Mish' Fiction

“Ladies and Gentleman. A big hand for the man who has a unique combination of achievements to his credit – a successful businessman, recently revealed to be the gifted artist the world had known only with a pseudonym till now, and a most generous philanthropist. In honoring him today, we are honoring ourselves!”

Mukundo walked to the stage amidst loud applause. His gait was not as powerful and straight as it used to be thirty years ago. Despite having adopted a very healthy lifestyle, as he had promised Piyali, the age had finally caught up with him.

“Good evening everyone,” Mukundo started his speech with a formal greeting, “The reason I accepted the invitation to this ceremony is so that I can counter the allegations made against me in the introduction right now.” This drew a chuckle from the audience. “The reality is that my life was well on its way of being wasted. I was a self-destructive person and did everything that made even the people who had known me from childhood, shrink away from me. I was too disillusioned and angry with life, with people, with their treacheries. Amidst all this there was one person who gave me a hope that life could be better. And when that hope did not bring me out of the self-pity I was wallowing me, fate went a step ahead and destroyed her to shake me out of my idle, wasted existence. All these qualities you ascribe to me today have been made over her destruction. It seems like she had come to this world only to set me right. That is how my artist mind thinks of her. But when I put my rationality to work, I know that with care and caution, what happened to her was avoidable. It happened about thirty years ago, but HIV was avoidable. Today the medical science has progressed much further. Medicines are a lot more reliable. And yet – even today – prevention is better than cure. And even today, HIV patients need a supporting hand. What I did after she left me was what I had to do. It wasn’t a heavily deliberated decision, no great sacrifice, no act of magnanimity.  It was the one and only obvious use of my house, and my life. So, the care centre was created for HIV patients in my house, and the money that I made as a shareholder in our family business, or through my paintings, funded it initially. As the project expanded and got beyond my own financial and operational abilities, help poured in from different quarters and you all know what it is like today. Unfortunately, the work is not over. We are yet to cure or eradicate the malady. It needs an even greater push. Our foundation, now, wants to contribute to relevant research in the area. It needs money, more money. I am sure the help will pour in as usual. But I have decided to do my bit. There is a surprise waiting for your today, which was not pre-announced at my request. This is something I have kept close to my heart all my life, never shared with anyone. But now the time has come. If there are people in the audience who have appreciated my paintings, what you will see now are the ones I consider my most beautiful, at least most soulful. This set of thirty two paintings traces her life – short as it was, which gave meaning to my own life.”

At the cue, a curtain at the back of the stage went up, and thirty two paintings came in the full view of audience. There she was! For the world at last. A baby in the crib, crying, laughing, ready for school in her uniform and two pigtails, practicing dance, leaning on table doing homework, performing on stage, frowning over something, a grown up college student, a young woman in her wedding attire, a wife in saree and sindoor and single pigtail, then on the bus stop trying to avoid him, perched up on a stool and hanging a painting in her new home, looking sick and pale as the disease progressed – the series ended with a painting of her on her death bed. After the painting in the wedding attire, he had made all others after her death. From his memory, as usual.

It took the audience sometime to glance through the paintings. And the applause that erupted after that was thunderous and refused to die down.  He finally had to lift his hands to signal the audience to quieten down. When they finally did, he explained that he had made five sets out of the paintings, each having a painting from one representative phase of her life. For the first and last painting, he had made five copies, so that each set will have them to complete the story. These sets were up for bidding and the proceeds will be used by the foundation to fund HIV research.

—

Mukundo leaned back on the back seat of the car on his way back from the ceremony. He was tired. Not just from the evening’s exertions. But from the life’s as well. He had lived too long without her. He pressed a covered rectangular packet close to his heart. On her request, he had made her nude painting on a small canvas. “I want to be able to keep it beside me when I die,” she had said. After she was gone, he kept it with him all the time. Wrapped up to keep it from others. Today he had let go of all her other paintings. This one was his own.

“Mukundo Babu,” the driver called his name when he didn’t get out of the car. They had reached the apartment in which Piyali had lived and which was now his home and painting studio. His parental home had been converted to the care centre. Mukundo did not respond. Worried, the driver got out and opened his door. He tried to shake him gently to wake him up. But his body fell to one side. Lifeless! But content and smiling. The rectangular package fell in his lap. Driver picked it up with trembling hands. It had a small note on it – “Send it, as it is, with me to my funeral pyre.”

– The End –

Debangi was so guilty and ashamed that she didn’t even try to give her opinion on the arrangements for Piyali. Mukundo still offered her an explanation that it was better for Piyali to continue to stay in the apartment. It was closer to the university and to the hospital. And back at home, there were too many people, mostly staff, many with small kids. She needed increasingly hygienic surroundings, which was easier to achieve in a smaller house where there weren’t many other people. She agreed to everything he said. Priyendra was emotional to meet Piyali. He surprised Piyali and Mukundo by apologizing to her on behalf of their mother.

“My kid brother has grown up, Mukundo Babu,” she said lovingly.

“Yes,” replied Mukundo, “And has become responsible too. He had done very well in school last year. I’m sure he will do as well as you in his board exams.”

Piyali patted his head affectionately and he blushed a little.

For next one year, Piyali was continuously in and out of the hospital. But she really wanted to finish her post graduation, which Mukundo had gotten her enrolled into with so much hope.

“I don’t want to deceive myself, or you, Mukundo Babu. I won’t be able to work after university. I won’t be able to do justice to any job. But I want to study. I want to fulfill at least part of my dream, your dream for me.” She was already not in a position to do much of housework. Mukundo had hired a house help. Because even he spent most of his time tending to her. He drove her to the university, waited for her in the library while she attended classes and took her back with him. There were times when he had to drive her to the hospital in the middle of a class. Sometimes she would feel depressed, “It’s not worth it, Mukundo Babu. You life is getting wasted running around with me all the time.”

“These are the only meaningful days of my life,” he wouldn’t entertain her concern and she would then pull all her will-power together to get better and go back to attending her classes.

After her exams were over, Mukundo decided that there was no point in rushing to the hospital all the time. He made all the arrangements at home. He also hired nurses to be with her all the time, although he himself hardly ever left her side. But many a times, professional decisions needed to be made – some medicine to be given, some injection to be administered!

It went on for another two years. Medicines made her condition better once in a while. On those days, he took her on long drives. They never stayed out of home till late, never ate or drank anything outside; it was not safe for her failing immune system. At times she noticed him eying some street food or some sweets. “You should take some, Mukundo Babu,” she would urge him. But he wouldn’t do that. Even at home, he had taken to eating only what she ate. His dedication had taken everyone by surprise. He never tired, never got bored! He didn’t need alcohol, and he didn’t get any time to paint. He did continue to handle the business, but mostly worked from home.

Despite all the precautions, of maintaining just the right temperature in her room, of bringing her just the right food at right temperature, of giving her only purified water boiled twice on top of purification, she had caught cold. And then pneumonia. The doctor visited her and shook his head helplessly. She was dying.

She also knew that. So, she finally decided to ask that one question that had hung unanswered between them.

“Can I ask you something, Mukundo Babu?”

“You don’t have to wait for my permission, Piyali.”

“Why did you let me get married?”

“I’m sorry,” his grief was apparent in his voice. If he had stopped her then, today she wouldn’t be on her death-bed.

“I am not blaming you, Mukundo Babu. Please don’t react like that.”

“What can I say, Piyali? What right did I have over you?”

“You had all the rights. You were scared of claiming them. Why?”

He sighed.

“I had read your diary once,” she confessed, “I know there was something that held you back. But I don’t know what it was. Tell me, please.”

“Thank you,” he said after a few moments of silence, “Thank you for asking. It’s not like I expect it to be any justification of what happened. But still… You should know. Whatever be my flaws…”

“Mukundo Babu. If it is something that will cause this self-loathing in you, that will give you pain, I don’t want to know it.”

“What does give me pain, Piyali, is seeing you here. Like this. Every other pain, whatever I had, has paled in comparison to this.”

She smiled sadly, “So, the only way I could rid you of pain was to give a bigger pain.”

“Did you lie to me when you said you had read my diary? Because if you had, you would know better. Ever since Ma died, the only thing that has kept me anything like a normal human has been you, the time I spent with you.”

“Her death was traumatic, wasn’t it?”

“Her death would have been sad, depressing. It was her murder that was traumatic.”

“Murder?” Piyali was surprised.

“You were hardly a few months old then. You wouldn’t know. But then, nobody knew. Even those who did, pretended not to. It was all in the family, after all.”

“What are you saying, Mukundo Babu?”

“It was my father who had killed her, Piyali. He was a drunkard. That day was no exception. He was pitch drunk. The room was locked from inside. But I was at the window looking through the glass. I banged on it. He didn’t hear. Or didn’t bother. Everything was hushed down afterwards. My grandfather was an expert at these things. This business wasn’t built with honest money. Although he was shrewd enough to clean it all up later.”

“I am sorry,” she whispered feeling horrified.

“It was a good thing Baba himself died a few months later. Otherwise, I am sure he would have died at my hands. My anger was overwhelming and dangerous.”

“Mukundo Babu!”

“I have the same blood in my veins, Piyali. I have a monstrous soul. I am a dangerous person.”

“I have never seen you getting aggressive, Mukundo Babu. Why would you think like that about yourself?”

He smiled weakly, “No. You have never seen my bad temper. It doesn’t show itself up before you.  Probably that is the reason your presence often made me want to become normal. But I was scared of what I was capable of being. The only difference between my father or grandfather and me was that I was aware of how dangerous I could be. Drinking and every other objectionable thing I did was a way to avoid facing and giving rise to the monster I felt within myself.”

“You have punished yourself for crimes you never committed. You have been unfair to yourself, Mukundo Babu.”

“I don’t know about that. But I have failed you miserably, Piyali.”

“No. Stop talking like that. If someone is at all at fault for my condition, it is probably Ma. But above everything else, it’s just my fate. Nobody is really responsible. And least of all, you.”

“You have never believed other people’s words against me, Piyali. It is no surprise that you don’t believe mine either.”

“Fate has not been kind to us in this birth Mukundo Babu. But in next one…”

“For your sake, I would start believing that there is a next birth.”

“And in this one, when I am gone Mukundo Babu,” Piyali said somberly, “Please don’t start drinking again. For my sake.”

He looked at her with moist eyes. He didn’t say anything, but the promise was understood.

“Will you,” she asked hesitantly after a pause, “kiss me once?”

He was startled; and overwhelmed; and it showed on his face. It looked like he was going to laugh and cry at the same time.

“Yes,” he managed to speak through his choking throat, “Willingly… And desperately.”

He bent down and at first just gave a quick, soft peck on her lips. Their eyes locked into each other and if there was anything unspoken remaining between them, it was all said in those few moments. Then he started bending down again. “No,” she whispered, “It’s dangerous.” “I can risk much more,” he replied and gently thrust his tongue in her mouth. She was physically weak and soon out of breath. So, he broke the kiss sooner than he would have liked. The blushing smile on her face made up for that though.

“There is something else I want to do,” he said in a hoarse voice.

“What?” she asked with some alarm.

“Paint you. Nude.”

She averted her eyes, “It’s too late, Mukundo Babu. I am too ugly to pose for you now.”

“When have I ever needed you to pose for me?” his reply was unhesitant, “And you are the most beautiful girl this world has ever seen. Never try to argue about that. Not with me.”

Tears started flowing from her eyes, but he gently wiped them off.

– The End –

A year passed this way and Debangi never tried to contact Piyali. Mukundo was angry, but Piyali begged him to keep quiet and not bother her in anyway. “Despite everything , she is my mother, Mukundo Babu. And Baba’s condition, Priyendra’s responsibility… She is under too much pressure.”

“If she didn’t treat you this way, she could have had your help. And mine!”

“She doesn’t think a daughter can be of any help,” Piyali had said sadly, “But you can help her.”

“Yes. I am not throwing your family out, Piyali. And beyond that, she doesn’t consider me good for anything anyway.”

Debangi was a simple woman. Almost too simple. She didn’t have much of a mind of her own. She believed and did what the customs of society dictated. To her credit, she had tried her best to look after Mukundo after his mother died, even though she herself had an infant Piyali to take care of. Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough. Twelve-year old Mukundo was battling with confusion, angst and low self-esteem. He needed someone to see through all of that and help him navigate through it. Debangi couldn’t do it. She watched helplessly as he developed such bad temper that everyone was scared of him. Except probably his grandfather. She did notice his attachment to Piyali though and found that when he was with her, it had positive, calming effect on him. She was fine with that; for next few years at least, until he grew up and found his own avenues for letting his angst and insecurities play out. Drinking, visiting prostitutes and escorts, staying out of home till late nights, even drugs once in a while, not to mention the short-temper that continued to wreck havoc. She tried to pull Piyali away from him then, but it was too late. He already held a magnetic attraction for her daughter! She was a servant. And after his father and grandfather’s death, Mukundo was the de-facto head of the house. She couldn’t say anything to him. But she developed a dislike for him, which she did not try to hide in her behavior and actions, even if she could not give words to it. His temper got more under control over time as the responsibilities of business fell on him and as he discovered art as a means of expressing himself. Piyail’s friendship continued to be his lifeline. Debangi’s dislike did not go away, however. He still drank, visited prostitutes and did suspicious things, according to her. Mukundo did not blame her for that. Not until he realized that her dislike for him had come in the way of Piyali’s wellbeing.

Mukundo had been bitter about her treatment of her daughter, but had agreed to Piyali’s request of not saying anything to her. Piyali would often ask him about her family. She didn’t usually ask directly about Debangi, but she did about her father and brother. “Your father is still in coma,” he would inform her every time. His condition refused to change. It neither got better, nor did it deteriorate. But not once did he hear any murmurs about Piyali in his house. Not from Debangi, not from any other staff.

So, he was extremely surprised when he found Debangi waiting for him one evening. “I need your help, Mukundo Babu,” she looked helpless, not like her usual assertive self. He got worried thinking that something might have happened to Piyali’s father. But that was not the case. “I need to find Piyali,” she said.

“Why?”

Mukundo hadn’t acted surprised by her request. He should have been. He had never been told that Piyali had left her home. But she was so engrossed in her own worries that she did not notice that.

“I have done so wrong by my child,” she said miserably. Then she narrated the story that he already knew by heart. About what had happened to Piyali after that fated blood report. She carefully omitted to tell him that they had accused him along with Piyali. He didn’t point that out either. What brought this sudden change in her feelings, he wondered while she talked. Soon enough she came to that. “Pronab is on death-bed. His illness was much advanced. He would have had it for four or five years at least. He couldn’t have gotten it from her,” she told him and broke down, “She was right all along Mukundo Babu. I didn’t believe her!” She also told him more about Pronab. His lifestyle had always been questionable. She never cared to find out before fixing the marriage.

Mukundo could not hide bitterness in his voice as he asked, “And you didn’t care to find out about her all these days?”

She shook her head guiltily.

“What do you want now?”

“Find her Mukundo Babu. You have the contacts, and resources. She is not at the place she had taken up at first. But my heart says she is not dead. She can’t be. Please find her. You have always cared so much about her…”

Mukundo wanted Debangi to suffer! Also, he wasn’t sure if it was up to him to reveal anything about Piyali. She herself would have to take that decision. So, he just told Debangi that he would see what he can do and left her.

He was already a little worried that day. Piyali wasn’t looking well after returning from the university. Medicines for AIDS were often highly experimental. They had often changed them in last one year to avoid side-effects.  The doctor had looked worried last time. He had confided in Mukundo that he was not happy with the situation. Medicines were not working as well as they should have. And she had looked extra tired today. He had stopped her from cooking and had ordered food. She’d have to skip university tomorrow. He’d take her to the doctor. Debangi could wait. If Piyali has suffered for so long for no fault of hers, Debangi could suffer for a few days for being so cruel and insensitive, for her bullheadedness.

—

Next morning Piyali looked like all energy had been drained out of her. Mukundo lost no time in taking her to the doctor.

“Admit her here for a few days. Her immune system is giving way. When outside, she needs to be extra careful,” the doctor told him grimly.

“You will be all right,” he told her as she lied on the hospital bed.

“I won’t be, Mukundo Babu. But that’s all right. I just wish…”

“Tell me.”

“I wish I could see Baba. He is now at home, right?” They had brought him home several months ago. There was no point in keeping him in the hospital. Debangi herself looked after him.

Mukundo sighed. He decided to tell her, “Mashi is trying to find you.”

“She is? How come?”

“She found out that Pronab was sick for several years.” He didn’t talk about him being on death-bed. That might bring her morale down.

“Take me home, Mukundo Babu.”

“A few days here and then we would go, okay? If you want I will get her here.”

She nodded.

“Do you want to talk to her now?”

“Yes,” she whispered as tears threatened her eyes.

He picked up her mobile that was lying on the nearby table. He had gifted it to her recently. “I will wait outside,” he said and made to leave, but she clutched his hands.

“Please stay,” she said.

She spoke to her mother, assured her that she was all right and was crying by the time she disconnected the call.

“Don’t cry,” his said gently, “Everything is all right.”

She nodded but still continued to cry. He wiped her tears with his hands and feeling overwhelmed himself, bent down and kissed her on forehead.  “Don’t cry. Please,” he whispered to her again. She heard what he hadn’t spoken. That it hurt him to see her cry. She made an effort and wiped off her remaining tears.

“Mukundo Babu,” she said after a while.

“Hmm?”

“I like it there. Staying in that house… Our house… Home…” He looked at her quizzically; so she continued, “Ma might want to take me back home. I miss her. I want to see Baba, meet Priyendra. But I… I like staying there…”

She had almost spoken his mind out. He liked it that she was reuniting with her mother and was happy about it. But he also had become used to having her to himself. If she went back with her mother, that would change again. It won’t be as bad as it was earlier. He wouldn’t have to wait for her to come to him and would be able to meet her freely. But it won’t be as good as it was now. He didn’t want anything to change. But he was unable to say anything about it. And then he had to leave her alone at nights in the apartment. As her condition deteriorated, that wouldn’t be a good idea. So, if she wanted to go back… But she had resolved his dilemma now. At least one part of it. She wanted to stay. He would be able to explain it to Debangi why she should stay.

“Me too,” he said with a smile, “But there is one problem which needs to be resolved.”

“What is it?” she asked anxiously.

“I am not comfortable with you staying there alone at nights. Something needs to be done.”

“I know the apartment is too small for you, Mukundo Babu. Still, could you stay with me?”

He stared at her in surprise. “With you there, that apartment is the world to me, Piyali. But are you sure?”

“I was sick last night, Mukundo Babu. At one point, it seemed like I could feel my death. And I realized, then, that I no longer cared for the world.”

Mukundo’s eyes moistened. He held her hands and kissed them one by one. “Leave the rest to me,” he said in a hoarse voice.

“And somewhere, deep down, I desperately wanted to prove to Ma that she had been wrong about me, about us. That is accomplished now. I don’t care any longer. Not even for her approval.”

They heard a knock at the door just then. A nurse came in and told them that they had visitors.

“Must be Mashi,” he told Piyali.

“Stay with me,” she said.

“Yes. I will. But let me check and escort her in.”

—

To be continued

“What? How?” Mukundo was shocked and could not help asking at this point. She didn’t know. What she did know, however, that she had donated blood while in college and had been tested earlier. So, this was a recent development.

“Must be Pronab then,” Mukundo said looking horrified.

“He refused to get tested. He claims that even if he has it, it would be because of me… Because I…”

“He is accusing you of cheating?” Anger rose in him again.

She nodded.

“What the hell. He is… Oh my God!” it suddenly dawned on him why she was so reluctant to talk. “With me?” He asked incredulously.

She nodded.

“He thinks I have AIDS?”

She just bit her lips.

“Because I go to bad women?” Suddenly he didn’t feel awkward discussing this with her.

“Mukundo Babu, please…”

“That’s why he threw you out, instead of helping and supporting you? He thought you were cheating? Why didn’t you tell Mashi?”

It turned out that Debangi didn’t trust Piyali either. She herself had suspected Piyali’s and Mukundo’s relationship. And that was one of the reasons she had jumped on the first chance to get her married. “She asked me to stay away, to not bring ill-name to the family. She didn’t want to ruin Priyendra’s prospects.”

“And that’s why she asked you to stay away from me too?” Mukundo asked with a chill in his voice.

She didn’t say anything, but it was obvious that the answer was a ‘yes’.

“That has been enough of nonsense,” he said in the same voice, “Pack up whatever you have to, and come with me.”

“I can’t,” she panicked, “I will not come with you Mukundo Babu. That would…”

“That would what? Why should you suffer for other people’s stupidities?”

“It would upset Ma. Baba is bedridden for months, Mukundo Babu.”

“If she doesn’t understand her own daughter…”

“It is also your reputation…”

“My reputation? What reputation do I have that I have to think of?”

“Think of mine, then,” she pleaded, “I can’t go back to the same people with this scandal on me. I don’t have that much courage, Mukundo Babu. And how will it all affect Priyendra? He is young. He shouldn’t get caught up in all this and get distracted.”

Mukundo sighed. That logic was irrefutable. “But I can’t let you stay here.”

“I’m fine with it.”

“I’m not. Until I make other arrangements, you will stay in a good hotel. Let’s go from here. This moment.”

“I need to inform the landlord. There is rent to be paid… And notice period”

“Give me his contact. I will arrange for his payments.”

“Mukundo Babu…”

“Time for pretenses is up, Piyali. I should never have let you get married. Look at what has happened. Irreversible damage has been done. But, it can’t continue like this. Let’s go. I don’t want to stay here for another moment.”

—

Mukundo had started painting again. Piyali was settled in a well-furnished two-bedroom apartment. She had left the teaching job she had picked up at a school and had joined the university for her post-graduation. “I know you have started to like teaching. But you also wanted to study, remember? Do your post-graduation and teach at a college. Who will stop you?” Mukundo had argued.

He had taken her to a specialist doctor.

“It has been diagnosed very early on,” the doctor was encouraging, “We do not have a cure for it yet. But with medicines, viruses can be kept in check and there are all the hopes that, with some precautions, she would live a normal life for many years to come.”

Mukundo had beamed at the assurance, even as Piyali had shifted uncomfortably in her chair. She knew that the treatment would be expensive and the doctor also mentioned that next.

“So long as it isn’t beyond the money I have, there is no need to be bothered about it,” Mukundo had replied firmly, “And even if it is so, just tell me. I will figure out where to get the money from.”

The doctor had chuckled at that. He knew Mukundo’s background, “No. It is very much within what you have, Mr. Thakur. But it is still substantial. So, I had to mention it.”

Mukundo had shrugged at that. Before they left, the doctor had stopped them to give one final piece of advice hesitatingly, “Medicines or no medicines, the danger of transmission is always there. So, you have to be careful about that.”

Piyali had turned red on hearing that. Mukundo had held her hand tight as he had replied, “We understand that, doctor. There is nothing to worry about.”

He spent most of his free time at her apartment, giving rise to more gossips amongst servants and neighbors, who wondered about his regular absence from his house. She had refused to have any house help here and he had respected that wish. It was good in a way. There was no danger of any news of her traveling back to Debangi and others back in the house and neighborhood. Piyali could live her life secluded from her earlier society as her mother wanted and as she herself wished. But she wasn’t living with any compromises at least.

She cooked every day. For herself as well as him. “I had no idea you cooked so well, Piyali,” he had told her the first time she cooked.

“Nothing surprising. Ma had been training me since I was thirteen!”

“You never cooked anything for me earlier.”

“Ma bothered me so much about it that I used to get annoyed. So, I never did it willingly. Although what you ate at home once in a while would have had something cooked by me.”

“Hmm…”

He often cleaned the house while she was at the university. She had been horrified the first time she had come back to squeaky clean house.

“Who did this?”

“I did!”

“You?” she was shocked, “Oh God! That’s… absurd Mukundo Babu. I would have done it. How can you…”

“I am fairly fit and fine, Piyali. I am not that old. I can do a bit of physical work,” he had joked.

“It’s not that. Mukundo Babu. If you are worried about my studies, fine. I will keep a house help. You have never lifted a finger all your life. Why would you…”

“Because I like it,” he had told her sincerely, “Because I want to make this place a home. Something I haven’t felt in a long time about any place. Not since Ma died anyway…” His voice had drowned.

“I’m sorry. Please don’t be sad,” she had urged.

He had smiled sadly, “Am I imposing myself on you?”

“No,” she had been overwhelmed, “If you like it, do it. But if you stop liking it, if you get tired, or if you find it to be drain on your time, please stop doing it. I am used to it and I can do it very easily.”

He hadn’t stopped doing it. Instead, she had gotten comfortable with the idea that he would work around the house. Slowly, she even started coming forward and asking him for help, when she felt tired or felt that she could use help.

They bought grocery together. He insisted that she should buy more dresses for herself. After initial hesitation, she had given in. She even got him a few new shirts and kurtas of her choice.

She had hung the painting on the wall. “You don’t have to keep it, Piyali,” he had said, “It must give you pain.”

“I don’t associate it with him, Mukundo Babu. You had given it to me. That is all that matters,” she had replied with a disarming smile.

Life had fallen in a rhythm. If someone watched them, they would have looked as good as a married couple. Except that he never stayed there at night. If someday her secret life and existence was to be revealed to anyone who knew her, they need not raise finger on her character. He wasn’t bothered about his own!

—

To be continued

“Why did you go to meet him?” Pronab demanded of her when they were preparing to go to bed.

“Whom?”

“Mukundo Thakur!” Don’t take his name, she wanted to cry. But she swallowed her bitterness.

“How could I come here and not meet him?” she said plainly.

“His character is well-known to everyone. Don’t forget that you are a married woman now.”

“He has always been my friend and guardian…” she retorted despite herself and was greeted with a slap. Back in Haldia, she wouldn’t have been surprised. Even if she managed to not provoke him the entire day, he got a kick out of slapping her in bed. But she hadn’t thought that he would do it here too! She was stunned into silence. He dragged her and pushed her on the bed. She bit her lips and tried to keep it noiseless. The servant quarter had a single bedroom and her mother and brother were sleeping in the hall right outside. What if they heard!

—

Her letter had come by post. It didn’t carry her name anywhere. His neither, except on the envelop with the address. “For my sake, if nobody else’s, please don’t drown yourself in alcohol. Please take care of your business and don’t let the artist in you die.” That was all it said.

After she had left the room with her brother, he had noticed the diary. It wasn’t where he had left it. When he picked it up, and flipped through it, it opened naturally to certain pages. The pages that had recently been read and where pages were pressed. And then on one page, he had noticed the stain. Of teardrops! That explained her changed behavior. She had read it all. She knew! And when that letter came, he had to pull himself together. She shouldn’t feel guilty for him. He hoped that Promila or Piyali’s mother or Priyendra, somebody will convey to her that his drinking was back to normal. And that she would be able to infer that he was attending to his business again. In fact, he was getting more involved than earlier. Because do what he may, inspiration for a painting would not come. What could he do with the time in hand, except attend to business? In few months time, it became known to the servants and the neighbors that he was going to office. They wondered and gossiped about what could have happened? Was he going to get married? To whom? They hoped it was not to one of those bad women he visited, and not to one of those strange ones he used to bring home.

—

Mukundo brought his car to a screeching halt at the bus stop. She recognized it and started walking away before he could pull the tinted windows down. Surprised and worried, he got out, without caring that he had left the car standing where a bus normally would.

“Piyali!” he shouted after her.

She had no option now. She stopped and turned to him. “Mukundo Babu!” she feigned a surprise. But she acted badly. He was sure she was trying to avoid him.

“What are you doing here?” he asked.

She fell silent.

“Are you with someone?” he asked next.

She shook her head.

“Get in the car,” he said.

She silently followed him. That was no place to avoid or explain.

Mukundo started driving towards home.

“Don’t drive to home, Mukundo Babu,” she requested.

“Where to, then?”

“Take a left at the next circle. I will tell you the way.”

It was then that he noticed. All the changes introduced in her by her marriage had reverted. She wore a salwaar-kameez, had her hair in a pony tail like earlier and there was no sign of sindoor. It was all so mysterious. But he decided to wait with his questions, until they had reached someplace they could talk. It had been nine months since her visit home. What was she doing in Kolkata alone? And why would she not go home?

The car had to be left at the main road. The streets of the slum area were not wide enough for it. Mukundo’s heart sank as she led him through those stinky, narrow streets to a three-storied, dilapidated building. They climbed up the stairs and finally entered a house on the second floor. It was just a small room, that served as the bedroom, kitchen, dining as well as the living area. The painting he had given to her stood out as the only adornment the walls had. There was no furniture in the room, only a thin mattress covered with a clean, but old bedsheet. He could not see any bathroom. Everyone in that building, or at least that floor, must be sharing one. Even in his servant quarters, Piyali was used to much more comfortable living. And after marriage, it must have been better. What was going on here? Something drastic for sure. And she hadn’t told him! Hurt and anger surged through him at the same time. But he kept his outward reaction in control. Don’t let the monster rise in you, he told himself, not now, not before her!

“I will make some tea,” she said wanting to avoid discussion for as long as possible.

“We can get tea outside, if you need it. Sit down, Piyali. And tell me what is going on,” he seated himself on the mattress hoping that if he acted relaxed, she would relax too.

“I have left his house.”

“Your choice?”

She shook her head.

“How long has it been?”

“Little over a month.”

“Why didn’t you come home?”

She stood silent.

“Does Mashi know?”

She nodded.

“She asked you to keep away?”

She answered with a nod again.

“What the hell, Piyali,” he got up from the mattress and came near her, “Why did I not know? I may never have said it in so many words. But was it not understood that you could always come to me? In fact, you should have,” he emphasized ‘should’. “You owed that much to me,” he finally added. She knew all about him. She had read his diary. She had sent him the note asking him to pull himself together, showing that she cared and she was not disgusted.

“If I came to you,” she said in a quivering voice, “It would only have given credit to their accusation.”

“What accusation? What has happened?”

She shook her head, not wanting to talk.

“That won’t do. That won’t do at all. You have to talk to me.”

“Why did you come after me?” she started crying, “You shouldn’t have.”

“Why did I come after you?” he was offended, “You know very well why I did. And I didn’t come after you until I thought that you were settled in your own life, did I? Even though I had my doubts. But now? With this?” He pointed at the room with a sweep of his hands. “You are asking why I came after you? What would you do in my place? Don’t do this to me, Piyali. For God’s sake. Talk. Tell me what has happened. What accusation were you talking about? Did it have to do something with me?”

Her shoulders stooped. She was giving in to his insistence, even as she continued to cry. He held her and led her to the mattress. He made her sit on it and held her hands. “No matter what happens, till I am alive, you are not alone. I am sorry that I left you to your own devices all these months. I thought it was for your welfare. I was wrong. But don’t punish me for it, please. Talk to me.”

A blood donation camp was organized in the town. Piyali had wanted to donate and thankfully Pronab did not stop her. He went with her. The blood was to go in the blood bank only after testing it. There was an option for donors to receive the blood reports for free. Piyali had opted for it. When the report came, her life fell apart. She was HIV positive.

—

To be continued

Mukundo was alarmed on seeing the door open. Nobody was allowed in that room! And Piyali was no longer around.

“Who is it?” he asked sternly as he entered. And then he stopped in his tracks. It looked like he didn’t even breathe for several moments. Her appearance had changed substantially after marriage. Her hair was parted in the middle and tied in a single pigtail at her back. Earlier, she mostly left it open or tied it a ponytail, and it was always parted on the side. A thick line of sindoor was visible in her parting. Girls these days didn’t wear sindoor that prominently. But apparently she did! She was also wearing a saree. He didn’t remember seeing her in one except for some stage performance once in a while. Despite all that, even in the badly lit room, he could not mistake her! “Piyali!” Words barely came out of his throat, when he did finally speak.

“How are you, Mukundo Babu?” Piyali tried to converse normally.

What he did next, startled her, but it could no longer surprise her. He took long, urgent strides towards her and hugged her. She didn’t remember when it was last that he had even touched her. Not since she was twelve probably. That was all she could do to stop herself from reacting. She broke into sobs again.

“What happened?” he got worried. He broke the hug and held her by her upper arms, “What’s wrong, Piyali? Is something the matter?”

She wiped her tears and replied with a lie, “I was just overwhelmed to be back.”

He took a deep breath and calmed himself down. “When did you come?” he asked after releasing her from his grip.

“It has been an hour or so.”

“Your… husband?”

She could feel the pain and hesitation in his voice. “He is also here,” she replied in a small voice, which he attributed to her recent crying. “We will go back tomorrow afternoon.”

“So soon?”

“He doesn’t have any leaves left after the wedding. We will have to go back.”

“And our lover boy can’t leave you behind. I am happy Piyali, that you are happy.”

She just gave a small smile in reply. Her inner turmoil after reading his diary was almost giving her physical pain. She was unable to decide how to react. She was trying hard to behave just the way she had planned to before she read that cursed diary. What all had she thought of talking to him about? She tried to think hard and finally blurted out.

“Won’t you like to meet Pronab, Mukundo Babu?” she asked him about her husband, as he made to switch on the tubelight. Now that she had already cried before him, she didn’t care how her face would look.

As the room lighted up, she could notice the split second stiffening of his face.  She regretted asking this. But he turned back to her with a smile. “You have so little time. I am sure Mashi would want to have her jamai to herself so that she can feed him well. I won’t intrude.” He would have liked to say a plain, simple ‘No’. But he tried hard to be reasonable for Piyali’s sake.

What else had she thought of telling him? She was going to complain to him about not trying to contact her. But she didn’t have the heart now. She stood there in awkward silence.

“You… look different,” he broke the silence finally.

She chuckled slightly, “Must be the saree.”

“No. No. That I had imagined you very well in!” Yes. He could imagine her perfectly in a bridal dress. He must be able to imagine her in a saree, then. “It’s something else. Tell me honestly, Piyali, you are happy, right?”

She sighed. What could she honestly tell him? She herself didn’t know. She didn’t know how to feel about the situation where she hadn’t been able to visit her mother for two months. Haldia was not that far. The reason was that her husband was not willing to let her go without him. And even now, he wouldn’t let her stay for even one full day. Her mother told her that she should be happy that he loved her so much. “Women all over the world have only one worry. What if their husbands stopped loving them? You are so lucky. And what is a mother’s house to a married daughter? Nothing. It is now that you can think of visiting within months. In our days, years went by and the daughters never came back to mother’s home. In some cases they never came back for the rest of their lives.” She should feel lucky. Probably! But what about him being paranoid all the time? He didn’t like it if she as much as stepped outside the house in his absence. “Why do you want to go out, if he doesn’t want it? Take care of your home. You are lucky that you don’t have to slog to earn your keep,” her mother would argue. “There are all kinds of people in this town, Shona. I won’t be able to bear it if they so much said something bad about you.” “Shona! He called her Shona. A term of endearment. But for some reason, she cringed at it. He never noticed. Not even in the bed, where her reaction was no match to his passion. She just went through the motion, while he whispered all kinds of things in her ears. Some sweet nothings, some suggestive stuff, and some outright lewd things – turning her off even further. He didn’t notice. But he could not keep his hands off her. Even when they stepped out, he kept her close, often with his hands around her shoulder or waist. Everyone found it romantic that he was smitten with her and the few friends that she did manage to make teased her constantly about it. She smiled and blushed dutifully. But despite what everyone said, she didn’t feel lucky. Should she feel lucky that he wouldn’t even let her choose her clothes? He loved her so much! “I like you in sarees. And why shouldn’t you wear your sindoor well? The world should know that you are mine.” And he also didn’t like her open hair, or her ponytail. That made women look ‘available’ according to him. She would have liked to ask Mukundo Babu if she should feel lucky, and happy. But could she?

“I am fine, Mukundo Babu,” she said outwardly. Non-committal, but also non-alarming.

He looked hard at her. She felt like he would see right through her. She averted her eyes, and turned her head slightly away, in the process exposing the side of her neck to him. He noticed the scar.

“What is it?” he asked suspiciously.

“What?” she didn’t realize what he had noticed.

“That scar on your neck?”

She was flustered for a moment.  “What? Nothing… This was… I had stumbled once and… a door had a sharp edge…”

“A door? It hurt your neck? And also this?” he had noticed another one on the inside of her arm and pointed at that.

Damn! Pronab called them a sign of his love. If he lost his temper, if he hit her, it was because he loved her so much, cared for her so much. These marks seemed to make him happy. He was happy even to nurse them. “If you won’t act so childishly, I won’t lose my temper, would I? But you understand that now, don’t you, Shona? Huh? Tell me,” he would ask while putting a band-aid or antiseptic cream on her wounds. She would mumble a ‘yes’ to avoid enraging him again. “Of course. And you know, how much I love you, don’t you? I had to convince my parents to go to your mother for this match. Who has ever heard of boy’s family doing it? You are so precious to me. I will never let anybody lay eyes on you.” But he would do whatever he liked with her! She hadn’t told her mother about the physical assaults. What if Debangi told her that that was normal too. She would lose all hopes, then. She didn’t know what exactly she was hoping for; but whatever it was, she didn’t want to lose it.

“It’s an old house Mukundo Babu. And I am very accident-prone. But I am learning to navigate my way,” she stepped away as she said that with a hint of labored humor in her voice and a forced smile on her lips. She didn’t want him noticing anything else. She herself had stopped keeping track of small, little wounds. And her mother seemed blissfully unaware.

“Piyali…”

“Enough about me. What have you painted new?”

“Nothing,” he sighed.

“Promila Kaki told me you have been drinking non-stop.”

“What is the news in that?”

“More than usual.”

“I am the same, Piyali.”

“Why no paintings in two months, then?”

“Inspiration didn’t strike. It happens.”

“Have you been attending board meetings?” she didn’t know that he hadn’t been. But something told her that he wasn’t all right. So, she asked.

He looked surprised at her question and then could not lie. “No.”

“Promila Kaki is right then. Please don’t do this, Mukundo Babu,” her voice quivered. It was all because of her!

Mukundo looked at her puzzled. There was something in the way she spoke that he couldn’t quite explain. But before either of them could say anything else, they heard a knock on the door. Priyendra was there. Debangi was looking for Piyali and was getting furious. Piyali followed him, not wanting to create a scene while Pronab was around.

—

To be continued

That was the last he had seen her in two months. After she had gone out, he had slumped back in a chair and buried his head in his hands. He had let the tears flow out of his eyes. Not a manly thing to do and especially embarrassing at his age. But who was there to witness it? Why should he care? Then he had looked at all of her paintings he had made in last twenty years. There was at least one for each year of her life. Probably he should pack them all up and send them off with her. But… He couldn’t do that. He figured that those would be his lifeline from then on. For as long as he was cursed to live.

His drinking had become more pathological, he had even skipped the board meetings for last two months and he hadn’t painted anything new. He had tried bringing in models – old and new. He had tried reading for inspiration. He had tried his favourite haunts in the city for that. Nothing worked! Now even his beloved room felt suffocating to him. Frustrated, he got up and decided to take a walk in the garden.

—

Piyali entered the room with feelings she could not comprehend. Never before in her life had she stayed away from this room for more than three days. Two months! If she could, she would never get out of it again. She would roll up in one corner and sleep off. Peacefully!

He wasn’t there. He didn’t know she was coming. Else he would have waited for her. Or would he have? After running away from her wedding like that! It was obvious that he wasn’t happy about her wedding. But he did nothing to stop it. He didn’t even ask her to stop it. If he had said it even once…  And he didn’t try to contact her in these two months either. She looked around the familiar room. Nothing had shifted from it place since the last time she was here. There wasn’t even a new canvas around. In such a situation, one unfamiliar thing could not help catching her eye. There was a diary lying on the table. Curious, she picked it up. As soon as she turned the page, she realized that it was his personal diary. Manners dictated that she shouldn’t read it. But she could not stop herself. She leafed through the pages. There were some short entries about the business. In some others he had detailed in words some inspiring scenes. Piyali could relate them to some of the paintings he had drawn later. And then she noticed references to a woman. Always in pronouns. “She”, “her”, never a name.

“Her expressive eyes. Can I ever get them right in a painting?”

“She makes me want to be normal. To love, to marry, to have a family. But no. I can’t. Because seeing her also fuels passion. And passion can become dark soon. Very soon. Especially when violence is in your blood. If it was only my conscience I had to fight, I would have taken a chance. But how can I take a chance with her? If I become the monster I am capable to becoming, what would happen to her?”

What was he talking about? And whom?

Piyali flipped through until she found a reference to “her” again.

“’Why don’t you sell any of my paintings?’ she wanted to know.” Piyali forgot to draw breath as she read that. It was her! “What should I have told her when she asked if those paintings were not good enough? Should I have told her that once, only once, had my agent gotten a glimpse of one of her paintings. ‘Mr. Thakur,’ his eyes had shone greedily, ‘Where have you been hiding this gem?’ I had to curtly tell him that it was personal and not for sale. How disappointed had he been! But I could not tell her that. She asks uncomfortable questions these days. This one would have opened a can of worms. I just told her what I had told the agent. That I consider them personal. That I never tried to sell them. I did not tell her that I cannot imagine sharing her with anyone. Even if it is a painting. How could I have told her that? It is such a foolish thing to wish for. She won’t remain with me forever. She can never become mine. Why burden her with my impossible wishes! She must live her life, and live it well.”

Tears welled up in Piyali’s eyes. What would it have taken for him to give her the wedding present then? Anyone else would have been surprised to see the painting. He had painted her, in her wedding attire. How could he do that without ever seeing her in the dress? Others would have wondered. She didn’t. He had always painted her like that. He had never asked her to pose. She had never thought much about it. But it dawned on her now that how extraordinary it was. It was as if all her features, all her expressions were itched perfectly in his memory. That painting in the wedding attire… She could see her anxiety and confusion reflected perfectly in the facial expressions he had given to her. Did he understand her feelings? If he did, why didn’t he talk to her even once? Or was it his own anxiety and confusion that he had painted on her face?

“And as if the monster in me is not enough of a problem, I can’t help feeling how perverse it would sound to anyone. She is so young! She has grown up before me. I was twelve when she was born. What business do I have having such feelings for her?”

A lump formed in her throat. She flipped through some more pages. And then she came across the entry after which she could not stop the tears from flowing down her eyes.

“’Why not me?’ she asked. How innocently does she torture me? I shooed her away. I couldn’t have told her that if I ever saw or painted her nude, I would not be able to do it with an artist’s eyes. I will see her with a lover’s eyes. And then… All hell will break loose.”

She started sobbing. She didn’t have the heart to read more. What would he have written about her wedding? It was bad enough to make him run away on that day. She couldn’t read it.

She heard some footsteps approaching the room. He must be coming back. And her face must be all puffed up from crying. She reached out for the tubelight switch. She had switched it on while picking up the diary. He wouldn’t find it odd if it were switched off. That’s how he had left it. It was just getting dark. There was enough light in the room to not make it necessary to switch the lights on. And it was dark enough so that he won’t notice her swollen face.

—

To be continued

“Mukundo Babu?” she found him waiting for her at her college gate was taken by surprise. It had been three days since their last meeting. It was very rare for her to not go to him even for one day. The only times she did avoid him was when she would pretend to be angry with him for something. But in those cases within couple of days, she would still be back and wait in his room for him to start reconciliation. That was not the case this time…

“I was coming back from the board meeting. So, I thought I would pick you up on the way.”

Despite what most of his servants and neighbors thought, Mukundo wasn’t ignoring his family business. He didn’t take part in day to day management. But despite his drinking, and visits to the escorts, and the habit of bringing ‘strange’ women home, he did keep an eye on what was going on in the business. As the largest shareholder he took his board duties seriously. Except for attending monthly board meetings, and other occasional meetings, he did not go to the office regularly though. And people assumed that he didn’t care; and was only living off what his grandfather had built and earned; and was wasting time in paintings no one had seen or cared about. He didn’t bother correcting them. He didn’t want to. He was happy being left alone. He didn’t even tell them that his paintings sold. They sold at pretty good prices. But under a pseudonym. He didn’t want to be visible to the world. It was bothersome dealing with people, judging them, correcting them… He didn’t want to do any of that. The only person who knew anything about him was Piyali. She had known since her childhood. And somehow, since early on, she had learned to keep it to herself. A little, pleasant secret of her own!

Presently she didn’t say anything and followed him to his car. After they had started driving, she spoke, “Board meeting usually happens in the first week of the month.”

He was caught. He was lying! He had come only to see her. It was ridiculous to come all the way to her college to see her. But at home, he couldn’t ask anyone. Both her parents worked in his house. Her mother as a cook, and her father as a driver. They stayed in the servant quarters attached to his bunglow. So, if he asked his mother, she wouldn’t be able to rebuff him. But she would frown, and everything in her facial expressions and body language would tell him how unwelcome his queries about Piyali were. Most of the time he wouldn’t be bothered with such behavior. But when it concerned her, he couldn’t tolerate it. He would react. And that cannot be good for anyone. So, the only way out was to not talk about her before anybody. When she did not come back to him after their last meeting, he grew anxious. He was left with no option, but to find her outside the house, in her college.

“You are angry at me,” he said.

“Me?” she almost jumped out of her seat, even within the confines of the seat-belt.

“Ummhmm… I haven’t seen you for last three days.”

“I thought… you were angry at me,” she said in a small voice.

“Don’t be silly, Piyali.”

Her heard her let out a breath. She had been anxious. As anxious as him! It felt good.

—

“So! Big girl, eh? Getting married?” he put up a brave face and teased her about the news. She had just finished her final year exams. Mukundo was returning from a visit to his agent, when he had found Debangi excited distributing sweets amongst all the house staff.

“What is going on?” he had asked.

“There is great news Mukundo Babu,” Debangi today was cheerful even before him, “God bless the girl! Piyali’s marriage has been fixed.”

Mukundo had gotten the shock of his life. Piyali? Married? Already? But he had managed to respond appropriately, “Congratulations Mashi.”

She had taken care of him as a young boy, when his mother was alive, and after she had died. She herself was fairly young then. But he used to call her Mashi. Any bonds of affection had long been broken. The way of addressing had still lingered on.

While picking up a Shondesh from the packet Debangi had offered him, his eyes had fallen on Piyali. She was standing near the kitchen door, look pale and anxious. He did not eat the Shondesh and walked away to his room. Waiting for her to come.

And when she came, he didn’t know what to say or do. So, he had tried to hide behind the humour which would be considered natural under the circumstances.

“You look happy?” she merely said that in response.

“What is the hurry, Piyali?” he shed the façade and asked her miserably. She had always wanted to study further, to get a job, to be independent. And he had encouraged her to. He had financed her education. In one of the best schools in Kolkata. To avoid gossips, he had done that for her younger brother too. Unlike him though, she had done very well in school and got admission and scholarship to one of the most sought after college in the city. And then there was her dance. Something she was devoted to. What would all of it come to? Nought?

“Since Baba’s illness, Ma can’t think of anything else. She can’t focus on Priyendra’s future if I am sitting at home.”

Right! Every Indian mother’s worry. Daughter’s marriage. And a concern for her son’s future if the daughter is not sent away at the earliest. He found it ridiculous. But that couldn’t change other people’s concerns. Debangi would act on hers. And apart from the issue of seeing him, Piyali was an obedient daughter. She wouldn’t defy her.

Mukundo knew exactly what he had to do if he wanted to save her from the potential disaster. But he wouldn’t be able to do that. He just did not have the confidence. He couldn’t be a good husband, or a good family man. His grandfather wasn’t. He still shuddered to think of how violent and abusive a man he was. Thankfully not towards his grandson. But otherwise…  And then his father. It was witnessing his father’s most cruel act that had been Mukundo’s undoing.

“Who is the boy?” he asked presently.

“A senior from college. Apparently he…”

“Apparently he?”

“He had noticed me in the college and wanted to… He sent his parents…”

“What does he do?”

“He is an upper division clerk. He stays in Haldia.”

“What? Haldia? You are going away from Kolkata,” he looked crestfallen.

She just nodded.

Feeling miserable was going to be of no use. He shouldn’t make her feel bad about it. It was a question of her life’s happiness. Since he could not change anything, he should at least try to ensure that she was satisfied and hopeful. Her life need not become a disappointment like his own.

“Don’t look so sad, Piyali. Obviously, he loves you. I’m sure he will support you too. In all your dreams. You will be happy.”

—

“Where are you going?” Piyali was panting as she entered his room. She must have been informed just then!

“To Delhi. My agent wants me to meet someone.”

“When will you be back?”

“I don’t know. It might take a couple of weeks.”

“You won’t be attending the wedding?”

He smiled. A sad; and a brave smile! “Here is your wedding gift,” he handed her a rectangular wrapped package.

“I am not asking about the gift,” she cried in anger.

“Piyali…” he didn’t scold her for being impertinent; just tried to calm her down by gently calling her name.

“Your work can’t wait a week?” she asked miserably.

He looked away for a moment before answering her, “I am afraid, no. But that doesn’t mean that my wishes and blessings are not with you. Here. Take this. And open it after your wedding. Okay?”

She took the package with trembling hands and tearful eyes. She did not answer or acknowledge his question and walked out.

—

To be continued