Mish' Fiction

“Rupali. This will change things for you. Your feelings and your decision about me may change. And I will respect that. But trust me; I had no intention of keeping you in dark. I just thought you knew.”

“What is it?”

“I’m indeed married. And my wife is in a mental health facility for more than eight years now.”

“Mental health facility?”

“Yes. And I have tried my best to be good to her. To take care of her. I intend to do so in future too.”

Rupali did not say anything. All of this was too much to digest. Paritosh explained further, “I had accepted my fate. I did not hope, did not wish for any happiness in my life. Except whenever you came in my life.”

“Whenever?”

“Yes. Whenever. Nine years ago, as a student. Then again, six months ago, as a colleague.”

“Nine years ago, you…”

“Yes. I know it sounds so… inappropriate. And…”

“You disliked me so much back then. You almost hated me.”

“I never hated or disliked you, Rupali. I had to work hard to pretend to ignore you. And… But that’s not important right now. You know my situation now. I am married, not yet divorced. Didn’t feel the need to go through with this motion earlier. Amrit, my wife, has no hope of recovering ever. She is getting worse day by day. In fact, it was when her condition got impossible for me to manage that I had to admit her to the facility. I don’t have the heart to tell you all the details now. You can read your mother’s case study. But all said and done, Rupali, this is my life. It is not clean, not pleasant. And you don’t have to accept it. I’m sorry that it came up so late. All I have to say in my defense that I genuinely believed that you knew.”

“Mom knows everything?”

“Yes.”

“And why is it that both of you know everything and I have to discover it on my own – much later. I hate you!” Rupali said and stormed off.

Paritosh looked after her, sad and disappointed. He realized that in a very twisted way, this news had brought back the pain that she had felt when she got to know about her mother’s illness.

Mouli came in soon after Rupali left, “What happened, Paritosh?”

“She is angry that I did not tell her. And justly so.”

“Don’t give up on her, Paritosh. She will come around.”

“I have hurt her. Yet again.”

“I’m sorry. This time it is my fault too. The confusion was between us, and it ended up hurting her. But that doesn’t mean she should hurt herself even more by not letting her anger go.”

Rupali walked back in right then.

“Mom? What’s going on?”

“Rupa,” Mouli turned to her daughter and spoke emphatically, “I can explain to you what had happened and why you didn’t know about all of this earlier. But there is an alternative. And the alternative is that you let Paritosh explain the same thing and put your trust in him. If today, I need to step in to build that trust, this man standing here may never ever feel confident of your trust in him. So, you have to choose now. Do you want to listen to him and trust him? Or would you have me explain and lose that chance of building that trust forever?”

“Mrs. Banerjee. Please don’t put her on the spot like this,” Paritosh intervened, when he saw Rupali looking stunned at her mother’s reaction.

“No, Paritosh. She has to be put on the spot. This is one moment where she has to take the responsibility. If she chooses right, I think you can take her responsibility for the rest of her life. But this moment in hers. I know I messed up. But not to that extent that she has to spoil her life. Tell me, Rupa.”

“Mom please!” Seeing her mother getting worked up made Rupali too anxious to respond coherently.

Against his wish, Paritosh intervened again, “She will talk to me. Won’t you Rupali? Please.” His eyes pleaded with him to say ‘yes’.

“Yes. Yes Mom. I will talk to him. Please calm down.”

“Rupali, take her back to her room. She needs rest,” Paritosh said.

“No. Both of you stay here. I can manage,” Mouli said and left them alone once again.

Rupali and Paritosh waited until she had left. Then they looked at each other.

“Rupali. Will you talk to me?” he asked sincerely.

“I just said I will.”

“I made you say that,” he smiled weakly, “Mrs. Banerjee was getting so worked up. But Rupali. How much ever we talk, things are not going to change. I am burdened with my past, and scarred by it. You don’t need to be a part of it. And you have possibilities… options….”

Tears filled up in her eyes, “You think Rohan and I…”

“He is a great guy.”

“Sure. For someone else. Not for me. And I have told him that.”

“Rupali! You shouldn’t… needn’t limit yourself because of me… Fact is that I had often wondered earlier too.”

“Earlier too? I… What did I do to–”

“I am not blaming you, Rupali. There is nothing wrong if–”

“But you are, Dr. Khanna; you are blaming me. I am not interested in him. And I am not going around looking for options. I rejected him this afternoon, even when I was convinced that I could have no future with you. What will it take for you to trust me? That was not the reason I behaved the way I did. I am truly embarrassed that I treated you like that without talking to you. But it wasn’t because of–” she choked on her words.

“I am sorry,” he came close to her and held her hands, “Seeing you so distant, I felt incredibly insecure. And the lens of insecurity turns the meaning of everything upside down. Every little thing, him knowing you since childhood, same university, the general camaraderie between the two of you, innocent things became meaningful for me. Don’t take it to heart, Rupali. I misinterpreted your behavior because I didn’t know what was causing it.”

“I know. I had come back to apologize, Dr. Khanna. And to talk to you. But seeing Mom like that had me terrified.”

“Come here. Sit down,” Paritosh said and then explained the source of the misunderstanding. He told her about him meeting Mouli for her research. How he assumed that she would have told Rupali. But she, on her part, had exercised discretion and had not told Rupali anything because he wanted to keep the matter away from his colleagues.

“I’m sorry. I should have talked to you,” Rupali said finally.

“Don’t blame yourself. It was a big misunderstanding. I should not have assumed things. Now can we both forget about it and forgive each other? Can you still accept me?”

“Don’t embarrass me with such questions, Dr. Khanna. And don’t be so humble, please. I will probably tell you someday what exactly it means to me. But today, I don’t have powerful enough words to express myself. So, just accept my acceptance as it is.”

“I absolutely accept you and everything about you as it is.”

“But tell me honestly. You had lied about… about liking me even earlier. I mean nine years ago? You really hated me then.”

His genuine reply surprised her, “Back then, I tried hard to hide my real feelings. So, if you did not come to know about them, I would think I was successful there. But hate you? Impossible! Why me, who can ever hate you?”

“You have forgotten all about it then.”

“I haven’t forgotten a single thing about you.”

“We will see about that. But for now, let’s go and see Mom. She was so worked up. She needs to be calmed down.”

“Okay.”

—

To be continued

“Paritosh! How nice. Weren’t you supposed to come back tomorrow?” Mouli was lucid.

“Yes. But the last day of the seminar was cancelled. So, I came back.”

“That’s great. Where is Rupa?”

“She is still at the institute. I came to meet you.”

“Of course. I am so happy to see you. A week these days feels like years to me. So much changes. I have gotten so much worse that I was a week back. I hope you don’t have to travel much in the days to come, Paritosh. Rupa gets completely lost without you. She has been miserable recently.”

Paritosh sighed. Her misery was not because she missed him. It was probably the dread of seeing him again. But he would put her out of her misery. If she was regretting her decision to be with him, she needn’t be.

“She went out with friends over the weekend, and yet it looked like she was more annoyed than happy about it,” Mouli added.

“Friends? Sunidhi?”

“Yes. Sunidhi. And that friend of hers. Aditya. Then there was Rohan. You would know him, right?”

“I do. How do you know him?”

“Used to know his parents long time ago. He and Rupa had gone to the same school for a while. He has visited once in a while with Rupa.”

“Hmm… Anyway. Don’t worry about her, Mrs. Banerjee. She’d do all right.”

“I am not worried. With you–”

“With me, or without me, she would be fine.”

“Paritosh. What are you talking about?”

He stayed silent for a while. Should he bother Mouli about it? Who was he going to talk to? His heart was breaking into thousand pieces. It was one thing to suppress his love, his emotions on his own accord. It was another to have it trampled upon by the one he loved.

“Paritosh. Is something the matter, son?”

That motherly concern encouraged him to open up. “I think she has been having second thoughts about our relationship, Mrs. Banerjee. And I don’t blame her for that. I had always been worried about our compatibility. And–”

“Paritosh! What are you… Look. I know she has a past. And it might make you nervous. But she is not fickle, Paritosh.”

His eyes became moist, “I won’t ever think of her in such terms, Mrs. Banerjee. She is… she is going through more than what I would ever want her to go through. And I was happy to be by her side. But this relationship was a mistake. It is better if you also accept this. Don’t tell her anything, please. Don’t try to make her feel guilty or anything. I know how to let go.”

“If what you feel is true, Paritosh, don’t be a saint. I will find out from her, of course. But if she does this to you–”

“Don’t! Don’t say anything you will regret. She might come back anytime now. I will go home now, Mrs. Banerjee. I haven’t been there at all since landing. Please take care.”

—

“Rupa.” Mouli came to the hall to find her daughter slumped on the sofa looking miserable.

“Mom?” she was alarmed, “Why did you get up. Nurse is there if you need something. Or you could call me.”

“I am fine, Rupa.  But why are you so upset?”

“No, Mom. I am fine. Why would I be upset?”

“I am not that weak already that you can’t tell me about your problems. What is going on? Have you been missing Paritosh?”

Rupali stayed silent.

“It is something else. Tell me, my child. My speculations are depressing these days. I might assume the worst.”

“I made a mistake again Mom.”

“What mistake?”

“You too were wrong this time, Mom. Dr. Khanna…”

“What about him?”

“He is married and is now divorcing his wife.”

“Did he tell you?” Mouli asked. She was surprised on two counts. That Rupali did not know about it. And that she should react like this.

“No. I was at his place the day before he left. For dinner. And I found the divorce papers lying on his table. Must be because of me. This is horrible, Mom. I don’t want to be the other woman, the home-breaker.”

“Did you talk to him?”

Rupali shook her head.

“You should.”

“Mom. All this is so wrong. I don’t know what to do, what to say.”

“Rupa. I can intervene, but this really isn’t for me to do. This is something you must do yourself. You cannot run away from things. You must sit down like adults and talk it out. Do you understand me?”

Rupali suddenly felt very irritated, “Yeah. I understand you. You are trying to make sure that I can mend by heart-breaks on my own after you, right?”

“Don’t talk like that Rupa,” Mouli got tears in her eyes, although she tried to control them.

“Oh God! I am sorry, Mom. I’m so sorry. I will talk to him right away. Please don’t cry. Please. I am going to meet him.”

—

Paritosh looked dishevelled when he opened the door for her. He stepped aside to let her in. Rupali looked around the house and felt a heart-wrenching sadness.  The other night she had come in thinking about how all of this would be a part of her life sometime soon. And now…

“Sit down,” he broke the silence with polite words.

“I’m fine,” she replied trying hard to keep her voice cold, and not quivering.

“I had read the note.”

“What note?” Rupali had completely forgotten about it.

“Rohan’s note. Mistakenly thinking that I had the right. But you must go where your heart leads you.”

“You are accusing me of cheating?”

“Rupali!” his hurt was evident in his voice, “I am not accusing you. I just want to tell you the truth. Your happiness is most important. And if it lies in Rohan, I am not going to hold you back.”

“Stop it, Dr. Khanna. Don’t say those grand things. Don’t make it about my happiness. Let’s just stick to the basics. Don’t divorce your wife because of me. I can’t have that on my conscience.”

“What are you… How else… Wait! You… you didn’t know that I was married?”

“How could I? You should… That was the reason behind all your hesitations, wasn’t it? You should have come out clean, Dr. Khanna. You should have told me the truth. I might have been love-struck. But I am not so selfish that–”

“Wait. Rupali. Don’t jump to conclusions. We… we need to talk. Let’s go to your home–”

“Why my home? Tell me whatever–”

“Your mother needs to be in this conversation.”

“What has Mom got to do with any of this? I really don’t want to involve her further in this mess.”

“We must go. Are you driving?”

She gave up, “Fine!”

—

“I don’t understand you, Mrs. Banerjee. You hadn’t told her anything. And you encouraged me to… Why would you do that?”

“Paritosh. You didn’t want your colleagues to know. And I was just being discreet as you had asked me to. That’s why I did not tell her.”

“But afterwards? When you knew about…”

“In a relationship there is no place for a third person, Paritosh. I’m sorry that that there has been a misunderstanding. But I think it is better that you two learn to deal with these misunderstandings and learn to communicate on your own. It’s better to know how to sort out such issues right now, rather than later in your relationship.”

“Is someone going to tell me what the matter is?” Rupali interrupted sharply.

“Tell her, Paritosh,” Mouli said and left them alone.

Paritosh sighed and said, “Sit down Rupali. Please.”

She obliged.

—

To be continued

They went a live music concert the day before Paritosh was to leave for the conference. After the concert, he surprised her by offering to cook dinner.

“Cook dinner? You know how to?”

“I may not be a great cook, but I think I can arrange a decent dinner.”

“Okay. But this is a gesture I cannot return. I can’t cook. Baking cookies was a one-time thing.”

“Don’t bother about that. But I’m surprised. Didn’t you cook in the US?”

“Yeah. I can put some spices and salt with rice in a pressure cooker and boil it.”

They both laughed at that and he drove to his home.

The evening had been pleasant, but at the dinner table Paritosh noticed a change in Rupali. She was fidgeting and looked disturbed.

“What happened, Rupali?”

“Nothing. What would happen?”

He did not push her further during the dinner. But he brought it up again after they were done, because despite trying hard, she was unsuccessful in hiding her discomfort.

“Something is wrong, Rupali. And I expect you to trust me with your problems. Tell me now, please.”

“Drop me home. I feel like seeing Mom. I am worried about her.”

“She would be asleep by now.”

“Still, I want to see her. Or I will take a taxi.”

“Don’t be stupid. I, of course, am going to drop you home. But is that it?”

“Yes,” her definite tone brooked no dissent and Paritosh had to give in even though he was not convinced.

As soon as they pulled up in front of her home, she got out of the car and did not even thank him or invite him inside. Paritosh was puzzled and a little hurt. But he could not think of anything to do just then. She might just be telling the truth, he tried to convince himself, that she was worried about her mother. He had to take an early morning flight. He tried to go to sleep.

—

His attempts to talk to her on phone in the next few days were frustrating for Paritosh. She would answer him in monosyllables and disconnect the call with the first alibi she could think of.

“You have been looking so morose these days, Rupali. You need some partying,” Rohan told her.

“I doubt partying is going to help me.”

“You have to try. You definitely need to relax a bit. I have been seeing you for a few months now. Sometimes you are so happy and cheerful; and then you have a phase where you refuse to even smile.”

Rupali smiled sadly. That’s exactly what her life had been in last few months, hadn’t it? “I am going partying Saturday night. I wonder if that will help though.”

“Depends on who you are going with. Company has to be pleasant.”

“How subtle! If you want to come, come over. I am going out with some friends. I don’t know about myself, but perhaps you can enjoy.”

“Is that an invitation?”

“Yes. Provided you can get something out of your number crunching from that genetics database that makes it paper-worthy.”

“Professional blackmailing?”

“Indeed!”

She barely managed to hide her melancholy from Sunidhi on Saturday night. Sunidhi and Aditya were looking so happy that she did not want to discuss her problems with them just then. She was annoyed when Rohan asked her for lunch on Sunday. But she kept her reaction in check and asked, “Is it some special occasion?”

“No. But you can bring me a gift if you want,” he joked.

Rupali was not in a mood. Besides, Mouli wasn’t keeping too well these days. Having already spent Saturday night away from her, she wasn’t sure of having Sunday lunch outside too. But she couldn’t figure out a way of politely declining Rohan’s invitation. It was the first time he had asked her. So, she accepted and went for it.

—

Rupali was thoroughly depressed by Monday morning. Mouli had hardly eaten anything in last twenty-four hours. That was a common problem these days. She had lost her appetite completely. That is how last few weeks of cancer would be, the doctor had told them. On Sunday night she had been hallucinating as well, seeing and talking to her dead husband.

Suddenly Rupali felt very scared of the time to come. There had been a hope with Paritosh, but…

Paritosh had left his office keys with her. On reaching college, instead of going to her office, she went to his. She walked around aimlessly in the small space that was free after the book-shelves, table and other furniture had been accommodated. Then she sat down on his chair. That made her feel close to him. She closed her eyes and tried to not think of things that were bothering her.

“Rupali!” the voice startled her and she jumped out of the chair. She couldn’t believe her eyes for a moment. Was she also hallucinating like Mom?

“You are back?” she said still wondering if she was talking to a real person or some illusion.

“Don’t look so pale. You are not seeing a ghost. The last day of the seminar was cancelled because the speaker fell ill and I was getting restless to see you,” he expressed his feelings genuinely.

Rupali wanted to rush to him and lose herself in his embrace. But she just stood motionless. Then she realized that she was in his office. Should she explain? What would she explain? She decided against it.

“You have come directly from the airport?” she noticed his suitcase.

“Yes.”

“You would be tired. I think you should go home.”

“I received a message from the director. He wants to meet me for something urgent. But Rupali. What has happened to you? You have no idea how I have–”

“I have a class to teach now. I will talk to you later,” she did not let him finish and started walking towards the door.

“Rupali. Wait,” he stopped her, “Here. This… note… was on your door. I went to your office first to meet you.”

She took the note from him and left. It was from Rohan. “Thanks for the great weekend,” it read. What was up with Rohan all of a sudden? She threw the note in a dustbin after reading it and headed to her office to pick up notes for her class.

—

Rupali was stupefied. What had Rohan just said?

“I love you, Rupali.”

“Rohan. This is–”

“Don’t say no, Rupali. Not without thinking it through.”

Before she could reply, Rupali noticed a shadow passing through the door of her office. She caught a glimpse. Of all the people in the world, it was Paritosh. Rohan was oblivious to it all though.

—

To be continued

Rupali had gathered a bunch of old bound journals on the table and was sifting through them. She was startled by someone depositing a rose in front of her. She looked up and her confusion increased when she saw Paritosh standing there smiling.

“Sir?”

“Hi! You didn’t tell me that you were planning on burning the weekend oil!”

“I just decided on an impulse this morning.”

“This is for you,” he pushed the rose further towards her.

It was a red rose. Rupali looked alternately at the rose and at Paritosh in confusion.

“For me?” she spoke very slowly and uncertainly.

“To thank you for the delicious cookies I had a while back.”

“Cookies? Oh – you went home?”

“Yes. Mrs. Banerjee told me you were here. So, I came here. But not before having a fill of the cookies. They were really tasty.”

“Thank you,” his appreciate lifted her spirits. But the rose was still confusing her. She saw Paritosh looking at the flower and felt compelled to pick it up. “For this too,” she said.

Paritosh smiled and asked her, “Yesterday you did not tell me whether you like movies or not.”

“Who doesn’t like movies in this age?” she replied, “Apart from action and gory stuff, I watch everything.”

“And when did you go to a movie hall last time?”

“Few months back,” Rupali laughed embarrassed, “Actually just after coming back. With Sunidhi.”

“Let’s go to a movie tonight then.”

“We?”

“If you don’t mind.”

“No… Why would I mind? It was… just… unexpected… But sure. Let’s go. Which one?”

“There is a new animation movie from Pixar. We can go for that.”

“Okay.”

“I will get the tickets and pick you up at 6.30 from your home.”

“Sure.”

—

In the evening, Rupali was utterly confused about what to wear. It wasn’t like it was a date. Dr. Khanna would never think of it that way. But then what was it? Going to a movie?

‘Come on, Rupali,’ she chided herself, ‘Don’t you go to the movies with friends? Just treat it like one of those occasions.’ She put up a blue kurti on her black jeans and wore matching ear-rings. She looked at her nails. The nail polish was coming off. When was the last time she had put on a new coat? She hadn’t actually thought of her grooming in a long, long time. She used the nail polish remover to remove it altogether. ‘My nails look fine without it,’ she thought. She put up minimal make-up and waited for him to come.

After the movie he took her to a continental restaurant. He hadn’t told her about it earlier. It was a surprise.

“Thank you. The food was delicious and the restaurant was really good,” she told him while coming back.

“Good that you liked the restaurant. Does the outing do good to your mood? How are you feeling?”

“I am feeling like coming out of a perfect first date–” she bit her lips. What was she doing? “I’m sorry,” she said next.

“There is nothing wrong in feeling that way,” Paritosh looked cool.

“Everything is wrong in feeling what is not meant to be. I should just–”

“Rupali!” he pulled over suddenly and looked at her, “I have thrown it away once. But if I asked you for another chance, will you give it to me?”

Surprise and uncertainty clouded her eyes as she stared at him.

“Please!” he added earnestly.

“What… do you mean?” she didn’t want to hope.

“I was stuck in time; stuck in the situation nine years ago, when it would have sounded so wrong. I was thinking of the time I had first seen you. You weren’t even an adult legally. It was so wrong then. But not now, when you are an adult who can take decisions for herself. I have realized that and I want to give ourselves, our relationship, a chance. Will you?”

It took her a few seconds to digest what he was saying. “Our relationship? You feel that way?” she mumbled an uncertain question.

“Yes. Our relationship.”

She was about break into a smile, when doubt clouded her face again, “Is this because of Mom?”

Paritosh did not quite understand her, “In a way, she did influence me. But–”

“Don’t do it then,” she suddenly turned cold.

“What do you mean?”

“I know that Mom is… going away and I know that I come across as weak. Well, I am weak and somewhere I and Mom have brought you in between all this. You feel that I am your responsibility.  But that cannot be reason to force yourself into–”

“Shut up, will you?” Paritosh’ voice was soft, not quite matching his harsh words. He spoke again after a pause, “Let me lay out the facts before running wild with your imagination. I had no clue that this is what you meant when you asked me that question. When I said Mrs. Banerjee influenced me, what I meant was this. She said certain things that made me feel that she would accept our relationship. Probably even be happy about it. That gave me the confidence that it won’t be bad for you, or for me. I, sort of, trusted her life experiences. That was all that I meant. There is no pity, no emotional blackmail, no coercion involved here. Trust me Rupali. Please.”

It was her tears that showed first and then her smile.

“Wipe those off. Please,” Paritosh smiled and pointed to her tears. She did that as her smiled broadened.

“Do I, then, have the right to ask you out for a movie with real people next time?” he said playfully.

It made her laugh slightly. She blushed as she nodded a yes.

—

“I had told you, you needed to talk to him,” Sunidhi was happy to hear about Rupali and Paritosh.

“It wasn’t that simple, Sunidhi. But it doesn’t matter now.”

“Yep. To the happiness! But, oh my God! Dr. Khanna. I can’t imagine what it would be like between the two of you. There is so much–”

“Alright. Stop right there. Don’t start imagining things,” Rupali laughed, while blushing at the same time.

“No. I won’t.”

“I guess you have your own share of imagination to do.”

“I. Hope. So.” Sunidhi tried to sound cautious, but it was clear that she was optimistic.

“Come on. Spill the beans.”

“Let’s just say there is hope. Lots of it. He is really getting better. And so much more positive. We should all go out sometime.”

“Yes. Coming weekend?”

“Will Dr. Khanna spare you?” Sunidhi winked at her, “Or better, would he join us?”

Rupali smiled, “He is away for a week for a conference. He won’t be in town until the following Tuesday.”

“So, we are being hired to entertain the lonely princess.”

“Shut up!”

—

To  be continued

“Rupali! What happened?” Paritosh had come to her house early the next day. It was a Saturday and they didn’t have to go to work. He had found her on the veranda. She was leaning back on her chair with her eyes closed, but she was crying and tears were flowing out of her closed eyes.

She got up with a start, “Sir?” She quickly wiped her tears, but realized that she would need to wash her face, “Please sit down, Dr. Khanna. I will be back in a minute.”

“Wait,” he surprised her as he stopped her from going by holding her hand, “Why were you crying?”

“It’s nothing. Please let me go.”

“Sit down,” he forced her to sit back on her chair and pulled another chair lying on the veranda for himself, “Tell me the truth, Rupali.”

“Please don’t force me,” she replied. The forced coldness in her voice hurt him.

“You don’t trust me?”

“I trust you, completely. But that doesn’t mean that I will bring you in the middle of all my problems. There are things I will have to sort out for myself.”

“Is there something I can do to change that?”

She looked at him blankly for a moment; then shook her head, “No.”

“Rupali!” Paritosh felt very helpless and it reflected in his voice.

“Don’t misunderstand me, Dr. Khanna. I don’t know what I would have done, if you hadn’t been there for me and Mom. I really appreciate everything you are doing.  And I would be lost without you. But I don’t want to get more used to your support than I already am. I also want to become stronger for myself. Do I make any sense? Am… I… making you… mad?” she looked at him apprehensively.

Paritosh’ heart went out to her. He wanted her smile back. He wanted that cheerful girl back who had the power to make him smile even during the darkest days of his life.

“I am not angry at you, Rupali. I can never be. Have you had your breakfast?”

“No. Shall I ask the cook to serve some? Mom won’t be up for another couple of hours. We can have something.”

“In that case, let’s go out somewhere. You need a change.”

Rupali was surprised at the proposal of going out. But she thought she had already been too cold to him earlier. So, she did not refuse, “Why don’t you wait in the hall. I will get ready and come back in five minutes.”

“Sure,” he nodded.

—

“What would you like to have?” Paritosh asked when they were ready to leave.

“I haven’t had a typical American breakfast for quite some time. Do you know some place?”

“Yes. It would be about twenty minutes’ drive from here. Is that fine?”

“Sure. But do you like American breakfast?”

“I like it very much. What kind of food do you generally like?”

“I like all kinds of food. I love experimenting with food. How about you?”

“I don’t mind anything. Can’t call myself an active experimenter though.”

Rupali smiled. Paritosh felt good.

“And what do you like to read?” he asked her.

Rupali laughed slightly and then said in a self-deprecating tone, “I read a lot of self-help books in my last two years in US; everything from how to make friends to how to look confident to how to succeed in relationships. Then I realized that those books can’t help you fit in a place you don’t belong to. So, I came back.”

Paritosh also laughed and asked further, “And before and after that?”

“I read fiction. All kind – classics, contemporary. And you?”

“I don’t read much outside of the history books and journals, to be honest. And a lot of current affairs, of course. My home looks like a magazine warehouse.”

“Yeah. The current affair will also be history is next few years.”

“Right,” he smiled at her quip, “Movies – I can watch anything though. Crappy action to mushy romance to mindless sci-fi, Hindi, English, and any other language with subtitles.”

That made Rupali laugh. Paritosh stared at her. She had laughed after a long time. And it was a genuine laughter.

“What happened?” she asked when she suddenly became aware of him staring at her.

“I realized how much I was missing your laughter. Remain that way, Rupali. This is what suits you. Not the tears and moroseness.”

Rupali fell silent and smiled nervously. Paritosh regretted having made her conscious, but resolved to try and bring her cheerfulness back. Rupali was wondering what those getting-to-know-each-other questions were meant for?

—

What was she to do? Rupali wondered as she paced up and down in her room. His words were echoing in her mind, “Remain that way, Rupali. This is what suits you. Not the tears and moroseness.”

She also didn’t want to remain morose. But what could she do about her happiness? Mom wasn’t going get any better. She forced herself to smile in front of Mom. But her deteriorating health made her sadder and more scared by the moment. And the only other person who could make her happy was not there. Well, he was there and still not there. He insisted on knowing why she was crying in the morning?  But how could she tell him that she cried because she longed for him. She felt lonely and she could not reach out to him the way she wanted! Because he wasn’t willing to be that person in her life. What could she do to find love and happiness? She could not beg him for that. That’s not how love came to anyone, did it?

She felt tired and sat down on the bed. ‘Be happy with what you have,’ she told herself, ‘Stop going after a mirage. At least you have his support, and friendship, even if not love.’ She decided that she will try to be happy.

—

“Hello, Mrs. Banerjee. How are you doing?” On Saturday, after breakfast, Paritosh had dropped Rupali home but had not been able to meet Mouli. He had some work to do. So, he came back on Sunday after visiting Amrit.

“As good as I can be,” Mouli smiled weakly, “But there is a surprise for you. Rupa was in a good mood, it seems. She baked some cookies last night. They are tasty. Try them.” She passed an air-tight plastic container to him, which had the cookies.

“Wow! I didn’t know she was an expert at baking.”

“No expert. It is the first time she tried. But they have turned out quite well.”

“You are right,” Paritosh said munching on one of the cookies, “Where is she?”

“She has gone to the institute. Apparently there is a paper submission deadline and she hadn’t exactly been working hard recently. So, she is going spend her Sunday in consulting journals and books in the library.”

“Oh!” Was it a sign of her feeling better that she was concentrating on work again? Or a way of hiding her depression?

“It’s good for her, Paritosh,” Mouli said somberly, as if reading his mind and answering his question, “The way she had been recently, barely holding herself together, I have died a thousand deaths before the real one comes. Since yesterday, she has been looking more cheerful. You had taken her out for breakfast?”

“Yeah. I happened to come early in the morning. So–”

“That was really nice of you. She needed a change of air. All of her friends seem too busy.”

“If you are fine with it, I… I could take her out more often. If it helps…”

“Please do,” Mouli said eagerly, “She really looks up to you. Your attention and approval mean a lot to her.” Her eagerness did not skip Paritosh’ notice.

He nodded and spoke after few moments of silence, “Mrs. Banerjee. Please take rest. I will drop by the institute and meet Rupali if she is there.”

“Sure. Take care.”

“You too. Bye”

—

To be continued

His phone rang as soon as he pressed the doorbell. By the time he saw that the call was form Rupali, she was at the door, opening it for him. They smiled nervously on realizing that they had the same agenda.

“My… meetings got cancelled…” he told another obvious lie to explain the earlier one. She accepted it gracefully. “Do you want to go out for a while? Get some fresh air. And probably some coffee?”

“Yeah. Sure.”

—

“How are you doing, Rupali?” Paritosh asked after their coffee had arrived.

“I am fine,” Rupali said as a matter of habit. But then she looked into his eyes and her own filled with tears, “I am not fine. I am scared. I’m very scared. I don’t know what is going to happen. I’m so used to her. I can’t take a single decision of my life on my own. I came back from the US only so that she would be there to help me. And now… I am at a loss. I don’t know what to do or say…”

She broke down and buried her head in her hands on the table. Thankfully he had picked a secluded corner in the coffee shop and it was relatively empty at that point of time; so there weren’t any prying eyes around. He pulled his chair closer and patted her head.

“Rupali. Please don’t cry like this. Look at me, please. Please Rupali.” His pleadings worked and she looked up, though still teary eyed. He held and pressed her hands, as he spoke further, “Do you trust me? Forget about all the awkwardness that had been there between us recently and tell me honestly. Do you trust me?”

Rupali nodded.

“Then you must listen very carefully to what I say. Okay?”

She nodded again, though hesitantly.

“Don’t worry about yourself. I have seen you work. You can be responsible and mature. You already are. Your mother has been your support all your life and I can’t deny that life without her would be difficult to cope with. But you will be able to manage it. And I am there with you. I have promised this to your mother and I promise to you as well. It doesn’t matter what happens, I will always be there with you. I can’t make up for your mother’s loss, when it inevitably comes. But if you need any help, any support, I will try my best to steer you in the right direction. You don’t have to worry about yourself.”

“Thank you.”

“And now something else. Your mother is more worried about you than you are.”

“She has talked to you already about all this?”

“Yes. She has. She knows how you feel and she is really worried. In her condition, this stress will not do her any good. You must think of her, do you understand?”

“Yes. I was being too selfish.”

“Don’t worry about that. Parents are the only people with whom we can be absolutely selfish. But there comes a time when they need us more than we need them. That time has come for you now. I am sorry that it came too early for you. But you must support her. You must become strong for her sake and convince her that you will be fine even after her. That is the only way to ensure that she lives the rest of her life happily. You would do that, won’t you Rupali?”

“You think about everyone. Just like Mom. And I get stuck only on my own problems.”

“Don’t be so harsh on yourself. You aren’t having it easy. That you are holding up is commendable.”

—

“Love is a strange thing, Paritosh,” Mouli spoke suddenly, while Paritosh was visiting her one evening. Rupali was not there. She had gone out for grocery shopping.

“Sorry?” he was taken aback by such a subject being introduced so abruptly.

“I said love is a strange thing. It makes you push boundaries and do crazy things like no other feeling or ambition can.”

“Why are you suddenly philosophizing about love?” Paritosh asked jokingly, but the laughter accompanying it was nervous.

“I don’t know. May be because today I am missing Purushottam too much,” Mouli said and then thinking that Paritosh may not know him by name, added an explanation, “Rupali’s father.”

“I know. I am sorry. Is it something special today?”

“I was suddenly reminded that this was the day when I had joined his company all those years back, as his interpreter.”

“Interpreter? Which language?”

“Sign language.”

“Sign language?”

“He couldn’t speak.”

“Oh!”

“I had just finished my graduation. He had been inducted into his family business few months back. But to communicate with staff and others, he needed someone to interpret his sign language to them. I had learned sign language out of sheer curiosity.  One of my neighbors used to teach it. So, I had taken free classes from him.”

“That was nice.”

“I was idling around after my graduation, when I noticed this ad in a newspaper. I walked in for an interview. He himself took the interview. I fumbled with some hardcore business vocabulary. He laughed seeing me go red with embarrassment, but gave me the job anyway. On my first day in the office, he gave me a list of business words to remember. It ran into four pages. He was that organized!”

“And then?” Paritosh was drawn into the story by then.

“And then we just clicked. I became very good at interpreting what he said in the sign language. Three months later, he was to speak at the Annual General Meeting of the company. He hadn’t pre-written his speech. So, I also had to interpret it on the go. But I could do it almost instantly. It was as if I knew what he was going to say. Like there was a connection.”

“There, after all, was a connection, wasn’t there?” Paritosh smiled.

“Yes.”

“So much that you never thought of marrying again?”

“I couldn’t. I had a fulfilling married life for eleven years and four years of wonderful friendship and love before that. And then I had Rupali. I couldn’t have left those years behind me.”

Paritosh nodded, “She is lucky to have you as her mother. You make a rather cool Mom.” He laughed slightly as he said “cool Mom” and Mouli joined him.

“Unlike me, though, she isn’t lucky in love,” Mouli said startling Paritosh once again. He averted his eyes. He would have wanted to change the topic, but did not know how to do that without appearing defensive for himself, or insulting to her.

“May be sometimes love is not meant to be. It is misdirected, even inappropriate.” he mumbled.

“Love is never misdirected. Society, and our social conditioning, is misdirected. It makes us think of love in the same terms as buying a refrigerator or something. You look at the features and the price and make trade-offs. But love doesn’t happen with features, Paritosh. It doesn’t look at the price. It just happens. My parents thought I wouldn’t survive a marriage with a–” she had difficulty using the word, but she finally did, “dumb man even for a year. They thought I was marrying for money. But see – I could not get out of that marriage even after he was dead. Things that the society makes you think matter, don’t matter. Money, status, age, community, religion, even disability – none of it matters. When two people connect, and make each other happy, everything else pales in comparison, becomes unimportant. Even if there are other barriers, love can conquer it all.”

Mouli suddenly felt tired and leaned back on her bed. “Think about it, Paritosh. Think about your life,” she mumbled and closed her eyes.

Paritosh stared at her. What was she trying to tell him? Rupali came back just then. Seeing Paritosh’ somber expressions and her mother lying down on the bed, she panicked. “What happened? Mom? Are you okay?”

“She is fine, Rupali. Just a little tired. Let her sleep. I need to leave now.”

“I was going to make some coffee.”

“Some other time. Right now I must leave,” Paritosh said and walked out of the room. He had some soul searching to do, before he faced Rupali again. Rupali was left confused, but her attention soon shifted to her sleeping mother. She sat beside her on the bed and gently caressed her forehead.

—

To be continued

“Rupa. You came back early? Everything all right?” Mouli asked that evening.

“Yes Mom. I took my classes and finished my meetings. Didn’t feel like working after that.”

“You don’t look well. Is Paritosh angry with you?” Mouli sat down beside her daughter on the sofa.

The question caught Rupali unawares. She shook her head, but her eyes filled with tears. She leaned on her mother’s shoulders and started crying.

“On my God!” Mouli mumbled as she patted her daughter’s head, “My poor girl. What is eating you up, child? You can tell me. I am not so weak yet that I can’t share my daughter’s problems. Tell me sweetie.”

“Mom. I do it wrong every time. I just do it wrong every time.”

“What has happened? Has Paritosh said something? Is he angry about yesterday?”

“No, Mom.  He didn’t say anything. I wish he had. He is too good, Mom. And that’s my undoing.”

“Rupa!”

“It’s wrong, isn’t it? Mom. I am in love with him. I am sorry, Mom. I am sorry for putting you through this.”

Mouli was surprised by the revelation. She kept involving Paritosh in their lives, to ensure that Rupali had a friend and a mentor. She had suspected that Paritosh might have a soft corner for her. Nothing else could explain how willing he was to take up the responsibilities Mouli was throwing at him. But she had never realized what was really going on with her daughter. What was more shocking, however, was how Rupali was reacting to it. Why was she so miserable?

“Why wrong, Rupa? I am surprised, pardon me for that, but why are you feeling so guilty? He is a nice, caring man.”

“I don’t know Mom. But he is so much older to me.”

“That–” she started explaining something and the smiled, “Why did you not talk to me, you stupid girl? Tell me something. You don’t remember much of your father, do you?”

Rupali looked up at her mother through tears, quite surprised. Why was she talking about her father now? She shook her head confirming that she didn’t remember much.

“You probably don’t remember, or don’t know, that he couldn’t speak.”

“What?”

“Yes. It was an accident in his childhood. He had lost his ability to speak after that. And everybody thought I was a gold-digger for marrying him.  But when you are in love, the rest of the world doesn’t matter, Rupa. It is only the bond between the two people that does matter. What they feel, what they want.”

Rupali smiled sadly, “Yes. You need two people to feel the same way.”

“You spoke to Paritosh?”

“Leave it, Mom. I don’t want to talk about it any longer. I am going to my room to sleep for a while. Do you need something?”

“No,” Mouli said. Her own thoughts were now eager to go elsewhere and she could use some time alone.

—

“Hi Paritosh. What a surprise to see you at this time. Rupali is at the college.”

“Yeah. I know.  I was free; so I thought I would drop by. How are you?”

Paritosh had been anxious since his last meeting with Rupali. He had promised Mouli that Rupali’s problem would be sorted out. But she had left feeling guilty after their conversation. That couldn’t possibly have solved her problem. And he didn’t know what would be the right way of talking to her again. She had also avoided him. Lost and confused, he had come to Mouli, although he had no clue how much she knew and what he expected from her.

“That was really nice of you. Come in.”

“How is Rupali doing?”

“She was guilty about that night. I think she won’t repeat it.”

“She needn’t feel guilty. Not repeating it would be good though,” he attempted to make light of the situation.

“Thank you for helping her, Paritosh. You have been a true friend.”

“You are making a big deal out of it.”

“Not really. You know what is really funny though? As a student she used to think that you hated her. Seeing you now, caring so much for her, I can’t believe that. She must be mistaken.”

“I hated her?” Paritosh was already too confused and uneasy. This was adding yet another dimension to his already complicated relationship with Rupali.

“Apparently you would never let her in the class, if she was late, although you did not bother with others. You gave her a hard time with the assignment deadlines, would not let her speak in the class etc. etc.”

Paritosh frowned as if trying to remember the time.

“She worked extra-hard in your courses trying to impress you, although she would never have accepted it. And yet, she did not quite get what she wanted.”

“That’s… that’s strange…”

“Yeah. I am sure she was mistaken.”

“Yes. She was… She definitely was,” his voice trailed away.

He ran into Rupali on his way out. They looked at each other awkwardly for a few moments; neither of them was prepared to face the other yet. Paritosh found his bearings first.

“Hi Rupali. You came back early.”

“Yeah. I didn’t feel like working.” She was being truthful and this had been the case for a while now.

“Okay. No problem. It’s good to take a break once in a while,” he tried to smile.

“You are leaving?”

“Yeah… yeah… I had to… meet… some people…” He didn’t. And his lie showed through. But Rupali pretended to believe him.

“Okay then. Have a good day.”

“You too. Bye.”

—

As Rupali entered her house, she could no longer disregard the fact that she was terrified. Since she had returned to India, she had let herself be a little girl again, feeling protected by her mother. But that protection was going to go away. She’d have to be on her own once again. And this time Mom won’t be there even at the other end of the phone or a 24-hour long flight. What would she do? How will she manage? How will she take any decisions in her life? Talking to Sunidhi was a way of unwinding. But it didn’t help her make decisions. Sunidhi was always so sure of what she wanted, and how she would get it. Rupali was not like that. And she had managed to complicate it all with Paritosh, the one person she could have talked to. What was her fault? Even Mom didn’t think there was anything wrong with it. But he did. And if he did, she couldn’t possibly force herself on him. But could she amend the relationship? At least the camaraderie they had come to share could be salvaged.

Paritosh sat in his car, but did not drive away immediately. He was weighed down by his confusions. What was he to do about Rupali? Her mother expected him to support her. He would be happy to do that. Nothing would give him more pleasure and satisfaction than being there for her. But when he had agreed to do that, he hadn’t foreseen this complication coming up in their relationship. What should he tell her? How should he bring it all back to normal? He didn’t want to lose her friendship. She was like a breath of fresh air in his otherwise stale, suffocated life. He wanted her around, he liked to hear her talk, he liked helping and advising her. All of this gave a meaning to his life like something had never done before. But giving in to his heart’s deepest desire, even if it was reciprocated by her, was not done. She was too young. It couldn’t be good for her. Never. She might adventure into the relationship because when you are young you enjoy taking risks. But it might shatter her later. The difference of age, of almost a generation, stood between them.  That can’t be. But it seemed like his intention to do the right by her had always given her pain. Then and now! What should he do? He could try amending the relationship. At least the camaraderie they had come to share could be salvaged. And then he could be there for her when she needed him the most.

—

To be continued

But the biggest problem of the evening was yet to be faced. Mouli! How would she react to seeing her daughter in this condition? His prayers were not answered. Mouli was still awake and as expected was hurt and alarmed. At first, she thought Rupali was ill and panicked.

“No. Mrs. Banerjee. No need to call the doctor. She is just… drunk,” Paritosh informed her hesitatingly, “Where is her room?”

“Upstairs. No… That would difficult. Let’s take her to the guest room on this floor itself,” she managed to think practically.

“I’m sorry,” he turned to Mouli and said, “I didn’t realize when she did this. I was supposed to look out for her.”

“What could you have done? I… I shouldn’t have taken her with me today… But… she could do better than this…”

“Mrs. Banerjee. I think I know now what is troubling her more than your illness. And I promise you that I will do whatever it takes to fix it.”

“What is it, Paritosh?”

“You needn’t bother. Good night, Mrs. Banerjee. She would be all right by morning.”

—

Rupali couldn’t at first understand why she was feeling groggy early in the morning. For a moment the memories of the accident came back to her and she panicked. But then she recognized the room, and finally her mother, sitting on a chair near her bed. She was reading something.

“Mom!” she barely managed to speak.

She could easily discern concern and pain in her mother’s eyes when she looked at her. “You are awake? I think you need this.” She got up and picked up a glass of lemonade from the table.

“Mom… I…”

“Drink it first.”

She did as told.

“Why Rupa?” the two words were more than enough to express her disappointment.

“Mom… I am… I am so sorry…” Rupali’s guilt matched Mouli’s pain.

“You have always made me proud, Rupa. You have been an achiever all your life. You can’t become a loser now, my child. You can’t let me down like this. Can you imagine how I felt when Paritosh brought you home last night? He is your boss, a friend – yes, but not your chaperon.”

“Dr. Khanna?”

“Yes. And thank God for that. Else I don’t know what could have happened.”

The conversation of the last evening came back to her in flashes. Oh God! What had she done? Had she really…. Or was it a dream… Let it be the latter, God! Frustrated, Rupali buried her head in her hands.

Mouli assumed that she was embarrassed, although not quite realizing the extent of her embarrassment.

“You must apologize to him, Rupa.”

Rupali nodded. What would she apologize to him for? For loving him?

—

Paritosh could not sleep that night. Memories didn’t let him.

He was passing through the noisy college grounds, hardly taking notice of what was going on around him, when he heard a name that always caught his attention.

“Oh my God! Stop Rupali. Please stop,” a girl was in splits and her words were punctuated by the sound of laughter, “I will die if I laugh anymore.”

Her companion, none other than Rupali Banerjee, was herself behaving as if possessed by something. She was laughing so hard that she could not keep her balance and fell to her knees without caring about her jeans collecting dust.

“You actually did that? You threw the cockroach in the staff room?” the first girl asked incredulously.

“I couldn’t help it when I saw Dr. D’Souza sitting there with her huge lunch box. She had been such a bitch in the class and I knew she was scared of cockroaches. What I didn’t know was that the entire staff is a bunch of cowards. They were all running helter-skelter, men and women alike!”

“I saw that. It was so funny,” she got into another fit of laughter as she recalled whatever she had seen, “But you are crazy, Rupali. What if someone saw you?”

“Even if they did, they should be too embarrassed about their reaction to really say anything to me,” Rupali was confident.

Paritosh suddenly became conscious that he may be observed by someone, foolishly grinning at the girls’ antics. Perhaps he should go to the staff room instead and enjoy the commotion she had created, while it still lasted. He shook his head smiling and walked away.

Yet another day… He was the faculty representative in the committee that was organizing the inter-college debate competition.

“Of course, the lavish marriages of the politicians and the rich people are a good thing for the society. At least this way, some of the money they are hoarding flows back into the economy, to the cooks and the decorators and others involved in the preparation of those lavish weddings….”

There was something so convincing in how she spoke that it made people forget the logic. You just felt like agreeing to everything she said. At least it happened to him, he thought and smiled. No! Not just him. It must have happened to the judges too. She was declared the winner. She was prancing happily towards the stage to collect her prize… that broad smile… that confident body language… she probably thought she could conquer the world.

Paritosh came back to the present. It had been a while since he had seen her like that. She was a changed person since she had come back; perhaps the result of her bad experiences in the US. But since her accident it had been worse.  And one of the reasons had been him. What had she said? “Because you have made me fall in love with you.”  He had thought that he was now old and mature enough to keep a lid on his emotions? Had he been over-confident? Had he betrayed his feelings?

—

His contemplation continued even in his office. He didn’t have a class to teach that day. His chain of thoughts was broken only when the knock came at his door. He instinctively knew it was her. He took a deep breath, calming himself down, before giving permission. “Come in.”

“Good morning, Dr. Khanna,” a visibly uncomfortable Rupali walked in.

“Please sit down, Rupali. And can you shut the door for a while?”

She did a instructed and took a visitor’s chair.

“Are you feeling fine?”

She nodded. “I’m sorry about–”

“No.” he interrupted and spoke a measured voice, “I’m sorry. It seems I have created too many troubles in your life at a time when you needed them the least.”

“It’s not like that, Dr. Khanna.”

“Tell me, Rupali. What did I do wrong? Did I do something that led you to believe that I…” he did not complete his sentence. He did not want to say those words, even in a sentence that didn’t mean them.

“No. Never,” she replied.

“Be honest. Because if I did something, I made a grave mistake. I misled you and…”

“No. You didn’t. Never. I can’t believe I behaved like that. It wasn’t something I should have ever said.”

“It isn’t something you should feel. You are too young, Rupali. You have been my student. I am too old for you. It is wrong. This is not how things work.” Paritosh wondered if he was being more emphatic than needed. He just had to convince her, not himself. He already knew…

Rupali bit her lips and did not respond to what he said directly, “I shouldn’t have been drunk like that. Not in the office. That’s where everything went wrong.  I made a mistake, Dr. Khanna. Not you. I am sorry. If there is any punishment that would undo the harm, I am ready to take it. Responsibility is mine, and mine only,” she choked on her words. Not wanting to break down before him, she got up and ran away. Paritosh stood up almost meaning to stop her. But he didn’t do that. He just looked on sadly as she disappeared from his sight.

—

To be continued

Another meeting of the research group was to take place during the winter break. Paritosh reached college a little early and thought of grabbing something to eat from the canteen. He looked for Rupali in her office, but it was locked. She would not have come yet, he reasoned, and walked towards the canteen. But he saw Rohan and Rupali sitting there together. He came back without getting anything, and without being noticed by them.

They finalized a paper to be sent to a top-tier History journal during the meeting. She came to his office afterwards.

“Rupali. How are you doing?”

“I am managing. I was hoping you would come home with me today.  Mom was asking about you.”

“Okay. You go ahead. I will come in my car.”

“I have sent mine back with the driver.”

He smiled, “Give me five minutes. I will finish some e-mails and then we can leave.”

—

Paritosh sat with Mouli while Rupali changed and freshened up.

“Thank you for coming, Paritosh.”

“Come on, Mrs. Banerjee. It’s my pleasure.”

“Listening to an old, dying woman’s rant can’t be a pleasure, but you cope bravely.”

“You are being unfair.”

Mouli smiled apologetically, “I guess so. I am sorry. How are you doing, Paritosh?”

“I am fine. Everything is going on as usual.”

“That’s good,” she said and fell silent. It was unlike her. Mouli could hold a conversation quite naturally.

“Something is bothering you. What is it?”

“Not me. Rupa. She never recovered after her accident. I mean, emotionally. Something is bothering her. And now that she knows about my condition, she perhaps doesn’t want to share it with me.”

“Why do you think so?” he asked.

“Under ordinary circumstances, I wouldn’t have divulged her personal issues to you, Paritosh. But I am growing desperate about her. And you are the only friend she has who is mature enough to help her.”

“Don’t worry about that, Mrs. Banerjee. I can keep secrets. But what is worrying you?”

“I don’t know if I can explain. A mother knows. She has never been so distant from me. Not even when she was so far away in the US. But since the accident, I have found her to be so aloof. I have often seen her crying alone.”

“Did you ask her?”

“She dismisses my concerns. She says it is all a figment of my imagination.”

“Hmm…”

“I don’t know what I expect you to do, Paritosh. Just… keep an eye… If there is something at work.”

Paritosh nodded to assure her, but he wasn’t feeling quite confident. How will he find out if something was bothering her? He had himself found her behavior since the accident strange. Then there had been that weird outburst, with inexplicable complaints. Then crying in the car! Without any apparent reason. Since then she hadn’t been as rude to him. She was definitely sad though. He could have explained the sadness with her worry about her mother. But before she had come to know about it? Was it the accident? Or was it something else? And whatever it was, could it still be bothering her? And then there was the issue of her mother’s health? Poor girl! How much he would have liked to sort things out for her. But how to do that?

—

“Oye, hoye,” Sunidhi grinned, “Wasn’t I a good fortune-teller? You had this huge crush on him, didn’t you?” Rupali had finally decided to confide in her best friend. But her leg-pulling wasn’t helping her.

“Sunidhi please,” she pleaded miserably and her eyes became moist. Sunidhi turned serious on seeing that.

“Hey. Rupali. What’s wrong?”

“Everything is wrong, Sunidhi. It’s killing me. It is not easy to have him around all the time at work. To top that Mom is so fond of him that she keeps calling him home. And I am painfully aware all the time of how hopeless this feeling is.”

“You have given up before trying. Talk to him once.”

“I can’t, Sunidhi. I am so scared of how he will react. He treats me like a–” she was about to say child, but stopped remembering how vehemently he had told her that he didn’t see her like that, “like a young student to be corrected, guided, taught. He doesn’t think of me like–”

“I will repeat. You won’t know without talking to him.”

“Truth is that as painful as it is to have him around, I am more scared of losing even that. Mom’s situation is not helping.”

“Rupali. Darling, you are too overwhelmed. Come here. Let me give you a hug. Don’t try to sort it all out in one go. Give it time. Give him time too. Stranger things have happened in the world.”

“Thanks! Anyway, enough about me. How is it going with Aditya?”

“He says he is feeling better. I think so too.”

“That’s great.”

“I know you want to ask about us. I don’t know, Rupali. He still doesn’t seem to be ready.”

“What can I say?” Rupali smiled sadly, “Give it time?”

“Yeah,” Sunidhi also nodded with a wry smile.

—

Rupali wondered if accompanying her mother for her chemotherapy treatment hadn’t been a very bad idea. Everything about it depressed her. Especially how her mother looked. Her strong mother! So helpless and weak before death and disease. If it had been diagnosed earlier, things could have been different. Thinking of that only added to the misery Rupali felt.

Mouli had protested. She didn’t want her to go. But how could she have left her mother alone? She had to go. And she will go again, whenever needed. She would have to find a way to cope with it. Why was she so weak?

—

The door to her office was shut, but not locked. Paritosh could see the light inside. He decided to check on her. It was nine in the evening. There was no reason for her to be working so hard so early in the semester.  He knocked on the door, and on hearing no reply, opened it slowly. Her head was buried in her arms resting on the table. Was she asleep?

“Rupali,” he called her name gently to avoid startling her in her sleep. She looked up.  Paritosh frowned on seeing her condition. Her eyes were bloodshot.

“What has happened?” he asked cautiously.

“Nothing!” she grinned and her voice slurred. She was drunk. He couldn’t have been more shocked to find someone dead there! How could she be so irresponsible? She was in her office.

“You are drunk?”

She continued grinning and said, “Not at all.” She tried to get up to prove her point and stumbled. Paritosh banged the door shut and ran to her. He reached in time to prevent her from falling. But what was he to do next? If he took her out of the department building and someone saw her in this state, it won’t bode well for her career.  She hadn’t exactly made powerful friends in the institute, especially after that fateful faculty meeting. People resented her because she seemed to be well on her way to win the challenge. Why did she do this? Her mother’s worries were not misplaced.

She passed out on her chair after a while. He decided to take the chance then. He supported her half-sleeping form and took her out of the building. Nobody other than security guard noticed them. And to avoid any scandals, he casually dropped an explanation to the guard, “Dr. Banerjee is unwell. I am going to drop her home.”

By the time they reached her home, he was unable to resent her for what she had done. Pity and sadness were the only feelings he had. Why had things gone so wrong for her? Someone with so much potential, so many possibilities in life…

“Rupali. We are home,” he gently nudged her.

She opened her eyes with difficulty, but looked at him with such piercing emotions that he found it difficult to meet her gaze. “Why? Why do you take care of me, Dr. Khanna?” she asked.

“Why do you do this to yourself?”

“It wasn’t supposed to happen this way. Things weren’t supposed to go wrong. Everything was supposed to be all right after I came back.”

“Rupali!”

“Mom wasn’t supposed to fall ill. You weren’t supposed to come back into my life.”

“Me? Am I a problem for you?”

“Yes. The biggest problem.”

“Why?” Paritosh got the shock of his life.

“Because you have made me fall in love with you. And I don’t know… I don’t know what to do…” her voice trailed. She had drifted into her alcohol-induced stupor again. Paritosh stared at her, stunned. When did that happen? How? Why?

—

To be continued

Her conflicts about her own feelings had been resolved ultimately. But that was not the most difficult part. What was the point of her feelings, unless they were reciprocated? And they could never be reciprocated, she was sure. She was too young, too immature for him to consider her seriously – as a lover, as a partner, as an equal! He patronized her all the time, protected her, guided her, helped her. He could never… She felt annoyed as she realized that. Annoyed with everything. With him, with herself, with the world!

It was this annoyance that had made her withdraw from Paritosh. She couldn’t get him; so she wanted to make sure that she didn’t feel the need to get him. It was all going horribly wrong though. She was only hurting herself. And as the earlier heated exchange showed, she was hurting him too. She wasn’t doing it right. How long could she torture herself like this? He had inadvertently revealed one thing that could give her some peace. He had used words like ‘intelligent’, ‘mature’, ‘charming’ for her. He didn’t think as little of her as she had convinced herself. She dared not hope for more. But she would try to be content with this.

Paritosh broke the silence during the drive, “Rupali. I was… I don’t know what had come upon me. I shouldn’t have talked to you like that earlier. Are you angry with me?”

“No,” she replied, “No. I am not. In fact, I am sorry. I have been behaving abominably.”

“What is bothering you? Is it the accident somehow?”

“I don’t know,” she lied, but tears clouded her eyes.

Paritosh looked for a suitable spot and stopped the car.

“Rupali. It has been traumatic for you. The accident. But you don’t need to deal with it like this. It doesn’t have to become your undoing. Talk to me. And if you can’t, then talk to your friends, your mother–”

Her tears grew worse, but she nodded.

“Now, I can’t take you home crying like this, can I? Pull yourself together, Rupali. There is no reason to cry.”

Obediently, she wiped her tears.

—

Mouli was waiting in the hall itself. She looked significantly paler to Paritosh since the last time he had seen her. It was when Rupali was still recuperating in the hospital.

“You don’t look well,” he said cautiously.

“Did you have your breakfast, Mom? I had told you to rest well. Shall I get you some coffee?”

“Sit down, Rupa. I need to talk to you.”

Rupali looked puzzled, while Paritosh grew concerned.

“What happened, Mom?”

“There is something I have been meaning to tell you–”

“Mrs. Banerjee. It may not be the right time.” Rupali had cried in the car for reasons Paritosh couldn’t figure out. She was already upset. She could hardly deal with another blow.

“It better not be too late, Paritosh. And I have gathered courage with difficulty. Rupa. Please sit here, darling.”

“What is it?” Rupali asked anxiously, as she sat down next to her mother, “Tell me, please.”

“Rupa,” Mouli leaned forward and held her hands. She could not look into her eyes and lowered them while speaking further, “I… I am suffering from breast cancer.  It was discovered too late and cannot be cured now. I won’t be with you for long, my child. And you must embrace this bravely.”

Paritosh was noticing the changes in Rupali’s expression. He flinched, almost feeling the pain she was going through. When Mouli finally looked up, she saw a colorless, horrified and stunned face. Her daughter was unable to even cry. She was sitting still in a state of shock.

“Rupa!” Mouli almost cried and shook her. She blinked back her tears and looked at Paritosh helplessly. “Try to help her, please,” she pleaded to him and ran out of the hall to go to her room.

Rupali was startled out of her stillness when she saw her mother running out. “Mom,” she tried to cry out, but it barely came out as a whisper. Paritosh came and sat in front of her.

“Rupali,” he called her name softly.

She looked up at him. At first her eyes were empty and hollow, but suddenly she seemed to become aware of what was going on. She started sobbing pitifully. He held her, pulled her close and hugged her gently trying to comfort her. She wept for several long minutes. He broke the hug when her sobs subsided and said, “I know that it’s easier said than done. But nobody can help the situation. Not you, not your Mom. She is worried about you; really worried. If you can be brave and assure her that you will be all right, she will live peacefully. Otherwise she will feel guilty for the situation even though it’s nobody’s fault. Do you understand?”

“You have known for a while?” she asked.

Paritosh nodded.

“I don’t know whether to be angry with you for not telling me; or to be grateful for being a support to Mom.”

“You can do whatever you want to me. But right now, please go and speak to your mother. Please.”

Rupali nodded and got up to find her mother.

—

“Mom,” Rupali went and hugged her mother, who was standing silently near the bedpost in her room.

“Are you all right, Rupa?”

Rupali could not control her tears, but she assured her, “I am fine Mom.”

“I’m sorry for putting you through this. I wish–”

“Mom! Please. What is your fault in this?” Rupali spoke through her tears.

“Don’t cry darling. Please.”

“But I am really angry at you. Why didn’t you tell me earlier? I never cared to ask after your health. And you even told Dr. Khanna before me?”

“There was a reason, Rupa. He is a nice, responsible and trust worthy man. You’d need a friend in times like this. I’m sure he can be the one.”

Rupali tried to appear normal through this, but she tried so hard that Mouli noticed.

“What is it, Rupa?”

“What?”

“Something is wrong? You are not comfortable about something. Paritosh?”

“No. No Mom. He is… He is a very good man. But I am so confused. And terrified… Of everything.”

“You will be all right, child.” Rupali did not share her mother’s confidence, but she did not say anything.

“Is Paritosh still around?” Mouli asked.

Rupali nodded.

“Go to him, then. Offer him some coffee. I am tired and want to take rest.”

Rupali waited until Mouli was in the bed and then came out.

—

“I will get you some coffee,” she told Paritosh.

He looked at her intently. She was nervous, scared, barely holding herself together. She didn’t realize it, but she was almost shivering.

“I don’t need coffee. Please sit down, Rupali.”

She did not object and sat down, feeling thankful for his understanding.

They stayed silent for a while. Paritosh wasn’t sure if he should stay on.

“Will you be all right?” he asked after a while.

“Yes!” she came out of her thoughts and said as confidently as she could manage, “I should not detain you. Thank you. For everything.”

—

To be continued