friend. Always. You have nothing to worry about.” He had to blink back his tears as he grasped the gravity of the situation.

“Thank you,” Mouli pressed Paritosh’ hands in gratitude.

—

“Sir, this is Rohan Moitra. He is joining us as an RA today. I already told you about him. Rohan, this is Dr. Paritosh Khanna. Our HOD. Make sure you keep him happy, else your meager salary won’t be released,” Rupali introduced them with the joke.

“Hi Rohan. Welcome. And don’t worry about keeping me happy. The toughest person to please here is Dr. Banerjee herself. If she is happy, everyone else will be.”

“Thanks, Dr. Khanna. I know that. Have known her for a while now.”

“Shut up, Rohan,” Rupali protested, “Focus on work now. After this, you should go back to Meher. She will help you finish all the other administrative formalities. I will be in my office if you need me.”

“Yes Ma’am!”

“So, Rohan,” Paritosh started the conversation after Rupali left, “What made you take up this job at a Social Sciences institute? Rupali told me you are a Computer Science graduate.”

“Yeah. I have been doing Computer Science for last five years. It’s good, but I needed a break and a change. I was considering various options, including working for some NGOs, but this looked like the most solid and challenging opportunity.”

“How so?”

“Rupali has a vision. You got to take it seriously.”

“Yeah,” Paritosh smiled. It wasn’t only him. She still had that ability to make people want to agree with her, he thought fondly, “You have known each other for long?”

“On and off. I was with her in school for couple of year. . But my parents changed cities often, so we lost touch. We met again in the US. Thanks to IGSA[1] of the university.”

“You went to NYU too?”

“Yes. I was in Computer Science though.”

“Hmm… Nice.”

—

To be continued

“Whoa! What’s going on?” Rupali’s office door was open. Paritosh was passing by and saw Rupali sitting on her chair with her head buried in her hands. Her table was practically covered with papers.

“Three-fourth of the semester has gone by, but I can’t seem to get through with this paperwork. I am really out of my mind. Why does everything happen on paper here in the twenty-first century?”

Paritosh laughed out loud, “Welcome to Indian academia, Dr. Banerjee. What happened? Let me see if I can help you.”

“Will you?”

“Sure. Show me.”

“What am I supposed to fill up in all these fields?”

“Just leave them blank.”

“Really? They aren’t marked as optional.”

“Nobody is going to read them. If it comes back, we will see.”

“You really know your way around all this, don’t you?”

“Ten years in the system. One has to know.”

“Yeah. And this?”

“You didn’t do any business in US, did you?”

“No.”

“Then write N/A.”

“Is it that simple? Why can’t they phrase question more simply?”

Paritosh smiled and helped her fill several more forms.

“There is something else I need to discuss with you,” she said after the paperwork was done.

“Tell me.”

“I got e-mails from two of the faculty members from our department and another one from Sociology who would like to do something about my little challenge during the faculty meeting.”

“That’s good,” Paritosh looked more thoughtful than excited, “But do you know about our record of publications in international journals?” He wanted to ensure that she was aware of the challenge she was up for.

“Yes. The last one to be published in a worthy journal was your paper, four years back, in the Journal of Contemporary History. And since then you haven’t published much.”

“I got caught up in administrative work, especially with the Delhi stint, and honestly didn’t focus much on research.”

“You can focus again.”

“I don’t know. I have lost the momentum.”

“Then you can regain it,” she smiled, “Besides, there is ample contributions to be made on the administrative side of things too.”

“Raising money, I believe. And I have no experience whatsoever.”

“I know where to start. My family’s business. Their CSR arm has been sitting idle,” she said and added theatrically, “They can contribute towards education in the country.” It drew a smile from him. She continued, “You just have to be there.” Seeing him silent and thoughtful, she suddenly felt awkward about the entire conversation. Why was she assuming that he was with her in the fight? He might not want to do anything with all of this. Despite his encouragement. “Am I imposing on you?” she asked.

“Imposing? No. Not at all. I want you to succeed, Rupali. And anything I can do for that is good. Fix up the meeting.”

“Thanks a lot, Dr. Khanna. That’s a big morale booster.”

He smiled, “So, what is the plan? Funding is one part. What about the research ideas?”

“I was planning to kick start the entire effort with a group meeting. Would you join that?”

“Sure.”

“When will you be free?”

“Monday? I don’t have any classes or meetings.”

“I will check with everyone and let you know.”

“Great! I should get going now. I have a meeting with the director. Should I tell him that you are putting your army together?”

“Dr. Khanna!”

“Don’t worry. I am joking.”

—

Rupali had started going to Paritosh for advice often and he seemed to be happy to help her. She mentioned this to Mouli.

“He is a nice man!” was Mouli’s reaction.

“Seems like that Mom. You are fond of him, aren’t you?”

“Why do you ask?”

“Just like that. If you like him, it makes it easy for me to trust him. My own history of understanding people has not been that great.”

“Rupa. Darling – don’t be so hard on yourself because some people turned out to be jerks. There are good people in the world.” Rupali didn’t say anything, instead just smiled sadly. Mouli continued, “Also dear, you must think about your future, about settling down. You look settled in your job now. You need to find a partner too. Else the life will get lonely after a while.”

“Mom. Please. I have you. I don’t need anybody.”

“I’ll not live forever. No parent ever does.”

“Shut up. You will live long enough.”

“Rupa…” Mouli made to say something, but checked herself.

“What?”

“Nothing. I don’t want you to spoil your mood by pestering you. But do remember this. I will be worried about you.”

“Mom!”

“It’s okay. Let’s not talk about it now. Will you make me another cup of coffee?”

“Sure, Mom.” Rupali was happy to end the discussion.

—

“Coffee?” Paritosh peeped in from the door and asked Rupali. She was working late due to an upcoming deadline for a paper submission. Paritosh was known to work late nights in the office. So Rupali was not surprised to see him.

“Sure,” she replied and got up to go with him.

“I am not in a mood for the pathetic coffee of faculty canteen. How about we drive a little and go to Mocha nearby?”

“I am not fond of faculty canteen either!” Rupali replied.

“So, how is the paper coming along?” Paritosh asked after they had ordered their coffee at Mocha.

“It’s coming along well. Having a couple of good Ph. D. students would have helped though,” Rupali replied wryly.

“Ph. D. students? I can get you as many as you want. This country is degree crazy. ‘Good’ ones, that too in humanities, are what are difficult to come by.”

“I know!”

“Did the condition of Indian academia come as a surprise to you, Rupali?”

“No. Not really. I was well aware.”

“Why did you come back then? And don’t give me the politically correct answer you would have given in your job interview.”

Rupali laughed slightly at that. “It’s a tough one. But I guess that country was not my type. Too lonely, too aggressive for me.”

“Professionally?”

“No. Professionally I would have managed. I managed fine, in fact. But the day to day life, the interaction with people, the relationships – I just didn’t get it.”

“What was the problem?”

She sighed. “Multiple problems. But worst of all– Have you ever been in love?”

Paritosh managed to hide his discomfort at that sudden question and cleverly evaded it, “I am too old to answer that now. You tell me. Have you ever been?”

“More than once! At least I thought each time that I was in love,” she gave a sad, self-deprecating smile, “The problem was that I was good at understanding ghosts of history, but not the people of present. I managed to fall in love with some illusions every time. The real people behind them were just not right.”

“Hmm…” Paritosh noticed that she was staring down at the table, and not looking at him at all. It was as if she had started talking to herself. She spoke again before he could say anything.

“That’s just another way of saying that I didn’t understand people at all and made mistakes all the time. Relationships, friendship, anything. I started feeling lonely and scared. I needed to go someplace familiar, and safe. I had to come back to Mom.”

She suddenly stopped her ramblings and looked up guiltily at him, “I’m sorry. I am boring you with my meaningless blabbers.”

“You don’t have to be so self-conscious before me. You can trust me, Rupali.”

“I know. Shall we leave now?”

She was embarrassed about baring her heart like that. Paritosh wanted to comfort her, but figured that any such attempt on his part might only make her more uncomfortable. He called for the bill.

—

To be continued

“During our trip, that night, you didn’t have fever,” Sunidhi came to the point quickly.

Aditya sighed, but didn’t say anything.

So, Sunidhi continued, “What was it?”

“Let it be, Sunidhi.”

“No. I can’t let it be. You can trust me, Aditya. We are friends.”

“Please.”

“You may need help, Aditya,” Sunidhi went forward and held his hands, “You can trust me. Tell me.”

Aditya withdrew his hands, leaving Sunidhi slightly embarrassed. But she tried to appear unaffected.

“Don’t touch me, Sunidhi. There is filth around me – around my body and my mind…”

“What are you talking about?”

“I was five years old when my Dad died. I hardly remember anything about him. My mother was heart-broken and clueless. She had been so dependent on him. She didn’t know how to take care of herself and me. My Dad’s family was quite conservative. But her parents took the matter in their hands and decided that she should remarry. She agreed and they found a nice guy for her, who was willing to accept me along with her. She was happy again. She had found a dependable husband for herself and a loving father for me. Only problem was…”

“Go on, Aditya.”

“His love for me was not fatherly.”

“What do you mean?” Sunidhi blurted and then she thought of a possibility, “Oh my God!”

“When I cried at night and he assured Mom that he will put me to sleep. He didn’t sing me lullabies though. He just violated me, used me. At first, I was so young that I could not even express what was wrong in whatever was happening to me. I would tell Mom that I didn’t like him. But she would scold me. She’d tell me how much he cared for me and I must be grateful to him and return the affection. And when I started understanding what was wrong… I felt too ashamed to say anything. And he kept going, sometimes by cajoling me, sometimes by threatening me. He told me that no one would believe me. And he was right. Mom never seemed to notice anything. Or she was probably just looking the other way. Too weak to protest. She needed him to support her and I… I was not somebody for whom she’d have fought. I couldn’t do anything. I was seventeen years old, when I left home for my studies. Since then, I have never gone back home. Mom keeps asking me to come. But even now she doesn’t seem to question why I behave this way. She doesn’t seem to understand that there has to be a good reason why I don’t go home, why I haven’t gone in all these years. She comes and stays with me sometimes. But she still doesn’t understand… Perhaps she wants to continue ignoring. I don’t know. But between all this, I am a damaged person. Physically and emotionally. Keep away from me, Sunidhi. I am no good for you. I am no good for myself.”

“Don’t say that. And stop blaming yourself,” Sunidhi was horrified, but she comforted him.

—

“Sir. I must tell you this…” Rupali was panting as she flung open the door to Paritosh’ office, only to find him in a meeting with couple of senior professors of the department.

“Yes? Rupali. Is there anything urgent?” He kept a straight face to hide his embarrassment.

“Uh… No… I am so sorry. I will come later,” she replied sheepishly and left, regretting her imprudence. She should have knocked and asked for permission.

Half-an-hour later, she heard a gentle knock on her door, even though it was open. She looked up to find Paritosh standing there, “Can I come in?”

“Yes – of course. Please,” she was baffled as she got up from her chair. The contrast between their behaviors increased her embarrassment even further. Even with an open door, he knocked and asked for her permission before coming in. And she hadn’t thought twice before barging though the shut door of his office. It was especially awkward because he was the one who was so senior to her. He deserved the courtesy more.

“I’m so sorry for coming in like that, Sir. It was extremely inappropriate. I… I don’t know…”

“Rupali,” he interrupted in a firm, decided tone, “Calm down. You can come into my office anytime you want. You have the right and you don’t need to be sorry. If I’m busy, I will tell you.”

Rupali was too surprised to speak for a few moments. What exactly was that? “That’s really… sweet… of your, Sir,” she finally managed to say, “But… Anyway…” Since he wasn’t blaming her there was no point in apologizing repeatedly, “I will behave myself.”

“You behave perfectly well,” his tone was still the same and it puzzled Rupali. He continued, “What was it that excited you so much?”

“Oh… That… Yeah. You remember you had met Aditya at Mom’s birthday party and observed that…”

“That he might have some issues? He looked anxious and afraid, yes.”

“Yes. Sunidhi was going through a bad phase those days. She and Aditya liked each other, but he was shying away and was unsure. He wanted her to move on.He was even trying to get a transfer to get away from her life. All the time he kept assuring her that it wasn’t about her. But it wasn’t much of a consolation for her. She was annoyed and depressed.

“It changed with your observation. I told Sunidhi about it and that got her thinking. She entertained the possibility that it might indeed be about his mental health. So now, apparently, she has been able to talk to him and he is getting help.

“That’s good to know. It is always better to get help early. But what was his problem?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t ask anything more than what Sunidhi willingly told me. But I wanted to let you know and also thank you for this. Sunidhi is my best friend and it feels really good to see her happy, finally.”

“So, they are together now?”

“Not really. She has decided to give him space and not pressurize him. She is even ready to let go, if he really doesn’t want the relationship. But now it doesn’t hurt her that much I think. She cared for him and she managed to do what was right for him. So, it works.”

“That’s really thoughtful of her.”

“Thank you very much.”

“You don’t have to thank me. I didn’t do anything.”

“The possibility you pointed out made all the difference. Nobody was thinking in that direction. By the way, can I ask you something?”

“Go ahead.”

“You remember when I had forgotten to give an exam?”

“I remember everything about you, Rupali.”

Rupali wasn’t sure why it gave her goose bumps, when he said that. She tried to hide it and continued, “You had scolded me so much for that and the same night I had made a graver mistake by not attending to Rakesh’ call. But for that, you never scolded me. Why?”

Paritosh smiled, “Rupali. As the head of the department and as a senior faculty member, you would agree that it is my duty to mentor young faculty members and steer them in the right direction.”

“Of course.”

“When you forgot about the exam, it was clear from your reaction that you thought it was a trivial issue. I could see where that attitude came from. The students would find it cool if you laughed it off with them. So, why really bother, right? But as an educational institute, as much as we value individual’s freedom and choices, we cannot shirk from our responsibility of giving basic lessons in discipline and responsibility to the students. And that lesson has to come from the faculty. So, even if you are not naturally so, I think it is necessary and a part of your duty towards the institute, that you stay disciplined before your students. That’s what I was trying to impress upon you. Since you did not appear to see that for yourself, I had to scold you. I’m sorry if I was too rude.”

“No. Not at all.”

“About Rakesh’ call, however, one did not need to be a rocket scientist to know that you understood the gravity of your mistake and that you would not repeat it. What had already happened could not be reversed. So, nothing was to be achieved by scolding you.”

“And you helped me out instead.”

“I tried to.”

“You are too wise!” Rupali exclaimed, with almost a childish admiration and awe.

The innocence with which she said it made Paritosh laugh. Then he turned serious and said, “Given how you have turned out, Rupali, I think I directed you the right way. I just hope you do not hold any grudges against me.”

“None!” She replied quickly.

“That’s good to know. Thank you,” he said in a distant, yet almost intimate, tremulous voice she hadn’t heard before. He left immediately. She was confused. Why did he thank her? She should be the one thanking him. For everything!

—

To be continued