Mish' Fiction

“What are you thinking about,” she smiled so sweetly that Paritosh felt the urge to pull her towards him and kiss her madly right there.

Outwardly he let out a sigh, “How do I undo what I had done wrong last time?”

“You had done nothing wrong last time,” she hastily assured him, “Why would you think so?”

“Nothing?” he smiled sadly, “You are too forgiving.”

“Dr. Khanna,” Rupali spoke earnestly, “Sometimes I feel that you are scared of happiness. And you probably have good reasons to be sceptical. You have always kept other people’s interests ahead of yourself. But you didn’t get the happiness and peace you deserved in return. But can you try and trust me? If I wasn’t happy with you, if I wanted you to regret something, if I wanted to punish you for something, if I had any grudges against you, we would not be here today and I would not be telling you this. All I want is to be happy with you. We have lost a lot of time. But I don’t want to lose any more time moaning over the spilt milk. Let’s forget about it.”

“Your conscience, Rupali, is clear. You didn’t doubt, you didn’t falter, you didn’t misunderstand. That is not the case with me.”

“Actually… I had my share of doubts, misunderstanding, everything. And someday we can talk about all of it. But not with any regrets. Only for sharing ourselves with each other. Today, right now, I only want to share a meal. Please don’t be sad Dr. Khanna. For my sake. Yes. That makes sense. That is something you can do. Put my wishes ahead of your regrets? You can do that easily, right?”

Paritosh smiled and shook his head. How could he ever doubt her sincerity towards himself? “Shall we order?” he asked.

“Same dishes as last time?”

“Sure.”

Their conversation was not necessarily smooth in the evening. There was a gap of years to be filled, many explanations to be given, many oddities to be explained. But Rupali did not want to get overwhelmed by all of that in just one evening. He understood and respected that. So, they talked of inane daily stuff, work, colleagues, institute, research, publications, everything but themselves. When they got back in the car, however, a strange tension filled the environment. The evening was ending and it seemed like there was something to be said, to be done, which wasn’t done. They drove back mostly in silence.

He also got out of the car when he pulled over in front of her house and walked around to her side. Memories flooded both their minds. But this time there was no uncertainty, not scruples, no hesitations. His hands still trembled as he cupped her face. But he did not stop. He kissed her. A long, deep, needy, urgent, desperate kiss, which she responded with gusto. Beads of sweat appeared on his forehead by the time they finally withdrew. Both of them were panting and her eyes were moist.

He lifted her chin to make her look directly at him. “What happened?” he asked softly.

She smiled slightly and shook her head, “Nothing bad. Nothing bad at all.”

He also smiled and stepped back.  “So? Good night, then?”

“We can’t continue to be night-owls I believe,” she said sportingly, but the tinge of disappointment in her voice was quite obvious.

“Well… Why not?”

“Really?” her eyes shone in excitement. In that moment Paritosh could see the young, spirited student he knew come back.

He shrugged with a broad smile conveying “Why not?” again.

“I will check if Ma is still awake. She shouldn’t be kept waiting for me. Why don’t you come inside as well?”

“Sure.”

Mouli had stepped out just in time to overhear the last part of their conversation. She had heard the sound of the car, and when Rupali did not come back, she grew curious and came out. But on hearing this, she hurried back inside and went straight to her room. “Crazy love-birds,” she mumbled amusedly to herself and pretended to be asleep when Rupali peeped into her room. “But then we all are. In our days, in our time…” she added afterwards.

—

“Can I ask you something, Rupali?”

“If you ask permission through a question to ask me a question that is recursion without a base case. You will go in an infinite loop.”

He chuckled, and not wanting to spoil the nice mood, withdrew, “Let it be then.”

“Arr.. No. Ask me. What was it?”

“Nothing important.”

“Then why make me curious and make an issue out of it. Whatever it was, ask now.”

He sighed and spoke slowly, “Since you came back, there was something about you that bothered me. You always looked very unsure, nervous, almost miserable. You weren’t like this earlier. You aren’t like that now. But have you been like that all these years? Was it… was it because of me?”

Rupali stiffened. She regretted urging him to ask. How was she supposed to handle this? Her mother had talked about Paritosh’ insecurities. How could she answer it so that she didn’t have to lie and he wouldn’t go on a guilt trip? After a moment’s thought, she decided to share it all with him.

“Let me show you something,” she said and brought out her phone. She navigated to the app that was now in disuse, but which had been a constant companion of hers for the six years in US. Then he handed it to him. There were many unread Google Alerts in it.

“What is it?”

“An app that collects Google Alert on your name and pushes them on my mobile.”

“What?” he was incredulous for a while and then started laughing, “Now that could be marketed as an award-winning way of stalking.” She merely smiled. But Paritosh grew serious after this, “So, this is how you had come to know about my talk at IIMT and the video?”

She nodded, “And a lot of other things. I couldn’t move on Dr. Khanna. God is my witness that I had tried. But I couldn’t.”

“You never tried to tell me!” he grew emotional.

“I was scared. You were so angry. I didn’t think you’d believe me.”

He sighed. He couldn’t blame her for thinking so. “So, you were indeed miserable. And it was because of me.”

“Ma says…” she started, but hesitated for a moment. Then decided to continue anyway, “That you were the one feeling insecure in this relationship. I hope this tells you how much power you have over me. If I were you, I won’t ever feel insecure.”

Paritosh smiled sadly, “Yes. I can see the power and I…” he stopped. He was going to say “I abused it”, but realized that if he wallowed in self-pity, Rupali would feel bad about sharing her story honestly with him.

“And you?” she could never stand his half-completed sentences or stories.

“And I will try my best not to abuse it,” he changed what he was originally saying. But he meant it and promised to himself to stand by it.

“I know that you won’t. Else I wouldn’t have told you.”

Her faith scared him. And it warmed his heart!

—

“Paritosh. Come in. What a surprise!” Mouli was glad to see Paritosh next day. Rupali was in the office.

“Surprise?” he chuckled, “Why! You are talking like I have come to meet you for the first time.”

“No, you aren’t. But I didn’t think you’d have time for me any longer,” she teased him good-humouredly.

“Come on Mrs. Banerjee,” he tried to keep a brave and straight face, but a blush crept in.

Mouli laughed, “Come now. Sit down. Tell me, how are you doing?”

“I am doing fine. How is your health?”

“I would say it is fine till I am alive.”

“Don’t talk so negatively. You are all right.”

Mouli sighed, “Forget about me. Just keep her happy, Paritosh.”

“I haven’t done too well there till now. But I promise that I will try my best. Any tips?”

“It can’t be too difficult,” Mouli smiled fondly, “She doesn’t ask for too much, does she? Or am I biased as a mother?”

“No. You are not biased. She doesn’t ask for much. But that makes things difficult sometimes. I do want to give.”

“I don’t know if she wants it. But if you give her some indulgence, I’d be very happy.”

“Indulgence?”

“Pamper her. Indulge her. Let her have her way. Something I never had time or resource to do. I was too busy earning enough, saving enough to pay for her studies and career.”

“For someone who doesn’t expect much, how difficult can pampering her be? Rest assured, Mrs. Banerjee. And there was something I wanted to tell you.”

“Go ahead.”

“Thank you. Thanks a lot for understanding me and my issues. You might have done it for your daughter, but you have done me a much, much bigger favour.”

—

“Oh my God! What is this Dr. Khanna?” Rupali was wide-eyed with surprise. Or was it shock?

“What?” He got worried.

“This house… What have you done to it? It looks like a five star hotel.” Rupali’s surprise was not misplaced. The interiors of Paritosh’ house was completely redone and it looked nothing like a normal house in the faculty quarter of the institute. The decor, the furniture, the design, everything reminded Rupali of the time when she had been to Cathy’s parents’ house in the US. They were super-rich and she had felt completely out of place there. But in comparison to even that, Paritosh’ house seemed constrained only by the size. And he had no control over size. It was a standard house all the senior faculty members were allotted.

Paritosh was laughing at her describing the house as a five star hotel. “That isn’t a bad thing, is it?” he had asked in amusement.

“No… I guess…” she was still stupefied.

“Come with me. I have something for you.”

She followed him to his bedroom and her eyes widened, when he opened a small box containing a pair of earrings for her.

“Oh my God! These are not…”

“Not?”

“Diamonds?”

“As a matter of fact, these are.”

“Oh!”

“You don’t like them?” a cloud appeared over his face.

Rupali realized that her reaction had been lukewarm. She quickly flashed a smile, “I love them. I was just… I don’t know… taken by surprise?”

“Will you try them?”

“Sure.” She hoped that he would offer to put them on her. But the expectation of a story-book romance won’t do with him, would it? That was not why she had fallen for him. She went to the dresser to change her ear-rings. She took the one she was wearing on her left ear out. But before she could put in the new ones, Paritosh walked up to her and stopped her.

“May I?” he asked softly.

Her heart leapt. She nodded nervously trying hard to hide her blush. But it couldn’t be hidden by the time he had finished putting on both the rings. He wasn’t complaining about it. It was gratifying to know that he had that effect on her.

There was something she wasn’t comfortable about, but which she could not put her hands on, and which he didn’t realize.

—

To be continued

When she saw her daughter’s bloodshot eyes, obviously from crying, it wasn’t easy for her to not to say or do anything. But she left Paritosh in her room and came back without saying anything. Rupali was looking at them with puzzle, uncertainty and fear in her eyes. Despite the successful operation, Mouli could not let go of a nagging feeling that she won’t survive for long. She was going to leave Rupali alone. If she found love and guardianship in Paritosh, what could be better than that? But for that to happen, she had to let them resolve their issues themselves. She had given the push she could. She had tried to help Paritosh overcome his insecurities. Rupali didn’t seem to have any issues. If anything she was too sure of whom she wanted in her life. So sure that she couldn’t move on even when faced with the possibility that she might never get him. She sent up a silent prayer for her daughter’s happiness and lied down on the bed. Weakness and exhaustion put her to sleep despite her mental anxiety about what would be the outcome of Paritosh’ and Rupali’s meeting.

—

After her mother left, Rupali miserably looked around the room, trying to fix her eyes anywhere but at Paritosh.

“Rupali…”

“Why are you here now? I hate you,” she turned away from him.

“Do you?” he could not help smiling, despite feeling wretched for her as well as himself.

She did not reply and Paritosh realized that she had started crying again, silently this time. He went around so that he could stand facing her. He wiped her tears with his hands and said gently, “Please stop crying. I know I have been an idiot, a jerk. But I should be the one suffering for it. Not you.”

“I have been doomed to suffer since the day I attended your first class. I wish I had never met you.”

“I hope… I sincerely hope what you have said is not true, Rupali. That you are not doomed to suffer because of me. Because if that is true, how would I ever ask you for your love, company and friendship? I have no doubt that our not meeting would have made no difference in your life. If anything, you might have been happier than you would ever be with me. But for me… my life would have been a dead end forever. I would never have known what it is like to love and be loved.”

“You would have liked that better, wouldn’t you? After all someone as frivolous and fickle as me could not be serious.”

“I’m sorry. I am so sorry, Rupali. For every time I have misunderstood you. For every moment I mistrusted you. Punish me whichever way you want, but don’t keep it in your heart, please.”

“I never blamed you for mistrusting me earlier. But how could you not trust these nights? How could you be so grossly unfair?

“I wasn’t thinking straight Rupali. My mind was too clouded; I was too misguided in my beliefs…”

“What has brought about this change of heart anyway? What did Ma tell you? Did she beg you accept me or what?” her face contorted. She obviously detested the idea. But she thought it quite probable.

“She only helped me understand myself, Rupali.”

“Just go away Dr. Khanna. I don’t want to talk to you.ow H”

“I will go away. I will be miserable, but I will go away, because I deserve the misery. But only if you promise and convince me that you won’t cry.”

“Fine. I promise,” she turned away and immediately started crying again.

“Oh God! Please Rupali,” he held her hand and turned her around, “What do I do to…” And in desperation he went down on his knees. “Please forgive me Rupali and give us another chance.”

“What are you doing?” Rupali was stunned by his gesture, “Please get up.” She was miserable and mortified. But he didn’t get up and remained there with his head bowed. She looked at him in desperate silence for a few moments. Then she too went down on her knees to face him. “Don’t do this. Please Dr. Khanna. I’m… I could not let go of you, even when you shunned me. How could I do so when you were ready to accept me? You didn’t need to do this. I would have come around by morning. Or probably the moment you had stepped out of this room…”

“You would have,” he looked at her and said in calm and collected voice now, “But I have to pay for what I have done to you. I have to be punished…”

“For the first time, Dr. Khanna, I got a chance to act out before you,” she smiled through her tears, “And I got carried away. I don’t want you to pay for anything. Or punish you… What could I possibly gain from that…”

“Then act out as much as you want, to your heart’s content.” He smiled back lovingly. They got up together. He cupped her face and caressed it for a moment before pulling her in his embrace. She happily obliged and responded. Tears started flowing again from her eyes, but this time in happiness and relief.

—

Rupali had peeped into her mother’s room after seeing Paritosh off. She was asleep. So, they met only in the morning. While Rupali had hardly been able to sleep with excitement and was out of the bed rather early, Mouli woke up later than usual. Her weak and tired body needed to make up for the exertion of the night. She immediately sought Rupali out on waking up. Rupali was having tea and breakfast in her room.

“Good morning, Ma. How are you? I was getting late, so didn’t wait for you for breakfast.”

“No problem, sweetie. But you tell me first. How are you?”

Rupali smiled nervously and blushed slightly. “I am fine, Ma. And I am sorry.”

“Sorry?”

“For what I had been doing.”

“I wish I had known sooner, Rupa.”

“Ma,” Rupali averted her eyes, “I was ashamed of myself. I was behaving very irresponsibly. I didn’t have the heart to tell you.”

Mouli looked sadly at her daughter. She was so terrified of being irresponsible, of letting her mother down. She deserved to relax a little. Hopefully in Paritosh’ company, she would be able to do that. Sometimes Mouli could not help wondering who felt more responsible for the other. She towards her daughter, or her daughter towards her.

“I have seen a little bit more of the world than you have, Rupa. I could have helped you.” Rupali nodded and didn’t say anything. Mouli spoke again, “There is something I want to tell you now. He is older than you and more mature. I can see that you respect him a lot. You probably think that he always knows better and is sure about things. That would be true most of the time. You would do well to listen to his advice when there is a difference of opinion between you. But as far as the power equation of this relationship is concerned, he is the one who is insecure. He has a past to deal with. He is the one concerned that he might be too old for you and that he may not live up to your expectations. Observe those signs of insecurities and make sure that you assure him of his insecurities being misplaced. I am not asking you to go overboard and make a speech about it every now and then. It is more subtle than that. I’m sure you understand, don’t you?”

Rupali mulled over it for a while and then said, “I think I do. Thanks Ma. I had never thought of it this way.” It dawned on her that what she had seen as his attempts at shunning her, were in reality his self-defence; an attempt to stop himself from dreaming too much and getting hurt when the dreams went unfulfilled.

“God bless you my child,” Mouli patted her head, “Now hurry up. You are getting late, aren’t you?”

“Your medicines and breakfast…”

“Don’t bother. Pammi would be here any moment,” she referred to their house help, “She will make me the breakfast.”

“And Ma,” Rupali added hesitantly and with slight blush, “I may… have to go out… for dinner tonight…”

“Have to?” Mouli laughed, “You want to darling. And you don’t have to take my permission.”

Rupali grinned and went out.

—

“Wow! You still have the BMW?” Rupali exclaimed when Paritosh came to pick her up for dinner.

“What do you mean?”

“The last I had seen it was…” she left the sentence incomplete. He would know that she was talking about the last time they had gone for dinner. “I never saw you driving it recently. I thought you had sold it off.”

“No. I just bought a regular car. BMW is overkill for day to day driving.”

This was special driving, all right. But what struck her was something else. All those years back, she hadn’t thought much about him driving a luxury car. The entire world had seemed buyable then once you ‘started working’. But she knew better now. A professor’s salary was hardly enough to get loan for a sedan. BMW!! And then another car. Was he that rich? And extravagant? But her thoughts were soon occupied with his black suit, in which he looked so graceful and handsome. Was it the same one as the last time? Or given his casual purchase of a car, had he bought a few dozens since then?

He drove to the same restaurant. Not much had changed in its decor or menu. There couldn’t have been an environment more conducive for a déjà vu. Or rather one for bringing the memories back. When the headwaiter gave them options for the tables they could have, Paritosh chose the same one they were seated on last time. Rupali was nervous and excited at the same time.

“Do you drink?” he asked her when they were handed the menu.

She smiled slightly and nodded. Then without waiting for him she called the waiter, “Two mojitos, please.”

He laughed slightly, “You remember?”

“You do too, it seems.”

“Yes. I remember. I remember everything,” he said somberly, “I remember that you had said you’d come back after Ph. D. and you did!”

“Why are you looking so sad about it?”

“Not sad, Rupali. Thoughtful.”

—

To be continued

“The moon is up, Dr. Khanna. It is not a dark night. The world is not silhouettes and outlines. You can’t escape it,” Rupali did not open the gate, even though that was only a nominal barrier. Both of them stood taller than the low grill gate, as they talked.

“Yes,” his spoke in a mortified voice, “It was idiotic on my part to even try and escape it. I am sorry, Rupali. I am really sorry.”

“Sorry for what?”

“For dragging you into this bizarre foolish business. I don’t know what I was thinking. Probably I wasn’t thinking at all…”

“Bizarre yes. But foolish it wasn’t for me. What is your problem?”

“It is wrong, Rupali.”

“I have heard that before, and I had silently accepted that. But you can’t keep doing this to yourself and to me, Dr. Khanna. What is wrong?”

“You are so young Rupali.”

“I am not a minor. I am an adult and can take my decisions.”

“I’m an old, married man. My life is at a dead end.”

“It doesn’t have to.”

“But it is.”

“Why? I know you care for your wife. And I admire you so much for that. But do you love her so much that you can’t move on?”

“It’s not about me. It is about you, Rupali,” he said in a small voice.

“What about me?”

“I have told you that I am no longer angry about it. But when I had first come to know about the bet, I hadn’t acted sportingly. And you seem to be carrying the guilt and remorse since then. You don’t have to be stuck on it, or on me. You have a life full of possibilities before you. Go live it. I can’t punish you life-long for a small childish prank.”

Paritosh found her eyes downcast and she didn’t speak for a while. He assumed that she agreed with him and started moving away, when she finally spoke, “What you have been punishing me all these years for, Dr. Khanna, is a mistake I never made.” Her voice was low and sad, but firm.

“Excuse me?”

“You are so wise, so mature. How could you not see it, Dr. Khanna? It never was a bloody bet. It was never a bet, never a prank. Could you never see it? Not even in all these years? Not after all these years?”

“You are not serious, Rupali,” his voice quivered. He needed a confirmation.

“No. Why would I be serious?” she mistook his question to be a serious objection, “When have I ever been serious? Has there been anything serious in how much I respected you? Nor was I serious in admiring you for how nice, caring and generous you were. I wasn’t serious when I was so affected by your pain, your hurt that I desperately wanted to do something to ease it, wipe it off. I wasn’t serious when I was desperately trying to tell you that what you had heard in the lab that night was a gross misunderstanding. Yes! There had been a bet in a moment of frivolity that you are so willing to excuse. But I had long forgotten about it. But no. Why should that matter? I wasn’t serious, when minute by minute, day by day I was falling in love with you. And I wasn’t serious when in last six years in US I had tried hard to move on from you, from my heartbreak, but had failed miserably. I wasn’t serious when I had followed everything about you obsessively, so obsessively that everyone, all my friends, if I could ever make one, had given up on me. The most concerned ones sent me to a psychiatrist and he kept telling me how unhealthy all of this was. Still, I could not get over it. There was absolutely, nothing serious in any of it. And since coming here… No. Nothing. Zilch. Zero. No seriousness at all. I have been playing pranks with you, with myself, with my life, with my mother who worries so much about me and my future. How can I be serious? Running out of the house at midnight to spend those few moments with you which you would not grant me in daylight. It has all been a game for me, I have been immature, I have been an idiot and I, of course, don’t care about you. How can I be serious?”

She broke into a sob and stepped back. Just then Paritosh noticed someone stepping out of the verandah. Even if it had been a dark night, it wouldn’t have been a rocket science to guess who it was. But there was no need to guess. He saw Mouli very clearly and flushed with embarrassment. He was already regretting his visit to her in the morning. And now this. With Rupali crying. What an impression he was going to create on her? All his life, his reputation was all he had earned. Whatever be his personal miseries, nobody ever got a chance to point fingers at his public conduct or his behaviour with others. And now. In one stroke, he had undone it. But no. It wasn’t even one stroke that he could blame momentary lapse of judgement for it. He had been building up to his destruction and still he had not stopped himself.

Rupali turned her back at him to walk into the house and stopped in her tracks on seeing her mother. She got sick with worry.

“Ma. What happened? Are you all right?” she stopped crying from the shock of seeing her mother.

“I am fine. But obviously you are not,” Mouli replied.

“Ma.” Once assured of her wellbeing, Rupali’s own grief overwhelmed her again and tears came back.

Paritosh stood glued to his spot feeling foolish and mortified.

“Why don’t you open the gate and let Paritosh in?” Mouli said.

“I won’t.”

“This is no way to handle the problems, Rupa.”

“There is nothing to be handled, Ma. Please. Let’s go inside. This is no time for you to remain awake.”

“Open the gate for him and go inside. To your room.” Her voice was commanding this time and Rupali could not disobey. She walked to the gate, opened it and mumbled in a steely voice, “I will never forgive you if something happened to Ma.” Then she turned back without waiting for him or Mouli and went to her room. She started sobbing again once inside her room. Why this mess? What had she done to deserve this? Probably all the admonitions of her psychiatrist were correct. It wasn’t his American view of things that didn’t understand her love. Her feelings were indeed hopeless and unhealthy.

Meanwhile Paritosh walked in slowly, although he would have liked nothing better than running away from there and hiding in some remote corner of the world, where nobody could find and question him. But as Mouli had so wisely said, that was no way to handle the problems.

—

“Tell me more about yourself,” Mouli said after they were seated in the hall, Paritosh’ head bowed. He wasn’t able to meet her eyes.

“Excuse me?” He looked up surprised. He was expecting to be blasted, insulted, blamed, preached, questioned; anything but asked more about himself.

“My daughter has driven herself crazy after you, Paritosh. And from the little I heard, it has been the case for several years now. It is only fair that I should like to know more about you than I do.”

Paritosh took a deep breath before replying. His head was bowed again as he spoke, “I don’t even want to imagine what the circumstances make me look like. But I am not as bad a person, as I currently appear Mrs. Banerjee. I will never be able to justify some of the things I have done recently, but if anybody has to suffer for my mistakes it has to be me.”

“I heard your objections Paritosh. You said you were married. I hope my daughter is not foolish enough to be in love with a married man and try to make it work. I hope there is more to it… I haven’t seen your wife and you never spoke about her either.”

“Right,” he could see that Mouli was getting impatient with his ramblings and worried about her daughter, she was more interested in getting facts. Briefly he told her about his wife.

“I am sorry,” Mouli felt for him. She had known the pain of loneliness all her life. “I appreciate your care for your wife, Paritosh. But I hope you understand that there is nothing wrong in you moving on.”

“No. There isn’t, I guess.”

“Then? Are her feelings one-sided? It seems unlikely, otherwise what were you doing here at this hour?”

Paritosh rubbed his face with his palms and let out a sigh, “No. I had thought mine to be one-sided. And misunderstood her repeatedly. But either way, I am ashamed of myself for how I feel.”

“Why?”

“I… am… surprised that you are asking me that, Mrs. Banerjee. She has been my student. She is so much younger to me…”

“I know,” Mouli interrupted and looked thoughtful for a moment. She was trying to gather her thoughts. “But Paritosh. She is not an idiot and you are not unscrupulous. I can see that much.”

“I have tried not to be. Although I am afraid I have failed miserably at times. Otherwise this would not have happened.”

“Paritosh. I have seen a bit of the world. And the relationships. The most unusual, unexpected ones sometimes become most successful. And the ones everyone looks forward to may fall apart. Because at the end of the day, what the world thinks essential does not matter in a relationship. Only the two people making the relationship matter. If the two of you can find happiness with each other, why should anything else matter?”

“This… comes from… such an unexpected quarter that I don’t know what to say. Forget about me, are you convinced that she has made the right decision for herself?”

Mouli sighed, “We – mother & daughter – are close. But it is a strange closeness. She doesn’t always talk to me. So, I don’t know what is going on in her mind. However, she hasn’t made wrong decisions for herself for most part. She has grown up fatherless, Paritosh. She has seen me struggle as a single parent. I think she grew mature for her age. I never had to scold her for her studies. For anything, in fact. She never asked for extra pocket-money, never got into any kind of trouble. She has been responsible since she was fairly young. So, when I don’t see anything obviously wrong, I trust her decisions.”

Paritosh sighed and appeared to be contemplating on what Mouli said.

“And Paritosh,” Mouli added as an afterthought, “As I told you, she has grown fatherless. She didn’t even have a father-figure in her life. Her uncle was too young, and at best like an older brother to her. So, I would not be surprised, if she looks for maturity and responsibility in her life partner. It is possible that you being older is not only not a negative, but actually a positive for her, although she doesn’t probably consciously think about it this way. And one final thing… I have never seen her cry this badly. Not when her exams went bad, or when she hurt herself physically, not even when she had been told as six-year old that her beloved Baba would never ever come back home…” Mouli looked like she was reliving the time of her husband’s death. Sadness and pain obvious on her face.

Her words jolted Paritosh out of his thoughts. She had been crying so piteously. And he was busy resolving his own confusions! He stood up suddenly, “Mrs. Banerjee. With everything that has already happened, there is hardly any pretence of appropriateness left. Can I please meet her? Where is her room?”

Mouli nodded and got up herself, “I will take you there.”

—

To be continued

“Beautiful night! Sombre mother of Day!
Scarcely less resplendent and delightful,
And even more mysteriously lovely!”

Paritosh recited a poem sitting on Rupali’s verandah.

“You wrote that?” Rupali asked.

“No. It is by somebody called C. B. Langston. Had read it on Internet. Don’t know anything about the poet though.”

“But it must have been written for a night like this.”

“Hmm…”

“Why did you fall in love with night, Dr. Khanna?”

“It obscures everything I don’t want to see. What remains are silhouettes, outlines… You can fill them with your imaginations. Your imaginations can be as happy as you want.”

“I had never thought I would find night so attractive?”

“Why did you fall in love with it?”

“Because it started giving me what I couldn’t have at any other time.”

“But night is ephemeral. It won’t last. Nor would anything it gives you.”

“So is the day. What is not ephemeral?” She bent and rested her head on his knees, “But while the night lasts, it is a bliss.”

She felt his hands patting and caressing her head. She was woken up by him after a while. She did not know what time it was. He whispered to her, “Close the gate after me. Sleep well.”

—

“You write poetry, don’t you Dr. Khanna?”

“How do you know?”

“When I asked you yesterday if the poem was yours, you weren’t surprised. So, it could have been yours.”

Paritosh would have laughed. But he couldn’t make that kind of noise at night. So, he controlled it to a chuckle. “Very clever, Dr. Banerjee.”

“Recite something for me, please.”

“Poets are known to be narcissists, who write boring stuff and think very clever of themselves.”

“I wish… The only one I know is so full of self-doubt that… Anyway. Recite one, please.”

“It’s in Hindi.”

“I understand Hindi.”

“मन के पीछे चलने वाले,
मन के साथ भटकना होगा।

हाँ, अभी देखी थी मन ने
रंग-बिरंगी-सी वह तितली
फूल-फूल पे भटक रही थी
जाने किसकी खोज में पगली।

पर वह पीछे छूट गई है
इन्द्रधनुष जो वह सुन्दर है
अब उसको ही तकना होगा।”

(Author’s Note: If you don’t read or understand Hindi, please see the transliteration and translation in the previous post)

She stayed silent for a moment, then asked, “You believe that, Dr. Khanna?”

“Here. Now. In this world. I do.”

He leaned towards her and put his arms around her. She was sleeping on his shoulders, when he woke her up. “Close the gate after me, Rupali. Good night.”

—

“This coolness in air,
Tranquillity, silence so rare,
No concerns, not a care,
Dreams and imaginations flare.

Who are those unfortunate creatures,
Who lose their peace at night?
A thousand sunny days cannot
Match up to a moment this bright.”

“This one is yours,” Rupali declared.

“How do you know?”

“I just know.”

“You are so sure?”

“Now I am.”

“Now?”

“If it wasn’t, you would have objected as soon as I claimed it was yours. In the true spirit of avoiding plagiarism and giving accurate citations.”

Paritosh chuckled.

“I am dead serious,” Rupali pouted and although he could not see it, he could feel it.

“I’m sure you are.”

“I tried finding poems about night on Internet. But most people, including poets, seem to find nights gloomy.”

“Why don’t you write one yourself?”

“I don’t have the talent.”

“You have the heart. Don’t worry about rhyming or techniques. People like us don’t have to adorn the pages of literary textbooks.”

It was her turn to chuckle, “I guess not.”

He put his arms around her and pulled her closer, “We can write for ourselves.”

“And for each other,” she mumbled as her heavy eyelids closed. The next thing she remembered was being woken up by him. Her head had been resting on his chest. “Close the door, Rupali. And go to your bed.”

—

And so the days… rather the nights went by. It had been over a week since Rupali and Paritosh had met accidentally after midnight. And effect of their surreal nightly meetings was evident in how she felt the entire day. Happy, spirited. Despite the fact that the entire week she hadn’t seen him during the day at all. After the first night, she had thought of meeting him the first thing in the morning. But then she had remembered. “There is a beautiful, peaceful world we see here, Rupali. But it would be impossible to recreate it in the morning.” She didn’t think so. But if he did, what choice did she have except to respect it? She would not see him during the day unless absolutely necessary.

If she told her psychiatrist in US about this, he’d definitely declare them both unstable and in the need of psychiatric care. Probably he’d be right. But she didn’t care. She was happy and she wanted to be happy.

But the world of dreams could not last forever. It was close to six in the evening. She was about to leave, but had some administrative work to take care of. Meher was not at her seat and she had to wait for her. When Meher came back, she was visibly disturbed.

“Everything all right?” Rupali asked her.

“I don’t know Dr. Banerjee. What has come upon Dr. Khanna?”

“What about Dr. Khanna?” she was immediately alarmed.

“The last few months that he has been here, I have never seen him shouting at anyone, scolding anyone. Have you?”

“No. Never. Not even earlier.”

“And for last few days, he is getting on everyone’s nerves. Including mine and other staff. Scolding them for even slightest of what he considers oversight. He blasted me over a small spelling mistake in a letter right now. My ‘there’ and ‘their’ got mixed up.”

“Oh! That’s odd…”

“I am irritated right now. But if you ask me, I worry more for him. Something is terribly wrong with him. Anyway. Why am I boring you with all this? Just another day at work. You were waiting for me?”

“Uh… Yeah,” Rupali had difficulty remembering what she had come for, because her mind was busy trying to make sense of what Meher had told her about Paritosh just now. Why was he so disturbed? “These are some reimbursement claims,” she handed the papers to Meher, “Will you take care of them?”

“Sure.”

Rupali quickly signed the forms Meher asked her to and rushed to Paritosh’ office. The sight of him disconcerted her. He hadn’t shaven for at least two to three days. His usually impeccable clothes were crumpled. His eyes were red.

“Rupali?”

There was one thing about him, which would be obvious to anyone who met him then, but which Meher had not told her. He was drunk. And not one serving of a cocktail that wouldn’t have any effect on him. He was really drunk.

A stupefied, angry and perplexed Rupali did not stay there to ask for and receive any explanations. She turned back and ran away from there.

“Rupa. Is everything all right?” Mouli enquired with concern when Rupali came home. She had stayed in her office long enough to get a hold on her emotions. Even though it meant risking leaving her mother alone. The nurse had left at her usual time. She didn’t think her countenance gave anything away about her inner turmoil. Why was her mother so concerned then?

“Yes Ma. What happened? Why did you ask that?”

“Nothing. I… just…I think I sometimes worry too much these days.”

“Don’t do that Ma. And Ma. Now you can walk a little right? I will introduce you to the wives of some faculty members here. You can visit them, or invite them when I am not here. Staying alone with the nurse can’t be too good for you.”

“Paritosh spends some time with me every day.”

“That’s great.”

Mouli noticed a subtle change in her daughter when she mentioned Paritosh. Something was indeed wrong.

“Actually Rupa…”

“What is it, Ma?”

“Paritosh was acting strange today. He asked me so many times how you were doing and whether there was any reason to worry about you. If anything, I had noticed that you were very happy for last few days. So, I didn’t understand him. But he looked so glum and asked so many times without offering any explanation for his concern that I got worried.”

“What?” Now Rupali was positively angry at Paritosh. Had he come like that to her mother? Drunk, unshaven, asking questions that worried her? What was he thinking? “That’s unacceptable, Ma. He shouldn’t have worried you like that. I will ask him to stop seeing you.”

“Don’t do anything like that. He is a complete gentleman. I think he needs help. Something is matter with him.”

“Possibly Ma. But I can’t have you getting worried. It is not good for your health.”

“I won’t worry from now on, I promise. Don’t fret now. He is your boss. Don’t fight with him.”

—

To be continued