Sacrifices (Part 6)
How had it come to this? This girl had an uncomplicated, simple life. She had a loving family and supporting friends. She had the charm and exuberance that could lighten up even his dark, gloomy life. What complication could have crept into her life to have made her so dispirted and depressed. Unless it was him?
Had he made a mistake by not talking to her? He had to find out and he did so by asking directly, “Nidhi. Kya tumhari pareshaani main hoon?”
She was caught unguarded. It took her few moments to collect her thoughts, “Pareshaani aap nahin hain. Pareshaani main hoon. Lekin aap please aur kuchh mat poochhiye. Main aur sab kuchh bardasht kar sakti hoon. Lekin ye nahin ki meri wajah se aapko koi pareshaani ho. Ya kissi bhi wajah se aap mujhse nafrat karein.”
“Tumse nafrat? Main? Nidhi, tum mujhe thoda bhi samajhti ho ya nahin?” he was irritated. He went forward and held her again, “Ab bahut tedhi-medhi baatein ho gayin. Aur bahut pareshaan rah li tum. Batao mujhe kya baat hai? Aur main bina jaane tumhein yahan se jaane nahin doonga. Batao mujhe.”
Nidhi shook her head. She won’t talk!
“Nidhi,” Ashutosh persuaded, “Tum mere reaction se kyon dar rahi ho? Main… main tumhari baaton ka bura nahin maan sakta. Tumse nafrat… I don’t think I need to explain that it is impossible. Aur… chalo theek hai. Agar maan bhi lete hain ki mujhe bura lag jayega. To kya hoga? Itna to bharosa mujh par kar sakti ho tum ki tumhari professional life par isse koi asar nahin padega. Ab to tumhari internship bhi khatam hone waali hai. Phir tumhein kya problem ho sakti hai mujhse? Batao Nidhi. Mere liye ye janna bahut zaroori hai ki kya baat tumhein khaye ja rahi hai? Aur… Kaise tumhari khushiyan wapas aa sakti hain? Main kya karoon, Nidhi? Batao mujhe.”
“Let me go. Mujhe jaane dijiye, Dr. Ashutosh.” Her voice trailed away and then, in complete incongruence with what she said, she leaned on him. The next moment Ashutsoh realized that she had fainted.
For the time first time in so many years of his career, he felt a chill run down his spine at a medical situation. He had to consciously remind himself that it was probably just weakness and fatigue; nothing more serious. He made her sit on the chair and called for help to take her into a room where she could be given glucose.
—
Ashutosh stayed by her bedside the entire night. Towards the dawn, he checked her pulse. He was satisfied with the improvement. But as he made to pull his hand away, he was interrupted. She clutched his hand. He looked at her curiously. She had still not woken up.
“I am sorry. I can’t live without you,” she murmured in her sleep. Pain and guilt washed over Ashutosh. So, that’s what it was. He had tried to do it gently, but him pushing her away had been too hard on her. So hard that…
She opened her eyes and looked around confused. It took her a moment to recall what had happened. She let his hand go as soon as she realized that she was holding it.
“Are you okay?” Ashutosh asked gently.
“Ji,” her voice was weak, “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry?” Ashutosh smiled, but sadly, “Kis liye? Kin-kin cheezon ke liye khud ko blame kar rahi ho Nidhi? Kin-kin baaton ke liye khud ko guilty maan kar sazaa de rahi ho.”
“Meri kuchh samajh mein nahin aa raha hai.”
Ashutosh looked at her sickly face. She was still unwell. It wouldn’t do to have an intense heart-to-heart just then.
“Tumhein fresh ho kar, kuchh khane ki aur dawaiyan lene ki zaroorat hai. Main nurse ko bhejta hoon. She will help you. I will be back later.”
—
“Nidhi. Tumhare Baba aa rahe hain hospital. Tumhein ghar le kar jayenge. Kam se kam ek hafte tumhein ghar par aaraam karna hai,” Ashutosh told her when he came back.
“Main ek hafte ghar par nahin baith sakti. Mujhe yahan aana hai.”
“Kyon?”
Nidhi stayed quiet.
“Main kuchh poochh raha hoon tumse,” Ashutosh tried to sound stern.
“Bas aise hi.”
“Agar tum mujhe sach bataogi to shayad main tumhein aane doonga. Otherwise sawaal hi nahin paida hota…”
“Aap kyon kar rahe hain aisa?” Nidhi burst out, “Maine to aapke liye koi pareshaani nahin khadi ki hai. Meri wajah se koi aapko kuchh kah to nahin raha hai. Koi badnaami to nahin ho rahi hai aapki? Phir? Main bas thoda samay hi to yahan bitaana chahti hoon na? Jo do mahine yahan bache hain mere, thodee der aapko door se dekhna chahti hoon. Kya ismein bhi logon ko koi problem hai?”
“Logon ko koi problem kyon hogi, Nidhi?”
“To aapko kya problem hai?”
“Mujhe problem ye hai ki…” Ashutosh hesitated. What should he say? What should he not say? It was complicatd, but he proceeded, “Mujhe problem ye hai, Nidhi, ki main bhi yahi chahta hoon. Balki isse bahut zyada chahta hoon. Kya tumhein ye baat kabhi samajh mein nahin aayi? Lekin ye sahi nahin hai.”
His acceptance of his feelings calmed Nidhi down. “I know,” she responded, “I know ki ye sahi nahin hai. Isse aapke oopar ungliyan uthengi. Isliye to…”
“Mere oopar ungliyan uthengi?” Ashutosh was surprised, “Mere oopar kaun ungliyan uthayega, Nidhi? Mere aage peechhe kaun hai jiski main parwaah karoon. Baat woh nahin hai.”
“Phir?” Nidhi was also surprised.
“Pagal ladki. Tum mere baare mein soch rahi ho. Apne baare mein nahin sochti?”
“Ji?”
“Nidhi. Jo tum chahti ho, aur… jo main bhi chahta hoon, uski impossibility ka ehsaas nahin hua kabhi tumhein?”
“Kaisi impossibility. Jab aapko koi problem nahin hai, mujhe koi problem nahin hai aur hum dono ek doosre se pyaar karte hain to kissi aur ko kya problem ho sakti hai?”
How easily and simply did she talk about love? Only an innocent and pure soul could do it. Ashutosh was surprised and enamoured at the same time. But his fond expressions changed to alarmed when he looked up and saw Nidhi’s father standing at the door, shocked and hurt at what he had overheard. Ashutosh closed his eyes and cursed himself silently for being so careless.
Nidhi also flustered on seeing him. But she did not anticipate the storm that Ashutosh did.
“Dr. Ashutosh,” Baba addresed him directly, “Mujhe lagta tha ki aap ek mature aur achchhe insaan hain. Nidhi ne zindagi nahin dekhi hai. Apna bhala bura nahin samajhti hai. Aur maine expect kiya tha ki aap use sahi se guide kar sakte hain. Lekin I am disappointed.”
“Baba!” Nidhi was flabbergasted, “Aap aise kyon bol rahe hain. Dr. Ashutosh ne kya kiya?”
“Sahi kaha tumne, Nidhi. Unhone kuchh nahin kiya. Kiya to maine hai. Apni beti par bharosa kiya. Use itni aazaadi di. Ye soch kar ki who uska misuse nahin karegi. Galti maine ki, Nidhi.”
Nidhi was speechless. She hadn’t expected this reaction from Baba. She looked from Ashutosh to Baba.
“Baba,” Ashutosh said calmly, “I am sorry. Aapne sahi kaha. Aisa kuchh na ho, iska dhyaan rakhna meri zimmedaari thi. Aur ho sake to mera yakeen kijiye, aisa kuchh bhi nahin hua hai jiske liye aapko pareshaan hone ki zaroorat ho. Nidhi aisa kuchh nahin karegi jismein aapki sahmati na ho. Aur agar woh karna bhi chahe to main use karne nahin doonga. Abhi uski tabiyat kharaab hai. Use aaraam ki zaroorat hai. Aap please use ghar le jaiye. Ye mera waada hai aapse ki Nidhi ke saath kuchh galat nahin hoga. Aapko Nidhi se gussa hone ki koi zaroorat nahin hai.”
Baba nodded, though he still looked unhappy. Nidhi looked at Ashutosh with longing and tears in her eyes. Ashutosh blinked and nodded silently pleading with her to not hurt herself.
—
“Baba. Mujhe to lagta tha ki aap Dr. Ashutosh ko pasand karte hain.”
“Haan. Pasand karta hoon. Lekin tumhare jeevan-saathi ki tarag nahin, Nidhi. Kam se kam dus-pandrah saal to bade hain woh tumse?”
“Kya bas yahi aapki problem hai Baba?”
“Dekho Nidhi. Problem meri nahin hai. Problem tumhari hai,” Baba explained patiently, “Ye umra ka farq almost ek generation ka farq hai. Main samajh sakta hoon ki tum Dr. Ashutosh ko idolize karne lagi ho. Aisa hota hai aur ismein kuchh bura nahin hai. Lekin jeevan-saathi chunna alag baat hoti hai. Jab idolization khatam ho jayega to rozmarra ki zindagi ke sawaal saamne aayenge. Aur ye zindagi bhar ka faisla hota hai. Koi ek do din ke adjustment ki baat nahin hai…”
“Lekin Baba…”
“Nidhi. Is baare mein bahas karna bekaar hai. Mujhe nahin lagta ki Dr. Ashutosh ko chunna sahi faisla hai tumhare liye. Main iske liye kabhi raazi nahin hounga. Agar tum ye faisla logi to tumhein mere khilaaf ja kar hi lena padega.”
“Baba. Main unse pyaar karti hoon…”
“Aur mujhe is baat se kabhi koi problem nahin hogi ki tum apna jeevan-saathi khud chuno. Lekin main jaante-boojhte tumhein ek disasterous faisla nahin lene de sakta.”
Nidhi realized that arguing further was useless at that time.
—
To be continued