How could a simple decision about accepting or declining an invitation for a guest lecture be so agonising? But it was so for Ashutosh. The e-mail with the invitation had come from Dr. Mathew, whom he had known for several years. Mathew had recently joined the pediatrics department at AIIMS and wanted Ashutosh to give a lecture in his class. Typically such requests were honoured in the profession. But this was for AIIMS. And it meant…

He re-read the e-mail. It was for the first year students. Nidhi would be in her second year now. He would be able to avoid her, he told himself, and sent his acceptance.

—

“Ashutosh. That was a great lecture. You should be in an insittute like this. Achchhe teachers ki bahut zaroorat hai is profession mein. Being a good teacher, along with being a good doctor is so rare. Students tumhein sach mein sun rahe the, yaar. It was too good,” Ashutosh was in Mathew’s office after delivering the lecture.

“You are going overboard, Mathew. Maine koi aisa aasmaan se taare todne waala kaam nahin kiya hai.”

“Ashutosh. Main din-raat students se deal karta hoon. Trust me I know their reactions. Stop being so humble yaar. Lucknow mein kya kar rahe ho tum? Come to Delhi. AIIMS will more than welcome you.”

“Sab log Delhi hi aa gaye to Lucknow ka kya hoga, Mathew? Main wahin theek hoon.” Lucknow and Baba were connected. Ashutosh could not imagine settling down anywhere other than Lucknow.

“Achchha suno. About the lunch…”

“May I come in, Sir?” someone knocked at the office door interrupting them.

Ashutosh froze on hearing the voice.

“Please come in. Who is this… Oh. Dr. Nidhi Verma. Please come. Are… Main aapko batana kaise bhool gaya, Dr. Nidhi ki Dr. Ashutosh yahan aaye hain? Aap logon ko to introduce karwane ki zaroorat nahin hai.”

Ashutosh and Nidhi stared at each other. Nidhi in surprise, and Ashutosh in embarrassment. He couldn’t have said why he was embarrassed though. Was it for coming to AIIMS, or was it for not informing her?

—

To be continued

Rangnath had invited Ashutosh to his and Anji’s wedding and he had readily agreed surprising everyone. He had never been the one to be seen around in parties or weddings. But since Nidhi had left, he had withdrawn even further. These days it was difficult to draw him out even for any official functions in the hospital.

But on second thoughts, Rangnath realized, it was not so surprising after all. Nidhi was going to attend the wedding. This was the first time she was coming back to Lucknow since her internship had ended. She had refused all earlier requests from Baba, Dadi Bua and Anji. She had secured admission for PG at AIIMS and had stayed on in Delhi. It was finally Anji’s wedding that she could not say no to.

—

“Hello, Dr. Nidhi,” Mallika greeted Nidhi.

“Hello, Dr. Mallika. Kaisi hain aap?”

“Main theek hoon. Aur aap?”

Nidhi just smiled and did not say anything.

“Ashutosh theek nahin hain Nidhi,” Mallika sounded desperate all of a sudden.

“Kya phir se Dr. Hardstone ban gaye hain?” she chuckled sadly.

“Nahin. Unfortunately woh bhi nahin. Pahle kam se kam apne dard ko gusse ki tarah logon par nikaal dete the. Ab woh bhi nahin karte. Children’s ward mein bachchon ke saath jitni der hanste-khelte hain, bas utni der hi lagta hai ki woh ek zinda insaan hain. Uske alaawa zaroori baaton ke alaawa apni zubaan bhi nahin kholte. Aise to maine pahle unhein kabhi nahin dekha. Pahle jab koi cheez chhin jaati thi to woh bitter ho jaate the, obsessed bhi ho jaate the. Unhein woh cheez wapas chahiye hoti thi. Ab to woh Baba ke ghar ke baare mein bhi kabhi baat nahin karte. Dr. Armaan bata rahe the ki…”

“Baba ka ghar? Matlab? Kaun sa ghar?”

“Aapko nahin pata? Ashutosh ke Baba ka ghar jo unke Baba unhein na dekar apne kissi aur rishtedaar ke naam kar gaye the. Shayad apni naatin ke…”

“Unke Baba ki nishaani ek ghar hai?” Nidhi got the shock of her life.

“Haan.”

“Aapko pata hai ki woh ghar kahan hai?”

“Mujhe to nahin pata. Lekin Dr. Armaan ko shayad pata hoga. Unhone hi mujhe bataya tha ki Ashutosh ab uski taraf se bhi udaaseen ho gaye hain…”

“Dr. Armaan hain yahan?”

“Nahin. Woh to abhi Lucknow mein nahin hai.”

“Main unse phone par baat karti hoon. Excuse me, Dr. Mallika.”

Nidhi locked herself in a room and tried to get her thoughts in control.  Was it the same house? She took a deep breath and dialed Armaan’s number. Armaan only had a sketchy idea about the location of the house, but it was enough to confirm her suspicion.

She cried her heart out. Out of remorse. And also out of joy. Remorse because a house that he had pined for was with her all these years. She was the reason of his pain. But she was overjoyed too. Thank God that the house was with her, and not somebody esle. At least there was something she could do for him.

Ashutosh hadn’t come to the wedding yet. Rangnath had told her that he was expected. The house papers were at home. She hadn’t seen any point of taking them to Delhi with her. She never even thought about the house. She hadn’t agreed to sell it simply because there was no pressing reason to sell it. She took one of the cars hired for wedding arrangements, went home and got back with the papers. Ashutosh had still not come.

“Dr. Mallika. Dr. Ashutosh nahin aaye ab tak?”

“Pata nahin Dr. Nidhi. Dr. Rangnath to kah rahe the ki aayenge. Lekin… Phone bhi off hai…”

“Oh!” Was she not going to see him, then?

Anji was mad at her for having disappeared, “Kaisi dost hai tu, Nidhi? Kuchh khayaal bhi hai tujhe meri kya halat ho rahi hai.”

“Sorry Anji. Kuchh zaroori kaam yaad aa gaya tha. Lekin ab tu ghabra mat. Main poori raat tera saath nahin chhodne waali. Jab tak Dr. Rangnath khud mujhe bhaga na dein.”

“Chup kar. Mujhe chidhane se teri galti nahin chhip jayegi. Ab jaldi taiyaar hone mein meri help kar. Ye dekh nail-polish nikal aayi hai. Remover kahan hai?”

“Shaant ho ja, Anji. Main hoon na yahan ab.”

—

Wedding got over at three in the morning. Anji and Rangnath left straight for his house. The arrangements there had been taken care of by the wedding planners and Rangnath’s colleagues from the hospital. Anji understood that with Ashutosh’ absence, Nidhi wasn’t in the most cheerful state. She had still been by her side all night as promised. So, she did not insist when Nidhi excused herself from accompanying her to her new home!

Those who weren’t going with Anji had decided to rest until morning at the wedding venue itself. Nidhi sneaked out of the room she was supposed to be sleeping in and went to the garden. The papers were in her hands. Ashutosh hadn’t turned up at the wedding. His phone was also switched off. What could have happened. Had he fallen sick? But why would his phone be off in that case? He would have informed Rangnath, as a matter of courtesy. Why disappear? If it was to avoid her, why had he accepted to come in the first place?

—

Nidhi looked at her watch. It was five in the morning. Late enough for her to go out. Early enough that the tired wedding attendees would not wake up for at least three to four hours. Before leaving she rummaged through her luggage and took out some CDs.

She drove to his house. Hiraman Kaka opened the door for her and was pleasantly surprised to see her, “Dr. Nidhi. Aap? Aaiye na.”

“Dr. Ashutosh hain?”

“Ashutosh to kal shaam ko shahar se bahar chala gaya. Bataya bhi nahin ki kab lautega. Lekin Armaan abhi wapas aata hoga.”

“Ji. Theek hai. Dr. Armaan se mil kar jaungi.”

“Aaiye please.”

Nidhi exchanged pleasantries with Armaan when he came. Then she finally asked, “Dr. Ashutosh kaise hain?”

Armaan sighed, “Pata nahin. I don’t know, Nidhi. I really don’t.”

“Kya baat hai Dr. Armaan?”

“Pahle bhi kuchh kam complicated nahin tha woh aur us ghar ko lekar uska obsession. Lekin at least ye pata tha ki wohi uska aim hai life mein. Ab to kuchh samajh mein nahin aata. Apne baare mein to kuchh baat hi nahin karta. Itna bhi pooochhoon ki din kaisa raha to baat badal deta hai. Ek baar maine us ghar ki baat chhedi to kahne laga ki nahin chahiye use woh ghar. Agar woh obsessed nahin hai to achchhi baat hai. Lekin aisa lagta hai ki koi aim bhi nahin rah gaya hai uski life mein. Aaj kal to mere jokes par gussata tak nahin hai. Pahle se bhi zyada waqt hospital mein bitata hai. Kya kahoon ki kya baat hai? Aise dekho to kuchh bhi galat nahin hai. Lekin kuchh sahi bhi nahin hai.” Nidhi’s eyes were glued to the floor and she was biting her lips as When he noticed that, he grew apologetic, “I am sorry. Maine aapko pareshaan kar diya.”

“Nahin. Aap sorry kyon bol rahe hain? Aap bas unhein ye packet de dijiyega. Main chalti hoon.”

“Nashta to kar leti…”

“Nahin. Wapas jaana hai. Kissi ko bata kar nahin aayi hoon. Sab jag jayenge to mujhe dhoondhenge…”

“Nidhi,” Armaan spoke again, “Ek aur baat thi.”

“Ji.”

“Mera ye project agle paanch-chah mahinon mein khatm hone waala hai. Uske baad main wapas chala jaunga. Ashutosh aur bhi akela…”

Nidhi looked away, not knowing what to say, but fully understanding the impact of his words.

“Ashutosh naaraaz hoga agar use pata chalega ki maine tumse ye kaha hai. Lekin kya tum apne Baba se baat nahin kar sakti? Koi to tareeka hoga unhein convince karne ka?”

“Mere paas koi plan nahin hai, Dr. Armaan. Lekin itna assure karti hoon ki maine give up nahin kiya hai.”

Nidhi left, but Armaan smiled. There was some hope after all.

—

To be continued

—

To be continued

Mallika was alone in the common room, sipping a cup of tea, when Rangnath walked in.

“Ye kaise ho gaya, Dr. Mallika? Aap akeli baithi hain. Aapke admirers ki queue kahan gayi?” he teased.

“Aapko dekh kar bhaag gayi.”

“Kya baat kar rahi hain? Hamari aisi kismat kahan? Waise akele-akele soch kya rahi hain aap?”

“Agar main kuchh sochne layak soch rahi thi, to aapko lagta hai ki aapko batana achchha idea hai?”

“Yahi to problem hai na, Dr. Mallika. Aap kissi aur ko mauka hi nahin deti.”

“Koi kaise decide karta hai ki kisko mauka dena hai, kisko nahin?”

“Jahan tak muhje maaloon hai, iski koi exact diagnosis to nahin hoti, koi prescription bhi nahin hai. Bas dil ki aawaaz sunni padti hai.”

“Aur agar jiske liye aapka dil aawaaz lagaye, uske dil mein aapke liye koi jagah na ho to?”

“To phir live-happily-every-after ki jagah aapko shaayar banna padta hai. Aapne suna hai – Viyogi hoga pahla kavi, aah se nikla hoga gaan…”

“Suna to nahin tha ab tak, lekin samajh mein aa raha hai.”

“Bas uski hi zaroorat hai. Lekin “tu nahin aur sahi” to suna hoga. Woh bhi achchha jumla hai.”

Mallika laughed. But it was a sad laughter.

Just then Ashutosh and Nidhi walked into the room. Mallika noticed that they sitffened on seeing her there.

“Aao Ashutosh, Dr. Nidhi. Dr. Rangnath mujhe life ki philosophy samjha rahe the. Aap log bhi join kijiye,” Mallika’t tone was genuine, friendly and pleasant. Nidhi and Ashutosh were surprised, and a little suspicious. Was it going to followed by some jab? But Ashutosh smiled sweetly at Mallika and sat down across the sofa.

“Aap chai lenge ya coffee?” Nidhi asked him.

“Coffee. Thanks Nidhi.”

Nidhi went to the dispensing machine to get their drinks.

“Dr. Rangnath ki philosophy to kaafee rangeen hogi, Mallika. Hum log uska kya karenge?”Ashutosh continued the conversation.

“Sir. Kya chauka maara aapne aate hi! Ek hi sentence mein mujhe duniya ka sabse useless insaan saabit kar diya.”

Ashutosh laughed, “Useful aur useless context mein hote hain, Dr. Rangnath. Ab aapka jo charm patients ki beemaari nahin theek kar sakta, woh aapko ek able administrator banne mein help to karta hi hai.”

“Pata nahin aapne ek doctor ki burai ki ya ek administrator ki tareef ki. Lekin chaliye. Main taareef hi maan kar khush ho leta hoon.”

Nidhi’s mobile rang. She disconnected it and gave Ashutosh his coffee, “Main chalti hoon, Sir. Anji mujhe pickup karne aa gayi hai.”

“All right.”

“Good night, Sir. Good night Dr. Mallika, Dr. Rangnath.”

“Main aapko darwaze tak pahuncha kar aata hoon,” Rangnath said eagerly.

“Mujhe? Dr. Rangnath, aap theek to hain? Main is hospital mein almost ek saal se kaam kar rahi hoon.”

“To kya hua? Chivalry naam ki koi cheez hoti hai ki nahin?”

Nidhi, Ashutosh and Mallika looked at each other with knowing smiles. Then Nidhi burst out laughing. “Main samajh gayi, aapki chivalry kiske liye chhalak rahi hai. Chaliye. Lekin kuchh aisa mat kijiyega ki use gussa aa jaye. Main apni evening kharaab nahin karna chahti.”

“Kaise bahki-bahki baatein kar rahi hain aap, Dr. Nidhi. Chaliye to sahi.”

Ashutosh and Mallika laughed out loud after they had left.

“Dr. Rangnath incorrigible hain,” Mallika said.

“I know,” Ashutosh replied and looked at Mallika curiously.

“Kya hua? Aise kya dekh rahe ho?”

“Pata nahin. Kuchh different behave kar rahi ho aaj.”

“Change is the only constant, Ashutosh.”

“Yeah. Aur mujhe ye feel ho raha hai ki it is for good.”

“Shayad.”

“Great. Chalo – main chalta hoon. Kal subah jaldi aana hai. Tum nikal rahi ho?”

“Nahin. Meri night duty hai.”

“Okay. Bye Mallika.”

“Bye Ashutosh.”

—

Ashutosh smiled as he sat in his car. Nidhi had told him about her conversation with Mallika. They had been unable to understand Mallika’s intent behind questioning Nidhi. But now he was hopeful. The mature calmness with which she had behaved in the common room gave him hope. She might just have been happy about Nidhi’s imminent departure from Ashutosh’ life. But Ashutosh had a feeling that it was different. That Mallika was leaving her obsession and self-centred world-view behind. And she was looking at things as they were, not as she wanted them to be. If that was indeed the case, it would save her from further heartaches. Nidhi had finally managed to affect even Mallika positively! If Nidhi were around, he would have liked to pull her in a tight hug. Good that she wasn’t.

—

To be continued

The girl was three-year old, Nidhi was informed. Badly bruised with a limp in her left leg, howling in pain. Nidhi fruitlessly tried to calm her down so that she could administer her a pain killer, and then start a diagnosis.

“Kya hua?” Ashutosh came in along with the nurse who had gone to call him.”

“Buri tarah se injured hai Sir. Pain killer legi tabhi kuchh shaant hogi aur tabhi diagnosis ho payegi. Lekin injection dene hi nahin de rahi hai.”

“Sister. Aap please patient ko hold kijiye. Zabardasti karni pade to koi baat nahin. Injection dena hi hoga.”

“Zabardasti karni zaroori hai kya?” Nidhi’s face contorted as if she could feel the little girl’s pain herself.

“Dr. Nidhi. Bachchi bahut chhoti hai. Ise samjhaana mushkil hai ki iske liye kya achchha hai aur kya bura. Zabardasti nahin ki to aise hi pain mein rahegi. Sister, please hold her. Here. Dr. Nidhi. Injection dijiye please.”

Nidhi obeyed him and administered injection to the girl, whose howling got only worse. But soon the strong pain killer showed its effect and she grew calmer.

“Ab kya karna hai?” Ashutosh wanted Nidhi to take control.

“Bruises par dawaa lagani hai. Pairon mein fracture hai clearly. X-ray karwana padega. Par jaisi condition hai, aur bhi injuries ho sakti hain. To baaki body parts ka bhi check up…”

“Right. Ye sab karwaiye aur accordingly treat kijiye.”

“Orthopedics ki zaroorat hogi…”

“Main phone kar deta hoon. Dr. Dutta honge. Aap unki help le lijiye. Koi complication ho to mujhe bula lijiye. Otherwise jab sab control mein aa jaye to mujhe report kijiye. Main apne office mein hoon.”

“Yes Sir.”

—

Nidhi had reverted to not knocking before entering his office.

“Baitho Nidhi.”

“Pairon mein fracture tha, Sir, aur shoulders mein bhi minor injury thi.”

“Everything in control?”

“Theek ho jayegi. Lekin Dr. Dutta kah rahe the ki agar follow up physiotherapy nahin hui, to life long limp rah jayega pairon mein. Abhi to police layi ise hospital. I doubt ki aage kuchh aur uski family karwa payegi.”

“Ye hua kaise?”

“Ye police ki report hai,” Nidhi handed him a paper, “Uske father ne nashe ki halat mein pahle uski Ma ko peet-peet kar behosh kar diya. Bachchi ki neend khul gayi aur woh dar ke maare rone lagi to use bistar se utha kar neeche patak diya.”

“Itni baar dekha hai aise wahshi logon ko, Nidhi. Lekin ab bhi mushkil hota hai ye manna ki aise log duniya mein ho sakte hain.”

“Pata hai, Dr. Ashutosh. Bachpan mein Baba ko is baat ki bahut chinta hoti thi ki main darpok na rah jaun. To woh mujhe bahut pareshaan karte the. Ek baar swimming pool mein daal diya – floater ke saath, of course –  to ek baar almirah par chadha kar chhod diya. Main chillati rahi, lekin woh meri ek nahin sun rahe the. Ulta Hans rahe the. Ki main Itni darpok kyon hoon. Lekin mujhe koi injection lagna hota to khud rone lagte the, injection lagne ke pahle hi. Ek baar to woh behosh hi ho gaye the…” Nidhi laughed slightly recalling the incident and Ashutosh also joined her.

“Ek taraf aise experiences hain, Nidhi, aur doosri taraf aise cases,” he pointed towards the police report, “Inhein dekh kar mahsoos hota hai na ki tum aur main kitne lucky hain ki hamein apne Baba se itna pyaar mila.”

Nidhi nodded. “Jo log kissi ko itna dard dete hain, mera wash chale to main unka khoon kar doon. Is duniya mein rahne ke layak nahin hain woh.”

“Maanta hoon ki jo kaam iske father ne kiya hai woh bahut ghinona hai. Lekin kissi ki galti ko khud galti kar ke theek to nahin kiya ja sakta na. Zulm ko khatm karne ke liye khud zulm karna to theek nahin hai.”

“To phir zulm khatm kaise ho?”

“Pata nahin,” Ashutosh laughed slightly and turned jocular, “Maine to kabhi zulm kiye nahin.”

“Un sab logon ki aatmaayen, jinhone aapke under kaam kiya hai, aapko jhootha kah kar laanat de rahi hongi abhi.”

Ashutosh laughed, “Lagta hai jo tumhein shuruaat mein thoda bahut daant diya tha maine, uske liye mujhe kabhi maaf nahin karogi.”

“Kabhi bhi nahin,”Nidhi replied playfully.

“Tumhara ilzaam galat hai Nidhi. Zulm to mere oopar hue hain.”

“Aap par kaun se zulm hue hain?”

“Hue hain, kai tareeke ke.”

“Main nahin maanti. Aap par zulm karne ki himmat kiski hai. Aisa koi himmat waala insaan hai to main usse ab tak mili kaise nahin?”

“Roz hi milti ho.”

“Kaun? Main to nahin mili aise kissi insaan se.”

“Kyon? Aaina nahin dekhti tum roz?”

“Ji?”

“Ji.”

“Achchha mazaak hai. Maine kya zulm kiye hain aapke oopar?”

“Yahi kya kam zulm hai ki zulm kiye itni berahmi se aur aur ab itni innocently poochh rahi ho ki kya kiya.”

“Aapne to ghazalein sunni chhod di thi. Ye shayar kaise ban gaye?”

“Ye bhi aapke hi zulmon ka nateeza hai.”

“Dr. Ashutosh.” Nidhi could not hold her cheekiness any longer and turned red.

“Can I let myself go, Nidhi? Bas jo thode din hamare paas bache hain unmein? Kya main tumhein apne man ki sab baatein bata sakta hoon? Jo ki shayad mujhe nahin batani chahiye kyonki is rishte ka, hamari feelings ka future mujhe maaloom hai. Lekin phir bhi…”

“Ek baar zindagi jeene ka haq to sabko hai. Mujhe bhi hai. Aapko bhi. To phir hum ye haq kyon na claim karein?”

Ashutosh smiled at her. A smile mixed with fondness, longing, love, desire and pain. Nidhi could not meet his eyes and lowered hers. A shy smile was playing on her lips.

Just then they heard a knock, and the door opened without waiting for Ashutosh’ permission.

“Ashutosh,” Mallika came in, but froze at her place momentarily, when she saw Nidhi and Ashutosh. She hadn’t give them time to recover from the effect of their conversation. Nidhi was still smiling shyly and Ashutosh still had the lovelorn look in his eyes.

“Did I disturb?” Mallika asked awkwardly, “Kya baatein kar rahe the aap log?” The awkwardness quickly turned to bitterness in her second question.

“Kuchh nahin, Mallika,” Ashutosh replied calmly, “Jo case abhi abhi police le kar aayi hai, Dr. Nidhi usi ki report de rahi thi mujhe. Tum dekhna chahogi?”

“Nahin. Iski koi zaroorat nahin hai. The case is in capable hands.”

“Right.”

Meanwhile Nidhi and Ashutosh had silently communicated that Nidhi should leave.

“Main chalti hoon,” she said, picked up the case files and left.

“So, Mallika. What’s up?”

“What’s up? Iska jawaab to tumhein dena chahiye Ashutosh.”

“Baitho Mallika.”

“Baith kar kya karoongi. Mujhe lagta nahin ki hamare beech kuchh baat karne ko raha hai ab.”

“Kyon?”

“Woh jagah Dr. Nidhi ne jo le li hai.”

“Mallika. Maine tumse kabhi jhooth nahin bola hai is maamle mein. Aaj bhi nahin bolunga. Jo baatein hum pahle kar sakte the, woh aaj bhi kar sakte hain. Aur jo pahle nahin kar sakte the, woh Nidhi meri zindagi mein ho ya nahin, hum nahin kar sakte hain.”

“Matlab Nidhi tumhari zindagi mein hai?”

“Jhooth nahin bolunga Mallika. Mere dil mein woh hai. Lekin meri zindagi mein woh nahin hai, nahin ho sakti, aur nahin hogi.”

“Kya matlab?”

“Let it be Mallika. It’s not easy for me to let her go. But I have to. Ye tumhari wajah se nahin ho raha hai. Lekin agar isse tumhein khushi hoti hai, to achchha hai. Kam-se-kam koi to khush hai.”

“Ho kya raha hai?”

“The expected. Nidhi ki internship khatam ho rahi hai. Ek mahina bacha hai. Uske baad woh yahan nahin rahegi. Tumhein use nahin jhelna padega. Bas ek request hai tumse, is ek mahine mein uske saath koi dushmani mat rakhna. Usne tumhara kuchh nahin bigaada hai. Agar kissi ne tumhara dil toda hai, to woh main hoon. Unfotunately, main uske liye kuchh kar nahin sakta. Jo feelings mere andar nahin hai, woh nahin hain aur aage bhi bhi nahin aayengi. Lekin tum yun samajh lo ki tumhara dil todne ki sazaa mujhe mil rahi hai, kyonki apna dil mujhe apne haathon se todna pad raha hai. Ho sake to mujhe aur sazaa mat dena.”

“Ashutosh!”

“I am sorry Mallika. Main thodi der akela rahna chahta hoon.”

“Are you okay?”

“Yes. But I need to be alone.”

“Fine then.”

—

To be continued

“Kya main aapse mil sakti hoon?” Nidhi called Ashutosh up.

“Of course. Ismein poochhne ka kya hai, Nidhi. Jaldi se theek ho kar hospital wapas aa jao…”

“Nahin. Mujhe abhi milna hai.”

“Main bhi milna chahta hoon, Nidhi, lekin Baba ko kya bologi? Phone par baat kar sakte hain na…”

“Mere ghar ke paas ek park hai. Main aaj shaam paanch baje wahan evening walk ke liye aaungi. Aapko hospital se jaldi nikalna padega…”

“Theek hai. Main aa jaunga,” Ashutosh himself was eager to meet her. Maintaining a facade of detachment and calm understanding to keep her out of trouble had not been easy. So, despite his uptight morales advising against any kind of deception to Baba, he grabbed the opportunity Nidhi offered.

—

“Hi,” Ashutosh greeted her with a smile and sat down beside her on a bench.

“Aap Baba ka reaction anticipate kar rahe the, aisa laga mujhe. To kya aap bhi unki baat se agree karte hai?”

“Kissi ko samajhna usse agree karna to nahin hota, Nidhi? Main to ab Mallika ke kaam bhi anticipate kar leta hoon, jo woh tumhein pareshaan karne ke liye karti hai.”

She smiled slightly at that. Then returned to her question, “Agar aisa nahin hai to phir aap itne dinon se kyon mujhe…”

“…khud se door kiye hue tha?”

She nodded.

“Nidhi. Kya tum kabhi apne Baba ke khilaaf ja kar khush rah paogi? Apne parivaar se door jaana manzoor hoga tumhein?”

She shook her head. Tears clouded her eyes as she anticipated Ashutosh was spelling out the unsolvable problem.

“To Maine tumhein sahi hi samjha tha Nidhi. Jis dorahe par tum aaj khadi ho, main tumhein wahan nahin laana chahta tha.”

“Lekin main aapke bina bhi nahin rah sakti,” she whined childishly. Was she hoping for miracle?.

“Bilkul rah sakti ho. Aur rahogi,” Ashutosh said, ostensibly with confidence. But a sharp pain in his throat and chest threatened the façade.

Nidhi shook her head vigorously, like a child insistent upon buying a toy he had taken fancy to.

“Nidhi please,” Ashutosh pleaded, “Tumhein kya lagta hai ye sab kahna ya karna mere liye aasaan hai. Jab se main ye faisla lene par majboor ho gaya hoon ki tumhein khud se door karna hai, tab se main ek-ek pal mein jaane kitni mautein mara hoon. Nidhi. Tumhari zindagi mein to Baba hain, tumhari family hai, dost hain. Mere paas? Mere paas tumhare alaawa koi nahin hai. To batao main kya karoon? Kya apni zindagi ka khalipan bharne ke liye tumse ye kahoon ki tum apne Baba ko chhod kar mere paas aa jao? Apni khushiyon ke liye tumhari khushiyon ka gala ghot doon? Tumhare Baba ko ghut-ghut kar marne ke liye chhod doon? Aur maan lo ki main ye sab kar bhi loon, to kya uske baad main khud khush rah paunga? Help me, Nidhi. Don’t make it so difficult for me. Please help me.”

The tirade had its effect. His vulnerability mutated her from a petulant child to a mature woman. “I am sorry. Aap please aise pareshaan mat hoiye. Main bachchon ki tarah zidd kar rahi thi.”

“Nidhi. Mahine bhar ki baat hai. Phir hamare raaste alag hone hi hain. Kya tum mujhse ek waada karogi?”

“Aap Jo kahenge main karoongi.”

Oh yes! Pretend that your life is not going to be turned upside down after this. Both of them had some variation of this thought in their heads, laced with helplessness, and some bitterness too, at the situation. The price you pay for being sensitive and mature!

“To Nidhi mujhse waada karo ki sabse pahle to tum apna khayaal rakhogi. Jo tumne apni health ke saath kiya hai pichhle dinon mein woh dubara nahin hoga.”

Nidhi nodded with a small, apologetic smile.

“Aur waada karo ki apne career par mehnat karogi. Maine pahle bhi tumse kaha hai ki mujhe tumme ek bahut achchi doctor banne ki capability dikhti hai. Aur main tumhein is profession ki peak par dekhna chahta hoon.”

“Main kahan tak pahunch paungi, ye to mujhe nahin pata. Lekin meri koshishon mein koi kami nahin rahegi, ye waada karti hoon.”

“Aur ek aakhiri baat,” Ashutosh said and paused before continuing, “Tum young ho, Nidhi. Tumhari zindagi mein aur log aayenge. Mujhse waada karo ki tum apni zindagi mein aage badhne ki koshish karogi. Meri wajah se  tumhari zindagi rukni nahin chahiye.”

“Don’t be so harsh on me, Dr. Ashutosh,” Nidhi was, at least midly, offended, “Ye waada main nahin kar sakti. Haan. Jis din aap aage badh jayenge, mujhe bata dijiyega. Shayad tab main bhi seekh jaungi ki aisa kaise karte hain. Itna kuchh aaj tak aapse hi to seekha hai.”

“Nidhi…”

“No, Dr. Ashutosh. Please.”

Ashutosh sighed and refrained from insisting further.

“Kuchh meri bhi farmaishein hain, Dr. Ashutosh.”

That made Ashutosh smile, “Bolo.”

“Pahli baat to ye ki…” she gulped before she was able to continue, “mere jaane ke baad…” and then stopped.

“Yeah. Tumhare jaane ke baad… We have to get used to it, Nidhi. Batao.”

“Aap wapas se Dr. Hardstone nahin ban jayenge. Thoda-bahut hansna achchhi baat hoti hai.”

Ashutosh laughed slightly, then became serious, “Mushkil hai. Lekin koshish karoonga.”

“Aur…”

“Aur?”

“Aur jo ek mahina hamare paas hai, who main aise nahin guzaarna chahti. Aise hichakte hue, ek-doosre se bhaagte hue, darte hue. Main khush rahna chahti hoon. Aur iske liye hamein kuchh bhi aisa karne ki zaroorat nahin hai jisse Baba ko taqleef ho, ya kissi aur ko. Bas… aapse dher saari baatein karna chahti hoon. Kya ye ho sakta hai?” She had started out confidently, but became uncertain towards the end, and her voice trailed off. She felt that he would refuse. The feeling turned to certainty, when he did not respond for a while and looked intently at her. “I know…” she spoke again, “It was a bad idea… Sorry… Rahne dijiye… Main… main aapko bilkul bhi pareshaan nahin karoongi…”

“Tum mujhe pareshaan nahin karogi, Nidhi, to Dr. Hardstone na banne ki motivation kahan se aayegi mere paas? Pareshaan to tumhein mujhe karna hi padega. Bas ek shart hai.”

“Kya?” Nidhi beamed,

“Mere liye chai laani padegi.”

Nidhi giggled as she replied, “Button daba kar hi na? Chalega.”

Ashutosh smiled, “Shaam ho rahi hai. Tumhein wapas jaana chahiye. Thandh badh jayegi. See you in the hospital.”

“Main parson wapas aa rahi hoon.”

“Lekin…”

“Not a day more, Dr. Ashutosh.”

—

To be continued

To be continued

—

Nidhi threw herself into her work and her studies; and did to the exclusion of all other concerns. Baba and Anji started worrying for her.

“Nidhi. Ye kaisi padhai ho rahi hai teri? Apni halat to dekh. Na kuchh bolti hai, na kahin bahar jaati hai. Aise to pagal ho jayegi tu, Nidhi.”

“Tu exaggerate kar rahi hai Anji. Ab abhi to samay hi aisa hai. Padhai to karni hi padegi na. PG entrance MBBS entrance se bahut zyada tough hota hai. Pata hai kitni kam seats hain. Bas kuchh mahinon ki baat hai. Ek baar exam ho jaye to…”

“Padhai aur kaam – dono hi tu kai mahinon se kar rahi hai, Nidhi. Aisi halat to kabhi nahin hui?”

“Ab exams nazdeek aa rahe hain na, Anji. Chal chhod, jaldi se dinner karte hain. Tu yahin kar rahi hai na dinner? Mujhe aaj ye poora chapter khatam karna hai.”

“Nidhi. Itni der se padhai kar rahi hai beta. Abhi kha kar so ja. Aaj kal to tu bilkul bhi aaraam nahin karti,” Baba also echoed Anji’s worry during the dinner.

“Baba. Main theek hoon.”

“Baba. Bilkul sahi kaha aapne,” Anji chipped in, “Meri baat to ye maanti hi nahin hai. Aap hi samjhaiye.”

“Aap log please mujhe mere faisle lene dein,” Nidhi replied curtly. Baba, Anji and Dadi Bua exchanged perplexed glances, but didn’t know what had come over Nidhi and what to do about it.

—

Ashutosh was on night duty. He came to common room and saw that Nidhi had fallen asleep in a chair with a book in her lap. He smiled as he saw that her mouth was slightly open. He had seen her sleep like that before. But when he noticed her face, he was shocked at the contrast – between now and then. She had been very tired that day too. But her face had glown and her cheeks had a healthy pink color on them. Today he might as well be looking at a completely different person. She looked undeniably sick, her cheeks were hollow, dark circles around her eyes were unmistakable, her lips were dry and skin broken suggesting lack of nutrition. For a few seconds, he stood rooted to his place staring at the pitiable sight Nidhi made.

“Nidhi,” he called her name softly. She woke up immediately and was flustered.

“Yes Sir… Sorry Sir… Meri aankh lag gayi thi…”

“See me in my office,” Ashutosh said and walked back to his office.

It had been so long since he had said that to her! Her visits to his office had been strictly for work for a while now. Even when he had to talk to her, he didn’t call her to his office these days. What had changed today? She sent up a silent prayer that something hadn’t gone wrong.

—

Nidhi knocked at his door and waited for him to respond. His heart ached. Why was she waiting for his permission?

“Come in.”

“Sir. Aapne mujhe bulaya?” Ashutosh noticed that she was trying hard to control the quiver in her voice.

“Yes. Aapki tabiyat theek nahin lag rahi hai.”

“Nahin. Main theek hoon,” she replied by habit. Too many people had tried to ask her about her health recently and she had given the same response to everyone.

“Aap hospital mein khade ho kar ek doctor se apni health ke bare mein jhooth to nahin bol sakti.”

“Doctors to badnaam hote hi hain aaj-kal, bekaar ki beemariyam point out karne liye taki woh paise bana sakein,” Nidhi said and even laughed slightly. She was herself surprised by her sense-of-humour still being intact. Where did she get it back from? Was it because he was there? And after so long they were talking, not like the boss and the intern, but like two people who cared for each other.

The thought brought tears to her eyes. Her will-power gave way. She could not control herself and started sobbing.

“Nidhi,” Ashutosh was worried, but not surprised. Something had to be bothering her. What else could explain how sick she looked? He let go of his forced sense of proprietary  and rushed to her. He held her by her arms and practically pleaded, “Kya baat hai jo tumhein is tarah khaye ja rahi hai, Nidhi? Tuhein dekh kar aisa lagta hai ki barson se beemaar ho.”

Nidhi shook her head and spoke through her sobs, “Aapke jaanne layak kuchh nahin hai, Dr. Ashutosh. Kissi ke janne layak kuchh nahin hai. Pata nahin main kab kuchh impossible sapne dekhne lagi. Aur kab unse itna affect hone lagi. Unse mujhe khud bahar nikalna hoga.”

Nidhi shivered as she felt Ashutosh cupping her face gently and wiping her tears with his thumb, “Nahin. Ye akelepan ki baatein tumhare munh se achchhi nahin lagti, Nidhi. Tumhare itne dost hain, itni pyaari family hai, sab tumse itna pyaar karte hain. Aur tum hamesha logon ki madad karne ke liye taiyaar rahti ho. Main nahin maanta ki tumhari kissi problem mein tumhein madad nahin milegi. Tumne kissi se baat ki hai? Madad lene ki koshish ki hai?”

“Maine kaha na. Meri madad koi nahin kar sakta,” she had regained some self-control and as not crying any longer.

“Main bhi nahin?”

“Nahin. Aap to bilkul bhi nahin. Meri problem solvable nahin hai, Dr. Ashutosh. Aap khud ko pareshaan mat kijiye.”

She stepped back and he had to let go of her.

“Kuchh dinon ki chhutti le lo Nidhi. Thod aaaraam kar lo. Dhang se khao-piyo.”

Nidhi refused, “Khali baith kar mere liye kuchh achchha nahin hone waala hai. Kaam karti hoon to koi pareshaani nahin hoti hai.”

Nidhi didn’t realize how her words shocked him. Had she become like him? Taking refuge in work? Avoiding people? Letting her pain fester? That too alone?

—

To be continued

“Sir, aapko ye to manna hi padega ki aapka ghar party dene ke liye ekdum perfect hai. Itna bada lawn hai – outdoor party ho sakti hai. Aur itna bada aur well-lit hall hai. Indoor party bhi ho sakti hai.”

Nidhi had come to discuss a case file, had brought tea for him and her visits to his office were never over without a little of her pointless, but pleasant chatter.

“To aap kya propose kar rahi hain?”

“Aapko har weekend par party karni chahiye.”

“Dr. Nidhi. Maine ek party de di, usse hi kaafi log shock mein hain. Main har weekend par party karoonga to logon ko heart attack aa jayega aur shahar ke saare hospitals mein jagah kam pad jayegi.”

“Ye to aapne Dr. Armaan ka joke chori kar liya.”

“To? Logon ko heart attack dilwane ka haq sirf aapka hai?”

Nidhi blushed for a moment, but that didn’t stop her from retorting, “Meri kahan mazaal ki main kissi ko heart attack doon. Who kaam to aapka hi hai. Ek baar gusse se dekhenge to achchhe-achchho ko heart attack aa jayega.”

“Ye aap kah rahi hain? Aapko to mere gusse se zaraa bhi dar nahin lagta.”

“Ye kisne kaha?”

“Dikh raha hai. Aaj kal aap PG ki preparation par kam dhyaan deti hain, aur parties par ya gappein maarne par zyaada.”

Nidhi’s face fell at his accusations. “Aisi baat nahin hai. Lekin agar aapko aisa laga to aage se aapko shikayat ka koi mauka nahin milega.” Then she felt the need to clarify, “Lekin haan. Aapke gusse se dar kar main PG ki preparation nahin kar rahi thi. Gussa kar ke mujhse koi kuchh nahin karwa sakta.”

“Hey Nidhi. I know!” Ashutosh said in a soft and earnest voice, “Main mazaak kar raha tha.”

Nidhi smiled, but she was still unhappy about what he had said.

“Lagta hai aap sach mein bura maan gayi. I will have to compensate. Chaliye, aapko coffee pilata hoon.”

“Ye canteen ki coffee se kaam nahin chalega. Kahin bahar chalna padega.”

She was too straight-forward. Direct! Despite himself Ashutosh realized that it made him even more fond of her, and not less.

“That’s too much Dr. Nidhi,” he tried to dissuade.

“Mujhe koi jaldi nahin hai. Jab aapko ye too-much na lage, tab pee lenge. Bye Sir.”

He smiled and shook his head after she left. How difficult it was to not love this girl. But the very next moment, his face stiffened. He couldn’t do that. He, thankfully, had a good alibi in her PG preparations. He would keep her away from himself by asking her to spend more time on it

—

To be continued

“So. Dr. Ashutosh Mathur. Kaisa mahsoos kar rahe hain aap?” Armaan pushed a rolled newspaper before Ashutosh, as if it were a reporter’s mike.

“Bahut thaka hua mahsoos kar raha hoon aur mujhe sone ki zaroorat hai. Parties can be quite tiring.”

“Kamaal hai? Bade selfish hain aap, Dr. Ashutosh. Party ke liye din bhar mehnat ki Dr. Nidhi ne. Aur woh ab bhi hospital mein night duty de rahi hain. Aur thak aap gaye, Ashu maharaj?”

Ashutosh was taken aback.  Indeed! How did he forget about her?

“Armaan. Main hospital ja raha hoon.”

“Are. Lekin…”

“Use bhi to aaraam ki zaroorat hogi. Main thodee der uska kaam dekh sakta hoon.”

Ashutosh did not even change out of his party dress, picked up his car keys and rushed to the hospital.

—

“Dr. Ashutosh,” Nidhi was surprised as well as relieved to see him. She had been extremely worried, “Achchha hua aap aa gaye. Please is patient ko dekhiye.”

“Kya hua? Aap itni ghabrayi hui kyon hain, Dr. Nidhi?”

“Ek patient abhi abhi admit hua hai. Uska Asthama control nahin ho raha tha. Isliye uske ghar waale use yahan laye hain. Hum woh control karne ki koshish kar rahe hain, lekin kuchh kaam nahin kar raha hai. Aur abhi abhi use cough aane laga. With blood. TB to nahin lagta. Lekin x-ray karne ke layak bhi haalat nahin hai uski…”

“Dr. Sen kahan hain?” Ashutosh asked about the senior doctor who should have been on duty.

“Thodee der pahle emergency se unke liye call aayi thi. Wahin gaye hain. Main unhein phone karne ki koshish kar rahi thi, lekin I think who utha nahin pa rahe hain.”

They had reached the patient’s bed by then. The poor kid was coughing badly and was also short of breath.

“Blood Pressure check kijiye. Jaldi.”

“Blood Pressure?” Nidhi was puzzled.

“Quick. Dr. Nidhi,” Ashutosh was annoyed for a moment.

Nidhi got to work. “Oh God!” she exclaimed as she noticed the BP.

“Blood Pressure control mein laana hoga. This might be a case of Pulmonary Hypertension, not Asthama. Aap please cardiology mein call kijiye aur on-duty senior doctor ko bulaiye. Agar Dr. Khan ho duty par to best hoga.”

“Yes Sir.”

Nidhi followed his instructions precisely. When Dr. Khan reached there she assisted both of them. After a while they had the situation in control and the patient was put to sleep. Before discussing next steps with Dr. Khan. Ashutosh noticed Nidhi, who was standing at some distance from them. She was unable to comprehend what was going on. Patient’s condition had scared her and day’s work followed by the night duty had exhausted her.

“Dr. Nidhi,” Ashutosh addressed her, “The child is stable now. Nurse is looking after him. Mujhe Dr. Khan se aage ki patient-care discuss karni hai. Aap please mujhse dus minute mein mere office mein miliye. I will explain the case to you.” Ashutosh had carefully worded his instructions so that it didn’t sound odd to others. What he really wanted was not to discuss the case with her immediately, but rather for her to take rest in his office.

“Yes Sir,” she said listlessly and left.

—

Without having to mull over Ashutosh’ words, it came naturally to Nidhi that she should directly go to Ashutosh’ office and not wait elsewhere for ten minutes.

Ashutosh smiled when he entered his office. Nidhi had fallen asleep on the visitor’s chair. Her mouth was slightly open as she slept, which made her already innocent face look even more child-like. He walked towards her and caressed her head. He was almost in a trance as he did that. Then he came to himself with a start and stepped back. Nidhi woke up and sprang out from the chair seeing him, “I… I am sorry, Sir. Pata nahin kaise aankh lag gayi.” She explained embarrasedly trying hard to fight off her sleep.

“Sit down, Nidhi. It’s okay. You were tired, I could see that,” Ashutosh himself was yet to recover from the shock of what he had done just moments ago. What was he thinking!!

“Achchha hua aap aa gaye. Warna main to kabhi nahin samajh paati ki…”

“Aap kya padh rahi thi?” Ashutosh noticed a book in her hands. She was reading before drifting off to sleep.

Nidhi handed him the book. She was reading about Pulmonary Hypertension. Ashutosh smiled, “Aapne padhna bhi shuru kar diya. Good. I am impressed.”

“Main bahut dar gayi thi. Khaas kar ke jab mujhe realize hua ki meri diagnosis ki koshishein actual problem se bilkul tangential thi.”

“It’s okay. Calm down. Patient ke pichhle doctor ne misdiagnosis ki thi. Plus, to be honest, I wouldn’t expect you to be able to do it right. Ye cases roz roz aate nahin hain. Rare hote hain. I would not be surprised agar kai senior doctors bhi diagnose na kar payen. Unless they keep reading medical journals regularly. In fact, meri Dr. Khan se baat ho rahi thi. He was also caught off-guard. We may not even be equipped to treat him here. Hum uske parents ko advice karne waale hain ki use Delhi le jaayen. AIIMS mein. He would need a super-specialist’s care.”

“Oh!” the complication of the situation she was in was scary. She silently thanked her stars that Ashutosh came in time.

“You look tired. Aap abhi case further discuss karna chahengi? Ya hum kal bhi kar sakte hain.”

“Nahin. Abhi karte hain.”

“Okay,” she was eager to learn, and Ashutosh decided not to disappoint her. He explained her the details of the diseases, its symptoms, what all could it be confused with, diagnosis and treatment.

“Thank you Dr. Ashutosh.”

“Ismein thanks ki kya baat hai. Aapko explain karna mera kaam hai.”

“Nahin. Time par aane ke liye. Agar patient ko kuchh ho jaata to…”

“Yeah. It was not a good situation ki koi senior doctor nahin tha yahan. Hamein emergencies manage karne ke liye better system chahiye. Main administration se baat karoonga.”

“Ji. Waise aap aaye kyon the? Aap to din bhar bhi hospital mein the?“

Ashutosh laughed out loud, “Dr. Nidhi Verma. Aapko to police mein hona chahiye. Itna sab kuchh ho jaane ke baad bhi aap original question nahin bhooli. Aur mauka milte hi sawaal-jawaab shuru kar diya.”

“Nahin,” Nidhi was embarrassed, “I am sorry. Maine to aise hi poochha. Main chalti hoon.”

“Nidhi,” Ashutosh stopped her, “Tum chaho to ghar ja sakti ho. Main hoon yahan par.”

“Aap to Dadi Bua se bhi badtar hote ja rahe hain. Aapko aisa kyon lag raha hai ki main thaki hui hoon? Koi pahli baar night duty thode hi kar rahi hoon?”

“Lekin tum din bhar bhi kaam kar rahi thi. Obviously thaki hui ho. Dikh raha hai shakal par.”

“I am fine, Dr. Ashutosh. I really am. Aapko mere liye yahan rukne ki zaroorat nahin hai. Main to subah aaraam kar loongi. Lekin aapko phir hospital aana padega.”

Ashutosh nodded and Nidhi left. But he did not leave for home. He leaned further back into his chair and spent rest of the night thinking.

They were fond of each other, there was no denying this now. Nidhi’s feelings – he had heard from her own mouth. And he knew that he liked her. But he didn’t expect it to go anywhere. It was not supposed to. The idea was so ridiculous. He had hoped that their relationship will remain innocent and friendly. But…

What had possessed him when he had seen her sleeping in the chair? Why did he have to go and touch her? And feel like…

Nidhi was also confused as she walked out of his office. Was it in her dream that Ashutosh had caressed her head so lovingly? Because when she woke up, he wasn’t standing that close to her. And yet she had felt like an electrical shock run through her veins. It had to be a dream. Ashutosh could not be attracted to her. That was way too much to hope for. Yes – he did appear fond of her. He was friendly with her. He appeared to take special interest in her professional progress. Once in a while he said or did something that made her feel like he wanted her. But she might be seeing too much meaning in simple things. Hoping that any of that was a reflection of her own feelings might be too much. She didn’t want to hope for too much. She did not want to become another Mallika. She didn’t want to become bitter in love by expecting it to come back. She was happy giving love. She was happy with whatever little came back to her. Or even if nothing did. Loving him was enough to give her all the happiness in life.

—

To be continued