Mish' Fiction

The conversation with Damyanti had helped Rupali understand what was weighing her down. She also felt the same current between them that Radha or Sabyasachi had felt.

She looked up to him. He had been her rock ever since the day he had intervened between her and Rohan. He had given her the strength. On a very practical level, he had given her this house without which…

But she didn’t have anything to give back to him. She was an emotional and physical wreck. It’s okay if Chand was his past, and could not be his future. She could not be his future either. He deserved better. Period.

What did he think though? He sent confusing signals. Sometimes avoiding her, sometimes seeking her out, telling her that Chand could not be back in his life… No. It didn’t matter what he thought. She could not let it happen. For his sake.

—

Paritosh’ emotions and actions in last few days have been on a roller-coaster ride. And he was aware of that. Supporting her, getting scared by the faith she put in him, ignoring her, assuring her about his feelings for Chand… What the hell was he doing?

“You always do the right and the rational thing… I draw strength and hope from that… If you go weak there, I lose all hopes…” Her words kept ringing in his ears. Those words had scared him. Those were the words that he didn’t think he would be able live up to. And he had started avoiding her. He let her go home on her own from orphanage too. Something he hadn’t done even when she had to answer to that obsessive, possessive finace of hers. He had an alibi. But he knew very well that it was just that – an alibi. He had apologized before he could stop himself. She had assured him that she would be fine. But he couldn’t ignore her condition the next morning. She hadn’t slept well. And then she had remarked about Chand coming back into his life. Obviously she thought that he was ignoring her because of Chand. Oh, the innocent simpleton. Rupali! What was he to do with her?

If he listened to his heart, he wanted to hug her tight, kiss away her wounds, and keep her safe from everything, everybody…. Be that ultimate hero for her that romantic stories talk about. But he wasn’t the perfect, rational, wise person she made him to be. Her faith had already been tried too often. Parents died at an early age, relatives were ready to send her to an orphanage, the adoptive parents failed to keep her safe… from their own son… What if he ended up breaking her trust, making her lose her faith once again?

After all, his own life had been filled with complexes. Not knowing where he came from, getting insulted for that by the father of the girl he had loved, then the feeling of being a substitute, loneliness of all these years… And letting all these wounds fester within him. What was rational and wise about him or his life? Time had taught him a few things. It was easier to say the right things. It was difficult to live by them. She put trust in whatever he said. But would he himself be able to live by them? He wasn’t sure. Yes. He was scared… Of taking responsibilities, of loving, of living….

And yet, turning himself away from her was being difficult! What was he to do?

—

“Good morning, Dr. Khanna,” Rupali knocked on the door and came in without waiting for his permission.

“Good morning, Rupali. How are you doing?”

“I am fine. I came here to… Do you have any recommendation for psychiatrist I could see?”

“Oh! So Mrs. Moitra was able to convince you?”

Her face twitched despite her attempt to smile. Paritosh noticed that. “Oh… Oh God!” he exclaimed, “Are you mad at me for talking to her about it?”

Was she mad? She wondered. She shouldn’t be. May be she was. Outwardly, she forced a smile, “I am not mad. Why should I be? Your advice is reasonable… right. Just tell me a name… preferably somebody who doesn’t work here…”

“Sure. I should have a card here, somewhere. I had kept it for your… Here it is. Dr. Mathew. He stays in Salt Lake City and has how own center there, where he meets pa… people,” he changed ‘patients’ to ‘people’ to avoid making her feel bad.

Rupali noticed his cuff-links as he handed her the card and an old dream came back to her… Her saviour…. The hands that hadn’t reached her in her dream, but which had reached her in real life. At least to save her! Somewhere deep in her heart, she wanted those hands to hold her, to embrace her. But that couldn’t happen…

She tore her eyes off his wrists, hastily took the card and mumbled a thank you. She was about to leave with Paritosh’ questioning eyes following her, when a knock came at the door. Paritosh flustered for a moment, but gathered himself quickly and asked the person to come in. It was Sabyasachi Moitra.

“Kaku!” Rupali exclaimed.

“Rupa. Good that you are also here. I was hoping to see you,” Sabyasachi gave a warm smile and hugged her affectionately.

“When did you come back?”

“Just this morning…”

“And how is… Rohan?” she hesitated, but asked. She hadn’t talked to Damyanti about Rohan. But she felt more at ease in talking about him to Sabyasachi. With Damyanti, she always felt an emotional pressure about the relationship.

He sighed in reply. Then added after a moment, “He is recovering.” His voice wasn’t convincing at all. Ruapli just nodded and did not pursue it.

“Please sit down Mr. Moitra,” Paritosh spoke finally, “You had some work at the hospital?”

“Actually… I came to meet you… I’m not sure if this is a good time. I didn’t call. If you are busy I can come later…”

“This is a perfect time,” Paritosh replied warmly, “No hell has broken lose in the ward. Right Rupali?”

“Yes Sir,” she smiled, “I will see you later Kaku.”

“Can you ask somebody to send in some coffee and snacks please?” Paritosh requested Rupali.

“That won’t be necessary, Rupa. Really,” Sabyasachi preempted Paritosh’ objection, “I am fine. I had breakfast before coming.”

Paritosh nodded at Rupali and she left.

Silence prevailed in the room for a few moments after Rupali left. Sabyasachi was looking down at his own hands, rubbing his fingers against his thumbs as if trying to gather his thoughts and prepare himself to talk.

“Mr. Moitra?” Paritosh had to break the silence.

“Yes. Of course… I am supposed to talk,” Sabyasachi smiled nervously, “And suddenly I feel like a fool for coming here…”

“Mr. Moitra. You don’t have to… You can talk freely.”

“I am a lost man Dr. Khanna. I don’t know from where to start putting things together…”

“Rohan is not well, then?” Paritosh asked. He had stopped called him “Dr. Moitra” altogether. That address had not only a formality about it, but also a respect. And he could not summon that respect for Rohan any longer.

“No. He is not well at all. But that’s… that’s not something you can do anything about.”

“Rupali is holding up fine, Mr. Moitra. I know this isn’t easy on you…”

“It isn’t easy on me at all Dr. Khanna. And I am glad that at least Rupa is holding up. I had always thought that the girl had a quiet strength about her. But it kills me to think that the strength was being tried in the most horrible way in my own house. And now… like a fool… I have lost both my children… I wish she would blame me, complain about her… And would let me apologize at least, if not explain. What can I explain anyway…”

“Mr. Moitra. Please calm down.”

“I am rambling off. I didn’t come here for that. I came here to…”

“Talk about Rupali?”

“Yes. Indeed. Dr. Khanna, I am aware of your reputation. Of being a lonely person, of strictly being a professional. And yet… In this case knowingly or unknowingly you have gotten involved personally. So, please talk to me on a personal level Dr. Khanna. And give this answer to a father, not to a trustee of the hospital. Am I wrong in assuming that you care about Rupa? And not just because you had to give her the share of her grand father’s property. But even beyond and without that? You must give me a very honest answer.”

Paritosh flushed. Mr. Moitra was literally forcing him to face and resolve his feelings. Like hell, he cared about her. Cared deeply. But was he willing to admit it openly? And deal with everything that came with that acceptance? Mr. Moitra was not forcing him to answer quickly. He was just staring at him in expectation.

“I don’t know if you are implying something else,” he finally spoke firmly and slowly, “But the answer to your question is yes. I care about her. She is… she is a lovely and brave person. It is difficult for anyone not to care about her.”

Sabyasachi sighed, “Thank God. In that case, if I ask you to take care of her, it won’t be a burden for you, will it? You are already doing it. So, I have assumed that it isn’t…”

Another long pause. Was he prepared to commit to it? He hasn’t been very sure of himself in this regard. “Rupali is fine Mr. Moitra,” he mumbled.

Sabyasachi looked expectantly at Paritosh for a moment, hoping that he’d say something else. But he didn’t. “Of course,” Sabyasachi had to speak finally. He looked clearly embarrassed at his uncharacteristic emotional outburst from a few minutes ago, “I should get going now. Have some work to attend to. Thanks a lot for your time Dr. Khanna… And for everything…”

Paritosh was suddenly very embarrassed. He was evading. “Mr. Moitra…” he started speaking, but his words drowned. He was quite at loss. It wasn’t like he didn’t intend to support Rupali. It wasn’t like he didn’t care for her; or that he didn’t want her… It wasn’t about her at all. It was about him. How inadequate he felt…

“Mr. Moitra. Don’t get me wrong,” he finally found his voice, “Rupali is a great girl. She deserves… a lot. And I think she will get everything she deserves. Your shouldn’t hurry yourself; or her.”

“Yes Dr. Khanna. I shouldn’t be hurrying. Her; or you. I just panic when I think of her loneliness. And of my failures. Still, let me say this. I am often in that area when you and Rupa make your weekly visit to orphanage. I sometimes meet the orphanage staff. NET is one of the donors there. You probably didn’t realize, but I have seen you together. She looked happy. And so did you. Try to think about that. Nobody has seen you happy very often. And her? She had all the reasons in the world to be sad. Still?”

Sabyasachi left leaving a flustered Paritosh behind.

—

To be continued